


More Willing to Bleed

by parenthetical



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2013-07-26
Packaged: 2017-12-21 10:08:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 136,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/899066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parenthetical/pseuds/parenthetical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some storms you never really pass through. But they're still flying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my love letter to Firefly and all its characters. Set following the Big Damn Movie. Eventual Mal/River, with Mal/Inara and River/OMC on the way there.
> 
> The main resources I used for the Chinese swearing are [here](http://www.browncoats.com/?ContentID=42e83b412a309) and [here](http://web.missouri.edu/~heivilinj/Firefly/Firefly-Mandarin.pdf). Apologies for all inaccuracies!
> 
> The River Tam Sessions are referred to at one point. It's not necessary to have seen them, but if anyone missed them, you can find them [here](http://signal.serenityfirefly.com/mmx/series/view.php/156).
> 
> The title is taken from the Rachael Sage song "The Spirit We": I am more willing to bleed than I am to be apart.

Night was the hardest time.

During the day, River was getting better at holding herself together. _Cracked_ , someone had called her once, and she always would be, but it was a step up from shattered and the cracks didn't show up as badly any more. She held herself together with her arms and her hands and her mind, and it was hard but not as hard as it had been before Miranda.

At night, though, when the ship was quiet but for the spinning of the engine and hum of minds dreaming, it was harder to avoid cutting herself on the knives buried in her mind. Digging out the blade of Miranda and the secret of the Reavers had helped, once the bleeding had stopped and the scab had started to form. The wound still ached, but there was a solid point in her mind that hadn't been there before: the knowledge, the _certainty_ , that she hadn't been wrong, hadn't been crazy, not about that. And now others shared the secret she'd carried.

That knife was out in the open where everyone could see it, and that gave her the space to manoeuvre around the other sharp edges in her head, start piecing together some of the shattered bits of her self. It gave her space to focus on the reality of what was going on around her. During the day, she could smile at Simon and Kaylee and how glowingly happy they were together. She could listen to the captain as he taught her about flying a ship and independence and loyalty. She could tease Jayne at meals by filching the bread off his plate before he could react, just for the pleasure of his irritation, so resigned and accepting that it was a reassurance all its own.

Nights were a different matter, and River mostly wandered the ship. Listening to Simon and Kaylee was always interesting, but they projected feelings that swamped her – too much heat and longing and desire – and she couldn't handle it for long, had to get out of her quarters and further away from them, where she could have more space inside her head.

Some of the time she sat curled up in the co-pilot's chair on the bridge. She'd promised the captain that she wouldn't try to fly Serenity without him there yet, so she simply sat and watched the instruments and readings, the reassurance that they were still all alone out in the black. River liked watching the stars. The bridge and the engine room, those were Serenity's mind and heart, and River liked to curl up there and listen to Serenity murmur to her.

Sometimes she sat in the corridor above the crew quarters and listened to Jayne and Mal dreaming. Jayne's dreams were refreshing in their normality compared to everything around her; he dreamed of his family, of beautiful women, of the solid heft of a gun in his hand, of the kind of craziness a normal subconscious threw up when sleeping. Mal's dreams were less reassuring, but struck more of a chord with her: dreams of being chased, of people cutting the ground away beneath him piece by piece, of flying free where no one could touch him.

River didn't know what Zoe dreamed about these days, because Zoe didn't sleep much any more. She lay awake in her bunk, thinking of Wash and trying to hold herself together, and halfway through the night she would get up and walk around the ship too. River was always careful then to stay away from where Zoe was, leave her alone with Wash's ghost on the bridge, leave her to her solitude in the dining area. She didn't want to intrude, but more...

_That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship_ , the Operative had told the captain, and he'd been right. If she'd wandered in a different direction on Beaumonde and Serenity had left before she'd been triggered... If she'd been able to bear the idea of leaving earlier... If she'd been strong enough to cope with the secret of Miranda alone... A thousand different things she might have been able to change that would have meant Zoe would still be whole, that Wash and Shepherd Book and so many others would still be alive.

Better to avoid Zoe than to be one more reminder to her and bring her even more grief.

River ran her hand across the panels of instruments in front of her. They were still on course, holding true. The captain had plotted a route that should keep them under the radar and take them as far away from Mr Universe's moon as possible before they had to test whether the Alliance was going to come after them.

They would, River was sure. There were too many knives in her mind, too many secrets she didn't understand herself. They'd worked too hard to forge her into a weapon to let her fly free. There had been too much blood and pain and –

She balled her hands into fists and forced herself to breathe deeply, to wait out the flood of chaos and panic, to focus on the stars until things slowed and settled again.

Distantly she realised that Zoe was getting up, leaving her bunk, and River stumbled to her feet and towards the stairs, leaving the bridge to the one with the greater claim.

* * *

Night was the hardest time, Zoe thought.

During the day she could keep busy. It was two weeks since they'd left Mr Universe's moon behind them, and they still hadn't finished fixing the ship up. They'd spent a week doing all the emergency repairs before they'd left the moon, of course, but there were a hell of a lot of smaller jobs still needing doing. The captain always had a long list for her whenever she needed one.

And if they both knew he was as good as inventing some jobs to give her something to do, it wasn't something they needed to talk about.

They didn't talk that much at all these days. There wasn't much to say. But he was always there, a solid presence at her back when she needed someone to anchor her. She knew that he knew how torn up she was, but she also knew he never once doubted her ability to do her job and put herself back together eventually. And she needed that confidence now.

During the day she kept busy, and things were getting... less difficult, maybe. Kaylee had stopped watching her with that tragic expression on her face, sympathy Zoe couldn't cope with right now. Much though she loved Kaylee and her generous heart, Zoe needed to just keep going right now, not have people reminding her all the time of what she'd lost. She had enough reminders all around her.

It was hard to sleep in the bed she used to share with him, suddenly empty and cold in a way it had never been when he'd just been putting in a late shift on the bridge. They'd lived their lives together on this ship, and he was everywhere she looked, even if she'd never get to see him again.

She avoided the bridge during the day. There was almost always someone there, or the likelihood that someone would come along at any moment, and she couldn't handle them _looking_ at her up there, seeing every crack in her composure. At night, though, she could sit in his chair and look out at the stars he'd loved, and force herself to remember the good times, not the sound he'd made as he'd died.

Tonight, though, as she came onto the bridge, she was surprised and annoyed to find she wasn't alone after all, though her irritation evaporated at the sight of River stumbling hastily towards the stairs at the front of the bridge.

"River?"

The girl tensed up and turned slowly, her head bowed. Zoe felt a pang of concern at the sight of her, the hair falling across her face. She hadn't seen much of River in the past few weeks, busy keeping herself busy and River seemingly occupied elsewhere; but for what little Zoe had seen of her, she'd seemed to be doing much better. She didn't look it now.

"Sorry," River muttered, turning away again, her voice low. "Sorry, sorry, didn't hear you in time, I'll –"

Zoe noted that, but let it go for now. "Sit down with me for a spell if you're awake anyway, little one. I wouldn't mind some company." She was surprised to realise it was the truth. She'd planned on being alone with her memories, but in a way it was a relief to have something else, someone else to focus on instead.

River hesitated, and Zoe nodded firmly to the co-pilot's chair, settling into Wash's chair herself, and after a moment River obeyed and sank into it, pulling her knees up and hugging them tight against her chest.

"You okay?" Zoe asked. The girl was shaking slightly, and her eyes were focused on the stars outside in a way which made Zoe wonder if she was even seeing them.

River took a deep breath. "I'm okay," she said, and her voice wavered but not as badly as Zoe was expecting. "Just got – lost." Her grip on her knees loosened slightly, and she blinked and turned her head to look in Zoe's direction without meeting her eyes. "Okay now. I can go –"

Zoe shook her head before the girl could stand. "There a reason you feel you need to stay away from me, River?" Because she was putting together the pieces now, and she was starting to think there had to be a reason why she'd never seen River outside of meal times for the past two weeks.

Of course, she realised belatedly, it could have something to do with the fact that the inside of her head couldn't be a real enjoyable place for a psychic right now. "Unless –"

"No, no," River interrupted, meeting Zoe's eyes properly for the first time, wide and painfully sincere. "Not that, she doesn't..." She broke off, clearly gathering herself again, and lowered her gaze. "I don't want to remind you. Don't want to make things worse."

Zoe considered that, but no, she still couldn't make any sense of it. "I ain't a reader, River. I'm gonna need you to explain that one."

River tightened her grip on her legs again. "Don't want to remind you of why he died," she said without looking up. "Don't want to remind you that if it wasn't for – if I hadn't –"

"You think I blame you?" Zoe said, and she could hear that her voice was far too harsh, but she hadn't expected this and it was _hard_ to talk about him.

"Like that," River said softly, her voice thick with tears. "Not blame, not exactly, but a reminder, make you think about it..."

"I don't blame you, River," Zoe said, suddenly tired down to her bones. She paused, hearing her words out loud, and reminded herself that she was talking to a reader. "Not the way you think, anyway. There's times as I blame everyone – the captain, myself, Wash himself. Times I blame the whole damn 'verse. That's just – that's just what grief does to you, all right? So don't go taking anything you might have heard to heart. None of what happened was your fault. Not nobody's fault, really. We all made our choices. Wash too." She took a deep breath. "As for reminders, I got them all around me, everywhere I look. You ain't no different. So you've got no call to go avoiding me, dong ma? There's times when I want to be alone, true enough, but I don't need you running from me. Dong ma?"

River looked up and met her eyes again. Zoe wondered if she was looking into her mind, trying to see the truth there.

River's mouth twisted into a half-smile. "No," she said, "not how it works. But I understand."

Zoe decided to change the subject, maybe for both their sakes. "Well then, how about you tell me what you've been doing the past couple of weeks."

"Helping to fix Serenity," River said, uncurling slightly from the ball she'd tucked herself into. "Patching her hurts. I like that."

"Kaylee told me you've got a knack for the electrics and wiring and such," Zoe said. "And that's praise, coming from her."

"Like it," River said again softly. "Figuring out how it all works, how to put it all back together again." She looked up, expression a little nervous. "And the captain's been showing me how to fly her."

Zoe forced a smile to reassure the girl. "I know, he mentioned that to me."

"I'm sorry," River said, looking back down at her knees.

Zoe reminded herself again that she was talking to a gorram reader, and she'd better damn well be honest, because lying to River in an attempt to protect her would only hurt her worse. "I won't lie, it's hard to think of anyone else sitting in this chair. But we need someone to keep this ship in the air, and it ain't enough to only have me and the captain with any idea how to fly her. I'd rather it was you than have the captain hire a new pilot. I've got no problem with it, River. You enjoying it?"

River's smile was blinding in its suddenness. "I love it. Love Serenity, love being out in the black, soaring free... You have to think when you're flying, have to concentrate, it helps me focus. I still need help with that," she said, her smile turning wry.

"Well then, that's good," Zoe said.

The girl uncurled and straightened gracefully; Zoe noted the contrast to how River had been stooped and stumbling earlier, and was glad. "Thank you, Zoe," she said softly. "I'll leave you in peace now. Simon and Kaylee have gone to sleep, I might be able to as well."

"That why you're up wandering around in the middle of the night?" Zoe asked. She hadn't heard them at night, which probably meant they'd been sleeping in Simon's quarters.

"Part of it," River said. "Don't sleep much these days." She flashed a quick, hesitant smile at Zoe and vanished down the hallway towards the kitchen, in the direction of her quarters.

Zoe settled down more comfortably in her chair, still thinking about that conversation. She'd always had a soft spot for River; she had some idea of what the Alliance was capable of doing in the name of progress, and she'd felt badly for the girl. It hadn't really been until River had outwitted that hun dan of a bounty hunter that Zoe had started to trust her, though. And now... it was good to see her finding her way out of her head. Not to mention that it would likely be damn useful for them, too.

She sighed and lifted one of the dinosaurs from the console, turning it over in her hands. _She'll never be you, baby. No matter how much of a crazy genius pilot she ends up becoming, she'll never be you. God, I miss you._

* * *

River wasn't on the bridge when Zoe got there the following night, but when she went for a final walk around the ship a couple of hours later, she found the girl in the cargo bay. She paused on the catwalk, watching.

River was all liquid motion, spinning and whirling with such grace that it took Zoe a moment to realise that she was fighting, not dancing. Sparring with the air, or perhaps the shadows inside her head, with vicious kicks and wicked slams of her arms.

Zoe hadn't seen River fight before. She'd left the Maidenhead before things went to hell, and the blast doors at Mr Universe's base had closed before River had really gotten started. She'd seen the bodies of the Reavers the girl had killed and the tape of River taking out everyone in the bar, but it wasn't the same as seeing her move for herself. Zoe started down the stairs towards her.

At her approach, River whirled to a stop and smiled wryly. "Haven't gone crazy again. Crazier. Don't need to worry."

She could hardly deny that the thought had crossed her mind. "You're very good."

River shook her head. "Conditioning, not training. It's not the same." Before Zoe could try to make sense of that, she went on, "I wanted to see if I could. If I can. I fought when they triggered me, and I fought while I was at the Academy, but I didn't know if I could fight for myself. By myself."

"You seemed to do fine at the base," Zoe said, flashing back again to River standing over the bodies of the Reavers.

"I had to," River said softly. "Simon – I was... upset. I had to. But when I don't have to..." She smiled, small and painful to see. "Makes people nervous, not knowing what I'm capable of. Makes me nervous sometimes too. I don't know either, not really. Need to start figuring it out."

Zoe nodded thoughtfully. "I'd offer to spar with you, but judging by what I just saw I'm pretty sure you'd wipe the floor with me," she said. Which was a pity, really. There was a restlessness in her blood tonight, frustration with the situation they were in and how much she missed Wash, and a decent fight might have been just the thing. Maybe she'd go drinking with the captain in some Alliance-friendly bar next time they landed.

River cocked her head to the side. "Would you?" she asked. "Only if you really want to, but I'd like..."

"Don't think it'd help you none," Zoe said honestly. "I'm decent, but you're in a different league."

"You're good," River disagreed, "and you've had training. Know the rules, know how and when to break them. Experience. You don't flinch when I move ways you think I shouldn't be able to. Not afraid of me. It would help me." She paused, then added, "And you want to. I wouldn't ask if you didn't, I wouldn't – but if you'd like it too..."

Zoe considered, but decided she couldn't see the harm in it. If River had been less good, she wouldn't have felt right sparring with the girl. But as things stood, she was confident that River could more than hold her own.

Besides, even if it turned out the Alliance had decided they weren't worth chasing after any longer, the lives they led didn't lend themselves to peace and tranquillity. Sooner or later, River was going to end up in a situation where she needed to use her fighting skills to survive. Zoe knew she was probably the best sparring partner for River on the ship – Jayne was Jayne, damn good to have at your back in a fight, but too simple in tactics and abilities to be any kind of challenge for River. The captain would be a better match, but Zoe wasn't sure he'd be able to look past River's fragility to really fight her. Whereas Zoe had no such scruples. She'd seen kids younger than River die in the war for lack of training and been sickened by the waste each time. If River thought she could learn from it, then Zoe would fight her, and she'd do it properly.

River's smile was luminous, and Zoe found herself smiling back, not particularly perturbed that River had clearly been listening in on her thoughts. "That's a yes, as I'm figuring you've already gathered," Zoe said, and shrugged out of the shirt she'd pulled on over her top when she'd gotten out of bed.

"I gathered," River admitted, still smiling. "Thank you, Zoe."

"You won't be thanking me when I'm done with you," Zoe said, only half-joking, and dropped into a fighting stance. "Don't go easy on me."

Sparring with River was a unique experience and a unique challenge. The key was not to think, only act, something Zoe had mastered during the war when any additional split-second before acting could have gotten her killed. It meant that Zoe stood at least half a chance of River not reading her move before she even made it. The other tactic that occasionally worked was to think as hard as she could about one move, and then make an entirely different one.

Even so, even when she did manage to catch River off-guard, the girl's reactions were lightning fast and she recovered quickly. She was capable of moves Zoe wouldn't have thought were possible, incredibly flexible, and her blows and kicks carried more of an impact than Zoe would have expected. She'd clearly taken to heart Zoe's instruction not to go easy on her, which was pleasing, both because it meant they'd both get more out of it, and because it meant she had enough respect for Zoe's abilities that she felt able to spar with her seriously.

Eventually they stopped, and Zoe grabbed her shirt to wipe the sweat off her face. "You're damn good. And if you were worried about being able to fight while in your right mind, I reckon you just proved you can."

River smiled slightly. "It helped. Thank you. Learned a lot." She looked down at the floor. "Enjoyed it, too."

Zoe studied her. "You don't sound too happy about that."

River darted a look up at her before returning her gaze to the ground. "I was a dancer," she said. "Then they took me and twisted me all around. Taught me – conditioned me – to fight. Made me a weapon. But now I enjoy it, almost the same way I enjoy dancing."

"I can understand how that would unsettle you," Zoe allowed. "And there ain't none of us on this ship who're ever going to force you to fight if you don't want to, and you need to know that. But there's nothing wrong with enjoying it. It don't mean you're going to go out there and attack anyone for no reason. Maybe they made you a weapon, but you just proved you're in control of yourself, didn't you? I enjoy a good fight myself, and it don't make me a killer. And just you try to keep the captain out of an Alliance bar on U-Day. Nobody's going to judge you for enjoying it, River. I enjoyed this round myself, so thanks for that."

"Thank you," River said again, smiling more easily now. "Might be able to sleep now."

"Reckon I might myself," Zoe agreed. "Maybe we can do this again sometime."

"I'd enjoy that," River said sincerely, and headed for the stairs. "Good morning, Zoe."

Zoe checked her watch as River darted up the stairs. Almost five, ship's time. She'd always held that morning didn't start until you'd slept, but River had a more literal turn of mind. Zoe shook her head and returned to her own bunk.

_Her_ bunk, now. Sometimes it was the small things that got to her the most.

Sparring with River had been a good distraction and one she'd sorely needed, but she couldn't avoid thinking of Wash for long. Didn't want to.

She pulled on one of his shirts in place of the one she'd worn before, one of the hideous shirts that had so bothered her when she first met him, but which she'd slowly come to love just for how much she associated them with him. Then she curled up in their bed – still _their_ bed, and she hoped that wouldn't change any time soon – and tried just to breathe for a while.

* * *

Nights were hard, but some days were pretty tough too.

River still wasn't sure exactly what had set her off – a stray thought in someone's mind, maybe even her own, she didn't know. All she knew was that panic had flooded over her, wiping out all other thought.

She was getting better at hiding it when that kind of thing happened. Even from Simon, who still watched her closely, but not quite as closely as before. On good days, she told herself that it was because she was getting better and didn't need him as badly as she once had. On bad days, she wondered if it was because of Kaylee, if he enjoyed being with her more than with River. If he was relieved that he didn't need to be quite as vigilant any more.

She tried not to think like that, because it wasn't fair. She was happy for Simon and Kaylee, especially glad that Simon had found a reason to be happy on Serenity, after all he'd given up for her.

Simon hadn't noticed the panic hitting her that morning – no one had, except maybe the captain, watching her from the end of the table. But he hadn't drawn anyone's attention to her, and she'd appreciated that. She didn't want Simon to make her take more drugs, didn't want to cushion her mind by filling it with fog. The fog didn't stop her from cutting herself open on the knives in her mind, just made her numb enough not to care that she might be bleeding out. She was well enough not to need that now, or wanted to be.

The panic had passed after a few moments, but it had left her feeling exhausted and edgy, not properly focused on the world around her like she'd been managing lately.

"How about you just watch today, little one?" the captain said when they went up to the bridge.

River settled into the co-pilot's chair and stared at the instrument panels in front of her as if through a fog. "Have to learn," she said. "Have to..."

"Everyone's entitled to an off-day," the captain said, "even you."

"I ought to be able to do this," River said, frustrated with herself.

The captain didn't look in any way perturbed by her outburst. "Ain't no 'ought' to it, darlin'. You don't need to be anything other than what you are. Like I say, everyone has their off-days. And when you're having one, I'd personally prefer you accept it rather than fly us into a moon just so's you don't have to admit it to me."

River couldn't argue with that, she supposed. "Feel like I'm letting you down," she admitted quietly.

"Day you let me down, I'll let you know," the captain said with a certainty that made her feel better. "But until that day comes knocking, darlin', don't you go fretting on that, dong ma?"

River nodded and leaned back in her seat, letting herself drift for a while, reassured by the warmth of Mal's mind and the humming of Serenity around her and the peace of the black outside.

When she became properly aware of her surroundings again, she was still curled up in her chair, and the captain was humming softly under his breath in the other seat, the ship on autopilot as he plotted a course for later that day. And thought about the way Inara had smiled at him the night before.

"I'm glad she stayed," River said softly.

Mal turned to look at her. "Mite unsettling when you do that, you know."

River smiled. She felt better now, stronger for having passed through the storm without harm, and the captain's tone was teasing, not annoyed. "Not to you, it's not. You've never minded."

The captain raised an eyebrow, but didn't bother to argue the point. "You're looking a sight better," he said. "You want to take her for a bit while I finish plotting this course?"

"Please," River said, and uncurled to stretch and then disengage the autopilot and take control.

It often wasn't _necessary_ to have a pilot on the bridge while in the black itself. Landing or taking off, that took more than a computer, but once a course was set, the ship could mostly fly itself unless something unexpected cropped up, which was why there were proximity sensors and other warning systems in place.

Even if it wasn't necessary, River enjoyed it.

"When we reach Jiangyin, I'll let you handle the landing, if you feel up to it," the captain said.

River beamed. She'd only been allowed to watch when they'd landed at the training house to allow Inara to collect her belongings, though Mal had relented enough to go out in the spare shuttle with her and let her practise taking off and landing and docking. "All useful skills," he'd said, and it was true, but she'd also known it was practice for her to do the same things with Serenity.

"How long is it going to take us to get there?" she asked.

"Another couple of days, the route I've picked out," Mal said, finishing programming the course into the console and leaning back, turning to watch her movements as she guided the ship. "Still trying to stay off the grid until we get there."

"Then we'll see what happens," River said softly.

"Jiangyin's a long way out, little one," the captain said reassuringly. River had a feeling that if her brother had said the same kind of thing, Mal would have thought he was questioning his decision. Then again, he probably would have been right. River wasn't questioning; she just liked additional data. "Enough Alliance presence that we can get a notion of what to expect from them in future, but far enough from the Core that it isn't likely to be anything we can't cope with. I'll feel better when I have more of an idea of what our status is now." He shot her a glance. "That said, you feel anything off when we get there, you let me know right away, got that?"

River nodded definitely, reassured by his confidence – in her, in all his crew and his ship to handle whatever might come.

"Now," Mal said, getting to his feet, "I'm gonna see about making some tea. You want a mug?"

River blinked and looked up at him. It wasn't the tea that surprised her; it was that he was apparently willing to leave her here alone on the bridge, flying Serenity, while he went to make it. True, the kitchen wasn't far away, and making tea wouldn't take long. But that he was confident enough in her to even suggest it – and on a day when she'd had a bad phase – that was truly startling.

"Don't got no coffee at the moment to offer you," Mal said gently when she'd stared at him a bit too long. "It's tea or water."

"Tea, please," River said, and forced herself to turn back and concentrate on flying. "Thank you, Captain."

"It's just tea," the captain said gruffly, and left the bridge.

River smiled out at the stars. "It's not," she confided in Serenity, and the ship hummed with contentment around her.

* * *

"Good," Zoe said, "that's much better."

River twisted in her grip again, and this time broke free, pivoting to show the punch she'd follow up with, but not putting any weight behind it. 

Zoe nodded her approval. The girl learned fast as hell. She hadn't known much about the kind of fighting she could use in a normal bar fight without attracting unwanted attention. It was tricky for her to pick up, because River generally did know several moves that would have laid Zoe or any fool stupid enough to go up against her flat out on the floor. Learning less effective moves was counterintuitive, but River was getting the hang of it. Better that she be able to fight the way the rest of them would – even that would raise eyebrows, given how young and slight she was.

"Right," Zoe said briskly, "my turn. Show me that drop again."

Their sessions had continued and become a regular routine. Sometime in the middle of each night they met up in the cargo bay. They spent a while with Zoe training River, whether in the finer niceties of bar brawling or in how to put her more intense skills to best use, before swapping, with River teaching Zoe some of the techniques she'd been trained in. Zoe was pretty sure that she'd need to swap out all the muscles in her body for rubber to be flexible enough to pull off some of River's moves, but others were simpler, and it was good for her to expand her repertoire. As far as she was concerned, you were never too old to pick up a few new tricks. Afterwards, they'd spar properly until they were both worn out enough to sleep. It was a routine Zoe had come to appreciate over the past few weeks. Even if she was staying up half the night, she was sleeping better once she did return to her bunk than she had before they'd started their little sparring sessions.

River demonstrated the move they'd been working on the previous night again, dropping down low and sweeping a leg out to tap Zoe's legs. Zoe pursed her lips, then tried it herself. It took an attempt or two to get back to the level she'd been achieving towards the end of the previous night, but though she was improving, she still wasn't close to mastering it.

"Need to drop faster," River observed helpfully.

"I realise that," Zoe said, "it's the doing that's the problem." She straightened back up and ran her mind through the move again, trying to figure out where the problem was.

River cocked her head thoughtfully to one side, then whirled without warning into a spin, aiming a kick right at Zoe's head. Zoe didn't have time to curse or think; she reacted on instinct, and was genuinely surprised to find herself dropping, her leg lashing out just the way she'd practised, sweeping River's legs out from underneath her and sending the girl tumbling.

River laughed out loud from where she was lying on the floor. "The doing isn't that much of a problem."

Zoe blinked, still catching up, then laughed a little herself and got to her feet, reaching out a hand to help River up too.

"Did I miss the invitation to some kind of party down here?" a voice came from the catwalk.

Zoe looked up at the captain, who was staring down at them. She supposed seeing the two of them sparring at this time of night was bound to be a bit unexpected. "Hello, sir."

"You had a better invitation, that's all," River said next to her, which didn't make a lick of sense until Zoe saw the way Mal flushed and _didn't_ glance at Inara's shuttle.

"So she finally invited you in, sir?" she said, smiling widely at Mal's discomfort. River giggled.

"That's – you – the point is, what are you two doing up in the middle of the night, beating the gou-shi out of each other?" Mal rallied, walking down the stairs towards them.

"That what we were doing, River?" Zoe asked.

"No," River said, "that bit doesn't come until the end."

Zoe kept a straight face. "We're sparring, sir, that's all. Training."

"Training," the captain repeated, reaching the bottom of the stairs. "There some reason you've got to do this training in the middle of the night?"

"Quieter at night," River said. "Fewer distractions, fewer eyes to see."

"If that's your way of saying you do this at night to avoid Jayne gawking, I –" Mal paused, then finished, "well, I can completely understand that." River giggled again. "Even so, I need the both of you sharp."

"Of course, sir," Zoe said. "Sleep well, River."

"Goodnight, Zoe, goodnight, Captain," River said, and danced off up the stairs towards the guest quarters.

"Training," Mal said as he and Zoe fell into step together, heading back towards their bunks. "Any particular reason?"

"River thought it would be good for her, and I agreed," Zoe said honestly. "She's going to need to fight again sooner or later, and it'll do her good to have a better idea what she's capable of. And it's good for me to stay sharp too. Don't suppose I'll be able to pick up too many of her tricks, but it can't hurt none."

Mal nodded thoughtfully. "You two do this every night, then? How long?"

"Couple of weeks now," Zoe said, somewhat surprised herself to realise it had been that long.

"I ain't objecting none," Mal said carefully, "but I wasn't lying about needing both of you sharp. We'll be arriving at Jiangyin the day after tomorrow, and I need my first mate conscious, Zoe."

"I'll get some sleep now," Zoe promised. "So, Inara invited you into her shuttle, huh?"

Mal ran a hand self-consciously through his hair. "Yeah. Yeah, we... talked."

"And a bit more'n that, I'm guessing," Zoe said, unable to suppress a smile at how flustered the captain looked.

"Yeah, well," Mal said, and kicked the stairs of his bunk out into position. "Night, Zoe."

"Night, sir," Zoe replied, and continued on to her own bunk and its stifling emptiness.

She slept, though. She'd promised.

* * *

"You're planning to take on passengers, sir?" Zoe was surprised, for some reason. Maybe it was something to do with what had happened the last time they'd taken on passengers. Considering they'd managed to pick up a fed, a fugitive, a stowaway and a preacher with some decidedly non-religious skills, Zoe couldn't help but feel she was entitled to an ounce of scepticism about the idea.

The captain knew exactly what she wasn't saying, of course. Generally speaking, neither of them needed to be a reader to know what the other was thinking. "I know the last time was a bit of a..."

"Disaster?" Zoe supplied helpfully.

"Disaster," Mal agreed. "But we need to suss out who's still willing to work with us before we can line up paying work. At least ferrying some passengers around will give us some money coming in until we have a real job."

Zoe nodded, accepting the point. She couldn't help but feel reluctance at the thought of strangers coming aboard their ship at the moment, when everything still felt so fragile. But you did the job that was in front of you. "Do you have a plan to avoid a disaster this time, sir?"

Mal said cheerfully, "Matter of fact, I do. We get River to okay every passenger before we let them on board. No feds this time."

Zoe considered. It actually seemed like a solid plan for once. "How many were you thinking of taking on?"

"We don't have room for that many," Mal agreed. "But there are two guest rooms free, and –"

"Actually, I was meaning to speak to you on that," Zoe said. 'Meaning' was perhaps too strong a word for it, but it had crossed her mind once or twice over the past few weeks. "I understand the doc wanting to stay close to the infirmary, but what about offering River one of the crew bunks?"

The captain raised his eyebrows, but nodded thoughtfully. "Hadn't particularly occurred to me, but it may well be as she'd like to be further away from the infirmary."

"Further away from Simon and Kaylee, too," Zoe said dryly.

"Laotian, bu," Mal said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I can see where that would be an argument. She said anything to you about it?"

"Not complaining, but she's mentioned it," Zoe admitted. "She doesn't seem to be sleeping much at nights, but I don't reckon the noise levels are the only factor in that."

Mal nodded, seeming to accept her assessment. "Well, she's certainly crew and earning her way now, and she seems stable enough that there ain't no need for her to be right next to the infirmary, or her brother, for that matter. If she wants to move, she's welcome to one of the crew bunks. Would free up room for another passenger, too."

River's expression when the captain drew her aside was something to see. "A crew bunk?" she said, as if they'd just offered her a small moon, or perhaps a whole box of strawberries.

"You're part of this crew, little albatross," Mal said, serious for once. "So if you want, pick yourself one of the empty bunks, and we'll lend you a hand with moving your things. My only advice would be not to pick one right next to Jayne's."

River laughed and darted up to kiss his cheek. Zoe watched with interest – evidently they'd been growing closer too while she hadn't been paying attention – then lost her train of thought when River gave her a quick hug. Zoe exchanged a slightly startled look with the captain, then followed the girl.

River didn't need much help packing up her belongings; she didn't own much. Zoe helped carry a handful of dresses, and thought about how near all of them had come on board the ship with next to nothing. She and Mal had come straight from the war; Jayne hadn't brought much with him when he'd deserted his old crew. Kaylee had taken about ten minutes to grab as many of her things as she could, but she'd been in such a rush to make sure she wasn't left behind that she hadn't brought all that much either. Simon and River had come on board as fugitives. Wash and Inara were probably the only exceptions.

"This one," River said with satisfaction, and pushed the stairs forward so she could climb down, looking around her. Zoe wasn't surprised by her choice; she'd picked the room opposite the captain's, which had the advantage of being on the end of the row and leaving an empty room between her and Jayne.

"Good choice," Zoe said.

River smiled, looking around her, then stopped still, the smile vanishing from her face. It was a mite unsettling, the way her mood could swing. "What's wrong?" Zoe asked.

"Simon," River said with a sigh, and climbed back up the ladder. Zoe followed, hearing raised voices as they headed back towards the guest quarters.

Sure enough, the captain and the doctor were in the process of yelling at each other.

"– turf her out of her room just so you can take on one more passenger –"

"– my ship and you don't dictate –"

"Simon!" River interrupted, and both men fell silent, staring at her. "It's my choice, Simon."

"River..." Simon said, still obviously unhappy. "I'm not sure it's a good idea, you being so far away from the infirmary –"

"But isn't that the aim?" River said. "For me not to have to spend all my time with needles in me, being cut open and –" She broke off, and Zoe noted the way her fingers were digging into her arms.

"You know I wouldn't do that," Simon said gently. "And yes, you've been doing a lot better lately, but... if you need me in the middle of the night..."

River released a shuddering sigh. "If I do, I'll come find you. Not so far away. Though I wouldn't want to interrupt," she added with a mischievous glint in her eye.

The captain turned his laugh into a cough. "Shiny. River, I'll see you on the bridge in half an hour, dong ma?" he said, already moving away in the direction of Inara's shuttle.

Zoe turned away, heading towards the other guest room to see if it was in order for taking on new passengers. As she left, she heard Simon saying, "Mei-mei, you know you can come to me anytime, don't you? That hasn't changed, you're never interrupting."

"I know I can," River said. "But it _would_ be interrupting."

* * *

"That's it," the captain said approvingly. "Now ease back, nice and gentle..."

River followed his instructions, both the spoken and the unspoken. She'd been on the bridge watching when they'd landed at the training house to let Inara collect her things, but this time the captain was allowing her to land Serenity herself.

She carefully corrected their speed as she realised they were still coming in a little too fast, feeling Serenity respond to her.

"Good job," Mal said. "You want me to take her down the last little bit, or you think you got enough of a hang of it to try?"

"I'd like to try," River said, careful not to take her eyes off the instruments to look at him. "May I?"

"Wouldn't have offered otherwise," the captain said. "Take things real slow and careful, though. Port like this, there ain't much room for manoeuvre or error. And the folks as run it tend to get a mite upset when people crash."

"No crashing," River promised, though she knew she didn't need to. Despite his words, Mal was calm and unworried – watchful, yes, but with a confidence in her that gave her the confidence she needed in turn.

Landing wasn't as easy as Wash had always made it look, but River liked the challenge, liked that she was forced to concentrate, and was pleased when she managed to place them in exactly the right spot and with only a slightly heavier bump than Wash would have managed, not enough to cause any damage.

"You've got a talent for this, right enough, little one," the captain told her, something like pride in his voice.

"It's like dancing," River said absently, running through the post-landing checklist. "Mostly she lets me lead, but other times you have to follow her and try not to get dizzy."

"Huh," Mal said. "Can't say as I've heard that comparison before, but I guess it's as apt as any."

River smiled. They'd spent a lot of time on the bridge together, these past few weeks, with the captain showing her how to fly the ship and watching carefully while she mimicked him and performed the calculations and learned how things worked. Sometimes they were silent; sometimes they talked a little. The captain was a lot like Zoe in some ways.

"Got another job for you," Mal said as he finished checking that she'd set everything correctly.

"Vet the passengers," River said. "Make sure there isn't another me."

The captain looked across at her, eyebrows raised. "Don't think there's another you in the whole damn 'verse, darlin'." He paused. "Probably just as well, at that. No, I want you to make sure there ain't no feds coming on board this time. Any fugitives, well, you let me know what kind of trouble they're running from, and I'll decide whether we can risk it or not. Dong ma?"

River nodded. "Do I have to hide while they're on board?"

Mal sighed. "Reckon it ain't no great secret now that you're on board this ship. When it comes to hiding, it'll be a question of us flying below the radar, not keeping you confined to quarters."

River nodded silently at that reminder. _She is an albatross, Captain_ , the Operative had said, and they were still only beginning to establish what kind of problems she'd brought upon the ship.

The captain's eyes narrowed, but he nodded too and led the way down from the bridge.

After Zoe headed off on the mule to refuel and pick up a few parts, Kaylee took up position at the main doors. The captain stayed with River up above, at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the bridge.

"This gonna be close enough for you?" he asked quietly.

"Yes," River said, already distracted by the minds of all the people passing by outside. _Impatience/anger/exhaustion/happiness_ , a mix of everything.

"How close do you generally need to be?" the captain asked curiously, leaning back against the rail next to her.

"Depends on the person and the circumstances," River said. "Simon I can hear from a long way away. Strangers not as far, but still a lot further distance than the ship."

"Huh," Mal said. "Must get pretty crowded in that brain of yours."

"Yes," River agreed softly, and tried to concentrate and not let her focus slip.

The first two people Kaylee struck up conversations with weren't serious prospects; they were more interested in an excuse to talk to Kaylee than in taking a trip. River simply shook her head when the captain looked at her. The third person was a man around Jayne's age and River focused and let herself fall into his mind.

"River?" she heard the captain say distantly. "River."

His hand closed on her shoulder, and River gasped and jolted back to herself.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," Mal muttered.

River took a deep breath. "I'm okay. Want to be useful. Just need to... He's telling the truth, his mother's sick and he wants to go to her. Got less coin than he says, though."

"How much less?" Mal asked. The question was sharp, but his hand was still warm on her shoulder.

"A lot less," River admitted quietly. "Spent it on medicine. She's very sick."

Mal sighed. "Ain't a whole lot of transport ships fly direct to Dyton from here. Even fewer for less coin than we'd take." He paused, then said, "Well, we freed up an extra room thanks to you, little one. And any coin is better than none. If you think he's all right otherwise, we'll take him."

River smiled.

There was really only one potential passenger where she was needed; one man whose thoughts left her pale and gasping and trying not to throw up. Mal didn't even ask, just nodded to Kaylee to get rid of him as fast as possible, and kept his hand warm on River's back.

"Good job," he said when all three slots had been filled. "You need to go lie down now or something?"

River shook her head, but it was true that she wanted... away. The captain nodded. "Just don't touch anything," he said, as if he were the reader, and headed off down the stairs to talk to Kaylee.

River retreated to the bridge, like he'd apparently known she would, and curled up in the co-pilot's chair, letting the banks of instruments soothe her. It hadn't been difficult, what she'd done, but it had been hard, even so. Not as hard as Miranda, not as hard as choosing to fight the Reavers, but hard nonetheless.

She hadn't felt a mind like that since Jubal Early. This hadn't been a bounty hunter, or a fed or anything like that. Just a man. Just a man who got up in the morning and went to work and came home to his wife in the evening, and never let show what lurked beneath the surface. But he dreamed of one day letting it out, and River was more glad than she could say that the captain had rejected him at once, without even asking for details.

She didn't like being surrounded by a mind like that. Even if it wasn't as bad as being overwhelmed by the Reavers' rage, even though it was nothing compared to the minds of those who took no pleasure in their perversions and were genuinely only seeking to do the right thing...

River shivered, and retreated to her new bunk after all, where she could curl up in the corner on the opposite side of the room from the bed, and let Serenity cradle her until she stopped shaking.

* * *

Dinner was a strange affair. Kaylee was clearly enjoying having new people on the ship, chattering brightly with the passengers, drawing Simon and Inara into the conversation too. The captain put in a word here and there, but was fairly quiet otherwise. Jayne was silent; River knew that he was brooding on the words the captain had had with him concerning what would happen if he was as rude as he apparently had been when Simon and Shepherd Book had first come on board. She estimated that there was a sixty percent chance of an outburst of some kind from him before the end of the meal, regardless.

Zoe was silent, no uncommon event these days, and amid the passengers' chatter it was less noticeable than usual. River could hear her mind, though, the way she was forcing herself to concentrate on the conversation to distract herself from everything else.

The strangest thing about having the passengers on board was that they were oblivious to everything the crew had gone through, everything and everyone they'd lost. People who didn't notice the split-second pause when the crew were all expecting Wash to make the obvious joke; people who didn't think anything of mentioning the Alliance around them.

"Excuse me," River said softly when she couldn't stand it any longer, and retreated to the bridge, checking and double-checking their course and the readings. The bridge was safe: all the passengers had been requested to stay away.

She wasn't surprised to hear footsteps behind her five minutes later, but she was a little surprised that they were Zoe's. She hadn't seen Zoe enter the bridge during the ship's day for weeks. And it was unusual for Zoe to seek her out during the day, too, even though they spent time sparring together every night.

"You okay?" Zoe asked.

River smiled at her tentatively. "It's strange having other people on board."

Zoe nodded her agreement, leaning against the other console. "Takes getting used to, don't it."

"There conspiring going on up here on my bridge?" the captain asked, stepping inside too.

River smiled properly. "Only plotting."

"Oh well, that's okay then," he said. "You all right? You didn't even finish the bread you stole from Jayne. Think he stole it back."

"I'm okay," River said. "Just – takes getting used to, having strangers on board."

Mal nodded, seeming to relax. "It does, at that. So long as that's all."

"No feds," River promised. "I'll tell you if any of them spontaneously evolve into feds."

"With our luck, it wouldn't even surprise me," Mal observed with a sigh.

Zoe gave a wry chuckle. "Well, sir, at least your cunning plan to see what kind of trouble we could stir up by landing on Jiangyin seems to have failed to produce trouble."

"Kind of surprised about that my own self," the captain admitted. "Not sure I'm ready to put too much stock in it just yet."

"No," River agreed softly.

The captain and Zoe both looked at her. "Any particular reason you say that, River?" Zoe asked.

"Didn't sense anything," River reassured them hastily. "Just... I don't think they'll just let me go. Sooner or later they'll come after me again."

"Well, if that happens, we'll be ready," Mal said. "And if you sense anything, you come to us, like I said. In the meantime, we'll stay well away from the Core for a while. Think we might already have a job lined up for once we get to Dyton, some goods to run out to Badger. We'll just keep a nice low profile for a spell."

River nodded and got to her feet.

"Better make it an hour later tonight," Zoe said. "To make sure the passengers are definitely all asleep."

River smiled and slipped out.

* * *

Zoe looked up as River came down the stairs into the cargo bay. "Everything still quiet?" She'd done a quick tour of the ship before she'd come down herself, making sure everything was quiet in the guest quarters, but it always paid to double-check.

Not that there was any reason she and River shouldn't be sparring, but the way River moved... it would lead to questions, and possibly jog memories about certain arrest warrants that were best forgotten if possible. Zoe was just as happy to avoid the whole situation.

"Not really quiet," River said wryly. "But everyone who isn't crew is sleeping."

"Guess it doesn't ever get proper quiet for you," Zoe observed, wondering for the first time what that must be like. Thinking back, there had been a few times when River had complained about noise or the ship being crowded, even though it hadn't made much sense at the time.

"Out here in the black is as close as it comes," River said, mustering a faint smile for her. "It's easier when people aren't all focusing on me. I'm used to some level of sound now."

Zoe nodded thoughtfully. "You seem distracted tonight, though."

River ducked her head, rueful. "Inara invited the captain into her shuttle again."

"Ah," Zoe said with sudden understanding. "That must be..."

"Distracting," River admitted. "But I'll get used to it. Need something else to focus on."

"All right, then," Zoe said. "Let's see if we can't take your mind off it."

Even half-distracted, River was a force to be reckoned with; sparring with her certainly required all of Zoe's attention, and she could see River's focus sharpening too as they worked. She supposed that meant River was hearing more of her, rather than the captain and Inara, but she didn't mind – wasn't as though she was thinking much right then, too focused on the motion and twists of their bodies.

River still got the better of her in most of their sessions; Zoe hadn't been wrong, that first time, when she'd said that River was on a different level. But Zoe was managing to hold up her end for longer, knew she was in better condition than she had been when they'd first started this, and had picked up a few new tricks too. It was just a good thing that her ego wasn't so fragile that she couldn't handle being put on her ass on a regular basis.

_Like now_ , she had time to think with grim amusement as River whipped round with a kick that Zoe knew she had no chance of blocking, aimed directly at her midriff. Zoe only had a split-second to brace herself for the blow when –

– River stopped, leg outstretched, foot just inches from Zoe's stomach.

Zoe frowned with a creeping sense of alarm. They'd been sparring for real, not a practice section when they sometimes pulled their punches, and halting a kick with that much momentum behind it wasn't an easy thing to do.

River was balanced on one foot, her head tilted to one side as if listening, and her eyes were very wide as they met Zoe's.

And suddenly Zoe knew.

"No," she said, hearing her voice flat and absolute, in a world that was suddenly not as absolute as it had been. "No, no, that's not possible, that's –"

But things were crashing into place in her mind, signs that she'd ascribed to her body reacting to grief. It wasn't – it couldn't be, but it was... it was possible that –

River's eyes were wide and knowing and filling with tears as she straightened and lowered her leg, but Zoe was only half-aware of her, her mind locked on the realisation and what it meant.

_I want to meet that child someday_ , she'd said, but she'd lost that, she'd buried that child when she'd buried _him_ , and how could this be happening now? How could –

_I'm not sure now is the best time to bring a tiny little helpless person into our lives_ , he'd said, and she'd argued, but she'd lost him, and if that wasn't proof he'd been right, what was?

_That excuse is getting a little worn, honey._

_It's not an excuse, dear. It's objective assessment. I can't help that it stays relevant._

_You and I would make one beautiful baby_.

Distantly, Zoe was aware that she'd collapsed to her knees, that River had wrapped her arms around her, supporting her, even as the girl trembled like a leaf. Zoe couldn't think about that, though, couldn't think about anything other than the chaos whirling in her mind.

_This can't be, this can't be, this can't be..._

_Wash, baby, I can't do this without you, I can't, this isn't right, this isn't, this, this, this can't be_ –

A strong hand pressed against her back, just below River's. _Mal_ , she realised, lending her his strength.

"Zoe," she heard him say, his voice steady but with a note of fear just below the surface that she'd never heard from him before. Then again, he'd probably never seen her like this before, either. "Zoe."

It steadied her a bit, brought her back to herself enough to realise she was kneeling with River's arms around her, her head pressed against the girl's shoulder. Mal's hand was warm on her back as he crouched beside them, but Zoe felt cold all over.

She raised her head slowly, distantly taking in the tears streaking down River's pale face before she turned to meet Mal's gaze. His expression was one she only saw in crises, hard as steel.

"I'm pregnant, sir," Zoe said, hearing her own voice like a stranger's, no emotion in it at all.

* * *

River stood in the door to the infirmary and tried to stop shaking.

The captain was standing at the foot of the bed Zoe was sitting on, while Simon moved around them both, taking measurements, checking readings.

He'd been asleep when she'd run to fetch him, while the captain and Zoe had walked more slowly to the infirmary. It had been hard, calming herself enough to wake him quietly, quietly enough not to wake Kaylee. Simon had come at once when he'd seen her, and River had struggled to convince him that she wasn't the one who needed his help. Seeing herself through his eyes, it wasn't surprising: pale and shaking, tears streaking her face, the sharp edges of her agitation. But once they'd reached the infirmary, he'd turned his attention to Zoe at once, and River had faded into the background, out of the way.

"You're right," Simon said at last, turning to Zoe, "I'd say you're about six weeks along. And everything seems to be healthy." A pause, then he added, "Congratulations."

River thought, not for the first time, that her brother had an unerring talent for saying the appropriate thing at the time when it was the least appropriate thing imaginable.

There was a silence: Zoe gazing into space, Mal watching her, Simon looking between them. River stared down at the floor and tried to hold on to herself through the chaos of everyone's thoughts.

"I don't want the others to know yet," Zoe said finally. Her voice was still strange – flat, River thought, the way it had been just after Wash had died and she'd shut down to keep going.

"Doctor-patient confidentiality," Simon said. "I'm not allowed to tell anyone anyway."

"Nobody's gonna tell anyone anything you don't want 'em to," the captain said flatly, though River could hear him calculating the chances of keeping a secret like this on board the ship for long.

"Say it was me," River offered. She heard the confusion in their minds and realised she was being unclear again. She tried to concentrate. "If they ask what happened, why we called for you in the middle of the night. Say I was crazy again."

"Don't call it that," Simon instructed absently. "An episode, that's all."

River rolled her eyes and looked at Zoe.

Zoe met her gaze for a moment, then nodded, as much thanks as she was able to offer for the time being.

"Right. If you're sure, River, that's what we'll tell anyone who asks," the captain said.

"I can give you something to help you sleep, if you like," Simon offered Zoe quietly.

Zoe was silent a moment; River could hear the chaos still swirling in her mind, and the appeal of being able to make it all _stop_ , if only for a few hours. "Please."

The captain hovered until Zoe was out, then covered her carefully with a blanket. "How long will she sleep, Doc?"

"Four, maybe five hours," Simon said. "It's just a light sedative."

The captain nodded. "In that case, I'd say we'd better all get some sleep our own selves."

River felt Simon's attention swing back to her. "River, I think you should have a smoother –"

"No, Simon," she said firmly, swiping a hand across her face to wipe the tears away. She was still feeling off-balance, but it was easier to breathe now that Zoe's mind was sunk in sleep. "I don't need anything."

"Mei-mei –"

"I don't need to be drugged every time I get upset," River snapped, then took a deep breath. "Simon, I'm okay. I promise. Please."

Simon sighed in resignation. "If you change your mind, come and get me, okay? I don't care what time it is."

River smiled reluctantly. "I know." That was one thing she could always count on: her brother would be there when she needed him.

"Right then," the captain said briskly. "C'mon, River. I'll see that she gets back to her bunk safely, Doc."

Simon frowned, but couldn't seem to muster any objection. River might have – she knew where her bunk was, and it wasn't as though anything was going to happen to her on the way there – but she could see in Mal's mind that he wanted an opportunity to speak to her alone.

"Goodnight, Simon," she said, letting the captain usher her out of the infirmary.

They didn't speak as they walked up the stairs. When they reached the kitchen, though, Mal nodded to her to take a seat. "Don't know about you, darlin', but I could do with something to drink. Tea?"

"Please," River whispered, and sank into one of the chairs.

She sat silently while he made the tea, sorting through her mind and the barrage of impressions and emotions she'd been hit with over the past hour, trying to find some kind of order. She was jarred back to herself as the captain set the mug down on the table in front of her, but she offered him a weak smile of thanks.

Mal offered a slight smile in return and sat down in his usual place at the end of the table, right beside her. "You okay?"

River took a sip of her tea. It was hot, and she felt it burn all the way down. "It was just a lot," she said after a moment. "Like a storm. Buffeted by the winds."

The captain nodded. "You feel up to telling me exactly what happened?"

River took another sip and did her best – that they'd been sparring, that she'd sensed _something_ and stopped, then the moment when she and Zoe had both realised what it was, what it meant.

"Then I," she said, and faltered.

The captain's eyes were intent on hers. "Then you called me. In my mind."

River nodded slowly.

Mal took a gulp of his tea. "Didn't know you could do that," he said, almost casually.

"Didn't know either," River admitted. "But it was Zoe, and she needed you, and –"

"Don't get me wrong, I ain't complainin'," the captain said firmly. "You did the right thing, little albatross. Took me by surprise, that's all."

River had been surprised, too. But she'd been so panicked, caught up in the maelstrom of Zoe's thoughts; she couldn't have left Zoe to get the captain, but they'd needed him, it was an emergency, and before she'd had time to think it through she'd been reaching out to Mal's mind and calling _Captain, Captain, we need you!_

It had only been when she'd felt his shock that she'd understood that he'd heard her. That for the first time she could recall, she'd not simply read, she'd transmitted.

She couldn't be sorry about it, not when Zoe had needed the captain so badly, but it was unnerving. She was relieved that at least the captain wasn't angry.

"Was good of you to offer to cover for this," the captain said, interrupting her thoughts. "Reckon Zoe won't want anyone to know until she's made up her mind on what to do." Mal was thinking that they wouldn't be able to keep a secret like this for long, even so, but he had a feeling Zoe would ultimately decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. Either way, though, the last thing she needed at the moment was Kaylee beaming and hugging her and planning some kind of baby-related celebrations.

River nodded at the image, mustering a weak smile. "Kaylee would get excited. Better to wait until Zoe can too." Something else occurred to her. "You can tell Inara."

The captain frowned, and she hurried on before he could misunderstand. "About me, I mean – that I called you. She won't understand why you left, otherwise."

Mal studied her thoughtfully. "You sure about that? Ain't none of anyone else's business."

"I don't mind," River said. It was not quite the truth; part of her wanted to consider and analyse and dissect this new twist in her mind for a while before it became public knowledge. On the other hand, she trusted Inara; the Companion knew what it meant to guard a secret, and River knew she could rely on her discretion.

"Well, I surely appreciate it," the captain said. "I'll make sure she knows not to mention it to anyone else."

River smiled at him, then surprised herself with a huge yawn.

"Go on to bed, little one," Mal said, lifting her mug and carrying it across to the sink. "You need your rest."

River had to admit that he was right. The passing of the storm was leaving her drained and worn out, and she thought she would be able to sleep now. She got wearily to her feet. "Goodnight, Captain."

"Night, River," he said. "Sweet dreams."

* * *

The week it took them to reach Dyton passed in a haze. Time had gone all strange. Sometimes the seconds seemed to crawl by interminably; other times, Zoe would come back to herself and realise hours had flashed by while she'd been staring at the walls of her bunk.

For most of her life, she'd found it easy enough to take decisions. She knew who she was and what she wanted and how to get there. Now, though, she found herself paralysed, because neither of her options were what she really wanted.

She'd wanted Wash's child, yes. Their child. But she'd wanted them to have a baby together. She'd wanted to squeeze Wash's hand so hard during labour that he yelled louder than she did. She'd wanted to see him bouncing their baby on his knee. She'd wanted to pretend to be annoyed when he dressed him or her in one of those ugly shirts of his. She'd wanted to spend months arguing over names together.

She'd wanted a lot of things, and having their baby alone hadn't been anywhere near the list.

But if she didn't go ahead with the pregnancy... she'd never get to meet their child. She'd never have a second chance.

That didn't change the fact that she didn't know if she could do it. Didn't know if she even wanted to.

In a way, it was for the best that they had passengers on board. They were enough of a distraction for the crew that Zoe didn't think the others had noticed her own distraction too much, and what they did notice they probably chalked up to grief anyway. It was a relief, because she didn't want to talk about it, didn't even want to think about it, even though she couldn't escape the thoughts circling round and round in her head.

The day before they were due to arrive on Dyton, Simon caught her eye during dinner. Zoe forced herself to nod in response. She didn't want to speak to him about it, but she couldn't hide forever.

She went down to the infirmary after dinner, and Simon looked up and smiled when he saw her.

"Thank you for coming," he said. He glanced at the doors as if wondering whether to shut them.

Not a smart idea, Zoe decided. True, no one would overhear. On the other hand, anyone who wandered over to this part of the ship and saw the doors closed would know something more important was going on than just discussing medical supplies. "Go ahead and say what you've got to say, Doctor."

Simon nodded, accepting her judgement. "The city we're landing in tomorrow has a hospital. I could do to stock up on some supplies – but it would also be a good opportunity to do some tests and run a scan to see if everything is progressing normally. Or an opportunity for a termination, if that's your decision."

Zoe opened her mouth and closed it again.

"You don't in any way need to make a decision yet," Simon went on. His voice was professional, if not quite impersonal, and that made it easier to listen to him talking about it. "One of the things I'd like to get at the hospital is termination pills, so that option would be open to you on board the ship for a few more months. But if you haven't completely ruled out going ahead with the pregnancy, I'd really like you to have the scan. You don't have to know anything about the results if you don't want to."

Zoe drew in a deep breath and nodded. "Fine. We'll do the scan."

"Okay, good," Simon said. "I've been thinking about how to explain our trip to the hospital without the others realising something's up..."

Zoe nodded. "Dyton ain't a rich world. Stealing a few bits and pieces from the hospital for our own use is one thing, but we can't take enough to sell on."

"Exactly," Simon said. "But the hospital does have a neuro-imager. I mean – it's basic compared to what they had on Ariel, 2D, less data. But I'd still like to get River in for a scan if possible. And that could be our... cover story, if you like."

Zoe frowned. "Do you think there's a problem? Because she's seemed to be doing better, since Miranda. A lot better." Although Zoe hadn't been paying much attention over the past week, she admitted to herself in sudden concern.

"She has," Simon agreed, his professional tone giving way to something more awkward and real, that tone of worry and relief and helplessness he always got when talking about River's condition. "I think facing some of the things she'd blocked out was good for her. Her episodes since then have been far less severe, I've even started cutting back her medication. That's one reason why I'd like to do a scan, actually – to see if some of the damage has started to heal."

Zoe nodded thoughtfully. "I'll speak to her, ask her if she'd mind us using that as an excuse."

She thought back over what she'd seen of River over the past week, but for the most part it had only been at meals. She didn't think River was avoiding her this time, at least, but Zoe had been wrapped up in her own head and hadn't sought her out. Their sparring sessions in the middle of the night had come to an abrupt end, of course, but Zoe hadn't gone wandering at night at all, staring at the ceiling of her bunk instead.

She found River on the catwalk up above the cargo bay. The girl was balancing on her head, the skirts of her dress falling down and hiding her face, showing the black leggings she was wearing underneath.

Zoe took in the scene for a moment, then asked, "There a reason you're upside down, River?"

"Promotes the flow of blood to the brain," River said, her voice only slightly muffled by the skirts that still hid her face from view. "Allows greater clarity of thought. And sometimes I need a change of perspective."

"I see," Zoe said gravely, trying to rein in her amusement. She sat down cross-legged next to River. "How's that working out for you?"

"Too many perspectives," River sighed. She flipped herself elegantly upright again and then sat down beside Zoe, her legs dangling off the edge of the catwalk.

Probably always a problem for a reader, Zoe supposed. She nodded.

"Don't need to talk about it," River offered after a moment. "Don't need to talk at all. I don't mind silence."

Zoe gave her a tight but genuine smile. "One of the more refreshing things about you." She paused, but went on. "I spoke to your brother earlier. He said there's a hospital on Dyton where I could get a scan, see whether things are looking okay. Or a termination, if that's what I decide on."

River nodded, clearly hearing more than Zoe had managed to put into words yet. "I'll do it," she said.

Zoe looked at her. "You sure you don't mind?"

River nodded again. "But can we say it's to see how my brain is looking now?" she asked quietly. "So the others don't think it's that I'm getting crazier?"

"Of course," Zoe said at once. "And if you don't want to have the scan –"

River smiled wanly. "Simon will insist."

"It ain't his decision," Zoe told her firmly. "It's your choice, River. If you decide you don't want to go through that, no one will make you."

River looked at her sidelong, her expression a little shy. "Thank you," she said, and the sincerity in her voice made Zoe feel guilty, because River shouldn't be feeling grateful just for that.

"No, River, thank you," Zoe told her. She appreciated River going along with this, because she still didn't feel inclined to let any more people know.

A comfortable silence descended, and Zoe let herself enjoy it while she could, before the cycle of her thoughts started up again.

* * *

"So what's the plan?" Simon asked, once their passengers were safely gone and the four of them were getting ready to leave for the hospital. "We do have one, right?"

"We slip in a side entrance," Mal said confidently, "and steal a couple of uniforms. Then walk right on in like we own the place."

"...Right," Simon said.

River could hear him mentally revising his estimate of the likelihood of them all ending up in Alliance custody again sharply upwards. But one of the reasons she loved her brother so much was that he simply resigned himself to it, without even a thought for calling the whole thing off.

She smiled at him. "Don't worry, Simon. It'll be different this time."

And it was. River still hated hospitals, but she was walking in under her own power this time, and this part was like pulling a job. That made it easier not to let her hate and fear pull her under. She focused on the technicalities instead.

"Same code again," she said, listening to the orderly currently letting himself in through a side door, the entry code he was punching in loud in his thoughts. "45932."

"Good work," the captain told her. "Okay, Zoe, you and the doc head in first, since he stands the best chance of bluffing his way through if need be. Try to find a changing room –"

"Turn left," River said slowly, still focusing on the orderly's mind. "The... third door on the left. No security there that I can pick up on..."

"You're just all kinds of helpful today, little albatross," Mal said. "So, you two head in, get changed. River and I'll follow a couple of minutes after, and we'll meet there. Dong ma?"

"C'mon, Doc," Zoe said, and strode off confidently across the street, forcing Simon to hurry after her. River smiled.

"How you feeling about this plan?" the captain asked her as they watched Zoe punch in the code. They both paused for a moment, watching, but then the door slid open and Zoe and Simon disappeared inside.

"Don't like hospitals," River said.

"Now that's less helpful," the captain said. "Can we go back to the helpful River?"

River was mostly listening to Simon's progress in the building. "Plan's fine. Though I think I should be the doctor, not you."

Mal made a choking sound. "Shen-me?"

"Not bringing in corpses this time," River said and grinned at him. "I'm better at improvising medical jargon." She paused, then added, fairly, "Or if nothing else, I'm better at saying things no one understands."

"Can't argue with that part, at least," the captain muttered. "They still clear? Right then, let's go, Dr River."

They slipped in as easily as Zoe and Simon had, and the captain matched pace with her as she led him to the room where Zoe and Simon were waiting. Simon was already wearing a doctor's uniform and a slightly hunted expression, and Zoe was dressed in an orderly's uniform. She tossed Mal something similar, and Simon held out a nurse's uniform to River. "We thought we'd be able to move more freely if we were all staff."

River didn't waste breath complaining that she'd been given a nurse's uniform rather than a doctor's one – she hadn't earned either, and even Simon was young for a doctor; too many people wouldn't believe she could be one. She changed as quickly as possible, pulling her hair back from her face and securing it under her cap.

"We should split up," Zoe said. "All four of us together are going to attract attention."

The captain frowned, but clearly saw the sense in it. "All right. You and the doc go off and do your thing. Doc, you had a list of things you wanted to try to pick up, right? Give that to us; River and I'll take care of that and meet you after."

Simon didn't look happy, but he handed the captain a list. "Be careful, River. Don't take long, okay? We'll be in –"

"I know," River said. "You two be careful, too. Shall we, Captain?"

"Let's, Nurse River," Mal said, and led the way out of the room.

It didn't take them long to find the medicine storage room, and they set to work. This wasn't a heist like Mal and Zoe had pulled on Ariel; Dyton wasn't a Core world, and this hospital would struggle to replace the medicine fast enough for its patients if they took too much. They were taking only single bottles of a few things, to replace Simon's supplies and pick up some new items he thought he might need.

River noted the bottle of pregnancy termination pills on the list, but didn't comment as she found the right shelf and slid a bottle into her pocket.

"How are they doing?" the captain asked quietly.

River shook her head. "Can't tell."

Mal turned sharply to look at her. "What?"

"Hospital," River said quietly, and concentrated hard on the bottles on the shelf in front of her. "Lots of people, lots of emotions, lots of noise. Hard to focus – can't pick out a wave in the sea. Too much..."

"Great," the captain muttered under his breath, but he was frowning at her with something closer to concern than anger. "You okay?"

River shuddered, but offered him a tight smile. "Don't like hospitals."

"Can't fault you there," Mal said. "We got everything on your brother's list? Because if so, I reckon we should go track him and Zoe down."

River nodded. "Don't think anything's wrong," she said, offering it for what it was worth. "I'd know if anything happened to Simon, or if he got angry or..."

"You're telling me you feel it every time the doc gets angry?" the captain said lightly. "Miracle you don't have a permanent headache, little albatross. C'mon."

* * *

Zoe dressed hastily, relieved once again that Simon was so professional when it came to medical matters. She'd stared at the ceiling throughout the scan, and it had only been Simon's businesslike voice telling her exactly what he was doing that had kept her from jumping up from the table and calling a halt to the entire thing.

She was glad it was over.

"I can tell you that everything looks normal so far," Simon said as she finished dressing. "I'll go over the results of some of the other tests when we're back on the ship." He didn't say any more than that, and Zoe was grateful to him for it.

There was a knock on the door, and Zoe hastily made sure her orderly's uniform was in place and nodded to Simon.

Simon opened the door and nodded to the woman frowning at him. "Thank you, Nurse," he said. "Everything seems to be in order in here."

Her frown deepened, but before she could say anything an imperious voice called out, "Doctor!" Over Simon's shoulder, Zoe could see River striding down the hallway towards them, still dressed in her nurse's uniform. "Doctor, we need you urgently in Ward Seven."

"You'll have to excuse us," Simon said to the nurse, and headed towards River. Zoe followed close behind, keeping track of what the nurse was doing. She was still frowning, but she didn't seem to be calling security, and Zoe would take that.

Mal was waiting for them at the corner, pretending to look through the drawers of a cart. "We good?"

"We're good, sir," Zoe confirmed, meeting his gaze, and Mal nodded back, some of the tension going out of him.

"Did you find everything on the list?" Simon asked.

"Got it all," the captain said. "I'd say our shift's over."

"Wait," Simon said, turning to his sister. "River –"

"The neuro-imager," River said tonelessly. "You want to scan me."

"Yes," Simon said gently. "The more data I have, the more I can help you. I want to see if there's been any change."

Mal was frowning. "River? What do you think?"

"The nurse hasn't informed security," River said. "We should have time."

"Not what I was asking," Mal said. "Are you okay with the scan?"

"Captain," Simon began to object.

"It's her choice," Zoe said firmly. She'd told River as much on the ship, and the lingering uneasiness from her own scan had only reinforced her feelings on the matter. If River didn't want to put herself through it...

"It's okay," River interrupted. She looked at all three of them in turn, pale but standing her ground. "I'm – I'm okay."

After a moment, Mal nodded. "Right, then. Lead on, Doctor. Zoe, you want to take the other end of this cart?"

"Stay close," Simon murmured to River, and set off down the hallway, River at his shoulder. Mal and Zoe hung back slightly with the cart.

Finding an empty room for Zoe's scan had been tricky, but this time they were luckier: the neuro-imager wasn't in use, and they managed to slip into the room without anyone paying them any attention.

"Keep it quick, Doc," Mal warned.

Simon's mouth tightened in irritation, but he got straight down to business, moving over to the scanner. "River, lie down on the examination table, I'll just start the imager..."

River moved forward obediently to the table, then stopped. She was chalk-white. Zoe joined her and took her hand, squeezing it. "You sure about this?" she asked quietly.

"Not too late to change your mind, darlin'," Mal added. Glancing across, Zoe could see his concern.

River took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut. "No," she said, and lay down on the table. Zoe moved around so she could keep hold of her hand.

"I'll be as quick as I can, mei-mei," Simon said. He was concentrating on programming the scanner, but Zoe could see his concern as well. She knew he was doing this to try to help his sister, but it was hard to see River this pale and trembling.

_Hard for him as well_ , Zoe reminded herself, and squeezed River's hand tighter as a tear escaped her eyes, slipping silently down her cheek.

"I'm starting the scan now, River," Simon said. "It'll just take a few minutes."

It took four painfully slow minutes for the imager to finish running and send its data to Simon's data stick, and by the end River was crying properly, silently, eyes still screwed closed.

"Done," Simon said at last, pulling the stick from the machine and shutting down the scanner.

River scrambled off the table at once, still clinging to Zoe's hand. She was gulping for breath, tears still streaming down her face. Zoe exchanged a worried look with Mal.

Simon was already at his sister's side. "It's over now, mei-mei, you're okay –" He pushed her hair back and gently brushed the tears from her face. "Deep breaths, River, you're okay now..."

"Have to go," River gasped out, raising her head and looking from Zoe to Mal, who was standing next to the door to keep watch. "Need to go, need to get out of here –"

"You saying that because there're feds closing in, or because you need out, River?" Mal asked gently. "Because I got no problem with leaving, but you're gonna attract attention bolting out in this state. Give yourself a moment to calm down first, little albatross."

River dragged in a shuddering breath and pulled her hands free to press them to her face. Zoe exchanged a glance with Simon, but after a minute she lowered them again and seemed a little calmer.

"Cold water," she said, and when they all looked at her in confusion, trying to figure out what she might mean this time, she actually mustered a tiny smile and added, "For my eyes, so people won't see I've been crying?"

* * *

Zoe didn't completely relax until they'd made it safely back to Serenity, but they did, and things seemed quiet there. Kaylee had gotten the ship refuelled while they were gone and Jayne had picked up their other supplies.

Inara came across to join Zoe as she and Mal stowed away the mule. "Did everything go all right?"

For a moment, Zoe thought she knew – then realised she was referring to River's scan. "It did," she said, a beat too late. "It was rough on River, though." Simon had wanted to give her something when they'd gotten back to the ship, but River had refused, retreating to her bunk to rest instead. Zoe made a mental note to stop by and check on her in a few hours if she hadn't emerged by then. She couldn't help but feel a bit guilty: after all, it was because she'd wanted to keep her condition a secret that River had needed to go along to the hospital in the first place.

"I imagine it would be," Inara said sympathetically. "After what she went through at the Academy, any kind of medical test must be hard for her."

"She did well, though," Mal said. There was an odd kind of pride in his voice, and Zoe couldn't help but smile. For a man who generally didn't admit to attachments beyond 'crew', Mal was hopeless at hiding his affection for the people he cared about.

Inara shared a fond, secret smile with Zoe out of Mal's sight. "She's stronger than we sometimes give her credit for. I hope Simon can use the new data to help her, anyway."

"She'll be all right," Mal said. The mule secured to the top of the cargo bay again, he turned his attention to Inara. "I need to send a wave to Badger about the job here, but after that I don't reckon I've any pressing obligations, you know."

Inara took his hand with a smile. "Really? That will never do."

Zoe watched them head off together in the direction of the bridge, bickering amicably, and had to take a deep breath to steady herself through the wave of grief.

_Wash, baby, I miss you. I miss you so much._

She retreated to her bunk and lay down on their bed, trying to breathe through everything she was feeling, trying to quieten the roaring panic of indecision in her mind.

_I can't do this. I can't do this without you, baby._

She didn't know how much later it was when the storm inside her finally subsided, leaving her drained and empty, but she must have fallen into a light doze, because the ship's intercom woke her.

"Meeting in the kitchen in half an hour," was all Mal's voice said, but it was enough. The job was tonight, then. Which meant Zoe needed to get her head on straight.

She got up and changed clothes on autopilot, then splashed water on her face. _Cold water_ , River's voice rang in her mind, and Zoe mustered a grim smile before venturing out of her bunk.

The rest of the crew were already starting to gather in the communal area around the kitchen. Mal's eyes sought hers the moment she came in, and she gave him a tiny nod to reassure him. Mal nodded back, and she went over and took a seat on the couch where River was curled up.

River smiled at her, small and bruised, acknowledging their mental states, and Zoe returned it in kind.

"Did you manage to sleep?" she asked River quietly.

"For a while," River said. "Feeling better than before." She didn't ask Zoe how she was feeling, not in front of the others, though as like as not she simply didn't need to.

"Right," Mal said once everyone was there. "The job's going ahead tonight, so here's the situation. It should be a solid enough job. Badger has plenty of relatives out here, and one of them wants us to carry some cargo to him on Persephone. Badger ain't likely to cheat one of his own relatives, so payment shouldn't be the kind of problem it's sometimes been in the past with him."

Well, that was a bonus, Zoe admitted to herself.

"The cargo is several crates of foodstuffs," the captain went on. "Zoe, Jayne and I'll pick 'em up; the drop-point ain't too far from here, we can take the mule. When we get back to the ship, we'll head straight for Persephone. Kaylee, River, I'm gonna want you both to make sure the ship is ready when we get back, in case we need to take off quicker than expected, but this should be a quiet job." He looked around at the crew. "We all clear?"

Everybody seemed to be, though Zoe could feel Simon's eyes on her. Fortunately, he had enough sense not to say anything with the entire crew present. He caught up with Zoe as the group dispersed, though. "Can I speak to you for a moment?" he asked in an undertone.

There were plenty of things Zoe needed to get done if they were picking up the cargo tonight, but she nodded and followed the doctor to the infirmary anyway.

"I just wanted you to know that I finished analysing the additional data from your scan," Simon said once they could speak privately. "And the pregnancy is progressing normally and there are no indications of any health issues."

Zoe nodded. "Thank you, Doctor."

"Also, we brought termination pills back from the hospital with us," Simon said carefully. "If that's the decision you make, you simply have to let me know. But you still have months before you need to take that decision."

Zoe nodded again. "It's not an easy choice for me," she admitted quietly, because Simon had been very good in all of this, and he deserved more than silence from her. "I don't want to rush into anything. I need to be sure."

"Of course," Simon said at once. "I just want to make sure you have all the medical information that might factor into your decision. If you have any questions about the medical side of things at any point, come and talk to me any time." He hesitated, obviously unsure whether to go on.

Zoe raised an eyebrow. "Whatever it is, you might as well just come out and say it, Doctor."

"I just –" Simon hesitated again. "I realise your job can be a dangerous one. I guess I wanted to ask you to take what precautions you can."

Zoe fought to keep her expression and tone even. "My job's the same as it's always been. I've never made a habit of being reckless." She changed the subject firmly. "Did you analyse the results of River's scan too?"

"Yes, I did," Simon said, accepting the change of subject with good grace. "But there's no real sign of any change. It's difficult to be certain, because it's much less detailed than the scan we did on Ariel, so there might be some very minimal improvement that I'm not seeing, but..."

"Maybe that's a good sign," Zoe offered.

"Really?" Simon said blankly.

"She's improved a lot over the past couple of months," Zoe reminded him. "Out of all sight. If that's just her healing in the mental sense and not the physical sense, then maybe she can keep on improving. Without being dependent on some kind of medical miracle."

"I hadn't considered it from that perspective," Simon admitted thoughtfully.

"Don't underestimate her, Simon," Zoe said. "She's surprised us enough times already, and I'm sure she will again."

Simon's smile was rueful. "That's my sister, all right."

* * *

Darkness had already fallen when the captain left on the mule with Zoe and Jayne. River watched them leave from the catwalk, then drifted upstairs to wait on the bridge.

She set her radio carefully on the bank of instruments in front of her. Merely a precaution, the captain had said, so they could let her know if things went wrong, if they needed the ship to be ready to take off as soon as they reached it. And also, Mal had thought, so that she could contact them if anything happened on board the ship. 

He hadn't expected anything to happen, but he wasn't one for trusting in luck.

The pick-up point wasn't too far from the ship, but far enough that River was picking up only faint glimpses from the minds of Zoe and the captain; too far to pick up on Jayne's thoughts at all, since she didn't know him as well. She felt a growing unease, though, and then:

_Ni tama de. Tianxia suoyou de ren. Dou gaisi!_

River activated the ship's intercom. "Be ready for trouble."

Inara appeared on the bridge a moment later. "What's going on?"

"Don't know yet," River admitted. "Trouble of some kind." She could sense Kaylee in the engine room now, making sure they were ready to hit the sky as soon as the captain and the others returned.

The radio crackled into life. "River, we're gonna need to leave in a hurry."

"We're ready," River replied.

"Mal, what's happened?" Inara asked sharply, leaning over River's shoulder to speak into the transmitter.

"Seems like our contact neglected to mention a few minor details about how hot these particular goods are," the captain said. "Wang ba dan –"

River heard the gunshot. She could feel the worry running through Inara, even though it didn't show in her expression.

"Mal?" Inara asked.

The radio was silent.

"Busy," River said slowly. They were moving closer, fewer people between her and them now, and she could sense their minds more clearly. "Another mule pursuing them. They're still ten minutes away, at least."

Inara said nothing.

"There are..." River trailed off and then reached for the radio. "Captain, there are at least six of them between you and the ship now. Be careful."

There was no acknowledgement on the radio, but the renewed level of cursing she could hear in his mind assured her that he'd heard. River concentrated, picking up more clearly on how pinned down they were. It was taking all three of them to hold off their pursuers, which meant they weren't making much progress towards the ship. And more were closing in on them from the other direction now.

"Captain, I'm on my way," River said into the radio, and stood up.

"River, wait," Inara said, openly concerned now. "We need you here as pilot so we can take off as soon as they reach us –"

"Only works if they reach us," River pointed out. She could feel Inara's worry for her, mingling with and not warring with her concern for the captain and the others, and that warmed her. "I'll be careful. Keep Serenity open, make sure someone is ready to close her up as soon as we get on board."

She ran down the stairs, then, because the captain hadn't protested, not out loud. In his head she could hear his unhappiness with the idea, but also recognition that they were going to need help from some quarter to make it back to Serenity safely.

She was selfishly glad that Simon was in the engine room with Kaylee so she didn't see him as she left the ship. He wasn't going to be happy about this, she knew, but it would be easier to face him after.

It wasn't completely dark outside, lamps casting pools of dim light around the docks. River kept to the shadows, slipping from ship to ship, then along where the wall ran, round to the main exit.

Dock security had been alerted, she knew. Small-time crime they might turn a blind eye to – particularly if there was a bribe in it for them – but running gun battles in the street was the kind of thing the feds might take an interest in, and when the feds might take an interest it was always best for local security guards to look efficient and helpful and secure. There would be problems when the mule tried to enter the docks.

There weren't that many guards, though. Two on either side of the exit, and four more approaching who'd evidently been called back from patrolling the rest of the docks.

She took out the guards who hadn't quite reached the exit yet first, striking with sharp kicks and blows to the head. She knew exactly how strong a blow it took to shatter a skull, but was careful to instead apply just enough pressure to knock them unconscious and leave them that way for a while. None of them caught more than a glimpse of her, but even that they probably wouldn't be able to remember through the splitting headache when they woke up.

The last four guards were more alert and River was forced to do more damage in her brief fight with them. She was still careful, though. It was much harder being careful, much harder to knock them out than it would be to kill them, but she liked the feeling of being in control of herself, of judging her every movement so precisely.

When all the guards were unconscious and likely to stay that way for a good while, River moved away from the exit and along the inside of the wall. The exit was too brightly lit, too much a focus for unfriendly eyes. She ran just far enough to find a more shadowed spot, then climbed the wall and slipped carefully over the top.

"No time, no time," she murmured to herself. She'd lost too much time dealing with the guards the 'careful' way. Killing was far faster, for all that she didn't regret her choice.

She ran through the streets, moving towards where she felt the others were. The people she'd felt between them and the docks before had closed in on them now, and she didn't encounter any of them until she drew close.

Then she rounded a corner and they were right in front of her.

Jayne and the captain were concentrating on the people on the mule that was chasing them; Zoe was steering the mule with one hand and shooting with the other, focusing on the people ahead of them. The mule had more or less ground to a halt, though, with bullets raining down on all sides and Zoe having to keep most of her attention on fighting off their assailants.

River stopped thinking and simply moved.

She was less careful this time; the others were using bullets, after all, and those were far less careful than she could ever be. A sharp blow to the neck took out the closest attacker, who was crouching behind a cart and ducking out from behind his cover to take potshots at Zoe. His mind went dark and River grabbed his gun, but didn't fire – _no touching guns_. Instead she ran back out and spun under the hail of bullets that immediately came her way.

"River!" Zoe yelled.

River didn't waste time calling back – she could see Zoe's worry for her in her mind, echoed by the captain's curse and Jayne's "Ah, gorram it, that's all we need," as he picked off another one of their pursuers.

Between her and Zoe, they cleared the area ahead of the mule within a few minutes, and River leapt up onto the mule beside her.

"Hang on, we're moving again!" Zoe yelled before guiding the mule forwards, and they began to pick up speed.

"Qingwa cao de liumang," the captain cursed, firing off another shot behind them. "They're still on us. River, you okay?"

"Yes," River said. She could feel the adrenaline in her veins, but all her blood was flowing in them too, and the dams hadn't burst. She didn't think Mal would appreciate that much detail at this moment in time, though.

"How many still between us and the ship?" the captain demanded.

River concentrated. "None. All asleep. Security at the docks too."

The captain actually took a moment to look over his shoulder at her for that. "You took out security?"

"They preferred being asleep anyway," River offered by way of reassurance. "Hated working night shift."

Jayne barked out a laugh at that, and River saw Zoe smile tightly beside her.

"Shensheng de gaowan," the captain muttered, and returned his attention to their pursuers. 

Now that Zoe could concentrate on flying again and their path wasn't blocked, they made good time back to the docks. The guards were still down as the mule flew past, though River could see a few of them starting to stir.

_Less careful next time_ , she promised herself, and hoped they would stay unconscious long enough for Serenity to take off.

"They're still right on our gorram tail," Jayne swore, squeezing off another shot.

Serenity came into sight, and Zoe drove straight for the gangway. River knew how hard a manoeuvre that was to pull off, even with Serenity stationary, and stretched forward with her mind.

Inara and Simon were waiting by the doors, but both far enough out of the way that Zoe would be able to fly straight in.

"You're clear!" River called to her, and Zoe nodded once to show she'd heard and ramped their speed up as fast as the mule could go.

Then they were shooting into Serenity, braking sharply enough to nearly knock them all over. As the mule skidded to a halt, River and Zoe both realised at the same moment that their pursuers hadn't slowed down, and leaped clear on their respective sides of the mule as the second vehicle flew into Serenity and crashed into them.

"Wash –" Mal started and cut himself off abruptly. River felt the pain that shot through him at the realisation of his mistake, and regret for causing Zoe more grief, but he didn't apologise or take it back. "River, get us in the air! Get up to the bridge now!"

River was on the wrong side of the second mule, though, with the half dozen pursuers that had spilled off it between her and the stairs. She had no breath to waste on pointing that out as she ducked under a blow from the nearest man and swept his legs out from underneath him in the same move she and Zoe had practised together night after night.

"Wo de ma," the captain swore, pinned down by fighting himself.

"I got it, sir," Zoe called out, and as River flipped back to her feet she caught sight of Zoe running up the stairs.

One of the men next to her had a gun pointing in Zoe's direction, but a moment later River broke his wrist with a vicious kick – very careful, again, just not as kind – and sent the gun skittering across the floor, out of reach.

She threw herself into the fight then, her focus sharpening and then expanding to encompass everyone.

The men she was fighting were just starting to wonder if they were in over their heads, worried that they might not be able to stop the ship from taking off, worried that they might be trapped on it and killed. River could feel their every motion. She couldn't see the future, but you didn't need to in order to be able to dodge a bullet: you just had to know when the shooter was going to fire before they did. She twisted and spun.

A few feet away, Jayne and the captain were fighting too. Jayne was enjoying himself; he wasn't a vicious man, not like some men River had known: he didn't dream of blood and thirst for it. But he did enjoy a good fight, and he drove his fist into the nearest assailant's face.

The captain was enjoying himself too, the thrill of it, the adrenaline in his veins, feeling it the same way she did. He wasn't focused solely on the fight, though, part of his mind tracking where she and Jayne were, counting how long it had been since Zoe had run for the stairs and how soon they could conceivably be in the air, tracking where Inara was and Simon, making sure they were clear of the fight.

They were, and River was watching for them too. Inara was behind the cover of some crates a few feet behind River. She was worrying about all of them but unafraid for herself, watching as closely as she could, waiting for the right moment to dart out and press the button to close up the ship. Simon was behind cover on the other side of the cargo bay, but was mostly worrying about River, trying to keep an eye on her and not paying enough attention to keeping out of danger himself.

Kaylee was in the engine room, her trust in the captain keeping her from panicking and letting her focus on her own job. She was talking to Serenity, reassuring her, coaxing her heart to beat a little faster, to be ready when the moment came to fly free.

And Zoe had reached the bridge and was settling into Wash's seat. River could feel how hard it was for her to do this, but also how freeing, like stepping off a cliff and finding she could fly. Wash had been the one to teach her how to fly Serenity, his arms around her neck as he'd leaned over to show her the combination of switches to flick, the sequence of the buttons. Zoe followed the sequence now, just the way he'd taught her, and heard his voice in her memory, clear as if his ghost were saying it beside her, _Just like that, baby. Let's show them what we've got._

For one perfect moment, as River spun, she was everyone and she was no one.

The ship moved, lifting slowly off the ground, and River took out the man she'd been fighting with a kick that fractured his jaw. The last man's eyes had widened with panic as he felt the ship spring to life, and he ran for it, diving out of the doors before Serenity could clear more than a few feet off the ground.

"Get them off!" the captain yelled, grabbing one of the unconscious men and dragging him to the doors. Jayne did the same, and River and Simon moved another between them. It only took a few seconds to shove them all overboard, and River was fairly confident that they hadn't been high enough for the men to suffer too much additional damage from the fall.

Inara used the controls to close the ship up as the captain moved to the intercom. "Zoe, go!"

The ship picked up speed, hurtling upwards, and River could feel Zoe's smile as she took them up through atmo and out into the black, bittersweet but real.

_Nice flying, baby,_ her memory of Wash said, warm and only just out of reach.

_I miss you, baby_ , Zoe thought. _More'n I can bear, sometimes. But even so, I'm not so afraid of losing something that I won't try to have it. You're going to be a father, dear._ She pressed a hand to her stomach.

River smiled and made herself reel in her focus, be River-the-girl again and not River-the-ship.

"River!" Simon was saying, looking her up and down anxiously. "Are you okay?"

"Shiny," River said, and smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

"You and the baby are both looking healthy," Simon said, setting aside his stethoscope. "How are you feeling in general?"

"Slow," Zoe said ruefully. "This lump slows me down like you wouldn't believe."

"Well, you're almost seven months pregnant," Simon pointed out. "At some point you're going to have to slow down."

Zoe gave him a sharp look for that, but Simon met her gaze steadily and for once it was Zoe who sighed and admitted defeat. "I know."

Simon smiled at her, relieved that she'd finally admitted it out loud. He'd been worried throughout Zoe's pregnancy that she'd been trying to do too much, but every time he'd raised the issue with her she'd shot him down in flames. And Zoe was a crack shot, literally and metaphorically.

He didn't think he was alone in his concerns. Kaylee had been very obvious about 'just feeling like' doing chores that should have been Zoe's. Inara had taken to luring Zoe into her shuttle once a week and giving her massages. River had been more subtle, but Simon hadn't missed how often Zoe would start to get up and River would wander past, as if by chance, and hand her the glass of water or whatever Zoe had wanted.

Simon's estimation of the captain had gone up considerably in view of the fact that the jobs they'd taken since Dyton had been remarkably non-dangerous. He hadn't had a bullet wound to patch up in months. There had been a lot of transporting passengers, a lot of petty smuggling. A couple of riskier jobs, too, and Zoe had refused to sit them out, but somehow the captain had always needed her as a sniper, well away from the action, or waiting on the mule, ready to make sure they could make a quick get-away.

Maybe now Zoe would finally go easier on herself, and not try to take the risks she'd wanted to take before.

"I'll speak to the captain about it, if you like," he offered. "Tell him you're under doctor's orders to take things easier. No risky duties."

Zoe gave him an amused look. "Don't think you should go using the word 'orders' too freely around the captain, Simon. I'll talk to him myself."

Simon tilted his head, conceding the point. "That might be better. Same time next week, okay? But come and see me any time."

Zoe got carefully to her feet. "Thanks, Doctor."

Simon watched her leave, relieved to have one less worry. Now he just needed to figure out what to do for Kaylee's birthday. Still, if he could persuade Zoe to take things easier, surely that should be no challenge by comparison.

* * *

River was on the bridge with Inara and the captain when Zoe appeared in the doorway.

"Can I borrow you for a minute, sir, or are you otherwise occupied?"

River giggled at the soft teasing in Zoe's voice, and the captain cast her a mock-betrayed look.

"All the minutes you want, Zoe. River seems keen to make a start on those calculations."

River had no objection to doing the calculations, so she tipped her head back to pull a face at him. The captain shook his head, touched her shoulder, then stooped to drop a kiss on Inara's cheek before following Zoe off the bridge.

"I'll help with the calculations," Inara offered.

River smiled, slipping out of the co-pilot's seat. "It's okay. I enjoy doing them."

"I think you're the only one who does," Inara observed wryly.

"Physics is challenging," River said to explain her enthusiasm. "This kind of math can be too. I like challenges."

"Yes," Inara said with a rather private smile. "I can understand that."

River smiled too. Inara had the greatest control over her mind of anyone River had ever met, but on the rare occasions when that control slipped, the captain was always involved somehow. She didn't quite dare ask, but she thought that Inara might be happy.

When she'd first decided to stay on board, Inara hadn't taken any clients because they hadn't been sure what their status was, if it was safe. She'd been targeted once already, after all. It had also seemed risky to separate from the ship for long, when they all knew they might have to cut and run at any time.

But as the months had passed without any sign that the Parliament was coming after them, they had slowly relaxed a little. River was even allowed to leave the ship more often, so long as she went with another member of the crew. But Inara hadn't started taking clients again. None of the crew had commented, because by that point everyone knew that she and the captain had become involved, and could guess that there was an obvious connection.

Slowly, Inara had become more of a member of the crew, instead of the semi-independent figure she'd been before. She'd helped out on jobs once or twice, though the captain had been very careful to ensure that neither she nor her reputation were endangered. She'd learned the basics of flying Serenity, and was proficient, if not quite as skilled as River or the captain. The three of them and Zoe were dividing up shifts on the bridge between them, and the system was working out well.

And yet... with Inara, River could never be sure. The Companion was adept at moulding herself to fulfil other people's desires, and River sometimes wondered if Inara herself knew what she truly wanted. But at moments like this, quiet on the bridge together, with Inara allowing her thoughts to drift to the captain for a minute, River could believe that she was happy.

"I wonder what Zoe wanted to talk to Mal about," Inara said idly.

"Simon finally got her to admit that she needs to take things easier," River replied, forgetting that she wasn't supposed to know that yet.

Inara raised her eyebrows. "Clearly I've underestimated your brother's persuasive abilities."

"I'll admit I'm impressed my own self," the captain said, coming back onto the bridge. "But there you go. So, little albatross, how d'you feel about being more involved with our jobs for the next while?"

"Of course," River said eagerly. She enjoyed being part of the jobs the crew pulled, liked the feeling of being trusted, of having a role to play and earning her place on Serenity.

"Thank you, darlin'," Mal said. "Now, you got those calculations done yet?"

* * *

"Come sit outside with me for a while," Kaylee said, taking his hand and leaning up to steal a kiss.

Simon let her, gladly. Things were quiet; until the captain managed to track down a job for them – no doubt something shady – they were busy doing repairs, restocking, and occasionally even relaxing. Kaylee had spent the morning doing something complicated in the engine room: her hair was pulled back into a messy knot, she was still wearing her overalls, and she had grease smeared right down one cheek.

She was stunning, and Simon kissed her again, just because he could. Some days he still couldn't quite believe that he could; some days he lay in bed, watching her sleep, and wondered how he'd managed to hold back for so long. He'd had his reasons, but they'd all paled into insignificance the moment he'd realised that they weren't going to have more time. And when they'd survived after all, he'd been determined not to waste another moment.

Inara was already sitting outside when they emerged, an elegant parasol protecting her from the sun. She smiled when she saw them. "Come to enjoy the sunshine? It's beautiful out here."

"It is," Kaylee agreed happily. She sat down on a stool next to Inara, tugging Simon down to sit next to her. "Pity we ain't got more of a view, though."

Serenity was right at the edge of the docks, well out of the way, with only a few other ships around them. The tall, graffitied wall that marked the boundary of the docks blocked their view of the city, though in the other direction they could at least look across the port and see ships taking off and landing.

"Oh, I don't know, we've had worse," Inara said wryly. "Remember that moon where..."

Simon let himself tune out their conversation, tilting his head back to enjoy the sun. Being out in space didn't generally bother him – or at least not in that sense. The idea that they were one containment breach away from having no air was terrifying, and Simon had the distinct impression that the ship held together mostly by luck and the desire not to upset Kaylee. But being inside all the time, not feeling the warmth of the sun on his face, that didn't bother him. Even so, this made a nice change. Even nicer with Kaylee's hand warm in his.

A hand which was abruptly tightening its grip, bringing Simon out of his daze. He blinked his eyes open, but Kaylee wasn't looking at him. She was craning round to peer over his shoulder, towards the boundary wall. Simon turned as well and saw what had attracted her attention: a boy, maybe eight or nine, spraying graffiti on the wall close to the ship.

"If he even _thinks_ about spraying anything on Serenity," Kaylee muttered under her breath.

Simon smiled, reassured that there was no real cause for concern. "He wouldn't dare, not with us sitting right here."

"Someone sprayed something on the ship once, back before you came on board," Inara told him with an amused smile. "Kaylee made sure he lived to regret it. It was this tough-looking eighteen-year-old boy, and he was begging Mal to call her off."

"Well, it ain't right," Kaylee said indignantly, but she was relaxing now: the boy had already run off without so much as a second glance at Serenity. "It's disrespectful."

"You're right," Simon said, ruthlessly suppressing his amusement, and leaned in for a quick kiss.

Kaylee smiled when he pulled back, then held her hand up over her eyes to shade them. "Here come the others." She waved.

"It looks like Jayne might have bought the entire store," Inara observed, looking at the supplies piled on the mule. River was pressed right up against the side to make room for them.

"Hard at work, I see," Mal called as they stopped the mule in front of the ship. He jumped down and came across to drop a kiss on Inara's cheek.

"All done," Kaylee said proudly. "You could eat your dinner off the floor in the engine room, Cap'n."

"I'll pass, thank you," Mal said, turning to help Jayne unload the mule. River had jumped down as well, coming across to join Simon and Kaylee. She leaned down and brushed a kiss over his cheek, then slipped away.

"Any luck with finding work?" Inara asked.

"Looking good," Zoe said, shutting the mule's engine off and coming across to join them. "Our contact passed us the details and we're to meet the customer in a couple of hours." She paused, looking over Simon's head. "River?"

Simon immediately twisted round to check on his sister. She was standing in front of the boundary wall, her hands clenched into fists, and she didn't turn to look at them.

"River?" Simon said. He released Kaylee's hand and got to his feet.

River gasped, bringing her hands up to her head, and abruptly crumpled.

Inara and Kaylee cried out in warning, and Simon lunged in her direction, too far away to reach her. Fortunately, Zoe was closer, catching her in time to break her fall and lower her more gently to the ground.

"River?" Simon said anxiously, reaching her side, checking her pulse. It was elevated and she was pale, but at first glance there was nothing obviously wrong. "I need to get her to the infirmary –"

"I got her," the captain said from where he was crouching on River's other side. "You go ahead and make sure everything's set up."

Simon obeyed, knowing it was the fastest course of action. The captain was right behind him, lowering River carefully onto the bed. Simon immediately set to work, checking her pulse and pupils and hooking her up to the monitors. "Did anything happen in town?"

Standing on the other side of the table, just far back enough not to be in the way, Zoe said quietly, "Nothing I noticed." She looked across at Mal. "Maybe the stress of the crowds?"

"Maybe," the captain said, not sounding convinced. He didn't look away from River.

"Aw, hell," Jayne said, arriving at the door, looking over Kaylee's and Inara's shoulders, "she gone crazy again?"

Simon ignored him, frowning at River's accelerating heartbeat. "I think she's –"

River sat bolt upright with a gasp, eyes wide and unseeing, frantically tugging free of the sensors he'd attached.

"Wo de tien, a," Jayne muttered. Simon was pretty sure everyone in the room had jumped.

"River," he said carefully. "River, you're back on Serenity –"

"No no no no no," River was moaning quietly. She pushed off the bed in her panic and sank down to huddle on the floor, arms up to shield her face, and _god_ , it reminded Simon so much of how she'd been when he'd first smuggled her on board that he couldn't even move.

"River," Zoe said in that frozen moment, crouching down next to her, close enough to touch but not reaching out. "River, it's okay now, honey."

"Don't make me," River choked out, "please, please don't make me, I don't want to, I can't –"

"You're safe here, River. Ain't nobody going to make you do anything you don't want to," Zoe assured her. "Captain wouldn't stand for it, and neither would I. Nor you brother, nor Kaylee or Inara. Not even Jayne."

Jayne muttered something under his breath, but Simon caught sight of the glare the captain turned in Jayne's direction and was deeply thankful that it wasn't directed at him.

River slowly lowered her arms from in front of her face, though she was still breathing hard. "I can't – I can't do it again, please don't make me –"

"Make you do what?" the captain asked, crouching down beside Zoe. "Who's tried to make you do something, little one?"

"The sign," River whispered, her eyes wide and panicked as she looked at the captain. "Don't let them give me a mission, I don't want one –"

She wasn't calming down, Simon decided. For shorter episodes it was usually best to let them run their course if possible, but if this level of paranoia and confusion was manifesting, it was better to give her a smoother, possibly even a sedative.

He moved past Zoe and the captain. "Mei-mei, I'm going to give you something to help you –"

"Won't help," River said, and she was crying. Simon had never been able to cope with her tears, not even when she was a baby, and it killed him that he couldn't make this better.

He'd been one of the most gifted students of his generation, one of the brightest and most talented young doctors on Osiris, and it meant _nothing_ , because he couldn't heal his sister.

"This will let you rest," he said, and gently took her arm, turning it to find the vein. "Things will seem better when you wake up."

"Please don't let them," River whispered, her eyes slipping closed. "No more missions."

"It'll be okay, mei-mei," Simon reassured her.

The captain lifted her carefully as she went limp and shifted her back onto the bed. "You got any notion what she was talking about?"

Simon hooked River back up to the monitors. "Captain, she has episodes. Paranoia, trauma from what happened to her. Most likely Zoe was right and the crowds in town were just too much for her."

"No," the captain said. "I don't think so." He turned and stalked out of the infirmary.

Zoe and Simon shared a startled look, and Zoe moved to follow.

"I'll stay with her," Kaylee offered at once, as Simon looked back at River, torn. "She's asleep, she'll be fine for a minute –"

"Thank you," Simon said, offering her a strained but grateful smile, and hurried after the captain and Zoe, Inara and Jayne bringing up the rear.

"This is where she was looking," the captain said, coming to a halt in front of the wall opposite the ship. "Right here."

Simon stared. It was the graffiti the little boy had been painting just minutes earlier: the Chinese characters for 'mission' in bright blue paint.

"You think that's what set her off?" Zoe asked.

"Set her off – or triggered her," the captain said.

Simon understood the distinction at once. "Wait, you think someone deliberately –"

"I don't know," Mal said, turning to look at him. "All I know is it don't exactly mesh with the rest of the graffiti on this wall. Fresh-looking, too."

"It is," Inara said, sharing an uneasy look with Simon. "The three of us were sitting out here talking – we saw the boy who painted it. Kaylee was worried he might try spraying something on the ship, too, so we kept an eye on him, but he ran off after painting that."

"Boy?" Mal asked, turning to Inara.

"Eight or nine, perhaps," Inara said. "He didn't stand out at all."

"Hmm," the captain said thoughtfully.

"It doesn't seem to have triggered her like the code on Beaumonde," Simon offered, thinking his way through it carefully. "I think it's more likely that she simply has bad associations with the word 'mission', and seeing it caused this episode." He shook his head. "Either way, I need to get back to her."

Kaylee stood up when he re-entered the infirmary. "She hasn't stirred. What did –"

"The graffiti the boy painted on the wall outside," Simon explained briefly, checking over the monitors for himself. "'Mission' – we think that's what set her off, she must have bad associations with the word."

He ran out of monitors to check, and smoothed the hair back from River's face, which was still drawn, even in sleep.

"Hey," Kaylee said softly, and when he turned to her, engulfed him in a hug. "Are _you_ okay?"

Simon let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding, and rested his head on her shoulder. "She's been doing so much better," he said.

"She has," Kaylee agreed, and pressed a kiss to the side of his head. "I thought she'd stopped having... you know..."

"Episodes," Simon supplied. "I still don't completely understand what they did to her. I don't know if she's ever going to recover completely. Maybe this is just a temporary setback, or maybe the last while has been a temporary good phase. I just don't know."

"I don't think it's temporary," Kaylee said staunchly. "It's been ages since she last had an – an episode like this, Simon, that's more'n just a phase. She's been _so_ much better. Captain's been letting her fly the ship and everything, and he wouldn't do that if he didn't think she was okay."

Simon kept his own opinion on the captain's judgement to himself. "I hope you're right."

"You'll see," Kaylee said confidently, squeezing him tight and then releasing him. "Never underestimate River, that much I've learnt over this past year or two. She'll be okay – better than."

Simon turned back to his sister, but let himself be comforted by Kaylee's optimism.

* * *

When River woke up, things were cloudy.

Cotton wool in her mind, she realised. To stop her from cutting herself on the knives there. She could feel the blood soaking through it, though, dyeing it all red...

"Mei-mei?" Simon said, crossing to stand beside her, reaching out to touch her forehead. "How are you feeling now?"

"Cloudy," River said wearily. "Full of cotton wool."

Simon nodded. "That'll be the after-effects of what I gave you. It'll wear off soon, I promise."

River sat up slowly, testing her balance.

"How much do you remember of what happened?" Simon asked.

"'Mission'," River murmured, and felt the blood soak into the cotton wool that much faster. "I – I remember. I collapsed." She frowned slowly. "Need to speak to the captain..."

"Right here," Mal said, stepping into the infirmary. She felt the way his eyes swept over her, evaluating her. "How're you doing, little one?"

"Cloudy," she said again. "Captain – the sign –"

"You think it was put there for you?" the captain asked.

River paused, caught off-guard by a wave of relief. He was listening to her. He believed her. "No evidence. Can't prove it."

"But you believe it," Mal said. "Why would they do that? I'm guessin' they could've done worse, if they know we're here."

"I don't know," River said, and felt her eyes fill with tears. "I don't know why."

She was sure he was going to ask the obvious question, but instead the captain looked over to Kaylee. "Don't suppose you'd be willing to go brew up a pot of tea, Kaylee. I think River here could surely do with a cup."

"Of course!" Kaylee said, smiling at him. "I'll be right back." She blew a kiss to Simon and vanished out the door.

"There, now," the captain said. "Just me and your brother now. Tell me what the word 'mission' meant to you."

"I –" River started, but her courage failed her, and she looked down at her hands, fingers biting into skin.

"You can tell me, darlin'," Mal murmured. "Got a fair notion already, but I'd like to hear you say it." River had to look up at that, almost drawn into smiling at the echo of her own words, in spite of everything. "As for your brother, don't reckon there's anything you could say that could make him hold you to blame for it."

"You know you can tell me anything, River," Simon said reassuringly, and she could hear the dread in his mind, but also the absolute certainty that it wasn't her fault, that there was nothing that could make him blame her.

"We were being trained to perform missions," she said finally. "They conditioned us to want missions, to need... My first mission was to –" River paused and took a breath, but the captain's eyes held hers and she kept going. "The psychiatrist. I had sessions with him twice a week. One of the doctors gave me the mission of killing him."

Simon made an abortive movement with his hand, as if he wanted to reach out but had thought the better of it.

"I used his pen," River said, looking down at her hands. "Didn't have a weapon, so I stabbed him in the neck with his pen." She remembered the way she'd felt that day with as much sharpness as the cotton wool in her mind would allow: the knowledge that there was no way out, and the sheer relief of having a purpose.

"River," she heard Simon say. When she looked up, she gathered from his expression that it wasn't the first time he'd said her name, but she'd been too lost in the memory to hear. "River, mei-mei, it wasn't your fault."

"The blood stained my hands red," River said, looking down at them again. "Red and... blue..."

"Even so," the captain said, drawing her attention back again. "With what they did to you – the blame lies with them, River. Not with you." He paused. "I can understand your reaction to seeing the word outside, then."

"Too much," River said, trying to explain. "Saw it and had to fight back the conditioning, and was so sure someone had to be watching, tried to reach out and find them – so many minds, and then, then it was too much. Overloaded."

" _Was_ someone watching?" Mal asked sharply.

"Don't know," River admitted. "Too much data, can't be sure..."

The captain nodded. "All right. Still might be a coincidence, but I ain't inclined to take the risk. We'll be in the air in fifteen minutes. Try not to go fainting again in the meantime, little albatross."

River managed to give him the smile he was angling for. "Aye aye, sir."

The captain nodded to Simon and left. Simon immediately came round the table to stand closer to her. "River... you know I meant what I said, don't you? You're not to blame for anything they made you do. None of it."

"Know you meant it," River conceded after a moment.

But she also knew that Simon didn't understand. He thought of her as having been a helpless victim, and she had been, but it wasn't as simple as that. Things were never as simple as that.

"But there's something you feel you can't tell me," Simon said. "Isn't there?"

Simon knew her too well. It was comforting to know that even after everything that had happened, Simon still knew her. Didn't always understand her, didn't always manage to follow the twists and turns of her mind, but he still knew her.

Her brother sat on the table next to her and took her hand. "I'm always going to be here, mei-mei. There's no way you're getting rid of me. No matter what."

River looked down at their hands. "I didn't hate killing him. The psychiatrist."

A beat, then Simon squeezed her hand. "How did you feel about it?"

"Glad," River said. "Glad to have a purpose, glad to prove I could do something. It'd been so long..."

She could feel pain in Simon's mind, but no blame for her, and he couldn't understand, he didn't understand, so she went on, "He wasn't a bad man. You think he was evil, but he wasn't –"

"He hurt you, River," Simon interrupted, far too gentle. "That makes him a bad man. In my view, it makes him an evil man."

"He thought he was doing the right thing," River said. She could still remember the feeling of his mind, the way he saw her as an immensely valuable tool, the taste of his belief. " _We're doing such good work_ , he used to think. He thought it was for the best. He thought he was helping me, most of the time."

"But he wasn't, mei-mei," Simon reminded her. "He hurt you. He was wrong."

"I didn't care that I killed him," River said. "Was glad to have a purpose, but I didn't even feel glad that I killed him, just... Glad to show him he was wrong. Glad to make him look at what he'd helped to do."

She felt oddly numb, something more than the cotton wool still clouding her mind. But she remembered Miranda, remembered how it had felt when she'd pulled the blade of that secret out of her mind, how the pain had rushed in before it had healed. Maybe this was another wound that might heal now. Knowing that Simon – Simon, who was a doctor, who healed people, but who would kill for her – knowing that he didn't blame her, that he didn't think she should have felt differently... that was something.

Simon interlaced their fingers, and after a moment River leaned over to rest her head on his shoulder.

* * *

Normally it would have taken them five days to reach Harvest. With the course Mal had plotted, it was going to take them closer to ten.

Not that Simon was complaining. If the captain was willing to go out of his way to make sure River was safe, Simon was very much in favour. That said, he wasn't sure it was the best course of action in this case. Taking River's more paranoid episodes too seriously might just reinforce them.

Still, she seemed to be recovering well. A little too quiet and withdrawn, still, but that would take time. And a distraction, perhaps. Kaylee's birthday might work nicely.

Deciding what to do for it hadn't been as easy as Simon felt it ought to be.

For one thing, it looked like they were going to be in space that day. No timetable was ever really set in stone on a ship like Serenity – there were too many variables that might spin out of control at any time – but the plan, at least, was for them to land on Harvest two days from now, spend two days there taking on cargo, then take off again before her birthday. Being in space ruled out a lot of what Simon considered appropriate ways of celebrating your girlfriend's birthday.

But there were things he could do. He could try to make a cake. He'd helped Kaylee to make River's birthday cake a few months ago, and the memory still brought a smile to his face: Kaylee smearing frosting across his face, laughing at his expression and then licking it back off.

And he could try to arrange for some kind of special treat for dinner that day. There was a market on Harvest. He could enlist River, ask her to go shopping with Kaylee – a good distraction for them both, hopefully. And then he could try to get hold of some strawberries or something else she'd like.

Presents were a given, of course, though he wasn't sure yet exactly what to give her. He would have to look for something at the market too.

"You're looking far too frowny," Kaylee said, walking into the infirmary and smiling at him, reaching up for a kiss that Simon was all too glad to give her. She pulled back after a moment and studied him. "Something wrong?"

Simon smiled at her wholeheartedly. "No. Not at all."

He still couldn't begin to understand the way she just lit up sometimes, how she was always so full of goodwill towards the world, the way she made him – made everyone – happier just by being there. He didn't understand it, but he loved it.

"Hmmm, if you say so," Kaylee said, running a hand over his forehead as if to make sure the frown had been banished, and then set about distracting him entirely from what he'd been thinking about.

* * *

The market on Harvest was a sprawling, bustling affair. River was glowing at the chance to explore it with Kaylee. Simon had asked her to keep Kaylee occupied while he picked up some things for her birthday. River had agreed at once.

It was a beautiful day, the sun blazing down. It was novel to feel the ground beneath her feet. River loved Serenity, wouldn't ever want to leave her, but it was nice, from time to time, to scrunch her toes up in the dirt or feel the grass tickle her feet.

The market was busy, a cacophony of sights and sounds and colours, so many people and a whirlwind of impressions and thoughts pressing in on her. River rode the wave of it, letting it buoy her up instead of sweeping her away, holding onto Kaylee's hand so she didn't lose herself in the crowd.

"It's really something, isn't it!" Kaylee exclaimed over the noise of the crowd.

"It is," River agreed softly, tilting her head back to look at the sky.

"How long do you think we can spend here before the captain gets annoyed at us?" Kaylee wondered aloud.

"Serenity can't take off without her mechanic," River observed, smiling at her. "They'll wait for us."

Kaylee laughed. "Let's make the most of it, then!"

They took their time wandering among the stalls. There were necessities that they had to pick up, of course – food, most importantly, and Kaylee managed to track down a couple of small but useful spare parts at one stall. Kaylee also dragged River to stall after stall selling clothes. That didn't much interest River – appearances were just appearances; whatever she wore, she was always River – but she let Kaylee talk her into buying a couple of new dresses, and told Kaylee she looked pretty when she tried on some new outfits. Kaylee did look pretty, of course, but that was because she was _Kaylee_ ; the clothes really had nothing to do with it.

"What next?" Kaylee asked, looking around her. "Do you want to –"

The bullet came out of nowhere.

Kaylee cried out in pain and shock, and River gasped and knocked Kaylee to the ground, behind the cover of some packing crates.

"You're hurt," she said, frantic, feeling Kaylee's pain and fear as if they were her own, paralysed by them for a moment.

"My leg," Kaylee said weakly, clutching it, red spreading beneath her hand. "What –"

River looked around frantically. Things had dissolved into chaos, with people screaming and running. She shook as the panic and chaos rolled through her, struggling to breathe.

More gunfire, and River braced herself above Kaylee, trying to shelter her. It snapped her out of her paralysis enough for her to _act_ instead of _react_ , and she listened, with her ears and with her mind, mentally tracing back the trajectory of the bullets.

There was a warehouse just beyond the edge of the market, with an upper storey. The shooter had to be there.

"Stay here, don't move," River instructed Kaylee urgently, "the crates will shield you." Then she moved out from behind their cover.

Gunfire rang out again, but River had expected it and calculated her angle accordingly, shifting at once behind another stack of crates. She'd seen enough to confirm that she'd been right about the warehouse.

She would probably make it there intact, but she couldn't leave Kaylee injured and unprotected for that long, and it would likely give the shooter the chance to escape by another route in the meantime. Instead she looked around, then ran back towards the crowd of people until she managed to slip a gun away from a man running from the shooting.

It was hard, searching through all the panicked minds around her to find the person she was looking for. But by the time River made it back to the crates, less than a minute later, she'd found the mind of the man shooting at them. An amateur, not a professional assassin. He was a thief, for the most part, but he'd been given her photograph, payment and instructions from an intermediary who hadn't known any more than him. He didn't know she was wanted by the Alliance, didn't know or care anything about her. All he knew was that he'd been paid to kill her.

River shuddered at the feeling of his mind and stepped out from behind the crates.

Calculating the necessary trajectory only took a split-second, and she was able to fire three rapid shots before ducking back behind the crates. Three was perhaps overkill, but with an unfamiliar weapon and over a relatively long distance there was always a chance that her first shot wouldn't be accurate enough. And River wasn't taking any chances, not with Kaylee.

She felt the shooter's mind fall silent and slip beyond her reach, and knew that she'd hit her target.

River hurried back to Kaylee, whose eyes were closed now, and pressed her hands frantically down on the wound. "Kaylee!"

_Captain!_ she called, reaching out for his mind. They hadn't tried this again since that first time she'd reached out to him, but she felt his alarm and knew he'd heard. _Bring the mule – far side of the market, Kaylee's hurt, hurry –_

She felt enough to gather he was scrambling into action, and pulled back, reaching out for another familiar mind. _Simon!_

* * *

Simon hadn't expected to find himself examining rings while looking for Kaylee's birthday present.

Jewellery was one thing, albeit probably beyond the limits of his wallet these days. But a ring – that wasn't the kind of commitment you rushed into after being with someone for eight months. That would be naive and irresponsible, and Simon didn't consider himself either.

But he'd been looking at the cheaper items of jewellery when he'd caught sight of the ring and had to take a closer look.

He could imagine sliding that ring onto Kaylee's finger, could imagine her wearing it. Maybe not right now, maybe it was still too early, but someday – someday he wanted to give that ring to her.

Simon was balancing it on his hand, working up the nerve to ask the stall owner the price despite his predatory smile, when the gunfire and screaming started.

He ducked automatically, instinct after the past couple of years. The stall owner was already hastily sweeping his wares into a bag, and Simon was about to throw the ring to him when he heard River scream, "Simon!"

He didn't even think, just lurched to his feet and ran in the direction he'd heard the shots coming from. Everyone else was running in the opposite direction, buffeting him, but Simon kept going until he ran out of crowd, until he found River crouching behind a pile of crates.

"River," Simon said in alarm, and River turned, her face blank in that way he hated. But it was all driven from him at the sight of Kaylee lying on the ground, blood dyeing the dirt a darker shade of brown.

"Kaylee, oh god," he breathed, dropping to his knees beside her, checking the wound. She was bleeding a lot, but not as much as she would have been if the bullet had caught the artery. Simon knew exactly how much it hurt to be shot, though, and Kaylee's face was horribly pale, her eyes shut. She was only unconscious, he knew even as he tested her pulse with fingers too well-trained to tremble, but it was too much a reminder of the way she'd looked in the compound on Mr Universe's moon, darts protruding from her neck. Simon bit his lip as he tore off his shirt to press it against the wound.

"Ni tama de tianxia suoyou de ren dou gaisi," someone swore behind him, and Simon glanced away from Kaylee for a second to see that the captain had arrived with, thank god, the mule.

"We need to get her back to the ship right away," Simon ordered, and for once Mal didn't argue or take issue with his tone, just helped him lift her, as carefully as possible, and transfer her to the mule.

The trip back to the ship was a blur, and Simon wasn't really aware of anything until he had Kaylee on the infirmary bed and was dosing her with a sedative to keep her out while he removed the bullet.

"We'll go check on River," Zoe said reassuringly, "you help Kaylee."

Simon paused for a moment. "Is she hurt?" She wasn't in the infirmary, he realised belatedly; he couldn't remember seeing her since the moment he'd noticed Kaylee, and if she was hurt –

"Just shook up, I reckon," Mal said. "Zoe's right: you look after Kaylee, we'll make sure River's okay."

Simon had to take him at his word: Kaylee needed him. He waited until Mal and Zoe had left and Inara had taken up the captain's place across the table, hovering at Kaylee's side, and set to work.

* * *

River made herself as small as she could, squeezed into the far corner of the engine room, and trembled.

Kaylee's thoughts were distant and shrouded, and Simon was forcing his panic and fear into the rigid channels of his training, closing off everything but the work he was doing, and River couldn't focus, couldn't find herself, torn free by the storm and dashed against the rocks –

– not rocks, knives, always knives inside her mind, blood seeping and spreading, blood, always blood –

– it had spread beneath her hands as she put pressure on Kaylee's leg, staining them red –

– red hands, blue hands, only a shift in perspective, and she can't, she can't –

"River?"

River red, River of blood, River runs to the ocean and gets lost when the riptide drags her under –

"There you are. You all right, little one?"

They drove needles into her head, into her brain, and it hurt, it hurt, but not as much as this, not as much as knowing that her hands are red, her hands are blue, and Kaylee –

Hands touched hers, and River hadn't realised they were pressed to her head, fingernails digging in, until gentle pressure drew them away. "Hey. River. Look at me. Come on, now."

River blinked herself back to the here and now, and found the captain crouching in front of her, keeping a firm grasp on her wrists. Zoe was next to him, her eyes dark.

"I'm sorry," River said, helpless, the words rushing out of her; she could hear the madness in her own voice but couldn't control it any more. "I'm sorry, my hands are red, hands of blue – didn't mean it but the dove pays the price, and I can't fix it, you can't heal what you broke –"

"Slow down, River," Zoe said firmly, and River closed her eyes and tried to breathe, tried to do as she was told. "Kaylee's gonna be okay. Simon'll fix her right up."

"Your brother and I may not always see eye to eye, but he knows his business," the captain agreed. "She'll be hopping around in no time, you wait and see."

"Shouldn't have to pay the price," River said, unhappy and struggling to fit words around the chaos swirling in her mind. "Paid it twice, paid it thrice, and it was mine to pay, my debt –"

"River," the captain said again, and it anchored her attention a moment. She was grateful, even if she deserved no better than to be swept out to sea. "River, it wasn't your fault."

"He wanted to kill me," River said, and her agitation melted into a confused, broken resignation. _Still life, still death, god oh god make me a stone_. "Took his thirty coins and the photo of the girl and followed his instructions. Kaylee shouldn't pay for me in blood, not again, not ever, not like she did the first time."

The captain and Zoe exchanged a quick glance, then Mal squeezed her wrists. "Even if he was aiming for you, darlin', that don't make what happened to Kaylee your fault."

"Supposed to protect her," River said tiredly. "Precious one, special one, we keep her safe, always, but I didn't, I _didn't_ , and that's my job, my function, the purpose of the weapon is to protect, and I failed, let her blood spill out, and it was my function. Weapon cuts you open when you try to wield it, and now it has no purpose."

"Mei-mei," Zoe said, and that was new, Zoe had never called her that before, and it drew River's attention to her. Zoe reached out and pushed a strand of River's hair behind her ear, and it was so much like something Simon would do that River almost choked on her tears. "River, mei-mei, we all feel like that when Kaylee gets hurt. It wasn't your fault. Ain't no one blames you – not me, not the captain, not your brother, and when Kaylee wakes up she'll tell you she doesn't blame you either, you'll see."

"Zoe's right," the captain said. Something dark and strange in his voice drew her eyes back to him. Mal was feeling... something he couldn't put into words, something she couldn't either, but a feeling that made her shiver. "And it ain't your function, River. You're crew, not a weapon, and don't you forget that. You're not wrong about Kaylee – she's special, sure enough, and we all try to protect her, that's the truth – but if you don't realise you're special too, that we want to protect you too, you ain't as much of a genius as I've been led to believe. You got that? You're not on my crew to protect Kaylee or as a weapon or as a sacrifice. You're on my crew because you're River, and you ain't no more expendable than Kaylee is, so you be sure to get that through your head, little albatross."

River stared at him and he held her gaze steadily. She could feel something like anger in him now, but it was turned inwards: anger at himself that she hadn't known this already, eight months after Miranda. She could feel the same certainty in Zoe, though without the burning edge of fury that tinged Mal's thoughts.

"You understand that, River?" Mal asked, still holding her gaze. "Has that made it into that brain of yours?"

"I'm part of your crew," River said softly, still a little uncertain, testing the words out on her tongue, but she was rewarded with a relaxation of the lines around Mal's eyes and another squeeze of her wrists.

"That's right. And don't you forget it," he said. "Now, how're you doing?"

River blinked and tried to take stock. She felt... exhausted, like she'd been swimming against the tide for too long. She felt like the madness that had raged through her mind had subsided, leaving behind the hushed stillness of a world that still wasn't sure that chaos wouldn't erupt again at any moment.

"Tired," she said eventually. "But better. Waves washed me up on the shore, and the storm is passing."

_Once upon a time that wouldn't have made a lick of sense to me_ , the captain thought, but it was fond and wry."Good," was all he said aloud, approvingly, and he gently released her wrists. "Now then, I'm going back to see how Kaylee's doing. Zoe's gonna see you to your bunk so I can tell your brother honestly that you're getting some sleep, dong ma?"

River nodded wordlessly. The captain nodded back, exchanged a glance with Zoe, then got to his feet and strode out of the engine room.

"You feeling up to moving, or do you want to sit here a bit longer?" Zoe asked.

River considered. "I can stand," she said finally, and did so. She reached out a hand to help Zoe up: at eight months, Zoe was finding movements like that increasingly hard. "Sorry. You didn't need to..."

"Hush," Zoe said, not unkindly. "C'mon, let's go."

She kept hold of River's hand as they walked, and River wondered at that, too, but stayed quiet, spent by the force of the storm, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other as they headed towards the crew quarters. To River's surprise, Zoe followed her down into her bunk, waiting for River to get into bed and then smoothing the blanket over her and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"You think you'll be able to sleep, mei-mei?" she asked.

River looked up at her. "You never called me that before," she said finally.

Zoe's mouth quirked, and she nodded, conceding the point. "Maybe so. Been the truth for a while now, though. You've got more family than just Simon on board this ship, River."

River didn't know what to say, because it didn't compute. The way it made her feel, the light bursting into glory inside her, wasn't quantifiable.

Zoe seemed to understand, somehow, because she just smiled and stood up. "Get some sleep, River," she said, and headed for the steps, climbing laboriously out of the room.

River stared up at the ceiling and slowly allowed her eyes to drift closed.

* * *

"How's she doing, Doc?" the captain asked as he strode back into the infirmary, joining Inara at the side of Kaylee's bed.

Simon was in the process of sterilising the instruments he'd used. "Good. The anaesthetic will keep her out for a few hours, but the injury wasn't life-threatening and she should make a full recovery."

He was feeling entirely calm and collected, even when the captain shot a sharp look at him. He met his gaze evenly, and the captain nodded slowly and looked back at Kaylee, reaching out to touch her cheek.

Simon carefully finished sterilising the instruments and putting them away, each in their proper place, ordered and gleaming. "Is River all right?"

"She's fine," the captain said lightly. "Was a bit upset about what happened to Kaylee, but she's calmed down now. Zoe's making sure she gets back to her bunk safely; she needs sleep more than anything."

Simon nodded. Of course the incident would have been a traumatic experience for River, but sleep would do her good. She would be fine. Everything was under control.

"We'll leave you to it, Doctor," Inara said smoothly, taking the captain's hand and moving towards the door.

"We will? I mean, we will," the captain corrected himself at Inara's look, and allowed her to draw him out of the room. Simon was aware of them talking in hurried undertones just outside the room, but ignored them in favour of making sure everything was in order.

He checked and double-checked all the monitors he had Kaylee hooked up to, and made sure the bandage he'd applied a mere twenty minutes ago didn't need changing, and then set to work sterilising every surface in the room. When he'd finished that, he launched into reorganising the contents of all the drawers and cabinets to make the ordering more logical.

It wasn't until Kaylee said muzzily, "S'mon?" several hours later that the cold glass of professional detachment cracked and fell in shards around him.

"Kaylee," Simon said, rushing to her side, checking all the monitors in one swift glance. "How do you feel?"

"Shiny," Kaylee sighed and smiled up at him. "C'mere."

Simon let himself be drawn down for a kiss, and then found himself forcing back hot tears as he buried his face against the curve of her neck. "Oh god, Kaylee..."

"Shhh," Kaylee murmured, comforting even through the haze of the drugs. Her hand found its way to his hair on its third attempt. "Shhh, S'mon, m'here, s'okay..."

She was there. She was going to be okay. He hadn't lost her, not this time.

Simon gave up on holding back his tears.

* * *

River awoke and realised it was already ship's morning. It had been a long time since she'd last slept that long without having been drugged or put to sleep, but she felt more stable than the day before, like maybe she was strong enough to join the others at breakfast.

"Hello, darlin'," the captain greeted her as she walked into the kitchen, her bare feet testing out the ground beneath her. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"Rested," River said, slipping into the space next to Zoe and accepting the tea Inara poured for her with a faint smile.

"Good," Mal said. "Your brother and Kaylee are both sleeping still, but she's doing fine, Doc patched her up well and proper."

River heard what he didn't say: the way Simon had retreated behind the glass walls of his professionalism, the way Mal had recognised it all too well, hated it but couldn't fault him for it. But she also saw what he and Inara had seen when they'd looked in later – Simon curled up with his head on Kaylee's shoulder – and was reassured just as they had been.

Zoe nudged her gently and passed her a plate of food, distracting her from the images in the captain's mind. River thanked her softly and set to eating, surprised by how hungry she was, though she realised belatedly that she'd barely eaten the previous day.

"What I want to know is why we're all still sittin' around here," Jayne said grumpily, drinking another gulp of his tea. "Why aren't we hunting down the qingwa cao de liumang who did this to Kaylee? Or, hell, if we ain't gonna go after them, what are we still doin' here?"

"We'll talk about what we're going to do next after breakfast, Jayne," Mal said firmly. "Eat up, River."

River hadn't realised she'd put her fork down until he said it. She eyed it suspiciously and lifted it again, but her appetite had mostly evaporated. Still, with Zoe, Mal and Inara all watching her expectantly, she managed to start eating again and eventually, mechanically, to clear her plate.

"That's better," the captain said approvingly, and poured them all more tea. "Now then. River, you told me and Zoe a bit about what happened yesterday, but maybe you can fill us in properly so we can decide what we're going to do next."

River took her mug from him and sipped hesitantly at her tea. "We were shopping. On the far side of the market from here. I wasn't... I wasn't paying enough attention to what was going on around me –"

"Ain't here to place blame," Mal interrupted her gently. "Just to figure out what happened. You weren't to know there was any reason to be on guard, little albatross."

River couldn't agree – there had been the sign, she'd been warned – but she let it go in favour of continuing with her story. "There was a shot – Kaylee was hit. I pushed her behind some crates for cover. The shooting didn't stop. The shooter was on the top floor of a warehouse on the edge of the market. I grabbed a gun from one of the people who were running away and shot him. Then I tried to help Kaylee."

"The shooter," Mal said. "What can you tell us about him?"

"He had my picture," River admitted, her voice small even though the captain and Zoe knew already.

"What else?" Zoe prompted.

"Small-time crook," River said slowly, thinking back, trying to sift through the maze of impressions she hadn't had time to process properly during the attack. "Someone hired him, someone he hadn't worked with before. His first assassination."

"And I'm sure we're all glad to know it'll be his last attempt, too," the captain said. "What about the person who hired him?"

River concentrated, but had to shake her head in defeat. "Only touched the shooter's mind for a moment. I don't know who, only that it was an intermediary. The shooter didn't think he knew anything either."

"Was too much to hope for," the captain muttered.

"Did you pick up on anything else?" Inara asked.

"He didn't know about me," River said, with sudden, surprised realisation. "He had my photo, but he didn't know... what I'm capable of. He looked at me and saw a little girl. _Too bad_ , he thought."

Zoe made a thoughtful sound. "So either this really was a low-level hit, though I can't think of anyone low level who'd have reason to want River out of the way, or..."

"Or whoever arranged this took care to stay at arm's length and is still out there," the captain continued. "And wasn't so set on success that he'd give all the pertinent information to the ben tiansheng de yidui rou he hired."

"That supposed to be a comfort?" Jayne asked, frowning.

"More unsettling, I think," Inara said softly.

"Well, then," Mal said. "Since River kindly disposed of the shooter for us, I'd say our work here is done. And if there's someone out there still gunning for River, I think I'd be happier off this rock and heading somewhere else very fast."

"Shouldn't we try to find out who's pulling the strings?" Inara asked.

"The shooter was our connection, and he won't be telling us much at this stage," the captain said. "We don't know what we'd be blundering into. No. We run, we stay under the radar for a spell." He met River's eyes. "River, I ain't about to confine you to the ship, but I'm afraid you'll have me or Zoe or Jayne keeping you company on your next shopping trip." He kept going over Jayne's muttered, outraged protest. "Not that I don't trust you to handle what they might throw at you, but until we've got a better idea what's going on, I'll rest easier knowing you've got back-up. All right?"

River nodded her acceptance.

"Right, then," Mal said briskly. "River, once you've finished your tea, how about you start plotting a course for Whitefall for us. Don't mind it taking us a bit longer to get there, just find us a nice quiet route."

"I'll start now," River said, getting to her feet and taking her mug of tea with her.

Inara joined her on the bridge a few minutes later. "Can I help?"

River didn't need help, but knew that Inara was mainly offering to keep her company, and she appreciated that. "You could plot out this section, if you like?"

They worked together in companionable silence for several minutes before Inara asked quietly, "Are you all right, River?"

River paused in her calculations and looked up to meet Inara's gaze. "You're worried about me," she observed, surprised for some reason.

Inara quirked a smile. "After what happened yesterday, can you blame me?"

"Kaylee's the one who was hurt," River said quietly, bending back to her figures again. She still wasn't happy about that. Kaylee had been hurt too many times because of her.

"Yes," Inara agreed, "but someone tried to hurt you too, and you had to kill them. And you saw your friend get hurt. Those are all good reasons to worry about you too."

They would be, River supposed, if they were about someone other than her, but she tried to give Inara the answer she was looking for. "I was... upset yesterday." She couldn't entirely suppress a shiver at the memory of the storm, at the madness and chaos inside her head. 'Upset' was such a harmless sounding word. "But Zoe and the captain calmed me down, and I feel better now I've slept."

"I'm glad," Inara said, and the sincerity in her voice brought a faint smile to River's lips. "And I'm glad you weren't hurt."

The captain appeared on the bridge. "How are things looking?"

"The first section is done," River told him. "Can leave now if you want, finish the rest when we're in the black."

"Good," Mal said approvingly. "Take us up, then, darlin'."

* * *

"This is a wonderful birthday already," Kaylee sighed happily, snuggling closer into Simon's arms.

Simon couldn't help but grin. He'd been slightly scandalised when Kaylee had responded to his question of whether she had any special requests for her birthday with very explicit details on how she wanted him to wake her up, but he had to admit that he'd enjoyed it.

Kaylee had been able to move from the infirmary into his quarters down the hall the day after he'd operated on her leg. She was still spending most of her time either in bed or lying on the sofas in the communal area, but her strength was slowly returning and he was pleased with her progress.

He still couldn't believe how close he'd come to losing her again.

"Stop thinking about that," Kaylee said as his arms tightened around her. She placed a chastising kiss on his nose. "I'm fine. I'll be forcing you to dance with me in no time, you wait and see."

"Remind me to restrict you to bed rest for the foreseeable future," Simon said with mock horror.

"Oh, I'll remind you of _that_ whenever you like, Doctor," Kaylee purred, and leaned in for a kiss.

Simon thanked whatever deities might be listening once again that this woman was still in his arms, and then let it all go to concentrate on her.

"Do we have to get up?" Kaylee asked eventually.

"We do if you want your presents," Simon pointed out, and Kaylee brightened.

"C'mon, Simon, we can't just lie around in bed all day. Help me up."

The crew had plenty of presents for Kaylee, and she beamed at everyone, enjoying each and every one of them. It was as Simon was watching her exclaim over a pretty scarf that he slipped a hand into his pocket and became aware of a cool weight that he hadn't realised was there.

The ring.

He hadn't given it a thought, had forgotten it the moment he'd heard River's scream. He hadn't meant to keep hold of it as he'd run to her – he simply hadn't thought of it. And now here it was, still in his pocket.

He couldn't return it right now, of course; they were already five days out into space, but whenever they next returned to Harvest...

Kaylee laughed and Simon found his eyes drawn to her again.

_Why not?_ he found himself wondering. _Why wait?_

All the reasons he'd had – that it was too soon, that they were too young – suddenly seemed ridiculous in the face of Kaylee having been shot again. There really was no reason to wait after all.

He was aware of River's eyes widening as she looked at him from a few feet away. He met her gaze, still slightly shell-shocked by his revelation, and saw his surprise reflected back at him from her eyes. Then River smiled, warm and shining, more brilliantly than he'd seen from her in a while, and Simon felt his mind settle into certainty that this was the right thing to do.

He waited until he and Kaylee were alone – after the cake he and River had made together, after whatever magic Inara had done to pin up Kaylee's hair came undone again, leaving her even more beautiful than before. Back in his room – their room – he helped Kaylee to sit on the bed with her legs stretched out safely.

"I have one more present for you, actually," he said, starting to feel nervous for the first time since he'd decided he wanted to ask her this. "If you want it, that is. I mean –"

Kaylee laughed at him. "When have you ever known me to turn down presents, Simon?"

"This one's a bit different," Simon said, and got down awkwardly on one knee.

Kaylee's eyes widened dramatically, a hand flying up to cover her mouth. "Simon..."

"You don't have to say yes," Simon said, "because I know this is soon –"

"It sure is," Kaylee agreed faintly.

"Yes," Simon said. "And I kind of accidentally stole the ring – I'm going to pay for it whenever we next go back to Harvest, of course, it was an accident –"

Kaylee's eyes had grown even wider. "You _stole_ a ring for me? _You_? Mr Proper? Mr Appropriate? You _stole me a ring_?"

"Accidentally," Simon said hastily. "I'm sorry, I know that's –"

"That's the most romantic thing I've _ever heard_ ," Kaylee declared. "Coming from you, Simon, that's – a declaration. Do I get to see it?"

Simon blinked and took the ring out of his pocket. Kaylee caught her breath.

"I was going to buy it and wait for the right time," he tried to explain. "But then everything happened, and I realised... I realised I didn't want to wait. So." He swallowed. "Kaywinnet Lee Frye, would you consider doing me the honour of becoming my wife?"

"I have one condition," Kaylee said solemnly.

"What?" Simon asked nervously.

"You don't pay for the ring the next time we go back to Harvest," Kaylee said sternly, but a smile was spreading over her face. "I want to be able to say you stole my ring for me. That's my condition. What do you say?"

Simon blinked in confusion, but managed to say, "Yes?"

"Then yes," Kaylee declared, and then flung her arms around him and kissed him near senseless.

When they finally drew apart, Simon slid the ring carefully onto her finger. The fit was good enough, to his relief. "Did you really mean –"

"All of it," Kaylee said decisively, and pulled him into another kiss. "I meant every damn word, Simon Tam."

* * *

It was late at night when River came down from the bridge to find the captain sitting at the kitchen table, the pieces of a gun spread out in front of him.

"Hello, little albatross," he said, looking up. "We still flyin'?"

"Keeping her in the air," River said. She made tea for them both and brought it over to the table, curling up in a chair across from him.

"Thank you, darlin'," Mal said and took a swig from his mug. He nodded to the gun laid out in front of him. "You know anything about how to clean a gun?"

"Theoretical knowledge only," River admitted.

"Well, then," he said, and carefully moved the rag the parts were lying on until it was in front of her. "How about you try putting it into practice?"

Cleaning the gun was oddly peaceful. River was able to focus on it as she carefully wiped and brushed and polished. When she finished, she looked up and found Mal leaning back in his chair, a faint, odd smile on his face.

"Good job," he told her. "Go ahead and put it back together."

This River had done before, albeit not with this model. She'd been trained in this, how to snap a weapon apart or together within seconds, and her fingers twisted through the motions without her conscious mind needing to issue the orders. Mal didn't seem discomfited by her speed, though, simply nodding in approval and producing another gun. "Next one."

They worked through three guns, and then the captain shook his head when she went to pass the last one back to him. "No, darlin'. That one's yours, now."

River stared at him. "No touching guns."

Mal's mouth twitched ruefully. "Just let you spend the last hour touching them, River. That was a long time ago. You've proved you know what you're doing with one since then." He nodded to her. "Thought it was only right for you to have a weapon of your own. You've been coming on jobs, protecting Kaylee – it's time."

River blinked and looked down at the gun, adjusting her grip to hold it properly, feeling the weight of it in her hand.

"Ain't the fanciest gun out there," the captain said, watching her, "but it's reliable. You take care of it, and it won't jam on you or leave you hanging at the wrong moment. It's got its quirks, but I reckon you'll suit each other just fine."

It was still difficult holding a gun in her hands, too many painful memories, but the weight of it and the solid reassurance of Mal's mind grounded her as she traced the lines of it with her fingertips. "Thank you," she said, barely able to look up and meet his eyes, because this, this was as solid an expression of trust as allowing her to fly his ship. More so, perhaps, because he'd seen what she could do with a weapon, knew how broken she could be, and still trusted her enough to give her one.

The captain passed her a holster and she slipped the gun into it, out of sight if not out of mind, enough for one night.

"Reckon Zoe might have a belt or something you can put it on," the captain said. "We'll pick something up on Whitefall if not."

The moon's name triggered a memory in his mind, and River tilted her head. "She shot you."

Mal gave a rueful chuckle. "That she did. Though she only grazed me last time. Guess you could call that progress."

"Do you think she'll shoot you this time?" River asked, unconsciously tracing the leather of the holster on the table in front of her.

"Patience ain't a woman to be trusted, that's for sure," the captain said, reaching for his mug and taking a sip. "But she wants this cargo, and she ain't likely to hold a grudge from the last time. Not saying it's gonna go smooth, but shouldn't be nothing we can't handle. No, Patience ain't a worry that's preying on my mind."

She saw the echo of what was, and pulled her knees up, pressed between the table edge and her chest. "The shooter."

A pause, but Mal had always been better at following her than most, long before he'd ever admitted it. "Not something I'm happy about, sure enough. And that symbol a few weeks back... not sure I believe it was unrelated. Either way, I'll breathe easier knowing you're armed and not having to rely on grabbing a gun from a passer-by," he said with a nod to the holster in front of her.

"You think they'll try again," River said quietly.

"Do you?" Mal asked her directly.

River looked at him, then through him and into her mind, seeking the connections she hadn't been able to piece together before.

_She's in his mind, and it's only a moment, but it's enough. He doesn't know it means his death, doesn't know she's carrying the bullet meant for him now. He's looking at her photo, and thinking **too bad**..._

_Too bad... The photo isn't recent, but it isn't old, either. It's not the standard photo they issued for her arrest warrant..._

_... **Mission** , the symbol on the wall had said..._

_...She's staring up at him from the photo, but doesn't see him, frozen in time, frozen in a moment when she'd –_

_– when she'd completed a mission._

"River," Mal said quietly, and when she blinked back to herself he was leaning forward, a hand covering hers on the table, warm against the cold of her skin.

"My photo," she said, and had to swallow around everything that going so deep into her own mind had called forth. "I –" She broke off and looked down, laughing a little at herself, trying to stop shaking. "It's not safe inside my mind."

The captain's hand tightened over hers. "I'll wager that's the truth. Take a deep breath, River. Ain't no rush."

River took his advice, breathing deeply, staring at his hand over hers instead of closing her eyes, not wanting to know what might lurk behind her eyelids. "The photo he had of me. The shooter. It wasn't the usual one."

"The usual one being the one from your arrest warrants," the captain clarified.

"Yes," River said. "They had that one at the hospital on Ariel. Jubal Early had it too. They always have that one. But the shooter had a different one. One from the Academy."

The photo on the arrest warrants had been an official one, taken for her last ident card before Simon had rescued her. It had been taken while she was at the Academy, but there was nothing much about it to show what had been done to her, unless you looked at her eyes. The photo from the Academy that the shooter had had – it wasn't incriminating, nothing like that, but she was gazing furiously at the camera. She remembered that test.

That mission.

"So we're talking Alliance," Mal said, and she could hear the resignation in his mind. He'd never really believed it could be anything else. "Another Operative? Don't really seem like the same way of doing things."

"No," River agreed dully. "Would have killed me by now if it was. Hasn't been trying hard enough." She shook her head in an attempt to clear it. "Someone associated with the Academy. Or – it could be the Parliament again, the photo was taken after a – a demonstration for them."

The captain's hand tightened on hers, but he didn't ask, simply said, "Well, we'll have to be on our guard. Stay under the radar, not land anywhere too long – ain't no way they can always know where we're heading next or get ahead of us. We keep moving, they won't catch up with us again. Nothing new for this ship."

River nodded, accepting his reassurance as best she could.

The captain took his hand away to top up her mug of tea, and River wrapped her hands around it, letting the warmth soak into her.

"And how are you feeling about your brother and Kaylee getting engaged?" Mal asked her. A transparent attempt to change the subject, but River took it gratefully.

"Happy," she said, a smile tugging at her lips in spite of everything. "She's good for him. And they make each other happy."

"They do seem to, at that," the captain agreed.

"You don't really mind," River said, feeling her smile grow mischievous as she looked at him.

Mal had been putting on a disapproving act since he'd been told. Kaylee had known better than to take him seriously, kissing Mal's cheek and laughing at him, but Simon had gone around looking hunted for the past week. River suspected that had been the point.

"Shipboard romances ain't the smartest idea," the captain said, "and getting married ain't something to rush into. But no, I don't really mind." He smirked at her. "Don't tell your brother I said that, though."

"I won't," River said, smiling into her mug. "Funny watching him try to avoid you."

"That it is," Mal agreed, chuckling. He got to his feet. "You think you can sleep, or are you gonna be up pacing the ship all night?"

River considered the question seriously. Remembering the photo had worn her out, and she was tired in a way she hadn't been beforehand. "Sleep, I think," she said, a little uncertainly.

"Good," the captain said. "Gonna need you sharp tomorrow, if we're gonna outwit whatever Patience decides to aim our way."

"No bullets this time," River promised, and stood up, lifting the gun – her gun – and following him towards the crew quarters.

"Sleep well, River," the captain told her, and waited for her to start down the stairs to her bunk before he continued on towards Inara's shuttle.

River went into her quarters and shut the hatch again. She placed the gun carefully on the set of mostly empty shelves opposite the bed and stared at it.

_It's just a symbol. It doesn't mean what you think._

For so long, guns had been a symbol of death to her. The things she'd seen, the things she'd done... The guards who'd carried them, the soldiers who'd taught her how to wield them... Laurie, who'd grabbed one from a guard's hand one day and blown her own brains out before anyone could stop her, scattering all the precious brain cells they'd operated on to make her what she'd become, and River had screamed and screamed across the other side of the Academy building and hadn't stopped until they'd stuck a needle in her –

_Take a deep breath, River. Ain't no rush._

River breathed deep, let the chaos that had threatened to rush over her settle back into the deeper recesses of her mind again. _Don't think about it. Don't cut yourself on the knives. Remember to forget._

This gun didn't symbolise death or fear, she reminded herself. This gun symbolised Mal's trust in her, and that was a symbol worth having.

She lay down, creeping under her blankets, and watched the gun on the shelf until sleep overtook her.

* * *

Simon hadn't given too much thought to Whitefall, or to the fact that the crew was meant to be delivering the cargo from Harvest to Patience. He'd heard about the unpleasantness the last time they'd landed there, of course, but at the time he'd been more preoccupied with River and the Alliance mole and the Reavers, so he hadn't paid much attention.

This time he'd been preoccupied with Kaylee, and hadn't realised that maybe he'd been _too_ preoccupied until he walked into the kitchen and found Zoe adjusting a belt around River's waist.

A belt with a gun holster on it.

"– prefer a shoulder holster?" Zoe was asking, tugging on the belt to make sure it was secure.

"No, this is better," River said, but she was already looking up to meet Simon's eyes. "Simon, don't."

"Don't what?" Simon said, hearing his own voice tight with anger. "Don't object to them making you carry a gun?"

Zoe straightened and turned to look at him, but River spoke before she could. "No one's making me. Wouldn't if they tried. It's my choice, Simon. My turn."

"Better that she be armed and have a weapon to hand if she needs it than have to try to get hold of one from someone else if anything goes wrong on the job," Zoe said calmly. "And River's surely proved she's capable."

Simon shook his head, wordless for a moment in the face of how terribly wrong it was. River – his brilliant, beautiful little sister, who loved to dance – River, with a gun strapped to her waist because she was being dragged into a situation where she might need to shoot people to defend herself.

River's eyes had filled with tears, and it burned Simon to see them. "Can't be that River for you any more," she said, and he could hear the tears in her voice, too. "They cut her apart, and when she put herself back together the pieces fit differently. I'm a River who knows how to shoot a gun, Simon, who knows it just as well as she used to know her ballet positions, and you need to understand that –"

"I don't want that for you," Simon whispered, hating himself for making her cry, hating the situation, hating that damn gun resting against her hip. "I want better than that for you, mei-mei."

"But it's who I am," River said, and closed her eyes, swallowing. He could see her pulling herself together, and when she opened her eyes a moment later she had stopped crying; she looked tired and resigned. "I still love to dance. I'm still River. But I'm not that little girl any more, Simon. You need to see the River I am now." She slipped out of the room before he could swallow around his grief enough to respond.

"She's capable, Simon," Zoe said quietly. "The captain wouldn't let her go on this job if he wasn't sure she could handle it. Nor would I."

Simon shook his head. "I just – it's not something she should need to be able to handle. I don't want that for her. I wish they hadn't – she should never have had to..."

"Sit down," Zoe said firmly, and brought him a mug of tea, joining him at the table when he obeyed blankly. "River's the person she is, Simon. I ain't saying everything she's been through hasn't changed her, but no one stays the same their whole lives. Don't get so hung up on the person she used to be, or the person she might have become, that you miss out on the person she is and the person she's becoming."

Simon shook his head again, though not in disagreement. "I know that. I don't mean to try to... it's just –"

Zoe waited patiently, and after a moment, Simon admitted, "I've been trying to help her get better. I thought I could do that. I thought she'd recover."

"She is," Zoe reminded him. "Remember the way she was when you first brought her on board? She's already better, and recovering more all the time. But recovering don't mean forgetting. Don't mean making something never have happened. She could never touch a gun again for the rest of her life, but she'd still know how to shoot one. If she can face up to that and turn it into something useful, something she can use to defend her and hers – isn't that a good thing?"

Simon took a deep breath. "Maybe you're right," he admitted eventually. All along, when he'd thought about River recovering, he'd pictured her returning to the way she'd been before the Academy. And in some ways she had – she'd recovered her sense of humour, her bratty instinct for teasing him, her love of dancing. In other ways, though, she was still very different to the girl she'd been before, and he'd always seen the differences as a sign of trauma. But maybe Zoe was right. Perhaps River had been recovering and he just hadn't recognised it for what it was.

He looked up suddenly. "I should go talk to her before they –"

Inara came in as he was speaking, though, glamorous in gold today. "They just left, Simon. Mal said they shouldn't be gone too long, though."

Simon stopped himself from cursing, because neither Inara nor Zoe deserved that. He pulled his mug closer and took another drink instead.

"It'll be okay," Zoe assured him. "They'll be back in a few hours at most, and River'll be just fine, you'll see."

"I hope you're right," Simon muttered.

It was close to three hours later before the mule arrived back, and Simon didn't relax until he saw River sitting unharmed on the passenger side. She looked up as he approached, almost wary, and Simon couldn't stand that, couldn't stand the idea of his sister being wary of him. But something in his expression or his mind must have reached her, because she relaxed and gave him a small smile as she took the captain's hand and dropped down lightly from the mule.

"Are you okay?" Simon asked, unable to restrain himself from that, at least.

"I'm fine, Simon," River said. "No bugs to swallow this time." Her smile was tentative, but it grew stronger when he chuckled.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I was being a boob, wasn't I."

River was the one to laugh this time, and she hugged him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Always," she whispered in his ear, and drew back. Her smile was mischievous now. "But I'm used to it."

"You are such a brat," Simon told her, tugging her hair in reprimand, relief coursing through him.

* * *

It had been another long, hard day of crime – and it said something about Simon's life that he didn't even blink at that any more – but they'd made it off-world richer, and now he was curled up in bed with Kaylee, whose kisses were growing increasingly heated. All in all, Simon thought, the evening was looking up.

Of course, that was when the door was abruptly wrenched open.

"River!" Simon exclaimed, yanking the blankets up to cover him and Kaylee. "What –"

"Zoe," River said, her hair wild around her as if she'd just run right across the ship. "The baby, come _on_ , Simon –"

When Simon reached Zoe's bunk, the entire crew was gathered outside, even Jayne. Simon pushed his way through and let himself down. Zoe was pacing her room, a hand pressed to her bump, not quite her usual calm self.

It didn't take Simon long to confirm how far along she was, and after a quick discussion they agreed to move to the infirmary.

The captain looked somewhat horrified when he realised Zoe was climbing the stairs from her bunk, but he took her hands and helped her up the last stage. Simon couldn't suppress a grin. He remembered Mal's near-panic when the girl had gone into labour at the Heart of Gold, which had been the most entertaining thing about that whole trip.

"Should I be... boiling water?" the captain asked, almost desperately. "I could –"

Inara patted him on the arm. "I think Simon can handle this, Mal. Why don't we all just go and have some tea while he and Zoe do the hard work this time?"

"Please do, sir," Zoe said with a smile at the captain. "I've got this one."

"Right," Mal said, and let Inara draw him away towards the kitchen. "Right, well, you let me know if you need anything, and... yes."

Simon didn't bother to swallow his amused laugh as he walked with Zoe towards the infirmary, River on her other side.

It wasn't too long a labour, for a first child. River flitted between the infirmary and the kitchen for the first six hours, bringing back entertaining tales of what Mal was currently doing in his panic, and Inara and Kaylee came to visit Zoe every hour or so.

"I would stay," Inara said wryly, holding Zoe's hand, "but I think Mal may actually need me more than you do right now."

Zoe laughed at that, a little breathlessly. "I imagine you're probably right, at that."

River slipped back into the room from one of her regular visits to the kitchen shortly after Inara left, and pressed something into Zoe's hand. Simon tilted his head, and realised it was one of the dinosaur figures from the bridge.

Zoe shut her eyes and closed her fist tight around it, then opened her eyes again and managed a smile. "Thank you, River."

"I'll hold your other hand," River declared seriously, and didn't move from Zoe's side again.

Shortly before the ship's morning, the baby was born, and Simon carefully cleaned him up and passed him to Zoe. "It's a boy."

River was beaming wide-eyed at the baby, and Zoe was wearing a softer version of the same expression, gazing at the baby resting on her chest. "Hey, baby."

"Little mind, big world," River whispered. "All new, all bright."

"Would you mind getting the others for me, River?" Zoe asked without looking away from the baby. "Better put the captain out of his misery. And I have someone to introduce to everyone."

Simon smiled at her after River had danced out of the room. "How are you feeling? Let me help you clean up a bit before they all come in here."

"Exhausted," Zoe admitted, "but I feel all right, Doctor."

He could see the faint twist to her mouth, and suspected she was thinking of Wash. Simon couldn't blame her. He wasn't about to make her talk about it if she didn't want to, though, so he simply helped to clean her up, and found a blanket to wrap the baby in.

"Thank you," Zoe added unexpectedly. "I appreciate everything, Simon."

"You're more than welcome," Simon told her honestly.

The others arrived, filtering through the door. The captain looked fairly dumbfounded as he took in the sight of Zoe and the baby. "Well, now. There's a thing."

Zoe smiled. "Everyone, I'd like you to meet the newest member of the crew. This is Wash's and my son, Sying."


	3. Chapter 3

Inara sat on the bridge and tried not to worry.

It was ridiculous to worry about Mal, she knew. The man had been getting himself into foolish situations for as long as she'd known him, and probably long before that. And if there was one thing she'd learned about him since coming aboard Serenity, it was not to underestimate him. He gave the impression of being reckless, and he could be, but it was a calculated kind of recklessness, and combined with his infernal stubbornness he came through more often than the odds would suggest.

Nonetheless, despite how much he'd played down the danger of this particular job, Inara found herself preferring to wait not in her shuttle but on the bridge, where she had the feeling of him all around her. Her shuttle was her refuge, for all that Mal was allowed to enter whenever he wanted now, for all that he'd slept there more often than in his quarters this past year. Serenity, though... Serenity was Mal's, through and through, and Inara loved the ship like she loved him, marvelling at the flashes of steel and reliability beneath the disreputable surface.

Zoe came onto the bridge, Sying in her arms, and Inara smiled at them. "No news is good news, right?"

Zoe chuckled and settled into the co-pilot's chair. "A lack of distress calls is always a good sign. But you don't need to worry. The plan was simple enough. Even the captain will struggle to find a way for it all to go wrong this time."

Inara smiled, amused. "Sometimes I don't think you have a very high regard for his plans."

Zoe smiled without confirming or denying it. "Most times things work themselves out. And he's got Jayne and River there for back-up. They'll be fine."

Inara decided to take her word for it and changed the subject, nodding to Sying. "Are you getting any more sleep yet?"

Zoe looked down at Sying ruefully. "You'd think after three months it would be getting better, wouldn't you?"

Mal had been spending more nights in her shuttle than his own quarters since they'd got together, but it hadn't escaped Inara's notice that he hadn't spent even a single night in the crew quarters since Sying's birth.

"Maybe he just likes to talk," Inara said with a smile. "Inherited from his father."

She glanced at Zoe out of the corner of her eye as she said it to see if she'd overstepped her bounds, but Zoe just gave a small smile.

"Could be, at that." She looked down at Sying again. "River takes him for me sometimes – she's usually awake anyway – so I'm getting a bit more sleep."

"The rest of us are happy to help out too," Inara said, with a sudden pang of conscience. They all pitched in to help during the day – Kaylee especially – but at night she and Mal were out of the way in her shuttle, Kaylee and Simon were across the ship in the doctor's quarters, and Jayne – well. Jayne could sleep through a bounty hunter taking over the ship, and Inara wasn't sure she'd want to trust the baby to him anyway. "Well, possibly not Jayne, but the rest of us –"

Zoe laughed. "Entertaining though the idea of Jayne with a baby in his arms is, it's fine. He's got to start sleeping more soon, anyway."

Inara looked up suddenly, hearing a faint noise, and was relieved to see the mule making its way back towards the ship. "There they are."

"Let's go make sure they didn't find a way to get themselves shot," Zoe said cheerfully.

They hadn't, to Inara's relief. Mal gave her a grin as she came down the stairs with Zoe, then leaned in for a kiss. "Everything all right with my ship?"

"Kaylee's been busy with something in the engine room," Zoe said. "Heard some banging coming from that direction, sir."

"Banging," the captain said, looking up reflexively. "Maybe I'd better go check what that was all about, then." He paused. "The doctor wasn't in there with her, was he?"

"Not to my knowledge, sir," Zoe said, poker-faced, and Inara laughed at the martyred expression on Mal's face.

"Perhaps you'll accompany me, then, my lady," Mal said, turning to Inara with a flourish, and she took his arm, smiling at the cautious expression on his face as they made their way back towards the engine room.

There was indeed banging coming from inside, but not the kind Inara would have expected if Simon had been in there with Kaylee, and Mal's expression melted into exaggerated relief.

"What's the news, Kaylee?" he asked, stopping in the doorway, shifting to hold Inara's hand instead of her arm.

Kaylee appeared from behind the engine, grease smeared across her face and hands. "News is I don't think we should try taking off anytime today, Cap'n."

Inara saw Mal's eyebrows rise. "Ain't what I was hoping to hear, Kaylee."

"Ain't what I was hoping to have to tell you," Kaylee said, as flatly as she ever got. "But I was checking up on the compression coil, and I really need some time with Serenity on the ground to make sure nothing ain't gonna fall apart on us somewhere out in the black. Way we've been flying the past few months, I've just been trying to keep her running, but really she needs a proper overhaul."

"How long?" Mal asked.

"Long as you can give me," Kaylee said. "Bare minimum – the rest of today. I'll work through and get her running again. But ideally – two days, maybe three."

" _Two days_?" Mal repeated. "Kaylee..."

"Maybe three," Kaylee said. "We ain't got much by way of spare parts, and ain't likely to get none on this backwater moon. You say we need to get out of the world by tonight, I'll get her flying, but Serenity's going to need a proper check-over sooner rather than later, Cap'n, and the later we leave it, the longer it'll take. And the more chance of us being left drifting in the meantime."

Mal paused for a moment, then nodded. "All right, Kaylee. You've got your two days. You draft in what help you need from the rest of the crew, dong ma? And I want this place looking ship-shape and ready for take-off by the morning of day three."

Kaylee beamed and ducked up to peck his cheek. "Thank you, Cap'n!"

"I didn't think you were going to give her that long," Inara admitted quietly as they headed towards the kitchen.

Mal sighed. "Thing about Kaylee is, she's a genius with machinery. She can keep Serenity flying when she should be grounded. So you've gotta judge – when she says something needs doing, does she mean a normal mechanic would need the time or spare parts, or does she mean she needs them? I'll push it closer to the edge with Kaylee in that engine room than I ever would with any other mechanic. But you've also got to know when to listen to her and give her what she needs." He brushed a kiss over Inara's knuckles and then dropped her hand to head over to the intercom. "'Sides, Aberdeen's a real backwater of a moon. If there's anywhere safe to spend a few days, it's most likely here."

'Safe' caught Inara's attention – she'd known that Mal had been concerned ever since Kaylee had been shot on Harvest, but that had been months ago, and she hadn't realised that his stubborn habit of never spending more than a day or two anywhere was still connected with that. Before she could ask anything, though, Mal was calling the crew together, and Inara busied herself making tea for everyone.

"There's been a change of plan," Mal told everyone once they'd all gathered. "Kaylee here says Serenity needs a proper check-over, and this seems like a nice quiet place to do it. So we're not leaving right away after all. We'll be here for the next couple of days, so anyone who wants to spend some time in the village is welcome to do so. That said, the work on the ship takes priority. If Kaylee needs help, she gets it. That clear?"

No one raised any objections, so Mal continued. "The job today went down quietly, so there shouldn't be no trouble coming our way from that direction. Try not to find any trouble if you do go into town, just for a change. Kaylee, you got any idea yet what help you're gonna be needing?"

"Most of it I'll need to do myself," Kaylee said. "But someone to help with cleaning parts and the like for a few hours each day would be helpful."

"Right," Mal said. "We'll figure out a schedule. In the meantime, Jayne, I want you and River to store the mule away before you head into town. Zoe, assess the food situation, see what we need to pick up in town, assuming we can find anything. Everyone else, you're free to go."

The crew scattered, though Mal said, "River," quietly and she hung back as the others left.

"You be careful if you're off the ship," Mal told her – not warning, but concerned, Inara realised. "Wasn't planning on staying on Aberdeen so long, but we're well off the grid here. Even so, anything happens to make you worried, you let me know, dong ma?"

"I'll listen hard," River promised solemnly, and darted lightly out of the room towards the cargo bay to help Jayne.

* * *

It was getting dark by the time Inara and Mal walked into the village, hand in hand. Inara took in the scene around her with interest. It wasn't a glamorous little town by any stretch of the imagination, but the twilight softened its edges and made it pleasant to walk through.

"Not so bad a place to spend a few days," she said aloud.

Mal slanted her a glance. "Wouldn't have thought it would be up to your standards, Ambassador." But his voice was teasing, not hurtful, and Inara smiled.

"I don't imagine I'll be finding any work here, but the past year has lowered my standards, Captain. It's a novel change of pace just to feel ground under my feet, these days," she responded in kind.

Another time, Mal might have bristled – they still fought, if not quite as painfully or frequently as they used to – but he smiled back instead. "Well, that much entertainment I can safely promise you for the next few days."

"And a bit more than that, I hope," Inara said, looking at him from beneath her eyelashes.

"Maybe so," Mal said, flushing faintly.

They reached the wide central square of the village, and Inara took in with interest the sight of a small bonfire being assembled in the middle, townspeople starting to gather and find seats on logs and stones and the ground. "A gathering of some kind?"

"Looks like it," Mal agreed. He nodded to the people pulling out instruments on the far side of the square. "Music, maybe."

"We should go back and tell Kaylee, she won't want to miss it," Inara said.

"Kaylee's got plenty of work to be getting through," Mal said.

Inara looked at him sternly. "Mal."

"Well, she has," Mal said stubbornly.

"You don't honestly expect her to work twenty-four hours a day for the next few days," Inara said.

Mal sighed, relenting. "No, I suppose not. And one of the others would tell her and then she'd mope at me for weeks. Fine, we'll go back and turn her loose if she wants to go."

"If nothing else, it should be worth it for the entertainment you'll get from watching her drag Simon up to dance," Inara offered, as they started back towards the ship.

Mal laughed. "You could be right, at that."

Kaylee was, as Inara had predicted, thrilled to have official approval from the captain to leave the ship, and she flew around cleaning herself up and getting changed. Inara laughingly helped her with her hair, pulling it up and back out of her face, securing it with a pin.

"Has anyone seen River?" Simon asked as the four of them were about to set off again. "If there's music, she wouldn't want to miss it."

"She helped me in the engine room for a while this afternoon," Kaylee said. "Haven't seen her in a few hours, though."

Simon looked anxious, but Kaylee tugged on his arm. "C'mon, Simon. She might already be there."

Inara was relieved when they got back to the square and found that River was indeed already there, sitting on a log with Jayne and Zoe, who had Sying in her arms. The musicians were still warming up, and the square was full now, the entire town apparently gathered.

"Well, this looks cosy," Mal said, pausing in front of them. "Where'd you find something to drink, Jayne?"

Jayne gestured with his mug and Mal ventured off through the crowd in that direction.

Inara sat down next to River. "Are you enjoying yourself, mei-mei?"

River was looking around the square eagerly. "They're happy," she said, and Inara wasn't sure if it was an answer or not. "They work all day and come together in the evenings to dance and sing and keep the dark at bay." She met Inara's gaze, finally, and smiled at her brightly. "Will you dance with me, later?"

"It would be a pleasure," Inara assured her. "And you can put that genius mind of yours to work figuring out how I can get Mal up to dance, too."

"Deal," River agreed solemnly, and turned her eyes back to the crowd around the bonfire.

The music struck up before Mal returned, and River darted up immediately. Inara watched her watching the dancers for a moment, mouth working silently as she analysed the steps, and then she stepped forward and was whirled up into the flow, falling into step as easily as if she'd been dancing this dance every evening all her life.

Inara took in Simon's smile, and guessed this was a glimpse of the girl River had been before everything had happened.

Mal returned and sat down in the space River had vacated. He passed her a mug. "Don't have a whole lot of selection in their drink, I'll warn you. But I'm sure Jayne'll drink it if it's not to your liking."

Inara took a cautious sip and kept her face straight with the control of many, many years of Companion training. "A unique flavour. Thank you."

Mal stared at her for a moment, clearly unsure whether she was having a joke at his expense or not, then took a sip of his own drink and almost choked on it. Inara smiled serenely.

It was very far from some of the grander parties she'd attended over the years, but Inara enjoyed herself, Mal's arm around her shoulders as she hummed along with the music. There was an energy to the gathering that tugged at her and made her want to dance.

She kept an eye on River, who was whirling from partner to partner, group to group, smiling herself at the smile on the girl's face. River could feel what she felt, Inara could tell, the beat of the rhythm and the tug of the atmosphere. Inara was glad she was out there living it and dancing it.

They'd been at the square for a couple of hours when Inara grew uneasy. Jayne was well on his way to being drunk, and Mal was a long way from sober, if not as drunk as Jayne. Zoe and Inara had been exchanging meaningful looks and half-voiced jokes at their expense with increasing regularity, and they'd all been laughing at the expression of awkward terror on Simon's face when Kaylee had dragged him up to dance.

River was dancing with a young man, a few years older than her, Inara guessed. His age wasn't what concerned her, however. It was the way he was touching her – not so much that his hands were anywhere improper, but the possessiveness in the way he was holding her was clear to Inara. River was resting her head on his shoulder, her eyes closed, and she looked almost – dizzy, perhaps. Not quite aware, Inara decided, whatever the cause.

She considered alerting Simon, but quickly discarded that idea – she didn't want a fuss when she wasn't sure there was a reason. Which ruled Mal out, too. Mal had many worthy qualities, but subtlety wasn't among them.

Well, Inara thought, this was her territory, after all. She passed her mug to Mal and stood up, dropping a quick kiss on his lips when he looked up at her in surprise. "I'm going to join the dancing for a while."

She moved off before he could recover enough to figure out whether he was supposed to be asking her to dance, and made her way through the crowd towards River and her dance partner, now closer to the shadows on the edge of the square than Inara was happy with. River had lifted her head off the boy's shoulder, but her head was tilted up as if she was looking at the sky.

"Forgive me," Inara said, placing a hand on River's shoulder. "But you promised me a dance, River."

River tilted her head to look at her, and her face cleared somewhat, as if she was shaking something off. "Inara," she said softly, and smiled. She glanced back at her dance partner, who looked as though he wanted to object. "Excuse me," she said politely, and turned to step into a waltz hold with Inara instead.

Inara guided them away from the boy and away from the shadows, closer to the bonfire. "Are you all right, River?"

River's steps hadn't faltered, still perfectly in time with the music, but her eyes were far more aware now than they had been when Inara had approached her. "You were worried," River said. Then, as if clarifying, "Not drugged. Just..."

She trailed off, and Inara let her gather her thoughts, guiding her gently through the steps of the dance.

"He... desired me," River said finally, as if still exploring the idea for herself. "I could feel it in his mind. He thought I was beautiful, and it made me feel beautiful."

Inara nodded slowly, and wondered for the first time how hard it must be for a psychic in situations like this. "Did you desire him too?"

River blinked at her, and gave the question enough consideration to convince Inara that the answer was no. "I did while I was dancing with him. But I think – I think it was... contagious."

"If you're not sure," Inara said, "then you're probably best not acting on it."

"It's hard to tell, sometimes," River said with a sigh. "People are very complicated."

"That they are," Inara agreed with a laugh, and whirled River into a spin. "Why don't you come visit me in my shuttle tomorrow, and we can talk about it some more?"

River gave her a shy smile as the song came to an end. "Thank you," she said, then curtsied deeply as the musicians launched into the next piece. "Would you do me the honour of another dance, my lady?"

"It would be my pleasure, my lady," Inara replied, curtsying in return.

River took the lead this time, and Inara was surprised and delighted to recognise the dance – an old one, traditionally danced by two women, that she'd learned during her Companion training but had never had an opportunity to dance since. She fell into the complex steps easily, appreciating River's ear for the rhythm – the other dancers were performing some entirely different dance, and the music was entirely different to that which had played back at the training house on Sihnon, but the rhythm was the same.

They whirled through the dance together, ignoring the crowd around them to focus only on the way their steps carried them around each other, an old, forgotten dance infused with new life in the firelight.

"You do me great honour, sister," Inara said, curtseying as the dance came to an end.

River curtsied in unison with her. "And you me, sister." Her smile was brighter than the bonfire.

"Wherever did you learn that dance?" Inara asked, still unable to rein in her smile. She hadn't even known it was still taught at all. She and Nandi had danced it together once, long ago, before Nandi had left.

"I learned as many dances as I could," River said. "I love to dance." Her smile turned mischievous. "And now I've held up my part of our bargain, too."

Inara frowned slightly in confusion, which cleared as a voice said behind her, "Well, that right there was a sight for sore eyes."

Inara shared an amused smile with River and turned to face Mal, who was looking at her appreciatively.

"May I have this dance, Inara?" he asked formally, holding out his hand.

Inara stepped forward into his arms as River laughed. "I'll expect you to dance with me tomorrow night, Captain."

"As many dances as you want, little albatross," Mal promised – rashly, in Inara's view, but she would let him figure that out for himself tomorrow. He led them into a simple waltz, and Inara watched over his shoulder as River went and claimed a dance from her brother.

"Everything okay?" Mal asked.

Inara allowed herself the luxury of resting her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes for a moment, trusting him to lead. "Everything's fine."

* * *

"I enjoyed dancing with you last night," Inara said, passing River a cup of tea. "I haven't had a chance to participate in that particular dance since my training."

River smiled. "I'd never had a chance to dance it before. I was lucky you know so many dances. Simon only knows the ones I taught him."

Inara laughed. "Well, it was a pleasure. We'll have to dance together more often." She sobered. "Have you thought any more about your other dance partner last night?"

River flushed slightly, lowering her head to stare at her tea cup. "You were right. Let myself get caught up."

"Getting caught up isn't always a bad thing," Inara said. "But I imagine that, with your ability, it's probably harder to keep track of how you feel yourself when the people around you feel very strongly?"

River nodded silently.

"Sex isn't anything to be ashamed about, River," Inara said, as reassuringly as she could. "You're old enough, and... stable enough now to make your own decisions. I just want you to be sure they are your own decisions, that's all."

"It's difficult to explain," River said quietly, after a moment of thought.

"I have plenty of time," Inara offered. "Take your time, mei-mei."

River smiled at her for that, then let it slip away, frowning in concentration. "They see me as someone else," she said finally. "They look at me, and they desire me, but it's not me that they see. They think I'm beautiful, but they don't see the chaos in my mind sometimes. They think I'm sweet, but they don't know how many ways I can kill them without a weapon. They think they want to take me to bed, but all they see is a shadow." She looked up at Inara. "How do you cope with it?"

"Oh, sweetheart," Inara said, feeling a wave of sympathy for the girl – _No, not girl_ , she corrected herself, _she's a young woman now, you just weren't looking properly either_. "Most people aren't as conscious of it, unless the person they're with says something out loud to make them aware of it, and most people don't."

"But Companions are aware of it," River said.

"We are," Inara agreed and sighed. This was something that students at the training house were taught early, far younger than River, and she wondered whether the training she'd received might have helped River, too. "We're taught that other people see a version of ourselves. That version can contain more or less of our true selves, depending on the person and the Companion." She paused, searching for the words. "It depends on the situation. Sometimes it can be freeing, even empowering, stepping into the role they see. Sometimes it's necessary to correct their impression. Sometimes they can show you a side of you that you weren't fully aware of, and you learn more about yourself through their eyes. What's important is never to let them define you. Only you should ever do that." She smiled. "It's easier when the person you're with is someone you know better, because they see a more truthful version of you."

River nodded thoughtfully. "I think I might enjoy sex."

Inara was surprised into a laugh. "I hope so. It should be enjoyable." She smiled at River. "Just – whoever you choose, be sure you choose them because you want them, and not just because they want you. That's harder for you than most people, but probably also more important, since you'll hear everything your partner thinks."

River nodded again, then slanted a glance up at Inara. "I'm not going to have sex with Jayne just so I can have sex with someone who knows me."

Inara came within a hair's breadth of choking on her tea. "No," she agreed fervently. "Definitely not what I was suggesting."

"Thank you," River said formally, setting down her cup and getting to her feet. She paused. "You miss it, don't you?"

"Miss what, mei-mei?" Inara asked, still distracted by the thought of River getting mixed up with Jayne. It would be a toss-up as to whether Simon or Mal would kill her first if they decided she'd put that idea into River's head.

"Sex," River said, then corrected herself. "Not the sex, not just the sex, the – the rest of it. All of it. Being a Companion, helping people, showing them a side of themselves they weren't fully aware of. Helping them to find ways of defining themselves. Making people feel beautiful."

Inara closed her mouth. She'd almost forgotten how uncanny River could be, sometimes, when she saw things you hadn't fully admitted even to yourself.

"I do," she admitted. "I love my work."

River nodded, and Inara thought she was about to say something more, but instead she just smiled and slipped out of the shuttle.

Inara tidied away the tea cups, her mind turning over her own advice. _Never allow anyone else to define who you are_.

* * *

River danced with Inara first the next night, three old, obscure dances that no one else there would have known, finding beauty in their resurrection. She had been worried that she might have said too much to Inara, might have forced the Companion to confront something in her own mind before she was ready to do so, but Inara smiled at her, her mind warm and admiring as they danced, and River was reassured.

Inara pulled Zoe up to dance after that, Sying left safely in Kaylee's arms, and River forced the captain to keep his promise and dance with her.

"I ain't as graceful a dancer as Inara, I'll warn you," he told her, but his hand came to rest on her waist nonetheless.

"Not all dances are about being graceful," River told him solemnly.

"No?" the captain asked.

"No," River confirmed, and smiled up at him. "You don't have to feel awkward. You can't stand on my toes. I know how you'll move before you do. Just dance, Captain. I'll follow you."

Mal stared at her for a moment, then said, with a note of discovery in his voice, "Huh." And whirled her into a spin.

River went with it, laughing with delight. The captain grinned at her, looking suddenly free and less awkward, and dipped her over his arm before spinning with her deeper into the crowd.

River danced, letting her feet take her where his weren't, moving with him before he knew himself where he was going, letting them both sink into the naturalness of it. He spun her around again, and River threw back her head and laughed, her hair whipping out behind her.

She saw the shape of the thought in his mind, only half-conscious, _she's a shooting-star girl_ , and rewarded him with her happiest smile. She loved Mal's mind and the way he saw her.

They danced together for three songs before River relinquished him to Inara's arms and allowed herself to get swept into the rest of the crowd instead.

She loved the energy of the crowd around her, buoying her up. It could be dangerous, she knew, like riding white-water rapids, easy to lose control and be dashed against the rocks, and she couldn't handle it every day, too exhausting. But though the time she spent in the black with only the crew's minds surrounding her was easier and more restful, it was nice to let herself soar with the crowd for a change.

She danced from partner to partner, never lingering with any one for too long, moving on whenever their thoughts grew too intrusive. It wasn't until she felt a sense of yearning coming from someone's mind that she tried to narrow down the thoughts she was picking up to specific people.

It wasn't the man she was currently dancing with, or indeed any of the other dancers. It was a boy about her age, sitting in the shadows, deaf to the chatter of his friends around him as he watched her dance, wishing he had the courage to ask her to dance with him, wishing he was the kind of person she'd look twice at.

_Everyone should dance_ , River thought. _You never know if tomorrow they might take it away from you._

She spun free of her current partner and slipped through the crowd, holding out her hand to the boy, whose eyes were huge as he watched her approach.

"Will you dance with me?" she asked.

His friends cheered and called out jokes, but River ignored them, holding his gaze instead, and slowly he reached out and took her hand, let her draw him into the crowd.

He was tentative at first as he settled his hand lightly against her waist, but River smiled at him and he smiled back, settling into the beat of the music.

"My name's Enlai," he offered tentatively.

"I'm River," she told him. "Do you like to dance, Enlai?"

"I do," he said. "But – it's not often that girls ask me."

"Then you should ask them," River said. "Everyone should dance."

He relaxed more as they moved slowly around to the far side of the square, away from where his friends had been sitting, more daring away from their gaze. "You're from the ship, aren't you?"

"Yes," River said. "Her name's Serenity."

"Can I ask –" Enlai started, then hesitated. "You'll laugh, but –"

"You don't know me very well yet," River said gently. "I don't laugh at the thoughts in other people's minds. They might not like what they would see in mine."

Enlai seemed to take that as the reassurance it was meant to be, because he asked in a rush, "What are the stars like, up close? I've never been out of the world –"

River smiled at him. "They're beautiful."

She told him about the shining stars and colourful planets, of the beauty of a sunrise from orbit, of the appeal of the darkness of black space, far from any stars, and he listened raptly as they danced.

"You make it sound beautiful," Enlai said, and she heard his unvoiced thought overlaid, _But I'll wager space isn't as beautiful as you._

River felt herself flush warm. It was an illogical and invalid compliment, and from someone who barely knew her, and yet she liked it. She liked the way he saw her, a girl come down from the stars to dance with him, and she understood now what Inara had meant – that you couldn't allow it to define you, but that it could be freeing, it could be wonderful.

Enlai's mind wasn't invasive, wasn't overwhelming, but it was warm and cocooning, and River found herself relaxing into the glow of his thoughts, his focus on enjoying this moment with her.

He reached up, daring, and when she didn't object, brushed an errant lock of hair out of her face. "You have beautiful hair."

Kaylee and Inara had both told her that in the past, and River had never really known what to say. There had been a time, long ago, when her hair had meant something to her. Then people had cut into her skull and the world of the mind had opened up to her, and her body had become a tool, a weapon, a trap she couldn't escape. A tool didn't need to be beautiful, only effective.

But she liked the brush of his fingers against her face, and so she smiled at him. "Thank you," she said, and shifted closer.

It was meant innocently enough, but she felt the blaze of desire light up in him as she pressed against him, and had to catch her own breath. He hesitated for a moment, then tightened his arm around her back, the thumb of his other hand stroking over her palm again and again.

It was strange, River mused, a little dazed. It wasn't that nobody ever touched her. Simon touched her all the time, and Kaylee hugged her, and Inara and Zoe and the captain all offered casual little touches too. Jayne was the only person on the crew who didn't really touch her at all. And yet none of those touches felt like this, perhaps because none of them touched her while feeling this blaze of desire for her, while being as affected by her touch as she was by theirs.

It was... heady, River decided. A little like what being drunk felt like, she suspected, from what she'd felt of it in other people's minds.

Enlai pressed his lips to her hair, daring, then her temple, and then, as she pulled back slightly to meet his eyes, her cheek. He hesitated, and it was River who closed the gap and kissed him properly.

Kissing was trickier than she'd expected from watching people do it; it had always seemed to come naturally to everyone, no thought at all. But her own mind kicked into overdrive, analysing and controlling every aspect, and it was only when Enlai's hand came up to her cheek that she figured out how to relax into it and let the kiss take its own course.

They kissed again and again, and finally River had to pull back for a moment to clear her mind. She forced herself to remember Inara's advice, to examine whether this was truly something she wanted herself, not just her picking up on Enlai's desire.

But she did want this, she realised. She'd been a tool and a weapon for so long, and this made her feel like a person, made her feel beautiful in a way she couldn't ever remember feeling. And it made sense to seize that gift and that opportunity when it finally came her way.

"I want to have sex with you," she informed Enlai.

Enlai's mouth fell open, but she felt the jolt of desire that ran through him too. "You – are you sure? I mean, we –"

"Do you want to?" River asked. She knew what she was feeling from him, but people were confusing and sometimes they didn't want what they felt. River wasn't sure she would ever understand people.

"God, yes," Enlai said with such heartfelt sincerity that River beamed at him. "Just – you're really sure?"

"I'm sure," River reassured him, and took a step back, keeping hold of his hand. "Where do you live?"

It turned out that Enlai still lived with his parents, but the house was dark and deserted when he led her inside, everyone still back at the square. His room was small, and his bed consisted of blankets on the floor.

"Proper beds are expensive," Enlai apologised.

"I don't like mattresses," River told him sincerely, and before he could try to figure out whether she was serious or not, she stepped in close and kissed him.

The heat flared between them again, and River let herself get caught up in it, let herself get caught up in him, in his mind and the sensation of his body against hers. She was surprised by just how much she did want this, by just how much it was nothing to do with the logic of the situation and everything to do with _want_.

She shuddered as Enlai kissed his way down her neck, licking at the place where her pulse fluttered. "I like that," she murmured, pleasantly surprised, and he did it again.

She ran her hands experimentally down his back, then slipped them under the hem of his shirt and trailed them back up again, more slowly. She liked touching him, she realised, and he liked it too, shivering slightly under her hands.

He pushed the straps of her dress aside to kiss the tops of her shoulders, and River ran her fingers through his hair, holding his head close against her. His hands trailed down her arms, and River couldn't understand it, couldn't understand how this touch could feel like electricity when she'd been touched on the arm so often before without feeling anything more than physical contact.

She stepped back to let her dress slip to the ground, leaving her in her boots and her skin, and Enlai's eyes went wide as his thoughts flared with desire. "River..."

She unfastened the buttons of his shirt, one by one, and he let her, not reaching out to touch her, but still drinking in the sight of her, his eyes tracing every inch of her, and River felt seen in a way she hadn't before.

She reached for his pants and he caught her hand, bringing it up to press a kiss to her wrist. "River, are you really sure?"

River considered it again, but reached the same conclusion. "I am." She tilted her head, looking at him consideringly. "Why do you doubt me?"

Enlai hissed out a breath, denial/surprise/longing, and she caught a tangled glimpse of his emotions in that moment –

_– the girl laughing at his nose, taunts as cruel as only a child's can be –_

_– his friend kissing the girl they'd both liked, second or third best or maybe not even if you were the last –_

_– the beautiful girl from the stars dancing with him, what could she possibly see in him –_

River inhaled sharply, and stepped closer and kissed him ferociously, putting everything she thought of that into her kiss.

"You're beautiful, Enlai," she told him when she pulled away again, as he gasped against her mouth. "Don't ever let anyone make you doubt it. You're beautiful."

He was – he had a beautiful mind, and his skin was warm beneath her fingers, and he looked at her like she was special.

She kissed his cheekbones, and his browbones, very gently, because she hadn't understood that other people could feel like tools too, that they needed to be shown that they were something precious. She lowered her head to kiss his neck the way he'd kissed hers, came back up to trace the line of his ear with her mouth, to bite gently at the lobe.

Enlai shuddered, and she could feel a sense of awe growing in his mind, awe and a wild, glowing happiness, and then he said " _River_ ," and took his pants off himself, taking her hand and tugging her down to join him on top of the blankets.

River smiled, his happiness contagious, and he kissed her with new confidence and trailed his hands down her legs to tug off her boots.

"You're the beautiful one," he murmured. "You're more beautiful than all those stars you told me about." He pressed his lips to her feet, trailing kisses over her ankles, and River sighed with pleasure, flexing her feet. "I couldn't believe it when you came over and asked me to dance with you."

"I like to dance," River said, and caught his hands, guiding him up so she could kiss him again. "I liked dancing with you."

"I've never done this before," Enlai admitted, laughing quietly against her lips. "I don't know what I'm doing."

"Neither have I," River offered by way of reassurance. "But I'm enjoying it."

"Me too," Enlai agreed, and started to reach down, before hesitating. "Can I –"

"Yes," River said, sure even though she was too distracted by cataloguing her body's sensations to pick up on exactly what he was asking.

When his hand came to rest carefully on one of her breasts, though, she inhaled sharply and pulled him down for another kiss, showing him with her mouth how good it felt as he carefully rolled her nipple between thumb and forefinger, a bright dart of sensation. She caught his other hand and pulled it up to her other breast, and he took the hint and repeated the movement there.

River had to break the kiss, arching her head back in a moan, and Enlai pressed his smile against her throat, nuzzling kisses there even as he kept touching her breasts.

She'd known, theoretically, scientifically, that a woman's breasts were an erogenous zone, but there was nothing scientific about the way it felt when Enlai touched her there, the way she felt flushed hot all over.

He shifted, moving one hand away, and River was about to protest until he lowered his head and licked the nipple instead.

"Oh," River moaned, and she understood now, understood why that rush of desire and pleasure had so clouded Wash and Zoe's minds, and Simon and Kaylee's, and Mal and Inara's. Enlai closed his mouth over the nipple and sucked, and River felt her back arch in pleasure. "Oh, please, please..."

He didn't stop, and River was restless with the pleasure of it, writhing against him, running her hands over every part of him that she could reach, stroking over his face and his hair and his back. "Please..."

Eventually he pulled back and she tugged him up to kiss him again, breathless and _wanting_. He wanted her too, and when she reached down and ran tentative fingers over the hard penis pressed against her hip, he gasped and arched into the touch. "River..."

She gathered him carefully into her hand, letting what she felt in his mind guide her, that and the way his flesh jumped under her touch. "Should I touch you like this?"

Enlai released a shuddering breath, and reached down to guide her. "Like this is – oh god."

River took over the rhythm he showed her, reaching down with her other hand to explore curiously – testicles, perineum, and he moaned under her touch. "River, god – stop, I'll come –"

She stopped, but only to twist so he was underneath her, sliding down his body. This she'd been curious about, had wondered what it would be like in real life, rather than just picking up on the edges of someone else's mind, so she lowered her lips to his penis.

Enlai groaned, like the sound had been forced from him, and his penis jerked under her lips as she felt the wave of desire pass through him. Encouraged, she licked her way along it, curling her tongue over the head, then took it into her mouth and sucked carefully.

The main difference was in how intensely _real_ it was, the immediacy of the taste and the bulk in her mouth, the scent of him filling her nostrils. She felt consumed by him even as she was consuming him, and it was a curiously powerful feeling. Everything he felt, she felt too, and she moaned around him, feeling a shock of sensation from that pass through them both.

"River," Enlai begged, "River, please, please, I can't – _oh_."

She pulled off slowly, slid back up his body while he gasped and tried to regain control of himself, kissing him so he could taste what he tasted like.

"God," he whispered after a moment, and kissed her firmly. "God, let me try that –"

It was his turn to slide down her body this time, and River didn't think to protest, because she'd wondered about this too.

She wasn't prepared, at all, for how it would feel when his tongue dragged across her, a thousand times more immediate than having him in her mouth had been. The sensation was shockingly brilliant, and she couldn't help but touch his head, pulling him closer against her. He licked at her firmly, uncompromisingly, and River found all her muscles locking up, focusing on that one point of blinding need.

" _Oh_ ," she gasped, shocked by the way her body arched quite without her consent. "Oh god, that – please, _please_ –"

It was nearly frightening in its intensity, and she moaned, holding on as the sensation grew until it was unbearable, until she was rigid and waiting, waiting, waiting –

And then the sensation broke like waves upon a shore, and River cried out in shocked pleasure as her climax rushed over her, leaving her shaking and dazed.

"You're beautiful," Enlai told her, kissing his way back up her body. "Beautiful, so beautiful, River –"

In that moment, River saw herself as he saw her, and she _felt_ beautiful in a way she never had.

"I want you inside me," she said, hearing her voice ragged, and sat up to straddle him.

She didn't wait for him to ask her if she was sure again, just took him inside her, lowering herself slowly onto him, and Enlai gasped, clutching her hips. She could feel him shaking, but she didn't stop until she was sat flush against him, then she leaned forward for a kiss as they both adjusted.

She'd been half-braced for pain, but there was none, just a strange fullness that was new but not unpleasant. She pushed up and then lowered herself again, slowly finding a rhythm, a new dance to learn, and Enlai stared at her as if she was a star herself.

They started slow and sped up gradually, moving together with more confidence, Enlai running his hands over her back, her ass, her breasts, leaning in to share kiss after kiss. River smiled and leaned back to look at him properly.

"You're beautiful," she told him again. It was the truth – at this moment his pleasure was singing from him, his awe at what they were sharing, and it was headier than dancing through the crowd had been.

" _You're_ beautiful," Enlai told her fervently, and she saw herself in his mind, glowing as she moved with him, and she took it into herself, this new knowledge. That she wasn't a tool or a weapon. She was a woman, and she had a body as well as a mind, and she could be beautiful.

Enlai buried his head against her neck, moaning as he mouthed at the skin there. One hand slipped down between them, between her legs, touching her where his mouth had touched her before, and River moaned, feeling the desire that had been building in her flaring bright. She was still slick, and his fingers moved easily over her, winding her tight the way his mouth had before.

"Enlai," she gasped, "I need..." In truth, she didn't know what she needed except _more_ , something just out of reach. But Enlai didn't seem fazed, just moved his fingers faster, thrusting harder inside of her, their rhythm finally shattering and losing coherency. Enlai groaned and bit down against her throat, and River cried out, feeling herself falling over the edge again, the pleasure all the more overwhelming this time for Enlai following her, his climax as shattering as hers.

They lay together afterwards, relearning how to breathe, kissing softly.

"That was..." Enlai said finally, no louder than a whisper. "That was..." She could hear all the words he tried in his mind and discarded as inadequate. _Amazing. Special. Perfect._

"It was," she agreed. "Thank you."

"Thank _you_ ," Enlai said fervently, kissing her again to emphasise his point, tangling his hand in her hair. "Thank you, River."

She'd thought that leaving the house again might be awkward, but it wasn't. Enlai helped her to pull on her boots, made sure the straps of her dress lay straight. They delayed for ten minutes in the doorway, kissing and kissing, before she finally pulled away and led him by the hand back to the square.

She was sure that at least Inara's sharp eyes had to have noticed that she'd been gone, but the crowd was still thick enough that she hoped the others wouldn't have realised. She danced one last time with Enlai, then dropped a final kiss on his lips and headed back over to the rest of the crew.

Simon and Kaylee had already returned to the ship, thankfully, and Jayne and the captain were more than a little drunk. Zoe and Inara had both noticed her absence and guessed the reason for it, but neither said anything as they walked back to the ship.

"Sleep well, River," Inara said with a knowing smile as she headed towards her shuttle.

"I will," River said, more sure than she normally ever felt, and let her feet carry her to her own quarters.

* * *

Inara opened her door when River knocked the next day, and immediately invited her in for tea.

"Well?" she asked. "I couldn't help but notice you vanished for a while yesterday evening."

River smiled, shy but genuine. "I understand better now," she said. "Practical knowledge is superior to theoretical."

Inara smiled back mischievously. "Isn't it just? So you enjoyed it?"

"I did," River admitted. "I understand better why you love your work now."

Inara knew her expression didn't so much as flicker, but River's did as Inara's thoughts gave her away. River opened her mouth and shut it again, as if unsure whether to speak, before finally saying, "When is the final date?"

Inara did not quite suppress a sigh. "Less than a month from now." Companions were required to undergo a medical examination once a year or lose their licence. There was a certain degree of flexibility built in to the system, as Companions' schedules were generally very tightly regulated, but even that additional leeway was almost up. Inara would need to visit a hospital on a Core planet, and the implications made her dread Mal's reaction.

"You haven't spoken to him about it yet," River said, not a question.

"Not yet," Inara agreed.

River nodded, and Inara knew her own unease with the conversation had come across, without her entirely meaning it. "I'm sorry, River, I know you –"

"It's okay," River said quickly, offering her a smile. "You keep your own counsel. I don't mean to pry. And you know the captain best." She hesitated. "Can't offer advice, but – when you argue, he hears something different than what you think you're saying, and you hear something different than his reply. You need to think in his language, show him how to think in yours, help him understand."

Inara gave her a genuine smile in return. She'd always known that was the case. Mal could make her angry like no one else could, could shatter a disturbing amount of her control. "Thank you, River."

River slipped out of the shuttle, and Inara returned to wondering when and how to break the news to Mal.

She hadn't intended to go so long without working. After being held hostage by the Operative, it had made sense to avoid risks for a time, and separating from the crew or staying anywhere too long had been a risk. Then she and Mal had become involved, and she hadn't wanted to risk rocking the boat. She hadn't even realised herself at the time that that had been her main motive. Hindsight was always clearer. For months they'd rarely spent more than a day in the same place, and it had been easy to convince herself that it wasn't safe, or it wasn't convenient, or that she needed a break.

And now over a year had gone by since she'd last accepted a client. Probably the entire crew thought that she'd given up her work, even though that had never been her intention.

Perhaps Mal had reached the same conclusion. Or perhaps he'd avoided thinking about it, just like she had, telling himself tales about safety concerns and inconvenience, and never considered that one day she would want to start working again.

Either way, Inara knew that it would hurt him when she did. This wasn't a decision she could make lightly. She loved Mal, and she knew that he loved her too. Despite their differences, despite the arguments they'd never completely grown out of, they'd forged a relationship over the past year, and it wasn't something she could put at risk lightly.

But what was the alternative? To give up her status as a Companion, everything she'd worked to become since she was a child? To settle down to a life as a part-time ship's pilot? To cling to Mal at the price of turning her back on everyone else she could help?

She couldn't. She didn't want or need to accept new clients tomorrow, but she would someday, because she was a Companion and she couldn't give that up: it was by far the biggest part of who she was.

Which meant she had to make an appointment at an accredited Core hospital for a medical examination within the next few weeks. Which meant she had to speak to Mal sooner rather than later.

"You okay?" Mal asked, and Inara kept herself from flinching with a supreme effort of will. She'd been so engrossed in her thoughts that she hadn't heard him walk into her shuttle. "You're looking mighty thoughtful."

Inara managed a smile. "I'm okay, but there is something I need to talk to you about."

"Okay," Mal said, obediently sitting down beside her. "What's up?"

Inara swallowed and raised her chin. "Do you remember that Companions need to undergo a medical examination at an accredited hospital once a year?"

She felt Mal stiffen beside her. "Seem to recall something about that, now you come to mention it."

"Well," Inara said, choosing her words as carefully as she could, "there's an automatic extension, but that expires soon in my case. So if it would be possible for us to visit one of the Core planets briefly after we leave here –"

"Just out of curiosity – what happens if you miss the deadline?" Mal asked, his voice tight.

"I would be removed from the register of Companions, and wouldn't be permitted to accept clients," Inara said. "I can't afford to miss the deadline, Mal."

"Right, we couldn't have all those clients missing out," Mal said sardonically.

"Mal, this doesn't mean I'm going to go out and take a client tomorrow," Inara said. "And even if I did, it wouldn't have anything to do with –"

"Wouldn't have anything to do with me?" Mal finished, voice all the more deadly for how soft it was. "Near enough a year now, and it wouldn't have anything to do with me?"

"That's not what I meant," Inara said. It always enraged her, how hopeless he could make her feel, like he always took what she said in the worst possible way.

"Then explain to me what you meant, Inara," Mal said, and it was no consolation that he sounded equally defeated. "Because what I'm hearing is that you want to sleep with other people and it's none of my business."

"Wo de fozu," Inara whispered, and took a deep breath. "Mal – you've made plain in the past that you don't have much respect for my work –" She held up her hand as he tried to say something, silencing him. "And normally it's not that much of a problem. But right now it is, because you're assuming I'm making this decision lightly. You seem to have reached the conclusion that I'm making a choice that I know will hurt you because – because I want to have sex with other people. And that's not true."

"I'm listening," Mal said.

"My work is important to me, Mal," Inara said. "It's important to me the way Serenity is important to you. I can't give it up any more than you could leave this ship behind."

"Why?" Mal said, genuine bewilderment in his voice. "Because – and I don't mean to be insulting you, Inara, because you know I respect you, but I ain't never understood why a woman like you would feel a need to whore herself out."

Inara smothered the anger she always felt when he used that word to her. "Then will you listen, and try to be open-minded, and let me try to explain it to you?"

When he nodded, she talked to him. She told him about the men she'd taught to stand up for themselves, the women she'd taught that they were special. She told him about the lives she'd influenced, the people she'd made happy. She told him about the years and years of training she'd undergone, of all the times she'd considered another path and then been drawn back. Mal listened in silence, and Inara reflected again on the fact that they'd never talked seriously about her work before. She should have realised it needed to happen, sooner rather than later. That it hadn't should have been a warning sign.

"It's more than just what I do," she finished. "It's who I am, all the time. Even this past year. I've never stopped being a Companion, Mal. I never will. I'd have to stop being myself."

Mal took her hand, running his thumb across her palm. "I can respect that," he said at last. "No one should stop being who they are, not for anyone." He paused.

"But you can't love a Companion," Inara said. She'd expected to be close to tears, but she wasn't. Part of her had seen this coming, she realised now. Had hoped it wouldn't, perhaps, but part of her had been steeling herself for this moment, and it didn't hurt the way she'd expected. It was just terribly sad.

"Reckon the past year has shown I can love this Companion," Mal told her very seriously, then looked up from their joined hands to meet her eyes. "But I don't rightly know if I can cope with..." He trailed off. "No, it's not even the sex. Well, a lot of it's the sex," he admitted. "But – it's not meaningless sex, is it? Might not be the same meaning as between you and me, but what happens between you and your clients, it ain't meaningless. That much you got across clear."

Inara nodded slowly. The sex she had with her clients could be many things, but it was rarely meaningless.

"That's the part I don't reckon I could cope with," Mal said, and she could hear the honesty in his voice. "The thought of..." He looked down at their hands again. "But I ain't gonna ask you to give it up. You shouldn't give it up, not if it means that much to you."

"You mean a lot to me too," Inara said, and oh, the tears were close now after all. "It hasn't just been fears for my safety that have stopped me taking clients this past year. And I'm not saying I want to take clients right now, either. But one day..."

"We'd come back to the same point in the end," Mal said heavily. "Ain't no use in delaying what's already decided."

Inara released a breath and felt a tear spill over. "You're right," she agreed, and she knew that he was, but it hurt, and knowing he was hurting just as much was no consolation. "You can drop me off on the nearest planet with a transport hub, I'm sure I can find –"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Mal protested, his hand squeezing hers tightly all of a sudden. "Who said anything about you leavin'?"

"You don't think it would be for the best?" Inara asked, with a weak, wry smile.

"No, I gorram well don't," Mal said definitely. "I ain't saying it'll all be plain sailing at first, and I warn you right now I'll probably be a real hun dan around your first few clients, so you might want to keep 'em away from me, but – Inara. You belong here. I don't want you to leave." He managed an equally weak smile back. "You're part of my crew, you know."

Inara couldn't hold back her tears any longer, and she let him draw her close and kiss her hair as she wept.

"If you're sure," she said, when she finally drew back. "If you're sure, I'll stay."

"Good," Mal said, and got to his feet. "I guess I'll..."

"Of course," Inara said quickly, and got up to see him out.

He caught her hand at the doorway, and drew it up to kiss it. Then he walked away without another word.

Inara closed the door behind him, then returned to her bed and allowed herself the luxury of crying for a while before she got up and began methodically checking which hospitals were accredited by the Guild.

* * *

"Are we staying in orbit, Captain, or are we landing?" River asked.

"We'll stay a day or two while Inara takes care of her business – not enough time to detour elsewhere, and not a chance of picking up business on a Core world like this," the captain said. "So take her down when you're ready. Capital City, no point in our Companion having to make do with anything less than the best."

River said nothing, focusing on making the necessary calculations as they orbited Osiris and punching up the information she needed on the docks in Capital City.

It was strange, seeing the planet that had been her homeworld below her again, the aching familiarity of its shape and colours and landmasses, but River forced herself to concentrate on her work instead of dwelling on it.

Simon hadn't been happy when he'd learned of their destination, though there hadn't been much he could say by way of objection. They were equally wanted anywhere, and would most likely have to remain confined to the ship on any Core planet. Objectively, there was no reason why either of them should want to avoid Osiris particularly.

Subjectively, though...

Then there had been the painful conversation when Simon had tried to break to her gently the fact that she shouldn't expect to be able to get in touch with their parents while they were on the planet, or indeed ever again. It wasn't news to River, precisely, as she'd picked up enough bits and pieces from Simon's thoughts and silences since they'd come on board Serenity to have some idea of what her parents had said and done. Or failed to do. But it wasn't something she'd ever chosen to think about, burying it somewhere deep in her mind, one more sharp blade among all the others. Having Simon drag it out into the light had hurt, and she'd cut the conversation as short as she could, telling him she knew and no, she wasn't harbouring any secret hope of seeing them again.

"I'm all in favour of thoroughness, River, but perhaps you could see fit to finish up with your math and take us down sometime before we've completed a full orbit," the captain snapped, drawing her back to the present.

River flushed at the rebuke – not a common experience for her – but hurried to switch off the autopilot and start guiding the ship down. She tried not to take his words too much to heart, because Mal had been in a foul mood since he and Inara had decided to end their relationship, snapping at everyone. She could hear Zoe, who was sitting in the co-pilot's seat, thinking very deliberately at her not to worry about it, that the captain was just being a hun dan at the moment. She offered Zoe a weak smile of appreciation, meeting her eyes for a second, and then concentrated on flying the ship.

Landing was always sufficiently challenging to keep her mind fully occupied, and River was even more determined to get every detail exactly right with Mal in the mood he was in. She managed to set them down gently and began running through the checklist to power down the ship.

The captain turned on the intercom connection to Inara's shuttle. "Inara, we've landed. We'll expect you in two days' time."

"Thank you, Mal," Inara's voice responded quietly, and then the connection clicked shut again.

River could see in the captain's mind how much he wanted to go and see her off the ship, but he equally couldn't stand the thought of watching her leave, and they'd agreed in advance that he wouldn't.

She tried to block out his thoughts as much as she could and focused on finishing the checklist.

"Are you and Simon planning to get in touch with family while you're here, River?" Zoe asked, obviously trying to distract them all from Inara's departure.

She felt the sudden shock of realisation and something like regret in Mal's mind: he'd been so preoccupied with Inara that he hadn't fully realised that they were returning to her home planet.

"No," River said without looking up from the console. "Not an option any more."

"Would likely be risky, but we might be able to find a way to get a message to your parents," Zoe offered gently.

"They disowned Simon when he started trying to find me," River said, keeping her voice and her words as neutral as she could, refusing to let any emotion in. "We don't have parents any more."

Mal's hand settled on her shoulder, squeezing once, warm and reassuring, sympathy and affection and apology for snapping earlier. River lifted her head and gave Zoe a weak smile, tilting her head back to show it to the captain too. "It's okay. Don't need to worry."

"Ain't likely to stop any time soon, mei-mei," Zoe told her, and got to her feet. "I'd better go check Sying isn't driving Simon to distraction."

The captain settled into the co-pilot's seat after Zoe left, some of the irritation and unhappiness gone out of him with the distraction of his realisation. He started checking the console readings, and they worked in companionable silence for a while.

"You got any other family here?" he asked eventually, breaking the silence. "Zoe's right – wouldn't be easy, but we'd figure something out."

River shook her head, letting her hair fall around her face. "My whole family is on Serenity these days."

"You don't need to talk about it," Mal said. "It's your business."

River made herself look at him. "Not a secret. Just... hard."

He nodded. "No wonder. How old were you when you left? Fourteen?"

"Yes," River said softly. "I wanted to go, I was excited about it. Wanted to learn. They said I would still be able to dance."

"Did you miss your parents?" Mal asked.

"On the way there, a bit," River admitted. "Then I got there, and..." She trailed off.

"You ever talk to anyone about what happened there?" Mal asked quietly. "Your brother, Zoe?"

River shook her head, hunching in on herself. "Don't like to remember."

"Can understand that," Mal agreed. "Even so, little albatross, it might help. Make the remembering more bearable. Having no-go areas inside your own mind, that ain't good for you."

"You don't talk about it either," River pointed out quietly.

The captain met her eyes sharply, and River bit her lip, wondering if she'd overstepped her bounds again, but Mal just shook his head. "Ain't often that you're wrong, darlin', but you are about that. Zoe and I went through the war together, and we remind each other of the better parts all the time. Don't often speak of the darker parts, that's true, but we went through them together, so we don't got much need to put it into words. We both know when we're thinking about it. But you don't have anyone who went through it with you."

She knew what Mal meant, even if what he said wasn't completely accurate – she hadn't been the only student at the Academy. But her mind shied away from that memory, from the sharper blades buried there.

She nodded wordlessly, and Mal nodded back and dropped the subject. "Since we're stuck here for a bit, reckon we should drum up the rest of this lazy bunch and have a game of something. What do you think, darlin'?"

* * *

Sitting on the silent bridge, River closed her eyes and reached out with her mind.

The rest of the crew were down in the cargo bay. Inara was due back sometime in the next couple of hours, and they would be taking off immediately. The course was already plotted, away from the Core as fast as they could travel. Now they were only waiting.

And River had realised that she had to at least try; that if she left Osiris without trying, she would regret it. She would probably never be able to see or speak to her parents again, but she could touch their minds, see if they were well. See if they ever thought of their children.

It was difficult, trying to reach out consciously. Hearing thoughts wasn't hard, but with the capital city outside the ship, there were too many people out there for her to pick up more than flashes of impressions, like a distant hum of chatter. Picking out any specific person in the throng was almost impossible.

But she could do it with the people she was close to. She'd heard them over long distances, regardless of their surroundings. She was confident that if she left the ship and travelled to the centre of the city, she'd still be able to pick out Simon's mind, and Mal's, and most likely Zoe's as well. So there was no reason why she shouldn't be able to find her parents' minds.

She focused as intently as she could, and reached out.

Not just distant chatter now; shouted impressions, and River pulled her knees close to her chest and held on.

She tried to remember the way she'd seen her parents as a little girl, the way she'd respected them. Her father, and the air of importance he'd never quite shed, even at home. Her mother and her pride.

Her parents, who had dismissed her painfully crafted letters begging for help and disowned her brother when he refused to do the same. Her rich, well-connected parents, who'd made no effort to find them or help them when they'd gone on the run, their arrest warrants splashed all over the Cortex.

_No, not productive, doesn't help, find them, they're your parents, you've got to be able to find them, concentrate –_

She stretched out her mind until it _hurt_ , until the cacophony deafened her and left her shaking, and then she snapped back to herself, fighting for breath, her head pounding.

Mal was crouched in front of her, his hands resting on her arms where they were wound around her knees. "You back with me, River?" he asked quietly.

Even that much sound was painful, but River did her best not to flinch away. "I can't hear them," she admitted, and felt a tear escape. "I thought I could find them, I thought – they're my parents, I can hear the people I'm close to, but I can't hear them. They really aren't my parents any more."

Mal slipped his arms around her, even curled up tight into a ball as she was, so her knees pressed against his chest. "Easy, River. Easy, now."

His arms were warm and as comfortingly solid and _there_ as his mind, surrounding her, stopping her from shaking apart, and River buried her face against her knees, curled up as tight as she could, and let him hold her together for a while.

When she'd finally stopped shaking, she felt him brush a kiss to her hair. "Ain't too late, you know," he said quietly. "We can still figure out how to get word to them."

River sighed, slow and shaky, and uncurled a little, raising her head to meet his gaze. "No point," she said softly. "Wouldn't change anything. Just hurts to realise."

Mal nodded, accepting her word as final. He reached up and pushed back a lock of hair that had fallen across her face, and she self-consciously pushed the rest out of the way too and wiped her eyes.

"You want to go see your brother?" Mal asked. "Or do you just need to lie down and sleep for a spell?"

River considered. Maybe she would talk to Simon later. Sooner might be wiser, with the way her head was pounding, but sleep would probably cure that, and she wasn't sure she was up to talking to him yet. "Sleep, I think."

"All right, then," Mal said, pulling back to let her get up, gently supporting her by the arm when she wobbled. "If you're still asleep when Inara gets back, we can hold off an hour or two –"

"Not necessary," River assured him, with a sad smile of gratitude. "But thank you, Mal."

She felt the shot of pleased surprise pass through him, and realised it was the first time she'd addressed him by his name rather than his title. He seemed pleased rather than irritated, though, so she didn't apologise or try to take it back.

"You're welcome, River," he said simply. "C'mon, I'll make sure you get to your bunk safe and sound."

* * *

Inara slowed her pace as Serenity came into sight.

She loved the ship, had done since the moment she'd first seen it. Even the name had seemed to call to her. Her time on board had brought her many things: happiness, love, family, grief, fear, rage – but beyond all of it, she had found a kind of serenity, the kind that came from knowing that she was where she was meant to be. When she'd first left Sihnon, she'd thought she would never have that again.

When she'd realised she and Mal couldn't continue together, she'd thought she'd lose it again. She still wasn't certain that she wouldn't – oh, she believed Mal when he said he wanted her to stay, but that was easy to say now. When she started taking clients again, he might feel differently. And he was the captain; if he decided she was gone, that would be it.

It wasn't in her nature to put herself in another's power that way. She'd learned that lesson painfully in the past; it was why she'd left Sihnon in the first place. And so over the past few days, in the clinical, impersonal surroundings of the hospital, she'd given a lot of thought to her options. She could take up a position at a training house again. She could find a different ship, even buy one.

But it wouldn't be Serenity.

Or she could ask Mal for assurances. Buy the shuttle from him instead of renting it, or make him commit to giving her a year's notice if he wanted her gone – time enough to talk him out of it, with luck. Or even just ask him to put it in writing that he wouldn't ask her to leave if they fought.

Maybe that would work.

She drew in a deep breath, steeling herself, and walked down to the ship.

It was Zoe who came to let her aboard, offering a smile of welcome that Inara appreciated very much. "Everything go okay?"

"It was fine," Inara said, smiling back. "Routine."

"Good," Zoe said, and reached for the intercom. "We've got a full house, sir," she said into it.

"Glad to hear it," Mal's voice returned. "Check in on River on your way up here, dong ma? See if she's awake."

"Yes, sir," Zoe acknowledged, and returned the intercom to its cradle.

"Is River all right?" Inara asked, falling into step with her on the way up the stairs.

Zoe hesitated before answering. "She and Simon are from Osiris. I think coming back here set her to thinking about her parents."

"Oh no," Inara said, dismayed. "I didn't –"

"Don't worry about it," Zoe told her reassuringly. "She's all right."

"She's fine," River echoed, coming up the steps from her quarters as they approached. Her eyes were red-rimmed, but the smile she graced them with seemed sincere.

"Are you sure, baobei?" Inara asked, reaching out to touch her hair. She'd been so caught up in her own troubles that she hadn't even considered that Osiris was the Tams' homeworld.

Unexpectedly, River turned her face into the touch, then stepped in close to embrace her. Inara was caught off-guard, but hugged her gently.

"I'm glad you're home," River murmured, too softly for anyone else to hear.

Inara swallowed. "So am I, sweetie."

River pulled free with a smile and set off with light footsteps towards the bridge. Zoe and Inara exchanged a look and followed.

"Hey, darlin'," Inara heard Mal say as River reached the bridge. "How're you feeling?"

"I slept," River replied.

"Good," Mal said. "You ready?"

He glanced back as Inara and Zoe arrived at the bridge as well, his eyes fastening on her for a moment, but then he returned his attention to River. Inara knew him well enough to recognise the lines of concern around his eyes, and her heart swelled for him in that moment.

For all his bluster, for all that he'd never believe it, Malcolm Reynolds was a good man.

"Ready," River confirmed, slipping into the co-pilot's seat.

"I don't mind taking this one," Zoe offered.

"Unnecessary," River said on a faint sigh and reached for the controls.

They all watched in silence as she guided Serenity into the air, Osiris dropping away beneath them. River had them out of atmosphere within minutes, the planet reduced to a beautiful blue ball out the port windows.

It was a hard thing to do, Inara knew, turning your back on your home.

"Not leaving it behind," River replied aloud without turning. "Serenity is my home."

"Right glad to hear it," Mal said, his voice a little rough. He didn't ask what she'd been reacting to; they had all more or less adapted to having a reader on board these days. "You happy to keep flying a while, darlin'?"

"Yes, Mal," she said.

Inara raised her eyebrows – River calling him by his name was new, unless she'd been blind to more than she'd realised in the past few weeks – but Mal appeared unfazed by it, getting to his feet. "Good. Shout if you need a hand."

"I'll stick around for a bit, help with plotting the course," Zoe said smoothly, slipping into the chair Mal had vacated.

Mal led Inara off the bridge and down into the kitchen. A few weeks ago, he'd have slipped his arm around her; now they were careful not to touch. "Everything go okay?" he asked her.

"It was fine," Inara said. "Hospitals aren't my favourite place to be, but there weren't any complications."

"Good," Mal said, "that's good." Then he seemed to run out of things to say.

Now was the moment to ask him for assurances, Inara thought, right now at the start. But instead she found herself thinking of the way he'd turned back to River on the bridge, his concern for her overriding his need to speak to Inara.

_A good man_ , she thought again, and found herself smiling at him, bittersweet. She didn't need to ask him for assurances after all. She knew him. That was all the assurance she needed.

Mal smiled back, weak but real. "I'm glad you're back, Inara."

"So am I," Inara said, and meant it. "It's good to be home."


	4. Chapter 4

Jayne was on his way up to the kitchen for a drink when Crazy waylaid him. Waylaid him, in this case, meaning popping up out of gorram _nowhere_ right in front of him, with her spooky eyes and a finger pressed to her lips. "Shh!"

"Wo de ma," Jayne muttered when he'd recovered from the initial shock. "What in the name of all that's holy are –"

Ahead of them, in the kitchen itself, he heard movement.

Eyes widening, he looked back at Crazy. "Is that –?" he asked, his voice considerably lower.

She nodded solemnly.

Jayne took a cautious step back, then another, and finally turned his back on the kitchen and strode off back the way he'd come, picking up speed.

"Zhengqi de goushi dui," Jayne said when he finally reached the relative safety of the cargo bay. "That was a close one."

"Within six feet of him noticing you," Crazy confirmed.

Jayne shuddered. "Yeah, well. Thanks for the warning."

Inara had taken off for a week of whoring two days ago, and the captain was being just as much of a bear as he had the last time, and the time before that. It was damn near half a year since he and 'Nara had stopped doing the nasty, but seemed like he hadn't gotten over it none yet. After Mal had given even Zoe a tongue-lashing the other night, Jayne was doing his level best to avoid him until his mood improved. More'n one of the crew was following his wise example, too.

Well, screw it. He still wanted a gorram drink, and there had to be _somewhere_ on this gou-shi moon that would sell one to him. Weren't no such thing as a dry moon, in Jayne's experience, just moons where you had to look a bit further for your drink.

"I'll come," Crazy said.

"Like gui you will," Jayne told her. And what the hell kind of screwed up was it that he didn't even blink at her answering his thoughts these days?

"Adaptation," Crazy said without missing a beat. "Getting used to me. It's a process." She paused and gave him one of her feng-le grins. "You owe me. Warned you, remember?"

Jayne grimaced, but she had a point. He really didn't want to happen on Mal unawares at the moment.

Her smile widened. "A deal, then. I'll keep warning you if you let me come with you."

Jayne groaned, but hell, that was a deal worth making. So long as – "You don't interfere if I pick up female comp'ny, got that? And don't go acting crazy and bringing trouble down on us. And you keep warning me."

"Deal," River said promptly. "Quick, before Simon comes."

Jayne grinned but led the way off-ship. "You hiding too, huh?"

"We're all hiding, all running," she said, voice trailing off in that creepy way she still hadn't completely grown out of.

"No wonder, Mal in the mood he's in," Jayne muttered.

"Everything's grey," Crazy said, which might have been agreement, but who knew with her. "Zoe's going to talk to him."

Jayne wasn't rightly sure that even Zoe could talk Mal into snapping out of it, but if she couldn't, no one could.

"She'll make him listen," River said confidently, and tilted her head back to beam up at the stars overhead. "Not so dark out here."

"It's gorram night-time," Jayne pointed out. "Don't get much darker'n this."

"Much darker on Serenity," Crazy said, which made no sense at all. They'd had the lights on.

"Whatever, Crazy," he said, dismissing it; weren't no point in trying to make sense of half the things she said, even now when everyone else claimed she was sane. "Do something useful with that freaky brain of yours and figure out where the nearest bar is."

She tilted her head to the side, pausing for a moment, then started off in a new direction. "This way."

Least she was good for something, Jayne thought charitably when he found himself walking into an underground bar, the entrance hidden behind a trash pile. Tracking down illegal bars on supposedly dry moons. He'd have found it sooner or later, but not this fast. He'd need to remember that particular ability of hers.

Place was busy, and he and Crazy attracted a few suspicious stares as they made their way inside. But folks relaxed some when they saw the colour of their money, and Jayne downed half his drink in one go. Damn, that was exactly what he'd needed.

He eyed Crazy next to him warily as she took a gulp of her own drink. "You allowed to drink these days?"

"Frowned upon," she said, "but not explicitly prohibited."

His best guess was that meant 'no', but hell, wasn't like Jayne was her keeper. He downed the rest of his drink, got a fresh one, and wandered off to a table near the back, leaving her standing at the bar.

Not two minutes later a hot blonde sat down on his lap and he had far better things to think about than Crazy.

* * *

River frowned thoughtfully down at her drink. Alcohol didn't taste the way she'd always assumed, based on how people thought of it. She gave a mental shrug and tried another mouthful. Perhaps the appeal would become clear as she went along. She had insufficient data.

The more important thing was that she was off the ship, surrounded by unfamiliar minds – well, if you didn't count Jayne – and most of them weren't as sunk into grey misery as Mal's. The break would be good for her. She was sure Simon would agree, if he understood. But she was glad they'd slipped out before she'd had to try to persuade him.

"Buy you another, sweetheart?"

River looked up. The man beside her was grinning widely, and he was currently picturing what she would look like riding him.

"I'm not interested in having sex with you," she told him bluntly.

His grin faltered. "It's just a drink."

River eyed him until he beat a hasty retreat, muttering under his breath. Then she turned to the bartender. "Another, please."

Across the room, Jayne was kissing the blonde woman who'd sat down on top of him. River wondered how much longer it would be until – ah.

From the doorway came the spike of rage and jealousy she'd been expecting since she first felt the woman's mind. That would be the husband Leyla was trying to provoke, then.

River accepted her drink from the bartender and downed it quickly. She had a feeling they wouldn't be spending too much longer in the bar after all.

Sure enough, Leyla's husband stormed across the room, pulled Leyla away from Jayne, and threw a punch that sent Jayne's head snapping back. Jayne gave a yell of annoyance and pain and launched out of his seat; he hit Leyla's husband and the two of them crashed into a nearby table, sending it and the drinks on it flying.

Within seconds, the whole bar had erupted into a brawl.

River smiled, set down her empty mug, and whirled into the middle of it.

She could see why Jayne – like Mal and Zoe – enjoyed bar brawls. It was almost good-natured, most people seeming pleased for the distraction. It was nice to relax into it, let her body move without thinking too much for once. Like dancing, or...

"A bit like sex," she said out loud, punching one man in the face and sending him crashing in Jayne's direction. Jayne gave him another punch for good measure, and the man collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

"You ain't right in the head," Jayne grunted out, then stopped dead. "Wait, like sex? _You've_ had sex?"

River whirled past him to knock out the two people about to take advantage of his lapse in concentration. "Not going to have sex with you."

"Damn _right_ you're ruttin' not," Jayne said with feeling, though not without a newly appreciative look at her body as she lashed out a leg and knocked another man to the floor.

She thought she was going to need to remind him that they were in the middle of something, but he blocked a punch without looking and then headbutted the guy who'd thrown it.

They fought well together – not the same way she and Zoe did, but well enough for all that. They had a knack for sending their opponents staggering into just the right position for the other to finish them off, and River was confident enough to turn her back on him, leave him to handle the bar patrons coming from that direction.

Part of the fun was fighting the way Zoe had taught her, the way she'd seen Mal and Jayne fighting – the kind of thing you expected in a real bar fight, and not at all the kind of fighting she'd been conditioned to use, the kind she still used when the crew were in trouble.

They weren't in trouble right now. River laughed, her happiness bubbling out of her, and kept moving.

Ten minutes later she and Jayne were walking back to the ship, a bit faster than they'd left it, for all that no one was following them.

"That was fun," River decided. "Now I understand why you like going out for a drink."

Jayne shot her a glare. "You the one who set that off?"

"It was Leyla's husband," River told him. "She was trying to make him jealous. It worked."

"Hold on, if you saw that in her head, how come you didn't warn me?" Jayne demanded.

"We had a deal," River reminded him. "No interfering."

"Wo de ma," Jayne muttered.

"Anyway, you enjoy a bar brawl," River pointed out. "I enjoyed it too. We should do it again sometime."

Jayne snorted, but he was relaxing, a grin spreading across his face despite himself. "Weren't a bad little fight."

He paused when they slipped back on board Serenity. They hadn't been gone much more than an hour, but the ship was quiet and dark. "Captain still in the kitchen?"

River shook her head. "The bridge, now."

"Good," Jayne said and headed for the kitchen. River paused, then took the other set of stairs, the ones that would lead her up to the bridge.

It was dark, with only the ambient light from the docks filtering through the windows. River hesitated at the top of the stairs.

"Might as well come on up," Mal observed with a sigh.

River obeyed and sat down in the co-pilot's seat. She felt... warm, oddly content, despite her proximity to Mal's mind.

"Zoe had a word with you," she said softly.

The sound Mal made was somewhere between a laugh and a snort. "Generally a woman of few words, Zoe. It was more of a really loud silence."

"Oh." River absorbed that. "Did it help?"

Mal sighed. "Well, you seem to have seen fit to stop avoiding me. Guess that might be a good sign."

River pulled her legs up close and curled into them. "Can't avoid you," she said quietly. "Not unless we were on separate moons."

"...Huh," Mal said. A pause, then he added, "That mean you're picking up on every last gorram thing I'm thinkin' and feelin'? 'Cause if so, reckon I owe you an apology for subjecting you to it."

River shook her head. "Can't control how you feel. Sometimes everything is grey inside. I know what that's like."

She felt his eyes swing round to settle on her for the first time, but she didn't look up.

"That so," Mal said quietly. "How do you cope with it, then, little albatross?"

"Try to keep going," River whispered. "Learned that from you, and Zoe. Clouds part eventually, let the sunlight in again. Usually helps knowing I'm not alone, too."

She felt his mood shift and lighten, slight but sure. "And from the sounds of it, I'm not really alone 'less you're on another moon," he said, his voice amused but grateful too.

"Not even then, necessarily," she told him solemnly. "Depends on the orbital paths."

"Good to know," he said and gave her the first smile she'd seen from him since Inara had left earlier that week. "So, what have you been up to when you haven't been busy avoiding me, darlin'?"

River smiled back. "I went out for a drink with Jayne and we had a bar brawl."

"Oh, zhe zhen shi ge kuai le de jinzhan," Mal said, eyes wide.

"It was fun," River told him. "I understand better now why you like bar brawls. Practical experience trumps theoretical knowledge."

"I ain't sure which part should be worrying me the most," Mal said, "the part where you were drinking, the part where you ended up in a bar brawl, or the part which involves _Jayne_."

"I only had two drinks," River said. "Still don't really understand the appeal. Maybe it only becomes clear when you drink more."

"Wo de tian, a," Mal muttered, rubbing his forehead. "Darlin', I would take it as a personal kindness if you'd save any future experiments with alcohol or bar brawls for when I'm with you. Or Zoe."

"I thought alcohol and bar brawls were Jayne's specialty," River said innocently, though she couldn't hold back her grin.

"And that's exactly what worries me," Mal said darkly. But he was _there_ , properly there with her for the first time in days, and she could sense his amusement and concern and the remains of his shock.

"It was fun," she told him again with an unrepentant grin. And the fact that it was helping to jolt Mal out of the grey clouds that had been smothering him, that was a bonus.

"I should still dock his pay for dragging you into that kind of situation," Mal said.

River frowned at him. "Didn't drag me. He didn't want me to come, I had to talk him into it. I'm not a child, Mal. I make my own decisions."

There was a flicker of something in his mind and she pulled a face at him. "No, I'm not going to start having sex with Jayne."

"I should gorram well hope not," Mal said fervently. "I still need him on this crew, and he'll have a hard time pulling jobs once your brother and I kill him."

River rolled her eyes at him. "If he needed killing, I could do it myself. But he's not interested in me. I still scare him. And I'm not interested in having sex with him. He's _Jayne_."

"Can't argue with that," Mal said and cleared his throat. "Well, this discussion has been – enlightening, not to mention deeply disturbing, and I think you should go to bed and sleep it off now."

River blinked at him. "You think I'm drunk?"

"I ain't ruling out the possibility," Mal said. "Two's enough when you ain't used to it. Just takes a while to kick in, sometimes."

River got to her feet experimentally, and blinked again to discover that her balance was slightly impaired. She touched the back of her chair to steady herself.

"All right?" Mal asked.

"Your observation might not be completely inaccurate," River admitted grudgingly.

Mal chuckled. "Yeah, it's been known to happen from time to time. Come on, then, River, let's go. And you remember what I said about future experiments, dong ma?"

"No drinking alcohol or getting in bar brawls without being accompanied by a responsible adult, which doesn't include Jayne," River said dutifully.

Mal took her arm to escort her down the stairs, his amusement carrying through loud and clear, warm and bright and more intoxicating than the alcohol. "Exactly right."

* * *

Jayne was just thinking about sharpening his knives when Crazy appeared in the kitchen doorway.

"Need you to look after Sying," she announced.

"Why?" Jayne asked warily.

"Zoe and I have something to do," Crazy said. "And Simon and Kaylee are having sex."

Jayne grinned at that. Good on little Kaylee.

"What about Mal?" he asked, then looked around nervously. The captain's mood had improved a sight over the past few days, but Jayne still wasn't all that eager to attract his attention. He had a notion that Mal wouldn't like the fact that he'd let Crazy tag along the other night, even though Jayne wasn't her keeper. He'd be just as happy if the captain didn't find out.

"He's stocking up on supplies," Crazy said.

Well, that was something to look forward to. Maybe there'd be something decent for dinner for a change.

"Fine," he agreed at last. "But I ain't doing nothing with him. Set him down in here and I'll make sure he don't get in trouble."

Crazy beamed at him in that feng-le way of hers and vanished. Jayne glared after her and made himself a cup of tea.

Zoe came in a few minutes later with Sying on her hip, Crazy hovering behind her. "You sure you can handle this, Jayne?" Zoe asked.

"Ain't like there's much of him to handle," Jayne said, a bit insulted by the doubt she was trying to hide with her poker face. "And ain't like he's the first kid I've had to handle, neither."

"Big brother," Crazy said slowly, in that creepifying way she had when she was seeing something in your mind. "Helped to raise the younger kids."

"Six of 'em younger'n me," Jayne confirmed, reaching out to take the squirming bundle of kid from Zoe.

Zoe actually looked slightly impressed, which was hard enough to achieve that Jayne couldn't help but feel proud.

"Thanks, Jayne," Zoe said. "We'll be down in the cargo bay if you need us."

"Whatever," Jayne said, and settled Sying more carefully on his knee.

Thing was, babies at this age were ruttin' boring. After a couple of minutes, Jayne set aside his mug, put Sying down on the floor, and fetched his knives from his bunk. Only took a moment and the kid was still gurgling away when he got back, so no harm done, right?

He spread his knives out on the table; then, in a fit of conscience, he picked the baby back up and sat him on his knee again.

"Need to wait a few years till we can start teaching you to use these," he told Sying. "But hell, you're Zoe's kid, you'll get the hang of 'em soon enough. Still, can't hurt to start getting used to 'em early. Just don't go slicin' your fingers open, or your mother'll have my balls, dong ma?"

Sying gurgled his agreement.

"Right, so, easy stuff first, since you ain't ever seen a knife up close before," Jayne went on. "That silver end – here, see? That's the blade. Other bit's the handle. The blade's mighty sharp, so you gotta be careful and always hold the knife by the handle, dong ma?"

Sying stretched out a hand, burbling away, but Jayne moved the knife out of reach. "Eager, huh? That's good, but we'll wait a few months before we let you touch 'em, okay? You just watch and listen for now."

Sying dozed off halfway through Jayne's explanation of the different types of knives and what they were used for, and Jayne concentrated more on sharpening them.

He didn't want to set the baby down and maybe wake him up again – he'd learned long ago that babies could be ruttin' loud when they woke up – so eventually he stood up, keeping a careful grip on Sying, and decided to see what Zoe and Crazy were up to.

He paused for a moment when he first heard the sounds coming from the cargo bay – had Crazy gone crazy again? But when he reached the catwalk, he didn't even try to stop the grin spreading across his face and he walked right forward to get a better look.

Well, weren't _that_ a sight.

Zoe and Crazy were fighting, sure enough, but apparently the girl hadn't gone crazy again, or no crazier than usual. They were sparring, and every so often they'd stop and run through a move more slowly or chat for a moment about how to deal with it.

Thing was, they were both damn fine-lookin' women. Not that Jayne was gonna do anything but look, because Crazy was crazy and Zoe was scary, and Jayne was pretty sure that Mal would finish off whatever bits of him were left over once they'd killed him. But that didn't mean a man couldn't look, right?

Look, and enjoy the hell out of the view.

"Can still kill you with my brain," Crazy called out, sing-song, without even slowing down.

Jayne grinned and sauntered slowly down the stairs, adjusting Sying carefully against his shoulder. "Can't blame a man for lookin'."

Zoe ducked River's punch and swept her leg out in a kick that had Jayne nodding in appreciation – both for the move and the way it showed off those legs of hers. "Think you'll find we can, Jayne. Take your looking elsewhere."

"Aww, c'mon," Jayne said as he reached the bottom of the stairs. "Ain't no harm in it. Anyway, how come I don't get a go? You two ain't never asked me to spar with you."

Zoe and River finally stopped, which was a crying shame if you asked Jayne. Crazy's face was mighty serious as she looked to Zoe. "Maybe we _should_ spar with Jayne. Wouldn't want him to feel left out."

Zoe raised her eyebrows, poker face in place, though Jayne had a bad feeling when she turned it in his direction. "Good point. The captain always says team spirit is very important."

Jayne frowned. "I ain't never heard him say that."

"Is Sying asleep?" Zoe went on, ignoring him. "Come on, you can put him down over here." She made a little nest out of her shirt, well out of the way, and Jayne set the kid down carefully.

"You think Jayne can handle both of us, River?" Zoe asked.

Crazy studied him in that unsettlin' way she had, her head tilted to the side. "No, but it might be fun anyway," she said.

"Hey," Jayne objected, insulted. "Just try me."

"All right," Zoe agreed. "No weapons, no injuries, and otherwise no holds barred, got it?"

Jayne grinned and tossed his shirt aside. "Oh, I got it."

Two minutes later, flat on his back, Jayne found himself reconsidering. Wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been the third time already. That was just ruttin' embarrassing.

"Think you need to spar with us more often, Jayne," Zoe said, reaching down to help him up. "I know you can handle yourself in a bar brawl, but you'd be humped if we ran into worse."

"The two of you against the one of me ain't hardly fair," Jayne grumbled.

"You two against me," Crazy suggested. "Good practice for me."

"Sure?" Zoe said. "All right, c'mon, Jayne, show us what you've really got."

Sparring against Crazy with Zoe on his side was a hell of a lot more fun. For one thing, Jayne wasn't spending all his time flat out on the ground. Zoe had apparently sparred with her enough to know what moves to expect, sometimes, and that was all manner of useful. And for all that Crazy could move in ways that would really tempt a man to muse on what she'd be like in bed – well, would if she weren't able to kill him with her brain... Anyway, for all that, Jayne was always gonna be stronger'n her, and if he got close enough to grapple, there was a good chance he could take her.

'Course, then she pulled some kind of crazy back-flip and was out of reach again, but give him time.

"Zhe zhen shi ge kuai le de jinzhan," a voice came from behind them. "What the hell's going on here?"

"Hello, sir," Zoe said, still moving forward to try to force River into Jayne's reach.

"Sparring," Jayne said with satisfaction. He lunged forward, but Crazy twisted away at the last moment. "Gorramit, girl, how the hell –"

"You think too loud," Crazy informed him, flashing a bright grin his way.

"Ruttin' _witch_ ," Jayne muttered.

"Hey," Mal said sharply. "Keep a civil tongue in your head, Jayne."

"Doesn't bother me," Crazy said before Jayne could protest. "Not meant as an insult."

"That ain't the point," Mal said.

Jayne wasn't paying him no more attention, though, 'cause at that moment Zoe finally managed to get a good hit in, giving him the chance to barrel into Crazy and pin her to the ground, Zoe sitting down on the girl's legs to keep her there. River went limp beneath them, laughing like a girl with a whole handful of strawberries.

"Nice work," Zoe said, moving off Crazy and standing back up, wiping the sweat off her forehead. She walked across the room and picked up Sying.

Jayne let Crazy go and got to his feet hastily. "Good fight," he said, grinning. As an afterthought he reached down and tugged her up as well.

"That was fun," Crazy said, still beaming.

"Well, heart-warming though it is to see my crew bonding like this," Mal said, "we're meant to be rendezvousing with Inara in three hours. These supplies ain't gonna store themselves, we need a course plotted, I want to know things are ship-shape in the engine room – so back to work, the lot of you."

"Yes, sir," Zoe said, already moving. "I'll check in with Kaylee."

"I'll start the calculations," Crazy said, dancing off towards the steps up to the bridge.

That left Jayne with the supplies, of course, but hell, wasn't so bad, and meant he got a preview of what they had on board now. He whistled as he worked – at least until Mal came up next to him, ten minutes in, and asked in an alarmingly level voice, "Do I need to have words with you on the subject of River?"

Jayne scowled. "Hell, you heard her, Mal. She don't mind if I call her a witch sometimes."

"Not what I was referring to, as it happens," Mal said, and suddenly he was in front of Jayne, looking at him with that expression that said he'd space Jayne if he had to. "Do we need to have words on what will happen if you lay a finger on her?"

Jayne felt his jaw drop. "We was fighting!" he objected. "Ain't nothing wrong with that – she and Zoe do it all the time, seems like, so if you were gonna accuse anybody – not that that ain't a pretty picture, mind you –"

"Jayne," Mal warned impatiently.

"Come on, Mal," Jayne groaned. "Don't matter how pretty she's gone an' grown up, she's still gorram feng-le. I got _standards_ , you know."

Mal made a sound a bit like he was choking, but that scary expression of his had faded. "Standards. Right. Good."

Sometimes, Jayne thought, turning back to his work now Mal seemed done getting up in his face, the captain could be just as feng-le as Crazy herself.

* * *

River was on the catwalk up above the cargo bay when Mal and Inara came down from the kitchen.

"...honest job, shouldn't be no problem," Mal was saying, but he broke off as they approached her. "There something wrong with the floor, River?"

River smiled down at them from where she was balanced on the railing. "Don't worry. Zoe took Sying with her when she went shopping." She tried to avoid doing anything like this in front of Sying. The ship was a dangerous enough place for a little boy without him getting any ideas about trying to climb up on rails over sharp drops.

Inara was frowning faintly in confusion, but Mal had understood. "Glad to hear it, but right now it's your safety I'm worrying on. Not to mention the mess it'd make if you fell and smashed your skull. I sure as hell wouldn't be cleaning it up."

"Neither would I," River pointed out brightly.

Inara cleared her throat. "I need to go if I don't want to be late. I hope your job goes smoothly."

"I hope yours does too," Mal said. "Or, well. I suppose smooth ain't exactly what you want, is it? Bumpy, would that be better? Grind-y?"

But there was nothing biting in his voice or his thoughts, and Inara was clearly aware of that. Her own mind was full of a kind of relief; an awareness that if Mal could joke about her work again, things were getting back to normal between them.

"Good _bye_ , Mal," she said, her tone fond and exasperated. "See you in a few days, River," she added with a smile in River's direction, and headed off towards her shuttle.

Mal leaned against the railing next to River, looking down over the cargo bay. "There some reason you're up there, darlin'?"

"Restful," River said. "It's a different kind of concentration."

"Huh," Mal said. "Guess I'll take your word for it."

River tilted her head. _Like this_ , she thought to him, and when he jolted and looked up at her, she shared the feeling with him: being present and grounded in her body, the hyperawareness of every tiny shift it made, the thin edge of danger and the sure knowledge that she was equal to it.

Mal exhaled slowly. "Huh," he said again, thoughtful this time. _Reckon I can see why you enjoy it, then_ , he thought back. "Don't think that means I'll be coming up to join you, though."

"That's okay," River said, and flipped over and onto the catwalk, one-two-and-straighten, her dress swirling around her. "I'll join you instead."

"Mighty kind of you," Mal said, looking away from her at last to gaze out across the cargo bay. "I –" He broke off at the sound of Inara's shuttle detaching, and River felt his realisation that he'd been so distracted by their conversation he'd forgotten Inara was leaving to work in another city for three days. And even now, the knowledge of what she was doing didn't really hurt. At some point over the past few months the pain had slipped away, leaving only a faint sadness behind.

They'd broken up nine months ago, but now it was truly over.

River didn't often feel like she was eavesdropping in Mal's mind. Everyone on the crew knew that she was a reader, and they also knew she couldn't shut out or control what she heard. They accepted it and for the most part just didn't think about it. Mal was different; he knew and remembered, even made her feel welcome in his thoughts. Right now, though, she felt guilty, like his thoughts ought to be private.

She didn't say anything, just leaned against the railing next to him, his shoulder warm against hers.

"Sorry," Mal said quietly. "You're probably gettin' all of this again."

River shook her head fiercely. "Shouldn't apologise. Not for thinking, not for feeling. You never make me apologise for it. You're allowed to be sad."

Mal acknowledged that with a tilt of his head. "Funny thing, though. It ain't the fact that it's over that makes me sad now. It's that it don't even hurt any more. And that don't make a lick of sense, but..."

"Healing is complicated," River sighed, staring down over the cargo bay. "Not always logical."

"Ain't that the truth," Mal agreed ruefully.

They stood together in comfortable silence for a while, shoulders pressed together. Mal's thoughts drifted slowly away from Inara and on to the job they had lined up. A legal one, in this case: carrying cargo to a nearby moon. The take wouldn't be spectacular, but it would help to keep them flying.

"We should play a game!" Kaylee called up to them from the cargo bay below.

Jayne sat up from where he'd been lifting weights, wiping his brow. "Not a bad idea. I'll get the hoop down."

"Captain?" Kaylee called up, beaming hopefully.

Mal's thoughts ran quickly through the options, but they were still days away from needing to take on their cargo, so he had no real objections. "Why not. You know where the ball is?"

Kaylee cheered. "I'll get it!"

Mal grinned and turned to River. "You playing, darlin'?"

River smiled back, helpless to do otherwise with the warmth of Mal's mind all around her. "Of course." Then, mischievously, "Going to beat you today."

Mal's eyes glittered. "A challenge, huh? We'll just see about that, little albatross."

The teams shifted every time they played. Today, with Zoe away, River ended up paired with Jayne while Mal had Kaylee and Simon on his team. Simon still had a faint look of apprehension, but years of Kaylee insisting that he join in meant that he'd improved a lot.

"Right," Jayne said. "C'mon, Crazy. Let's show 'em how it's done."

"Bring it on, you two!" Kaylee called.

Mal caught River's eye, their challenge still glinting there, and threw the ball up in the air to start the game.

River always enjoyed their games. They were always fast-paced and no-holds-barred; they didn't bother with many rules. For her they were always a challenge: riding the others' excitement without losing herself to it, staying focused while keeping track of so many minds.

She and Jayne made a decent team these days, good enough to outweigh the other team's advantage of having an extra member. Months of Jayne starting to spar more regularly with her and Zoe had paid off; they tracked each other's position easily now, and Jayne didn't hesitate to toss the ball to her across the court where she was well-placed to leap up and hurl it through the hoop.

Kaylee and Mal cat-called; Jayne grinned and exchanged a high-five with her.

"Hope you enjoyed it, River, 'cause that was the last one you two are gonna score," Mal called out, retrieving the ball and throwing it to Kaylee, who was already off and running.

River beamed at him. "Not likely."

The game continued, full of laughter and playful accusations of cheating. River stole the ball from Simon, laughing at his call of "Brat!", and dodged away from Kaylee.

_River_ , Mal thought loudly, urgently, and River whirled to look at him across the court. Kaylee took the opportunity to steal the ball back from her, and Jayne groaned loudly and moved into position to defend the hoop.

"Cheating!" River accused Mal.

"Don't say nowhere in the rules that I can't think your name, darlin'," Mal said. "Besides, you just got through tellin' me I can think what I want." He was grinning at her.

"Such a cheat," River said, but she was grinning back. She loved that Mal wasn't afraid of her abilities, wasn't afraid to think for her to hear. Even if it did mean he was a complete cheat.

"Crazy! Heads up!" Jayne yelled, and River pivoted and leapt to catch the ball.

Mal was in front of her at once, trying to block her, and River tried ducking one way and then the other, laughing helplessly as he countered her each time. "Mal!"

"That all you got, darlin'?" Mal taunted, laughing as well.

By way of answer, River leaped into the air to throw the ball to Jayne. But Mal had seen that coming and jumped at almost the same moment, managing to get a hand up to send the ball off course. Kaylee, Jayne and Simon all rushed after it.

Mal had nearly knocked them both over by jumping so close to her, and he caught her arm now, steadying them both, still grinning at her. River couldn't stop laughing, giddy with everything, the warmth of his hand on her arm like a brand.

"Crazy, get your head in the gorram game!" Jayne yelled from across the cargo bay.

"You're distracting me again," River told Mal, unable to muster up any real accusation or tear herself away quite yet.

"Goes both ways, darlin'," Mal replied, still grinning. He released her arm at last, and River smiled at him a moment longer before shifting neatly out of the way to let the ball hit him in the head.

"Ow! Wo de ma he ta de fengkuang de waisheng dou," Mal cursed, and River laughed out loud and caught the ball, darting off towards the hoop again. She had a challenge to win, after all, and no power in the 'verse was going to stop her.

* * *

"You ready?" Zoe asked as Jayne emerged from his bunk. She had Sying on one hip and a gun strapped to the other. Jayne had a moment of nostalgia for his mother.

"Got my grenades packed," he answered. 'Course, they shouldn't need no grenades for a simple meeting, but Mal had pretty much given up on ordering him to leave them behind these days. 'Sides, you could never be too careful when it came to that qingwa cao de liumang Badger.

"Crazy coming with us?" he asked, glancing at the entrance to her bunk.

The girl could still make him all manner of nervous, but she'd been less crazy the past while. Jayne had gotten used to having her around on jobs while Zoe had been knocked up, at least right at the end. And since he'd started sparring with the two of 'em, he'd found it a sight easier to have her around without worrying she'd take a knife to him again. The girl could be damn useful to have around when she weren't in one of her feng-le moods. Way she could read folks' thoughts, that was still unsettling as all hell, but more than a few times they'd gotten paid because she saw the double-cross coming. Jayne's personal philosophy on life was that he'd tolerate damn near anything if it meant he got paid.

Come to think on it, Badger was just the sort of double-crossing hun dan it was handy having Crazy around for.

"For some reason, River wasn't all that desperate for the pleasure of Badger's company," Zoe said wryly. "She's staying here."

"We ready to go?" Mal asked, coming down the stairs from the bridge. He took in the sight of Zoe and her kid. "He been some kind of super-weapon all this time and I just never realised it, Zoe? Planning to get him to scream Badger into submission?"

"Tempting," Zoe said straight-faced. "Or then again I could just leave him with Kaylee and River."

Pity in a way – Jayne would like to see the look on Badger's face if Zoe walked in with her kid. That would be entertaining.

"We play this nice and civil," Mal reminded them as they left the ship and set off for Badger's office. "Badger says he's got a job for us, and since he's the one asking for us this should go smooth unless someone gets tetchy. So nobody get tetchy, we all clear on that?"

"Dialling down the tetchiness, sir," Zoe said.

Badger gave them the usual smirk that made Jayne want to punch him in the face, but he hadn't kept them waiting the way he usually did, so Jayne figured that whatever job he had lined up, he must _really_ want them for it. Maybe there were more cows that needed moving. Jayne had liked the cows just fine.

"Last time you had to infiltrate a fancy party, it went – well, actually it was a gorram disaster, but since it worked out in my favour anyway I'll generously overlook that," Badger said.

"There someone else who won't deal with you that you want me to hook?" Mal asked.

Badger smirked. "Not exactly, not this time. This party's being held at a museum. To raise funds, see? I reckon you should be able to slip away for a bit and... _liberate_ one of the exhibits. A necklace. I got a buyer lined up, special request. And the buyer even got their hands on a pair of tickets for me. 'Course, as an upstanding member of society, I ain't about to risk using them myself."

"Security?" Mal asked.

"Plenty," Badger said, "but mostly outside. Once they're in, the lords and ladies are generally considered above suspicion. So you'll need to look as fine and fancy as you can. That other woman on that crew of yours, she should be fine enough to make even you seem respectable."

Jayne could see Mal's face tighten; he had a thing about not including 'Nara on jobs most of the time, even though it'd been a year now since she and him had stopped doing the nasty and she'd gone back to whoring.

"Assuming she'll be seen on your arm, that is," Badger went on slyly. "Dyton women, they usually got higher standards than that."

_Oh_ , Jayne realised, and grinned. _Guess he don't mean 'Nara after all_.

Judging by the way Mal was frowning, he'd figured out that much but had no clue who Badger did mean.

Zoe cleared her throat. "Badger met River once when he came on board, sir. They..." She paused for a split-second before continuing, "...bonded over the fact that they're both from Dyton."

"Did they, now," Mal said doubtfully. "Well, that's heart-warming."

"River, huh? Damn fine woman," Badger said. "Surprised she's stayed on a crap boat like yours this long."

"Well, we're just full of surprises round here," Mal said with a quick glare in Zoe's direction.

"Anyway," Badger said, "you two pass yourselves off as Lord and Lady La-Di-Da and take these two along as bodyguards. That gets four of you in, should be more'n enough."

"We'll work out the details," Mal said. "What's this necklace look like?"

Badger handed him a data pad. Mal studied it, then handed it to Jayne. It was a powerful ugly piece of gou-shi, but probably the kind of ugly that was worth a bundle, and hell, wasn't like he had to wear it. He handed the pad back, and Mal passed it on to Zoe.

"Once you get your hands on it, you'll need to figure out how to get it out," Badger said. "But that's your problem. You can meet me here –" He took the data pad back from Zoe and punched a button, pulling up a map. "I'll expect you before dawn, for preference."

"We aim to please," Mal said drily and headed for the door without another word. Jayne and Zoe followed.

"What in the gorram sphincter of hell is this about him thinking River's from Dyton?" Mal demanded as soon as they were clear. "For that matter, what the hell happened to make him remember her in the first place? That must've been two years ago or longer."

"She can be plenty memorable when she wants," Jayne muttered. There'd been that time she'd slashed his chest open, just to pick an example completely at random.

"River came in while Badger was on board, sir," Zoe said. "She mimicked his accent, well enough to fool him, at least. She insulted him to his face and wandered off again. I think he took a liking to her."

"Wo de tian, a, " Mal muttered.

"Would have made a real good distraction for us to get the drop on Badger," Jayne said. "'Cept for the part where it distracted us too."

Back on the ship, he stowed his hardware away and went to find a drink. Mal was busy explaining the job to the others.

"Four of us go in," Mal said, "two of us as Lord and Lady... Martinsons," he added, frowning down at the fancy gold-edged invitations, "and two as bodyguards. We slip away from the crowd and find our way to the right display, help ourselves to the necklace, and leave early."

"I can't help you with this job," Inara said, looking worried. "I'm sorry, I know too many of the people who'll be there –"

"Of course not," Mal interrupted. "Wouldn't work anyway. You think you could help River dress up like a lady, though?" He looked at Crazy. "You feel like coming along and dancing with me, darlin'?"

"Supposed to get down on one knee when you ask someone to be your wife," Crazy told him seriously.

Jayne couldn't help but grin at the way Mal choked. Moments like this, Jayne didn't care how feng-le she was, having her on board was worth the risk.

"We'll go and get to work," Inara said, laughing at Mal as well. "Kaylee, do you want to come and help? Zoe?"

Zoe waved her off. "Maybe later."

Kaylee was beaming with enthusiasm, though. "This is gonna be fun."

Crazy didn't much look like she agreed, but she let Kaylee drag her out of the room towards 'Nara's shuttle.

"Right," Mal said, clearing his throat. "Zoe, Jayne, you'll need to pass for fancy bodyguards. Concealed weapons only, smart clothes. That means your suit, Jayne."

_Zaogao_. Jayne was liking this job less and less.

* * *

River had already decided she didn't like this job, and standing awkwardly in the middle of Inara's shuttle while Kaylee looked through Inara's dresses was doing nothing to change her mind.

"Stupid plan," she muttered aloud.

"No stupider than a lot of Mal's plans," Inara said, her smile amused and fond. She and the captain were getting on better again these days. River was glad, but it didn't make her any happier about Inara and Kaylee dressing her up like a doll.

"Lies and painted faces," she muttered, but let Kaylee pull a dress over her head. Looking down confirmed that she looked just as ridiculous in it as she'd expected, a crazy girl dressing up in a Companion's finery. "Won't work."

"If we put your hair up and put some make-up on –" Kaylee started to protest, though she sounded less than convinced herself.

"You're right, River," Inara said, and whisked the dress back off her. "Come here for a moment."

River sat awkwardly on the cushion opposite Inara as Kaylee busied herself with quietly hanging the dress back up.

"Do you want to be involved in this job?" Inara asked her seriously. "Because if you don't, you can tell Mal that. He'll find another way to do it."

River shook her head and looked down, somewhat ashamed. "Too young to pass as a bodyguard. Have to play the lady or stay behind." She paused, then finished, "Don't want to stay behind."

"But you're not comfortable with the idea of looking like a lady," Inara observed kindly.

"I'm _not_ a lady," River said. "Dress me up like a doll and I just look like a doll. It's smoke and mirrors, deception and lies, it's all superficial and pointless and I _hate_ it."

She felt better for having said it, though she was uncomfortably aware that she was being rude.

"You're not wrong," Inara said, to her surprise. "If you just dress someone up, then they look like a doll dressed up and it's not convincing. Superficial things never are. To convince people that you're a lady, it can't be an act." She stood up and extended a hand to River. "Come over here a moment, mei-mei."

Inara had a full-length mirror covered by a throw in one corner, and she led River over to it. She caught River by surprise by not pulling the throw off immediately, but instead slipping out of her own dress, leaving her only in her undergarments, like River.

Inara uncovered the mirror and stood in front of it herself. "Do I still look like a lady to you?"

River nodded silently, intrigued despite herself.

"So it's not my dress," Inara said with a smile. She reached up and pulled a strategic pin out of her hair, letting it crash down around her, disordered and wild. "How about now?"

"Yes," River said.

"You have such beautiful hair, 'Nara," Kaylee said, watching from the side.

"Thank you," Inara said with a smile. "Could you pass me that cloth, please, Kaylee?"

Kaylee did, and Inara wiped her face clean of her make-up, then carefully removed her jewellery. "How about now, River?"

River studied her. All the trappings that Inara used to make herself look like a Companion were gone, but she still couldn't be mistaken for anything but a lady. "Yes," she said aloud, pondering the implications. "It's something inside you?"

Inara smiled at her. "That's right. Now, come here."

River let herself be drawn in front of the mirror, Inara close behind her, one hand warm on her shoulder.

"I don't look like a lady," River said, studying her reflection. She looked like herself, only ever looked like herself.

"Not yet," Inara agreed, before Kaylee could voice her instinctive, loyal protest. "And that's why you were right that just putting a nice dress on you wouldn't help. We need to show you how to look like a lady like this, first. The dress, your hair, make-up, jewellery – those can only build on what's already there."

River frowned. It made sense, but it really didn't bode well for the job.

"You were right that it comes from within," Inara said. "That's where all true beauty comes from. Kaylee can outshine a whole ballroom full of women with prettier dresses than her because she's a true beauty. You're beautiful too, but you don't seem conscious of it most of the time, and I don't think I've ever seen you use it." She ran a hand through River's hair, comforting and reassuring. "Did you ever fuss over your hair, or get excited about a pretty dress?"

"Used to," River admitted, barely audible, holding Inara's warm gaze in the mirror because it was easier than looking at her own reflection. "But then..." She trailed off, not sure she wanted to talk about it.

"Then came the Academy," Inara said softly.

"You're right," River said in a sudden rush of honesty. "People can be ugly even when they're pretty on the surface, I see all the ugly things inside their heads. And they can be beautiful even when they look ugly. And what's inside's so much more important, it's so stupid and petty to judge people on the superficial things. That's why I don't like to dress up, there's too much ugliness in me and papering over it with lipstick won't change that." She snapped her mouth shut, cutting off the rush of words, breathing hard.

Inara's hand was still warm on her shoulder, and her eyes were understanding. "You're right that judging by appearances is foolish," she said softly. "Most people can't see as deeply and as clearly as you, though, so the surface is all they have to go on, at least until they get to know people better. And the surface can give a lot of clues about the person below, even though it's never a full picture. Where you're wrong, though, is thinking that there's too much ugliness in your mind for you to be beautiful."

River frowned, but Inara went on before she could object. "Take Zoe, for example. Zoe's beautiful, isn't she?"

"Of course," River said at once. That had never been in question.

"Yes," Inara agreed. "But she hasn't always had it easy, and I'm sure there are things in her mind that some people would call ugly. She went through the war on the losing side, killed a lot of people and lost a lot of people."

"But beautiful things too," River objected. Inara was right, there were dark places in Zoe's mind, but she'd always lit up around Wash, and she was bathed in a softer light when she was with Sying. Then there was her loyalty to the captain, strong and unbreakable, and the steadiness of her confidence and self-assurance.

"Absolutely," Inara agreed. "And Mal's the same, isn't he?"

"Yes," River said. Mal was shiningly beautiful to her, lit up with his truth and the strength of his convictions; the independence he defended so fiercely and his loyalty to those he considered his.

"You're like that too, River," Inara said, still running gentle fingers through her hair. "Yes, there may be some dark things inside your mind, but there are beautiful things too. We see them, even if you don't." When River met her gaze, unconvinced, Inara went on, "Your loyalty to your brother – anyone can see that you two would do anything for each other. You love to fly, you always light up when you're flying Serenity. You care about the crew, all of us. You were a good friend to Zoe when she was grieving, and she trusts you in a way she doesn't trust very many people. You've been hurt, but you've picked yourself up and put yourself back together, and that strength is beautiful too."

River blinked at her, mesmerised. She could hear the sincerity in Inara's mind: she genuinely believed what she was saying.

"I could go on," Inara assured her, smiling, "but hopefully you take my point. You have beauty inside you too, River. We don't need to dress you up to make you beautiful. To make you fit in among all the other ladies in their finery, perhaps, but not to make you beautiful. Now, then. Look at yourself in the mirror, not me."

River obeyed uncertainly. This was Inara's area of expertise, she supposed, and the Companion had given her good advice before.

She still only looked like herself.

"You said that you feel ugly inside," Inara said softly. "When did you last feel beautiful?"

"Enlai made me feel that way," River admitted, suddenly shy. She'd told Inara that at the time, and she'd confided in Kaylee a few months ago about her time with Enlai – with strict instructions not to tell Simon – but it was still strange to talk about it.

"Close your eyes," Inara instructed her softly. "Try to remember the way that felt."

River did as she was told. It hadn't just been the way he'd touched her, she remembered, though that had been part of it, the way his fingers had traced along her skin like she was something precious. But more than that, it had been the awe in his mind, the way he'd looked at her and seen her as a girl from the stars.

He hadn't thought he was beautiful, hadn't thought he deserved her, and River remembered how horrified she'd been by that. Was that how Inara and Kaylee felt about her?

She pushed the thought away and focused on the memory of Enlai instead, the way he'd made her feel, the confidence that had filled her, the knowledge and delight of their encounter.

"Now open your eyes," Inara instructed softly.

River obeyed.

Her reflection still looked like her, but although it was impossible to pin down a single thing that was different, it had unmistakably changed. River stared. She looked like a different version of herself, somehow more focused, more... present.

She straightened unconsciously, raising her chin, and Inara gently guided her shoulders back.

River met Inara's eyes again in the mirror, mute with astonishment, and saw that Inara was smiling at her, genuine and admiring.

"You see, mei-mei?" she said, touching River's hair again.

"Yes," River breathed, staring at herself, and it felt like something that had long been fractured clicking back into place. It was the same feeling as dancing under the stars until she was dizzy, as whirling in a fight until none of her enemies were still standing, as making love with a good man who thought she was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen. She'd had that confidence once, carried it under her skin like a layer of flesh and muscle – but so many things had been stolen from her at the Academy that she hadn't even noticed this particular theft, not until Inara had helped her to recover what was hers.

"Thank you, Inara," she said softly.

"My pleasure and my honour, mei-mei," Inara said, smiling at her with shining sincerity. "Now, let's try the dresses again, shall we?"

River was able to take more of an interest in the dresses now, vetoing several as too constrictive if she had to fight. And, tentatively at first, but with growing confidence as Inara listened to her views, also on the grounds that she didn't enjoy the feel of certain fabrics against her skin, or didn't like certain colours or styles.

"But it's beautiful on you!" Kaylee protested, admiring the red dress River was currently modelling, her thoughts envious but ungrudging.

"It is," Inara agreed, "but if it's not to your taste, River, take it off and we'll try another. It's a personal thing, and we want something you feel beautiful in, that you can carry off with confidence, not something you'll feel self-conscious in. How about blue? You have that lovely dark blue dress, it's a good colour on you."

And once the dress issue was settled to everyone's satisfaction, Inara and Kaylee pulled up her hair, pinning it up in a way that, according to Inara, drew the eye to the line of her neck. Inara kept her make-up subtle, to River's relief – she still couldn't help but feel it was like painting a doll – and then drew her back over to the mirror again.

"Take a look," Inara said, smiling.

River took in her appearance. She could pass for a lady like this, she realised. She could still feel that confidence settling into place beneath her skin, and it was subtle but powerful, the way it transformed how she looked, far more than the dress and the make-up.

She smiled at her reflection, tentative and shy, and the woman in the mirror smiled back at her.

* * *

Damn, but Crazy looked different all dolled up like that.

Jayne was careful not to look too long – not that he was worried about the way the doctor was glaring at him, but he took the threatening look Mal had given him earlier a mite more seriously. Though maybe he shouldn't, what with the way Mal hadn't managed to tear his eyes away from Crazy ever since she'd walked in, which was all kinds of amusing. Still, Jayne couldn't blame him. A man couldn't help but appreciate the sight.

She seemed to have her head screwed on the right way tonight, too, which was just as well. Jayne supposed she'd probably had practice acting like a proper lady when she was a kid, coming from a rich Core planet. Crazy swept Mal along with her hand on his arm, dropping slight curtsies and smiles to the other folks there as if she'd known 'em all her life.

"We should wait a few more minutes before we slip away," Mal muttered under his breath as they stopped on the edge of the room.

They'd discussed that before they'd left the ship, a lecture that had also involved some strong words on the subject of not touching any alcohol. Not that Jayne needed telling – it was all sparkling landan jiang, anyway, not proper alcohol at all.

"My lady," Mal said, bowing to River, "would you care to dance?"

Crazy smiled and curtsied and the two of them stepped out onto the floor, joining the other couples.

_Huh_ , Jayne thought, watching them go through the stiff, formal motions of what passed for dancing among rich folks. "You don't think Mal's getting soft on her, do you?" he asked Zoe.

Zoe chuckled. "Not everyone thinks dancing's a prelude to other things, Jayne."

Jayne took exception to that. Dancing wasn't a prelude to other things. He'd never had to dance with a woman to get her to come to bed with him. Or out the back of a bar. Or anywhere else, for that matter. Before he could inform Zoe of that, however, he caught sight of Crazy collapsing into Mal's arms, to general gasps of concern from the surrounding couples.

Jayne and Zoe pushed through the crowd to where Mal was holding River tight to stop her from landing on the floor. "My wife seems to have been taken ill," he was saying, and there was a frantic edge in his voice that made him sound genuine. "Is there somewhere she could lie down for an hour or so until she recovers...?"

And that was how they found themselves being escorted deeper into the building and shown into a staff room of some kind, with a sofa and, Jayne noted approvingly, a lock on the door.

"Thank you," Zoe said, firmly escorting their well-wishers out of the room as Mal lowered River down to lie on the sofa. Zoe closed the door in their faces, and Crazy sat up immediately, head tilted to the side.

"They're leaving," she whispered.

" _I_ could've told you that," Jayne muttered, listening to the sound of footsteps moving away.

"And there's no one on the floor above us," Crazy added, ignoring him.

...Fine, so admittedly Jayne couldn't have told them _that_.

"Right, then," Mal said. "Jayne, lock that door. Zoe, you got our weapons?"

Mal and Crazy hadn't been able to wear weapons coming in – that was what rich folks had bodyguards for, apparently – so Zoe had packed a few extra guns for them. When Jayne turned back from locking the door, River had done something to pin the long skirts of her dress up out of the way, leaving her legs bare beneath a much shorter underskirt, with a gun strapped to one thigh.

_Gorram, Crazy really did grow up just fine_ , Jayne thought, impressed despite himself. He barely managed not to wince when she raised her head to look in his direction. The thing about Crazy was that, no matter how fine she'd grown up looking, and no matter how much he liked good-looking women who knew how to handle a gun, Jayne could still remember the way she'd told him _I can kill you with my brain_ , and he'd never quite shook off the bone-deep certainty that it was the truth. She was damn useful on the job, and some of the feng-le things she said were funny, but it was a damn sight safer not to dwell too long on the way her legs looked or what it would be like to crawl in between those thighs while she was wearing that holster. Not to mention that even if she didn't kill him, Mal sure as hell would.

Crazy smiled at him in a way that said she knew _exactly_ what he was thinking, then turned her attention to stepping onto Mal's hands, reaching up to grab the air-conditioning grate and pass it down to them. A moment later she was pulling herself up into the vent.

It was tighter than a virgin's ass when Jayne got up there himself, and he cursed under his breath until Mal ordered him to shut up. Still, just a few minutes later they were letting themselves into a room on the floor above, and Jayne heaved a sigh of relief.

Zoe took point as they headed out into the main part of the museum and led the way towards where the display with the necklace was supposed to be. Jayne hung back to make sure no one was gonna sneak up on them.

"Here," Zoe said quietly, and they gathered round the case.

The necklace looked just as ugly in real life as it had in the image Badger had shown them, but it also looked like it was worth a whole pile of money, and Jayne could take a shine to anything that was true of.

"The case is alarmed," Mal muttered. "Badger might have thought to mention that."

Jayne snorted his opinion of that. The day Badger was all forthcomin' and helpful was the day Jayne'd walk off the job, 'cause it would surely mean they were about to get pinched by the feds.

Anyway, didn't look like it was much of a problem. Mal was already dismantling the case piece by piece, reaching for tools as he needed them. At one point River silently handed him a pin from her hair when Mal couldn't find a pick the right size.

All in all, the job was going far too damn smooth, Jayne thought. Still, wasn't like he was complaining, especially not when they managed to get the necklace without setting off any alarms, managed to put the case back together again so it wouldn't be noticed immediately, managed to slip back through the vent to the room, and managed to do so before anyone broke in or noticed they'd been gone.

"Well, then," Mal said, passing his gun back to Zoe. "If you're feeling better, my lady, how about we go back out there?"

Zoe coughed discreetly. "You might want to readjust your dress first, River."

"No need on my account," Jayne said, taking a good long last look.

Mal's black glare wasn't a fraction as worrying as River's raised eyebrows.

* * *

River offered people a wan smile as they passed through the crowd, trying to look like a woman who'd just recovered from a fainting fit and wanted to return home at once. She held tight to Mal's arm.

It had been nice dancing with him again, although River was less fond of the highly formal dances at events of this kind. Dances like that were one thing with Inara, who filled them with her own knowledge and appreciation of the history and tradition surrounding them, but at a party like this it felt like people were going through the motions, and River hated that.

She accepted people's well-wishes with as much grace as she could muster, letting Mal steer her towards the exit, until someone stepped out of the crowd ahead of them and caught her eye.

River stopped dead.

It wasn't his appearance which alerted her: he was dressed no more or less finely than the rest of the crowd, and his features were simply normal, vaguely familiar but nonetheless someone she might have passed by without recognising.

But his mind was knowing and known.

"Kuen," she whispered, then gasped as his mind attacked hers.

It was like a whirlwind opening up around her, blinding her to the room, with nothing left but the feeling of him forcing his way into her mind and rifling through it, searching, searching –

_Kuen!_

_So good of you to remember_ , he thought bitterly. _Did you ever think of any of the rest of us?_

He dug deeper into her mind, reaching for her memories of the ship, her brother, the crew, Mal, and River didn't know how to fight back, couldn't find a way to stop him.

She caught some memories from him too as he tore through her, terrifying in their implications.

_Paying a kid to paint 'mission' on the wall opposite her ship, watching from a distance as she collapsed, and knowing that at least part of her conditioning survived._

_Watching through a telescopic lens as she took the shot at the thug he'd hired, and knowing that her aim was as true as ever, that she might not carry a gun but she no longer hesitated to use one._

_Listening to her mind from the other side of the village as she lost her virginity, her mind singing with pleasure and happiness, whole in a way that made something twist inside him, and he'd waited until she was off-world again before killing the boy she'd taken to bed, even though it wasn't in his orders._

The shock and horror threw River back to herself, and she realised Mal's hand was clamped on her arm, that she'd slumped to the floor for real this time. Mal was staring down at her, his eyes narrow with alarm.

She pushed into his mind for just a moment. _Get out of the world, don't let me wake up, keep me asleep until we're as far away as we can get!_

Then she raised her head just enough to give herself room to smash it hard against the fl-

* * *

_Great ruttin' time for Crazy to go crazy again_ , Jayne thought, following Mal and Zoe out of the building.

"Keep an eye out that we're not followed," Mal snapped. He was holding River in his arms, her skirts trailing, and looking more pissed off than Jayne had seen him in a long while.

Luckily the mule was hidden nearby, and Zoe jumped behind the wheel. Mal nodded to Jayne to get in beside her, and loaded River into the back himself, leaping up next to her.

"Which way, sir?" Zoe asked, already throwing the mule into motion.

"Drop-off point," Mal said tersely. "We do this as fast as we can, then get back to the ship."

Worked for Jayne, though he wasn't too sure Badger would agree.

It was a burden, being right so much of the time. Badger frowned when he saw River slumped in the back of the mule. "Trouble?"

"None worth mentioning," the captain said. "We got your shiny necklace. Zoe?"

Zoe unbuttoned the high neck of her jacket to reveal the necklace and reached up to unclasp it.

"If it all went so smooth, how come she's unconscious?" Badger demanded, looking back to Crazy again. "If this is hotter than it's meant to be –"

"We gave her something to make her pass out," Mal said. "Good excuse for leaving the fund-raiser early. Should wear off soon enough. It's nothing that can lead back to you."

Badger frowned at Crazy a moment longer, then shrugged and pulled out a little pouch that jingled just the way Jayne liked to hear. "Zoe."

Zoe caught it as he threw it, and tossed him the necklace in return. Badger examined it for a second then stuck it in his pocket, seemingly satisfied. "Pleasure hiring you again, Mal."

"Pleasure was all ours," Mal said with no sincerity whatsoever, already getting back on the mule. "Let's go."

Ten minutes later they were back at the ship, and Mal carried Crazy to the infirmary, dumped her on the bed, and headed straight for the bridge.

Jayne hung around the infirmary for a moment, just long enough to enjoy the doctor's furious tirade about Crazy having been hurt on the job and the fact that they'd gone ahead with the drop-off instead of bringing her straight back to the ship. Then Mal's voice came over the intercom, clipped and furious, "We're in the air in two minutes, you had better gorram well all be ready," and Jayne decided to follow Zoe up to the bridge and find out what the hell was going on.

Inara had evidently had the same idea, as the three of them converged on the bridge at the same time to find Mal in the pilot's seat, already taking the ship up and out of atmo.

"Mal, what in Buddha's name _happened_?" Inara asked, holding on to the doorframe to keep her balance as the ship rocketed upwards.

"Looking forward to finding that out my own self," Mal muttered. "Zoe, 'Nara, can one of you start plotting out a new course. As far below the radar as you can get us, and as far away from Persephone."

"It was that man, the one staring at River, wasn't it?" Zoe said, but she was already sitting down in the co-pilot's chair and pulling up charts. "You think he's coming after us?"

"I think it's likely," Mal said tightly.

"That guy?" Jayne said, thinking back, confused. True enough, Crazy had gone all to pieces when she'd seen him, but hell, Jayne could have taken him with both hands tied behind his back. "He didn't look so dangerous."

"Neither does River," Mal bit out, and Jayne decided to keep his mouth shut for a while.

"First part of a course plotted, at least," Zoe said briskly, entering the data into the autopilot.

"Great," Mal said, and engaged the autopilot. He was up out of his seat and storming off the bridge before anyone could say anything, and Jayne followed along with the crowd after him.

Sure enough, Mal was heading back to the infirmary, and they all arrived in the doorway just in time to see Crazy wake up.

"River –" the doc started. He didn't get any further, though, because Crazy lunged up off the bed and started rummaging through a drawer.

"Not far enough, not far enough, not far enough –" she was muttering, just as agitated and crazy as she had been when she'd first come on board all those years ago. It was weird, Jayne admitted to himself. He called her Crazy, but seeing her like this made him realise that she'd actually been pretty sane for a long while now.

"Dope her," Mal said sharply.

The doc threw him an incredulous look. "I'm not about to –"

"Do it!" Mal and Crazy both yelled at the same time, which seemed to startle the doc enough to make him dig out some kind of drug. Crazy grabbed it out of his hands, jabbed it into her own neck and collapsed.

Mal caught her before she could hit the floor and laid her back down on the bed.

"What is going on?" the doctor demanded, furious.

"How long will that keep her out?" Mal asked.

"Maybe three hours – tell me what's going on!" the doctor said.

Mal let out a breath and led the way out of the infirmary. "Is Kaylee here too?"

"Right here, Cap'n," Kaylee said nervously, walking in from the direction of the engine room. "What happened? We weren't planning on a fast take-off –" She broke off as she caught sight of Crazy in the infirmary. "Oh god, is River okay?"

"Everyone sit down," Mal said, rubbing his forehead. As everyone obeyed, he went on, "The job itself went smooth, no problems. We were on our way out of the party when River saw someone and then collapsed."

"Saw someone?" Inara questioned.

"A young guy," Zoe supplied. "Nondescript looking. Can't say I'd have looked at him twice if it weren't for River's reaction."

"She called him Kuen," Mal said. He looked at the doc. "Name mean anything to you?"

"No," the doc said, frowning. "Did he say something to set her off, or...?"

"Not out loud," Mal said.

Which was a weird way of putting it, Jayne reckoned, and it looked like the others thought so too.

"What do you mean, out loud?" Simon demanded.

"River came back to herself for a second after she collapsed," Mal said. "And she..." He hesitated for a moment, rubbing at his head. "She spoke into my mind."

Everyone stared at him.

"What, so now you're a psychic too?" Jayne demanded. _That_ was one hell of a scary thought. Mal was gorram tricky enough to work for without him reading Jayne's mind too.

"No, Jayne," Mal said heavily. "I ain't a reader. But River – she can put thoughts into people's minds. She's spoken to me in my mind a couple of times now."

The thought of Crazy putting thoughts into his mind was even creepier than the thought of Mal reading his mind, but before Jayne could say as much, the doc asked, "What did she say?"

"She said to run as far as we could, as far under the radar as we could, and to keep her out until we were well away," Mal said. He hesitated, then went on, "She wasn't – focused. I could... hear him in her mind."

"What do you mean, you –" the doc started.

"I mean what I'm telling you," Mal said sharply. "He was inside her mind, that's all I know. I could hear him. He was a psychic. Then she knocked herself out. I'm assuming that's why she wanted to be doped a few minutes ago, too – she's not out of range of his mind yet." 

"Do we know who he is?" Inara asked.

"A reader, and about River's age," Zoe said slowly. She looked at Mal, then at the doc. "The Academy she was at – she wasn't the only kid there, I'm guessing."

"You know anything about that?" Mal asked Simon.

The doctor frowned. "The contacts who helped me get River out said they thought there might be about ten students there, but they weren't sure how accurate that figure was. You think this... Kuen might have been one of the others?"

"I'm guessing River will be able to tell us when she wakes up," Mal said. "Until then there ain't much we can do."

* * *

River woke up slowly, her brain processing all the information flooding in.

She was in the infirmary. Simon, Kaylee and Mal were all there. Her mind was...

...confused, disordered, and then it all came flooding back to her, the way Kuen had ripped through her mind and her memories, and she drew in a sharp breath.

"You need another sedative, or are we far enough away for you to wake up now?" Mal asked from the foot of the bed.

"River, how are you feeling?" Simon asked, shooting Mal a glare.

"Don't feel him any more," River said slowly, sorting through her senses. "But can't be certain. He can lie with his mind." She rubbed at her eyes.

"Much though I'd like to give you a chance to recover, darlin'," Mal said, and the warmth of the concern in his mind was a steadying force, "we need to know what we're dealing with here."

The others were filing in through the doors now, the infirmary starting to get crowded. River pulled herself up into a sitting position, then drew her knees up close to her chest.

"His name is Kuen," she said. "You already worked out that he was at the Academy too."

"Is he dangerous?" Inara asked.

River looked at her, then down at her knees. "Would you consider me dangerous?" She went on before anyone could say anything to that. "Yes. I was better than him, but he didn't have a Simon. He was trapped there, and they worked on him for longer, took him apart and put him back together again and again and –"

She forced herself to break off and breathe. _Take a deep breath, River. Ain't no rush._

"What does he want?" Zoe asked quietly.

"Me," River said. "He wants me to return to the Alliance. To become like him, do their bidding like a puppet, dancing to their tune." She looked up, feeling desperation clawing its way up in her. "I don't want to, I don't want – please –"

"Ain't nobody gonna make you do anything, darlin'," Mal told her. "We're under the radar now, and we'll stay that way as long as it takes."

"Won't work," River said dully, looking down at her knees again. "He'll find me."

"We'll be ready for him if he does," Mal said firmly.

River considered that, but she could see Mal's own doubts about their ability to handle someone with her abilities if that person wanted to take them on. And he was right, she knew. The only hope was to keep Kuen from finding them.

"Simon," she said, "need you to start giving me medication again."

Simon frowned at her. "What do you –"

"You kept records," River said without looking at him. "Find the combination that left me the fuzziest, the most confused. Then give me it."

"River, no," Simon objected firmly. "I'm not going to give you any medication that isn't good for you –"

"What are you thinking, little albatross?" Mal asked more reasonably.

River didn't look up. "If my mind is foggy, he'll get lost in the mists, won't be able to find his way through to the information he wants. Protective measure."

"River, no," Simon said, his voice horrified.

"Simon, please," she whispered. "I need to do something. Need to find a way to keep him out..."

"Got to be a better way than that," Mal said. "Put that genius brain of yours to work, River. What other options can you come up with?"

River thought about it. She could try to find a way to defend her mind – but she didn't know how, hadn't learned the way Kuen apparently had, so the only options she could come up with were unconsciousness and drug-induced unawareness. She could hope they would stay far enough away from him to keep out of their combined mental range, but she didn't think it would take long for him to catch up.

That left one other option.

"I could go," she said softly. The more she thought about it, the more sense it made. Her mind shied away from the idea of fighting Kuen, but she could face him on territory of her choosing, at a time of her choosing. Draw him away from Serenity and her family. Keep the others safe.

"Go?" Simon and Mal asked sharply, in unison. "Go where?" Simon added.

"Leave," River clarified. "Draw him away. You'd all be safer. It's too dangerous having me on board."

It was a terrible thought, but there was a growing certainty in her mind that it was the only real option open to her. Leaving Serenity was... unthinkable, but if it would keep them all safe –

She was aware of Simon and Mal opening their mouths to argue – indeed, Zoe and Inara and Kaylee all were too – but Jayne got there first. "That's fei hua."

Everyone paused, open-mouthed, and Jayne carried on in the silence without noticing. "Might be dangerous having you on board, but ain't like we'd be living lives of milk and honey with you gone. You might save us from being killed by this hun dan, but then tomorrow we'd pull a job and not see the guy with the gun until we were bleeding out on the floor. You running off won't keep us safe." He paused, belatedly realising that everyone was staring at him, and glared round at them all aggressively. "What? What are you all lookin' at?"

Kaylee pecked him on the cheek. "That was a real nice speech, Jayne."

"Jayne makes a good point," Mal said, with an incredulous note of _can't believe I'm saying this_. "You running off ain't an option, River. You're part of my crew."

River lowered her head, but she could hear in their minds that they meant it. All of them.

Whatever it would take now to keep this, whatever she'd have to do – it would be worth it.


	5. Chapter 5

_Shhh_ , Serenity hummed. _Shhh, River_.

River listened. Lying on the catwalk above the cargo bay, she could feel the faint vibration passing through her body. It was the only thing that was real.

Everything else was fog and mists, filling up her mind and occasionally spilling out through her mouth. She had the vague feeling that she'd fought this, once. But not this time. She let herself sink deeper and deeper into the fog, let it fill her up until she couldn't see anything, couldn't feel anything. Nothing but the thrum of Serenity's engine.

A mind touched her own without warning, but River didn't fight it, too foggy even to make the attempt. It plunged deeper, then returned to the surface again, radiating irritation.

"Won't work," she whispered. "Hidden in the fog. You can't find anything."

_You're no use to anyone like this_ , Kuen told her. _And it's pointless, you know._

Silence descended in her mind once more, and River let herself drift, cradled in Serenity's embrace.

* * *

Sying squirmed in Kaylee's arms. "Go Riv'."

"No, sweetie, you can't go visit River right now," Kaylee told him, hugging him tighter in consolation. "Your aunt River isn't feeling well. Maybe later, okay?"

It had been three days since they'd left Persephone, and Kaylee had hated every minute. Simon had reluctantly given in and dosed his sister with the medication she'd demanded. It had taken effect pretty fast. That first night she'd gone real quiet. The next day she'd wandered Serenity like a ghost. This morning she'd lain down on the catwalk, off to the side and out of the way, and shown no signs of moving since.

It was like the bad old days, back when River and Simon had first come on board. Kaylee had almost forgotten how bad those days had been, had never really realised just _how_ much River had improved over the past few years.

"Kiss bett'," Sying objected.

Kaylee winced. "I don't think –"

"Oh, let him," Zoe said, coming up behind her. "Maybe it'll help, you never know. Come on, honey, let's go visit River."

Sying babbled excitedly and reached out to his mother. Zoe settled him on her hip – Sying wasn't ever allowed to walk on the catwalk by himself – and set off towards where River was lying.

Kaylee swallowed her concerns and followed.

"Hey, mei-mei," Zoe said, "someone here to see you."

It took forever for River to answer, but her eyes slowly blinked open. "Little star," she whispered.

Sying squirmed his way out of Zoe's arms and pressed a kiss to River's cheek, then lay down and cuddled into her. After a moment, River slowly curled an arm around him, stroking his hair.

"How are you doing?" Zoe asked quietly.

Again, River's response was slow in coming. "Lost in the fog. Hidden away where he can't find me."

Zoe nodded. "There anything we can do?"

River didn't answer, and after a minute her eyes drifted shut. Kaylee bit her lip unhappily.

Zoe shifted from her crouch to sit down properly on the catwalk. "I'll stay here a while and keep an eye on them," she told Kaylee.

"All right," Kaylee said. "Let me know if I can..." She trailed off helplessly.

Zoe smiled at her, understanding and warm. "I will."

Kaylee retreated slowly back along the catwalk and up into the kitchen, where Inara was making a cup of tea. Whatever Kaylee was feeling – and she wasn't sure she could put it into words herself – must have been written all over her face, because Inara came straight over and put an arm around her. "Come on, come and keep me company in my shuttle for a bit."

"All right," Kaylee agreed, and let Inara lead her along, her arm warm and comforting across her shoulders.

Inara's shuttle was as pretty and welcoming as ever, and Kaylee couldn't resist running her fingers across the fine fabric of the drapes that hid the walls. Inara's shuttle was a refuge, and as always Kaylee felt better just for being there.

Inara motioned for her to take a seat on the bed and moved gracefully around the room, lighting candles. "That's better," she said, smiling at Kaylee, and joined her on the bed.

"It's lovely," Kaylee said, but for once her heart wasn't in it.

Inara's face softened further and she reached out to touch Kaylee's hair. "I know you're upset about River. We all are. Even Jayne isn't happy," she said, her smile inviting Kaylee to share the joke.

"I know," Kaylee said, trying to muster up a smile of appreciation for the effort. "Simon's all in pieces. He's barely slept, he gets up to check on her every few hours."

"He's a good man," Inara said.

"He really is," Kaylee agreed wistfully, twisting her engagement ring around her finger. "I just wish I knew how to help him. And River too, of course. I just – feel so helpless."

"We all do, mei-mei," Inara said, stroking her hair comfortingly. "But I know you're helping Simon. He'd be lost without you. You don't need to do anything for him but be yourself – that's what he needs."

"You really think so?" Kaylee asked.

"I know so," Inara said with a smile. "As for River – I know you two are friends. I'm sure just having you around will help."

Kaylee looked down at the fine brocade of the bedspread. "I don't know what to say, though. And I hate seeing her like this. She was doing so well – before they left that night, when you talked to her, I really thought –"

"This won't last forever," Inara told her. "And River's strong. She has to be, to have gone through what she did and found her way back. I know it's horrible to see her like this, but once she comes back off the medication she'll be her usual self again in no time."

"I hope you're right," Kaylee said with a sigh.

"Simon wouldn't let her do it if he thought the medication was going to cause any kind of damage," Inara said. "It's the same things he was giving her before, after all, it's just that her needs have shifted. It won't harm her."

"He doesn't like it, though," Kaylee said. "He said for a short period of time it should be okay, but it could still – 'unbalance' her, was how he put it. I think he's only doing it because River and the captain both insisted."

"Like I said, River's strong," Inara repeated. "She's more balanced than her brother gives her credit for, I think – which is no criticism of him, but he probably can't help but compare her to how she was before, and I'm not certain that's the best yardstick. Anyway, River's smart enough to know what the best course of action is in this situation; she has a better idea of what this Kuen is capable of and what he wants."

"That's another thing I don't get," Kaylee said. She'd been wondering this for a few days now, but hadn't quite dared to ask anyone yet. "How come all this is even necessary? I mean, how do we know Kuen means to hurt River? If they were at this Academy together, surely..."

Inara was quiet for a moment before she spoke, her voice a little sad. "She escaped. And sometimes people resent those who escape something terrible that they didn't manage to get away from themselves." She looked back at Kaylee. "At any rate – River's a reader. If he didn't mean her any harm, I think she would know. And Mal seems convinced that his intentions are... not good."

Kaylee suppressed a sigh at the way Inara said Mal's name. She'd held out hope for ages that they'd get back together, despite Inara's quiet, firm insistence that things were better this way. But over the past six months, she'd seen how much satisfaction Inara was taking in her work, and the captain seemed happy again too – he'd even started joking about Inara's job again sometimes, and that was what had finally convinced Kaylee that they really weren't going to get back together. These days they seemed to be friends again, properly this time, and that was good, of course it was, but... Kaylee still couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed sometimes.

"Did the captain say anything else?" she asked. "If he told River to stop, she would, I'm sure, she listens to him..."

"He's not happy about it either," Inara said, "you know how fond he is of her. But he trusts her to know what she's doing. He thinks Kuen could be really dangerous. River told him a bit, before the drugs really took hold. I mean – imagine someone who can do the things River can do, someone controlled by the Alliance... It might be as bad as when the Operative came after us."

Kaylee shivered at the reminder, and Inara squeezed her hand in apology, her expression softening into a smile.

"I hope everyone's overreacting," Inara went on quietly. "But Mal doesn't want to take any chances, and that's why he's letting her do this. At least until we can figure out a better solution."

Kaylee sighed, playing with her engagement ring again. "I hope someone figures one out soon."

"Me too, mei-mei," Inara agreed, "me too."

* * *

_Grief/guilt/worry worry worry_ , beating at her mind. "Simon," River whispered and forced her eyes open.

Her brother was kneeling awkwardly beside her. "How do you feel, mei-mei?" he asked.

It took a moment for the question to work its way through the fog in her mind, and a moment longer for her to reach any kind of conclusion. "I don't," she answered finally. But even through the fog she could sense his incomprehension and the spike in his anxiety, so she tried to explain. "Wrapped up in cotton wool. I hear things but don't feel them. Everything's at a remove. Distant."

Simon nodded slowly. "Are you sure you want to keep taking the medication? You know you don't have to, River. The minute you say the word –"

"Necessary," River said tiredly.

"We'll find another way," Simon said, though at the same time he was saying _I can't stand seeing you like this again_.

With her mind filled with fog, it was hard to tell what people were saying aloud and what she was reading from their minds.

"Please, Simon," she whispered. "You think you're hurting me, but you're helping. You always help me. Know you'd do anything for me, but this is what I need."

Her brother closed his eyes. "All right," he said, quiet and pained, then took a deep breath and held out a syringe. "Time for the next dose, then."

She shut her eyes and let the fog close over her head once more.

She drifted for a long time, until she became aware of something – something bright and warm and content, a star beyond the fog. _Little star_.

"Sying," she whispered and forced her eyes open for a moment. The little boy was curled against her again, cuddled up close as if to keep her warm. It wasn't his physical presence that warmed her, though; it was his mind, trusting and open to her as always. And beyond him the cool certainty of Zoe's mind, her trust equally undiminished.

River smiled, letting the warmth buoy her as she slipped back into the fog.

"You awake, darlin'?" she heard an indeterminate length of time later.

It took her a moment to comprehend the meaning, not merely understand the words. "Yes and no," she sighed. "All the in-between spaces, that's where I am."

"Well, how's about you see about getting yourself to the kind of in-between space where you can eat some of this food?" Mal suggested.

River blinked open her eyes. He was crouched down beside her, watching her carefully, and when she met his eyes he rewarded her with the hint of a smile.

"Come on, sit up," he said, already reaching down to help her. "Kaylee made dinner, so it ain't half bad, but you let it sit much longer and it'll taste like we let Jayne loose in the kitchen again."

His hand was warm and strong against her back, and he kept it there, steadying, just like his mind.

She didn't really feel hungry, but she knew that wasn't an argument he was likely to accept, and he was right – she needed sustenance. She took the plate and slowly began to eat.

Mal stayed quiet while she ate, a warm, sure presence beside her. When she'd finally finished, he took the plate from her and set it aside, but made no move to stand up.

"Reckon you and I are overdue for a talk, darlin'," he said matter-of-factly.

"Kuen," she sighed out, and let her head tip over to rest on his shoulder. Mal was solid, Mal was real, even when the rest of the world wasn't.

Mal didn't object, just slung his arm around her back to hold her steady. "You told me the basics before. I need more'n that, though."

River took a moment to gather herself. She was feeling less foggy – she must be due to take another dose of the medication soon. And eating and sitting up for a while had probably helped – plus the warm proximity of Mal's mind, stabilising her the way he always did.

"I was the star pupil," she said quietly. "But they weren't finished with me when Simon got me out. Kuen was... We were..." It was frightening, trying to think back. That part of her mind wasn't safe, too many knives buried there, so River normally tried not to think about it at all. "They called him 'the second most promising subject'. After I escaped, they must have concentrated on him."

"So he can do the same things you can?" Mal asked, clarifying. "I know he's a reader – what else?"

River felt a shudder run through her, and Mal's arm tightened around her back. "Everything," she whispered. "He can fight like me, shoot like me. He can hear thoughts and he can – reach out. Like I do sometimes. Speak into people's minds. He can... he attacked my mind, ransacked my memories... Do other things too, maybe, things I don't know about..."

"All right," Mal said. "All right. So if he's set on causin' trouble, he's a danger. And you think he wants you to work for the Alliance? Do their bidding, you said before. You didn't exactly say what that would be, though I could hazard a guess."

She could hear those guesses in his mind, as clear as if he'd spoken them aloud. "Yes," she said softly. "Assassination, spying, theft – any of them, all of them. I don't know. There's a lot of uses they could put me to."

"I always knew you were a woman of many talents," Mal said with deliberate lightness, trying to distract them from the grim thoughts in both their minds.

River managed a half-smile for him.

"All right," Mal went on, "so they finished up with Kuen what they only started with you –"

"No," River said, forced to correct him, because it was important that Mal understand this. "Inaccurate. They almost finished with me. They were... the work was... well advanced." She looked down at her hands, fidgeting in her lap. "I'm more their puppet than not."

"Hey," Mal said sharply, and he was pulling away – but no, just pulling back, a firm hand under her chin forcing her to meet his eyes. "We've been over this before, you'n I. You're not a puppet, not a weapon. You're a person, and I've staked this ship and this crew on that time and again. And you ain't never proved me wrong."

River swallowed but held his gaze, because his eyes and his hands and his mind all demanded it. "Actual and whole," she murmured, repeating the words he'd said to her once before.

She was _present_ in the moment: the cool, reliable metal of Serenity's deck beneath her, the distant thrum of the engine, her hair tumbling back over her shoulders, Mal's hand sure and gentle under her chin, his mind equally sure and gentle all around her. She breathed it all in, the moment and his touch and his certainty.

"Right," Mal said and cleared his throat, his hand drifting away from her chin. There was a flash of – something in his mind, there and then suppressed too fast for her to comprehend in her current state. "So. They finished up with Kuen. Is that why he's only comin' after you now?"

River shook her head. "He's been keeping track of us," she admitted. "The past few years – it was him. I didn't realise, not until I saw him. He was testing me. Hired someone to paint 'mission' where I would see it, so he could see how much of my conditioning was still intact. Hired someone to try to kill me, so he could see how I would react, how I would fight, if I still could. He was on Aberdeen, too. I didn't realise..."

Mal frowned. "Aberdeen?" She could see him replaying the memory of the few days they'd spent there. "I don't remember –"

River shook her head again, tight and pained. "After we left. I – there was a boy there. Enlai." She paused at the shock that ran through Mal's mind, a useful distraction from the grief and horror she still felt.

"Go on," Mal said neutrally.

Too much to comprehend all at once, so River didn't try, just obeyed. "Kuen killed him after we left. I saw it in his mind on Persephone." She looked down at her hands again; it was easier than trying to meet Mal's eyes, for some reason.

"That wasn't a test," Mal said slowly, thoughtfully.

"No," River whispered. "That was – personal."

Whatever emotions Mal had been trying to suppress shifted abruptly, transmuting into a warm blanket of concern for her. "Why now, then?" he asked, deliberately shifting the conversation away from Enlai. "If he's gotten that close to us that often, he could've tried to take you before."

"Yes," River agreed dully. "I don't know. Orders, maybe, from whoever's pulling the puppet strings. Or maybe he just didn't know himself what he wanted. He... he wanted to escape too, back then. We both did, we all did. But he hates me for managing it, I think. I don't know. I don't know him any more. We're not the same people now."

Mal tucked a recalcitrant lock of her hair behind her ear, and River looked up, surprised, to find him studying her.

"So, are the drugs helping?" he asked.

"They make me feel foggy," River said. "Dull everything. He couldn't find what he was looking for in my mind."

"He reached you? He tried?" Mal asked sharply.

"Twice so far," River admitted. "The drugs worked, though."

"I still don't like that he reached you at all," Mal said. "We're flying well under the radar, even if my favourite pilot ain't available to do the calculations. Shouldn't have thought he'd be close enough."

River gave that a moment's thought. "Combined range," she said finally. "He can reach out a long way, and my mind does too. He can reach me from further away than I can normally read. The drugs help, hem me in, but not enough."

"It never, ever goes smooth," Mal muttered. "That don't bode too well, darlin'. You can't just stay doped up forever. And if he's that good at trackin' us, he'll catch up sooner or later."

River looked down again. "Don't know what else to do," she admitted quietly.

"You put your genius brain to work on it, then," Mal told her. "Lazin' around all day like this, you've got plenty of time for it. And I might not be no genius, but I've picked up a few tricks over the years. I'll do some more thinking as well."

He took her hand, squeezing it in encouragement, and River felt a hint of a smile tug at her lips.

"River?"

"Simon," she answered. Her brother's mind was – uncertain, wary, and filled with the same concern that had hung over him like a shadow ever since Persephone. "Time for the next dose?"

"Yes," Simon said slowly. "It's late, though – I think you should try to get some proper sleep, in a bed, so let's get you settled before I give you it, okay?"

River pulled a face at the thought of beds, not to mention – "My own bed, at least."

"I think it would be better if you were back in your old quarters for a bit," Simon said gently. "That way I'm closer if you need me in the night –"

She hated the thought of that old room; it felt like her fear and confusion had been soaked up by the walls and stored there, waiting for her to slip back and return there, no longer crew, no longer useful, no longer sane.

But Simon was asking, and he was her brother. Her brother who'd given up everything to rescue her, who'd believed in her through everything, who'd die for her and kill for her.

"All right," she whispered, resigned and suddenly exhausted.

"Don't have to be your old room," Mal put in unexpectedly. "Pick one of the others, if you prefer."

She met his eyes and saw more understanding there than she'd expected, and couldn't help but wonder if she'd reached out to his mind without realising it, feeding her emotions to him. Or perhaps he'd simply come to read her that well, even without her curse.

She nodded and let Simon help her to her feet. Mal picked up her discarded plate and got up too. "Sleep well," he said, and gave Simon a steady look and her a half-smile as he walked off towards the kitchen.

None of the guest quarters were especially appealing, and in the end River took her old room after all. She knew she wouldn't rest easy in the rooms which had belonged to Shepherd Book or, however briefly, the fed who'd followed them on board when Simon had first rescued her. Her old room might still echo with her psychosis, but at least the echoes were her own.

"What was the captain talking to you about?" Simon asked, not quite casual, as she lay down on the bed and let him tuck her in, just the way he used to.

"He brought me dinner," River said. "And asked me to tell him about Kuen. Wanted to know more about what we're dealing with."

Simon nodded thoughtfully and prepared the syringe. "Ready?"

River nodded and allowed him to inject the drug into her vein. She sighed when it was done. Almost immediately she could feel the fog rolling back in.

_Put your genius brain to work_ , Mal had said. But that was hard when her mind was filled with fog, even if it was the only chance she had of keeping Kuen out.

_You can't just stay doped up forever_ , Mal had said, like it was a simple fact.

_No, you can't_ , Kuen said unexpectedly in her mind, with equal, ominous certainty.

It was the last thing she heard before sleep smothered her.

* * *

Kaylee hesitated at the sight of River lying on the floor of the cargo bay, but reminded herself firmly of what Inara had said about helping River just by being there and forced herself to walk down the stairs.

River's eyes flickered open as she approached and Kaylee summoned up a smile for her. "Hey, sweetie. How are you feelin'?"

Her voice sounded off in her own ears and she winced.

"It's okay," River said softly, and it took Kaylee a moment to realise that it was a response to her reaction, not her question.

"Sorry," she apologised, twisting her engagement ring anxiously round her finger. "I just – I don't know what to do."

"Don't need to do anything," River said, and wasn't it stupid, that River was the one reassuring her? "It's okay. No right and wrong..."

Kaylee dropped down to sit next to her, daring to reach out and push River's hair back from her face, and River sighed and nestled closer. A little reassured that she wasn't making things worse, Kaylee stroked her friend's hair, remembering Inara's hand in her own hair, and the way Inara had touched River's hair the night of the ill-fated job on Persephone.

"She has lovely hands," River murmured, her eyes closed again. "So do you."

"Not like 'Nara's," Kaylee said.

"Different way," River sighed, her voice drawn out and slow. "Still lovely."

Kaylee smiled down at her and wondered why she'd been so hesitant to approach her. She'd thought... she'd thought it would be just like the bad old days, maybe, when River was unpredictable and sometimes a bit terrifying. She wouldn't have been able to bear it. And she'd worried that she'd make things worse, somehow. River was a reader; Kaylee might hurt her just with a careless thought.

"Not likely," River replied, even though she hadn't said any of it aloud. "Your thoughts aren't cruel. They're like the rest of you." Her eyes opened a slit and she peered up at Kaylee like a cat. "Also, you're forgetting I have to listen to Jayne's thoughts."

Kaylee couldn't help but laugh at that, because she loved Jayne, of course she did, but she could just imagine what that must be like. "Good point."

River hummed and let her eyes slide shut again, shifting another inch closer.

Kaylee carried on stroking her hair, shifting her weight a little to get more comfortable. Which made her think... "Wouldn't you be more comfortable in bed, mei-mei? Or if you don't want to be shut away by yourself – we could get a mattress, make you up a little bed right here. Can't be comfortable lying on the ground like this."

River shook her head without dislodging Kaylee's hand. "Don't like mattresses."

Kaylee blinked. "What? But – why?"

"I was afraid of them, back at the Academy," River explained, her voice still slow and tired. "Paranoia – but not stupidity. They turned everything against us. I thought they were trying to use my mattress to injure me. I ripped it apart and slept on the floor." She paused. "Know I don't need to be afraid of mattresses now, but when I'm feeling moon-brained... easier to lie on something solid."

"I'm sorry," Kaylee said softly. "Okay, no mattress, then. I've got a hammock...?"

River opened her eyes and gave her a faint, hazy smile. "Thank you, but no. I trust Serenity more. She holds me together when I'm feeling foggy."

Kaylee smiled back at her. She always liked the way River talked about Serenity, like she understood she was a real person. That was something she and the captain had always known, but no one else on the crew, really.

"Okay," she said finally. "How about pillows and blankets? You got any prejudice towards them you've never mentioned before?"

"No," River said dreamily, "just mattresses."

"Then you wait right here, sweetie," Kaylee told her. "I'll be right back."

She'd just brought up the blankets and a few pillows from her bunk – it wasn't like she was even using them these days, not since she and Simon had taken up together – when Zoe's voice came over the ship's intercom. "Sir, I need you on the bridge."

In other circumstances, Kaylee wouldn't have given it a second thought, but right now even a neutral message like that sounded ominous. She left the pillows and blankets on the floor outside her bunk and walked the few steps to the bridge, where Zoe was sitting in the pilot's seat, staring at one of the screens. "What's going on?"

"Not sure yet," Zoe said.

The captain joined them before Zoe could say anything more. "What's wrong?"

"We've been sent a large data file via the Cortex," Zoe said. "No sender listed."

The captain swore.

"Could the sender use it to locate us if we open it?" Simon asked. Kaylee jumped a little – evidently the rest of the crew had found Zoe's intercom message as unsettling as she had, because Inara, Jayne and Simon were all gathered in the doorway now. Kaylee moved to stand next to him, and Simon gave her a tiny smile and slipped his hand into hers.

"I don't think so, not with a Cortex message," Inara said.

"Might be meant to screw up our systems or somethin', though," the captain said. He gave a sharp sigh of frustration. "Transfer it to the spare shuttle, Zoe. We'll open it there, so it's contained."

"Are you sure we should open it at all?" Inara asked. "If whoever sent it has blocked their identity, that can't mean anything good, can it?"

"No, it surely can't," the captain agreed. "And the fact that they knew how to get a message to us, that don't bode well either. But opening it's a risk we're going to have to take, if only so we know why it was sent."

He headed down the stairs to the cargo bay and the access points to the shuttles, and everyone followed him.

Shuttle Two was empty and impersonal, a far cry from the silk and velvet refuge of Inara's shuttle. Mal sat down in the pilot's seat, already pulling up the message, and the rest of them congregated behind him.

"Looks like a video file," he said. "I'm putting it up on the main screen."

It lit up a second later with a stark, neat message on a plain background.

_R. Tam. Session 1._

Kaylee gasped, and everyone exchanged uneasy looks.

Mal paused the video. "Where's River?"

"Here," a voice came from behind them.

Gone was the hazy but smiling girl Kaylee had left in the cargo bay. River was standing at the back of the shuttle, looking as ghost-like as she ever had. Her face was impassive, but she was very pale and her eyes were dark. It had only been a week since they'd rushed off Persephone, since she'd started taking the drugs to dull her mind, but she looked ill.

"River," the captain said, his voice much gentler. "You know what this is?"

"A video of my sessions with the psychiatrist at the Academy," River said tonelessly. "Probably only excerpts. Kuen must have sent it. Not sure why."

"May we watch it?" Simon asked quietly. "It might help me find a way to help you, if I know more about what they did..."

River pressed her hands to her face. "Don't want to remember," she said, her voice muffled. "Don't want to watch, don't want to hear you watch... but you think it's necessary. So do it."

She slipped out of the shuttle, leaving the crew looking awkwardly at each other.

"Don't seem right," Kaylee said.

"I really do think it could help me to help her," Simon said apologetically.

"It was sent to us for a reason," the captain said heavily. "Reckon you're right, little Kaylee, but even so, don't see as we have much choice." He looked around. "This ain't likely to be pleasant viewing. Nobody's required to watch it, dong ma?"

Kaylee knew as soon as the first session started that she was going to find it heartbreaking. She'd never seen River like this, almost unrecognisable – young and beautiful and carefree, smiling at her interviewer, so wonderfully normal despite her extraordinariness. Comparing it with the next clip, probably from a few weeks or months later, with River clearly traumatised, shaking, begging to be transferred away from the Academy – Kaylee couldn't hold back her tears.

She understood Simon better now, she thought. Seeing who River had been before, if only for a minute – it put everything in a different perspective.

She slipped out of the shuttle, not wanting to see any more, and went to find River.

She found her in the cargo bay, near the main doors – as far away from the shuttle as she could get, Kaylee supposed. River was curled into a ball, her hands pressed to her ears, sobbing against her knees.

"I'm sorry, mei-mei, I'm so sorry," Kaylee whispered, and wrapped herself around her.

The nervousness she'd felt earlier was gone now, swallowed up by her anger and fierce protectiveness. River was _family_. That hun dan Kuen had better pray he didn't wind up anywhere near Kaylee, or she'd damn well make him pay for hurting River like this.

River jolted in her arms, like a shock had gone through her, then raised her head. Her eyes were huge and dark in her pale, tear-streaked face. "That's why," she whispered. "That has to be it –"

"River?" Kaylee asked.

Before Kaylee could process what was happening, River was out of her arms and back on her feet. She swayed for a moment, then ran for the stairs.

"River!" Kaylee called out in alarm, and ran after her.

Despite the drugs in her system, River was fast. By the time Kaylee caught up with her, River was in the little storeroom off the kitchen, the same place they'd kept her after she'd been triggered on Beaumonde.

She'd found the cuffs they'd used back then, too, hell knew where, and she was putting them on – winding them carefully around a pipe so she'd be trapped in one place this time.

"River, what are you doing?!" Kaylee asked.

"You can't trust me," River whispered, frantic, still focused on making sure the handcuffs were secure. "Don't get too close, don't let me –"

"River –"

"No, no, no – _stay back_!"

Kaylee retreated, shaking, to the nearest intercom. "Captain, Simon – need you in the kitchen."

The whole crew was there so fast that Kaylee figured they'd already finished watching that sick bastard's video. It was just as well, because River was sobbing in panic, begging them all to keep back. Simon and the captain had pressed into the storeroom with her and were trying to calm her down.

"I don't want to give her anything, not with the amount of medication she's already on," Simon said. He was pale but gave no other sign of how frantic he must be feeling; Simon never panicked during crises, his medical training had drummed that out of him.

"Kaylee," the captain said sharply.

Kaylee slipped back inside, squeezing Simon's hand on the way past. "Yes, Cap'n?"

"Sit down here with River," the captain said. "I want you to look at your engagement ring and think only about that, got it? Ignore everything else. Dong ma?"

It didn't make sense, and hell if Kaylee knew how she was meant to focus on something like that when River was crying right next to her, but she trusted the captain to know what he was doing. She sank down on the floor and looked at her engagement ring, twisting it round on her finger.

That had already become a habit – it felt so familiar. She still couldn't believe Simon had stolen the ring for her. Oh, sure, he hadn't meant to – this was _Simon_ , after all – but he'd agreed when she'd made him promise not to go back and pay for it. She'd kept a real close eye on him last time they'd been back on Harvest, and he'd kept his word. Simon put a lot of store in rules and the law, even after all this time in the black, and she knew what it meant that she was one of the people he'd break them for.

She hadn't been completely sure he'd stay until then – not that he'd ever leave River, of course, but still, she'd always wondered whether he'd leave someday for a fancier life, a life where he could put his skills to better use. Find someone more... appropriate. But Simon wasn't the kind to give her that ring lightly, and he wasn't the kind to break a commitment once he'd made it. She really was going to get to keep him, to wear her stolen ring the whole rest of her life with him at her side, and that was... that was –

"Better," Mal said, making her jump. He was focused on River, who'd stopped sobbing now, her head tilted back against the wall and her eyes closed. "Good work, Kaylee. River, you back with us, darlin'?"

River drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Better," she agreed softly. "But you should all go. It's not safe to be near me."

"River," Simon said gently from behind Kaylee, "I'm sorry – I know it must have been hard for you, us watching that video –"

River flinched and Simon hesitated.

"He's looking for my triggers," River said, looking from Simon back to the captain. "That has to be what he was searching for. Looking for the words to make me do what he wants. He thought – hearing you watch that – thought it would make me remember, or trigger me –"

"But it didn't," the captain said.

"If he finds them, he'll – I could – you need to understand, it's dangerous, he could make me kill you all, he could –"

"That's why you've chained yourself up?" Mal asked.

River closed her eyes again and nodded, her face strained. "Chain my ankles as well. Pointless otherwise."

"We'll talk on that in a minute," the captain said calmly. "You sure that's what he's trying to do? Get you to kill us all?"

River shuddered and Kaylee laid a hand on her arm instinctively.

"Don't know, not for certain," River said finally. "Don't remember what they did to me, don't know what my triggers are, what he could make me do... but you need to change Serenity's codes, in case he tries to make me take control of the ship –"

"Nope," the captain said. "The codes ain't changing." His voice softened into an attempt at a joke. "Just got 'em memorised my own self, after all –"

River opened her eyes, wide and panicked. "Mal –"

"Ain't no point," the captain told her, deadly serious now. "You'd pick the new codes out of our minds in a second if you wanted to. Besides, you ain't gonna let it happen, darlin'."

"Can't stop him," River whispered.

"Not like this you can't," the captain agreed. He reached out and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "You're panicking. You're running. Can't say as I blame you. And there's a time and a place for running, sure enough. But it ain't gonna fix this."

River shook her head, tiny, frantic movements that Mal ignored.

"You think he's stronger'n you, that he's gonna beat you because they had him for longer. Way I see it, that puts _him_ at the disadvantage. They screwed him up more, whereas you've spent the past few years putting yourself back together, figuring out how that genius brain of yours works these days. If the two of you went head to head – my money'd be on you, darlin'."

Kaylee held her breath.

"You think he's looking for your triggers," Mal went on. "Well, that's a hell of a reassuring piece of news, to my way of thinking, because that means he don't already know them and he ain't found them in your mind so far. And if that video didn't do it, he ain't got nothing else that's likely to." He leaned forward, touching River's face to make her meet his gaze. "So here's the way it's gonna be. You're coming off the drugs. I need you clear-headed. I need you _on my crew_ , River, dong ma?"

River stared at him, motionless and barely breathing. "A big risk," she whispered finally.

"I like my odds," Mal told her, a grin spreading over his face. "Now, if you want to spend a day or two chained up in here while the drugs are wearin' off – be my guest, if it makes you feel better. But that's it. Enough running."

River drew in a shuddering breath and let it out again. "All right," she said.

"Good," the captain said and got to his feet. "Now, whose turn is it to make dinner?"

* * *

River let the fog carry her. It wouldn't shield her for much longer, she knew, and that was frightening and a relief, both at the same time. A relief because no matter what anyone thought, she hated this feeling, hated retreating back to what she'd been before, a lost little girl hiding from her own mind, after she'd fought so long and so hard to win back that territory. But it was frightening, too, because she knew better than Mal could the size of the risk he was taking. If Kuen did manage to find her triggers – if he did manage to turn her against the crew...

She could kill them. She could end up killing them all.

Mal was certain she wouldn't, but his confidence in her wasn't logical or rational. He'd gambled on her before, yes, but that didn't mean...

It would be her responsibility, if Kuen did manage to take control of her. It wouldn't matter that she hadn't meant it, hadn't wanted it. The blood would be on her hands, and her family would still be dead.

"Are you all right, River?"

River slowly forced her eyes open and managed a smile for Inara, who was standing in the doorway to the storeroom. "Yes," she murmured, because what else could she say? How could she possibly put into words how she was feeling?

"Do you mind if I join you?" Inara asked, as polite as ever, and River managed a real smile this time. It might have sounded stiff and awkward coming from someone else, but Inara's voice held only concern for her, concern that she might be intruding at a time when River was overwhelmed and needed space.

"You are always a welcome guest, sister," she murmured, the words coming to her from somewhere, and tucked her legs up to make more room.

Inara smiled at her as she sat down. "It's always lovely to hear the traditional courtesies from you."

"I enjoy them with you," River admitted. "You know the history, you infuse them with meaning... I enjoy that more than the courtesies themselves."

"I grew up with them," Inara said, her tone shading towards nostalgia. "Great value is placed on tradition and customs in Companion training houses. In a way, they feel like home."

River tilted her head back and let her eyes slide shut, basking in the warm glow of Inara's thoughts until discordance slipped back in.

"You're worried," she murmured.

Inara paused for a moment before speaking. "I know you look up to Mal. And I know he's very – sure of himself, in a lot of ways. For you as a reader, I can imagine that must be... compelling."

River didn't open her eyes; she waited.

"Don't let him browbeat you, is what I suppose I'm saying," Inara said. "If you disagree with him, say so. Listen to your own judgement. Trust yourself. Even if that means you have to argue with him."

River considered that, listening to what Inara was saying and, just as importantly, the things she _wasn't_ saying aloud.

"You think I crave his approval," she said at last.

Inara sighed quietly. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to offend you –"

"Not offended," River said hastily and opened her eyes. "I appreciate your advice, always. You make sense of things that don't make sense to me. And – you're not entirely wrong. I do want him to – be proud of me. I do want to live up to what he sees in me. But it's not..." She shook her head helplessly, because some things were too hard to express in words, and Mal was right at the top of that list.

"I think for myself," she said finally. "Fought too hard to be my own person. Won't give it up, not even for him, just like you didn't."

Inara's face went perfectly blank, even her mind shocked into silence by the comparison for an instant before it began racing too fast for River to gain more than fleeting impressions of her thoughts.

"I apologise," Inara said, her mind still spinning. "I've underestimated you again, River, even though I keep swearing I won't repeat that mistake."

River sighed and sank back against the wall again. Even though Simon hadn't given her another dose, she was still tired and foggy; it would take a while for the drugs to leave her system. "Nothing to apologise for. I appreciate your advice, sister."

Inara pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and stood in a graceful swirl of skirts. "We'll talk later. Rest well, River."

River let her eyes drift shut and stopped worrying about the confusion in Inara's mind; her friend wasn't angry with her, at least, and that was enough for now.

She opened her eyes, minutes or hours later, to see Jayne poised precariously over her, half a dozen tins of food in his arms. He froze as he saw her look up, like he'd been caught in the act.

"Didn't think it was your turn to make dinner," River observed muzzily. And even if it had been, he wouldn't need so many tins. She frowned up at him, trying to figure it out.

Jayne's eyes darted back and forth. "I was, uh... clearin' some space. For you. In here."

The fog eased abruptly, just enough for her to make the connection – the memory of her knocking him out with one of the larger tins, the time he'd been planning on killing her.

"Thank you," she told him.

"No problem," Jayne said, with the same hunted expression. "More space, that's –"

"No," River corrected him. "Thank you for taking out things I could use as weapons."

Jayne stared at her, then his expression finally relaxed. "No problem," he said, sounding rougher but more honest this time. He hesitated, but ploughed on, "You think you're gonna go crazy, then?"

"Not sure," River admitted, and it felt good to confess that to someone who'd accept it at face value and not try to tell her that she'd be fine, that she was strong enough. "Mal doesn't think so, but... I'd rather be safe than sorry."

Jayne snorted. "You an' me both. Only just stopped seeing stars from the last time you bashed me o'er the head."

River could have pointed out that he'd had a gun in his hand at the time, but she didn't, taking it for the peace offering it was. "So thank you for taking out the tins," she said. "Do you have a spare set of cuffs?"

"Why?" Jayne asked suspiciously.

"For my ankles," River said.

A pause, then Jayne said, "I'll get 'em."

He was back a few minutes later, approaching with a mixture of wariness and care that River couldn't help but appreciate. "Here."

River snapped the first cuff around her left ankle, then enlisted Jayne's help to make sure the chain was wound securely through a floor grating before snapping the second cuff into place. "Better," she said, testing the give: she would still be able to get out of it, but it would take her a few minutes, long enough for someone to take her out if need be, or for her to maybe win back control. The thought of losing the protection of the fog in her mind was still alarming, but she felt more secure now that she had precautions in place. "Thanks, Jayne."

Jayne snorted. "No problem. You just better stop that brother of yours from tryin' to deck me when he sees. Or Mal."

"I'll take full responsibility," River promised serenely. She was feeling tired again, and perhaps she could relax for a while now, knowing Kuen would struggle to make her do anything while she slept, now she was chained hand and foot.

She'd expected Jayne to beat a hasty retreat, but he was still crouching next to her, and after a moment he cleared his throat. "Anything else I can do? You know, to..." He trailed off with a vague gesture that his thoughts translated as _tie you up/make you feel better/make sure you're secure_.

"I'm good," River said, and it was almost true. "Thank you, Jayne."

"Right," Jayne said, and beat a hasty retreat after all.

River smiled after him and let her eyes slip closed, lulled by the reassuring weight of metal at her wrists and ankles.

* * *

"C'mon, come to bed," Kaylee said softly.

Simon was already dressed for bed, but he still had that distracted expression, glancing around without settling. "I think I might check on her one last time before –"

"You just checked on her not half an hour ago," Kaylee reminded him. "More likely you'll wake her up than anything else."

"I – you're right," Simon said, and got into bed beside her, but his body was still tense.

Inara had spoken to her, a long time back now, about Simon and River. _He's never going to let her go_ , Inara had said, careful as she chose her words, careful like she usually wasn't when talking to Kaylee, never normally had to be. _She's always going to be right at the centre of the 'verse, for him. Are you sure you're going to be all right with that?_

Kaylee had thought she'd understood, but she hadn't, not really. Back then, River had been so much better and Simon had been smiling and of course River was the centre of Simon's 'verse. It was one of the things Kaylee loved about him, the way he loved her and looked after her.

Now – things were different.

Kaylee switched the lights off, shifted close to Simon, and listened to them both breathe for a while. They weren't going to be falling asleep anytime soon, though, she knew that.

"At least she's coming off the drugs now," she offered finally. "That's got to be a good thing, right?"

"I hope so," Simon said. "They haven't been good for her. I hope – I hope they haven't caused any lasting damage. I've been monitoring her as closely as she'd let me, but..."

"They won't," Kaylee said immediately. "You'd never have let her take anything that might hurt her, Simon, I _know_ you."

"It's not as simple as that," Simon said, his voice strained. "She's – fragile. It's easy to forget, because she'd been doing so much better, but it wouldn't take much to tip the balance, and I'm worried that even once the medication wears off again..."

"That's just you worrying, though, because you're a worry-wort," Kaylee told him, because she was firmly convinced that was true. Oh, Simon worried, but if he'd really believed that, he'd never have gone along with it, not for a second. "She ain't as fragile as all that. She hasn't been for a long time. She'll be all right."

"I hope you're right," Simon murmured.

"'Course I'm right," Kaylee told him and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "And even if I'm not – then it'll just take time. We'll all help. She'll be back to normal before you know it. You'll see."

Simon sighed. "You're right. I know you're right. I just... god, that video –"

Kaylee shuddered at the memory, because even if she'd walked out only a few minutes in, it had been awful. "Was it really bad?" she asked in a tiny voice.

"Yes," Simon confirmed grimly. "They – god, Kaylee. She's – she was _fourteen_ , and she was _amazing_. How could they look at her and see – a _thing_ , not even a person. Something to be moulded into a weapon –"

"I don't know," Kaylee said, because she didn't, and she was pretty sure she never would and never wanted to. "But you got her out, Simon. You did it."

Simon's half-breathed laugh was an ugly, painful thing. "I did. And look at her now: on the run, chained up in a storeroom and drugged out of her mind."

Kaylee abruptly reached up and switched the light back on and braced herself on her arms over him, forcing him to look up, startled, and meet her eyes.

"Enough of that," she told him, putting as much command into it as she could, like the captain in his darkest moments. "It was bad enough before, you blaming yourself. I ain't putting up with it now, not any more. You _got her out_ , Simon. You saved her. You held her together and helped her figure herself out, and it hasn't just been a – a _better phase_ or whatever else you tell yourself. She's really better. She's been growin' up. She ain't a scared little girl no more. She's a grown-up now, and we all love the person she's grown up to be. So don't – act like she's so terribly off and you hate it. Sure, things are hard right now, but we'll fix it and then she'll be happy again and whatever happens it _ain't your fault_."

Simon's eyes were wide and somewhat shell-shocked. He nodded hesitantly when she glared down at him for a response. Kaylee nodded back firmly and switched the lights off again, lying down right on top of him, and to hell with him if he didn't like the weight.

His arms came up around her, though, holding her securely, and he pressed a long kiss to her temple. "Thank you," he said quietly. "And I'm sorry."

"You had better not be –"

"No, no, not for that," Simon said hastily before she could turn the lights back on to shout at him some more. "For the rest of it. For this. I know I've been – I've been worrying about River all the time. I'm sorry."

Kaylee almost did switch the lights back on, but instead she caught his hand and guided it down to hers, to the ring around her finger.

"You asked me to marry you," she told him. "And I said yes right away. That don't mean I didn't think about it. Just means I already knew how I felt. I know things ain't ever gonna be completely safe for you, most likely. Or with you. And I know you ain't ever gonna stop worrying about your sister. If she needs you, you'll be there. I know that."

Simon's mouth opened, but Kaylee pressed two fingers of her free hand to his lips and he stayed silent, tracing the line of her engagement ring with his fingertips.

"It's who you are," she said quietly. "Wouldn't be you otherwise. Wouldn't be the man I fell in love with. And I love River too, you know. We all do. It ain't just the two of you against the 'verse any more. So stop worryin' that I'm gonna – I don't even know. But it ain't happenin'." She trailed a finger down his where it was touching her ring. "For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health – I didn't need time to think about it because it's all already true, Simon."

Simon stared up at her in the darkness, like he'd never really seen her before. Then he arched up to kiss her, reverent and stunned and near-frantic in a way he almost never got, and Kaylee let him drag her closer, always closer.

* * *

River woke slowly, but it wasn't the fault of the drugs in her system this time. She felt warm, safe in a way she hadn't in a while; it was like lying out the sunshine and it made her drowsy. She shifted a little and sighed.

A moment later the world around her resolved into some kind of focus. Mal was sitting with her, his mind the warmth and safety she'd sensed in her dreams.

"Go back to sleep," he told her quietly.

"I'm awake," River murmured and forced herself slowly into a sitting position, leaning against him. Mal passed her a cup of tea and she drank, letting it warm her and ease her into waking more gradually. The cuffs had more than enough play for her to eat and drink.

"Didn't mean to wake you," Mal said. "But seeing how I did... how are you feelin'?"

"Still a while before the drugs wear off," River told him.

"I figured," Mal said easily. "And?"

River considered. "Better," she said finally. She felt clearer, like the fog was starting to lift, and the physical side-effects were easing too. Though that wasn't wholly a good thing. "Worried. Scared."

Mal nodded. "Gathered as much from the chains."

"Not going to apologise for them," River told him bluntly, Inara's words echoing in her head.

"Don't recall asking you to," Mal said calmly. "I told you, I need you clear-headed. If you need to wrap yourself up in chains for that, it's your own business."

River smiled and let Inara's words drift away from her. Inara was insightful, and she knew Mal well – but she wasn't River, and she'd never seen the shape of his mind, so all she could offer was well-intentioned advice, not certainties. "Want to know that if he tries something – if he gets to me – you'll have a minute to figure it out and knock me out. Put me to sleep."

Mal nodded thoughtfully, then looked down at the chains. "A minute, huh?"

"Between thirty-seven and forty-nine seconds," River specified. "Depends whether I can concentrate on it fully."

Mal grinned at her. "I'll be sure to bear that in mind, darlin'."

It was a relief to have his approval – a warning sign that she shouldn't dismiss Inara's concerns out of hand. At some point, she'd come to care a great deal about Mal's opinion of her. But she set those feelings aside to think about later. "Still don't know how to stop him," River admitted, because that was what was really worrying her. "You said you'd bet on me, but if he finds out how to pull the puppet's strings... don't know how to stop that."

"Been thinking about that, as it happens," Mal said. There was no _as it happens_ about it, and they both knew it; she could see in his mind now how hard he'd been thinking about it, over the past few weeks while she'd been too drugged to really pick up on it.

She could see pieces of it in his mind now, but it was complicated – and with Mal, it was always important to see the words he chose and which ones he discarded. If he said something out loud, he meant it and he'd stand by it. Much though she loved being surrounded by the warmth of his thoughts, she loved hearing him say them out loud more.

Mal got that – he almost always did; they'd fallen into their own way of communicating over the past few years. So he started talking now. "You've been comin' up with ways to cope ever since you came on board this ship. Especially since Miranda. You told me your own self – you can't just push back one emotion and focus on another, so you need a distraction if you get too caught up or upset."

"Kaylee thinking about her ring," River said softly. She'd understood afterwards, though she wasn't sure if Kaylee had.

"Right," Mal agreed. "And it worked. Seems to me like we need more strategies like that. They changed the way your brain works, far as I can understand what your brother says about it. And if he could fix that physically, no doubt he'd have done it long ago."

"The brain is delicate," River said. "If he tried, he'd probably cause more damage." She looked down at her hands, which had clenched tightly around the cuffs. "Don't think I could let him, even if he did want to try. Not after..."

Not after they'd operated on her again and again.

Mal's hands touched hers, making her blink and look up. Her hands loosened their grip.

"So that's out," Mal went on. "Which leaves working around it. You've already been doing it – probably more'n you even realise, I reckon, because you've gotten a damn sight better at keeping on an even keel. If you work at it, you can do it for this too."

River gave that a moment's thought, still slightly distracted by the warmth of his hands over hers. "Train my mind to react in different ways," she said quietly.

"Right," Mal said. "You're worried about him finding a way to trigger you to take us all out? Well, you know what that feels like. You know what it did to your mind. So you need to find a way to do something else instead."

River looked down at their hands with a shiver, because she hated remembering that feeling, the way everything had solidified into stark lines and she'd moved without even thinking about who she was facing, everyone reduced to the status of targets.

"And I know you can find a way to do it, because you already did," Mal told her.

She was too caught up in the memory to understand what he was referring to. "Didn't. Couldn't break it. Simon –"

"You didn't pull the trigger," Mal said. His eyes were very dark and very certain when she looked up, surprised. "No doubt it wasn't as long as it felt like right then, but you held back. You didn't shoot me."

He released one of her hands in order to touch her face, and River realised belatedly that she was shaking. "Easy, darlin'," he murmured, and guided her down to rest her head on his shoulder instead of letting her pull away and shrink into a ball the way she wanted.

She shook in his arms for a while until the panic from that memory worked its way through her and left her exhausted and hollowed out. "I came so close," she said at last, letting his shoulder muffle her voice. "You don't know how close I came."

He pressed his lips briefly to her hair. "I've got an idea. It don't matter. Point is, you didn't. Listen to me, now. You know this ship. You know how good she is, don't you? You wouldn't trade Serenity for the shiniest ship in the 'verse, just like I wouldn't. Kaylee wouldn't either, you know."

River frowned, her mind feeling sluggish. "I know."

"She don't always work the way she's meant to," Mal said. "Bits wearing out, bits that didn't work so good in the first place... and we ain't got money for fancy parts most of the time. Lucky thing we've got Kaylee, because she knows how to keep things working regardless. Sometimes looks like wild space monkeys got loose in the engine room, I'll grant you, but she knows what she's doing. She'll keep Serenity flying, even if she needs to rewire half the ship."

River pulled back so she could see his face. "I'm Serenity."

Mal smiled at her. "Hopefully not _actually_ , this time, 'cause that was a mite alarming and not a little unfair considering I had a head injury at the time. But yes. If anyone took a look at the Firefly schematics and compared them to Serenity – they'd be lost. Doubt if there's more'n a few feet of wiring to spec in the whole gorram ship. Don't matter, long as she keeps flying. Hell, she can do a sight more than she _should_ be able to according to the specs." He squeezed the hand he was still touching and interlaced their fingers. "Your mind works differently now. Well, you've already proved you can change things. Ain't saying you'll be able to do it overnight. But you can do it. Talk to Kaylee, figure out how she goes about it. Build in a failsafe. Figure out how to stop your mind short-circuiting. Hell, figure out how to pull off a gorram Crazy Ivan if you can. Do all the rewiring you need to."

River's mind whirled. She could feel his confidence and hope, but pushed past it into her own thoughts, where she could think for herself.

It was a metaphor, of course. She couldn't replace the parts in the engine room of her mind, not literally. She couldn't send Kaylee in with her tool belt. But... but Mal was right about learning to distract herself when an emotion became too overwhelming – she did it almost automatically now; her panic while the others were watching the video had been an exception, not the rule it had once been. If she could train her mind that way... then Mal was right, she could train it in other ways too.

_Build in a failsafe_ , he'd said. If she could hold back for an instant when she was triggered – and she had hesitated instead of shooting him, he was right – then maybe she could do that. Like blowing a fuse, shutting everything down, or rebooting a computer. Maybe she simply needed to reconceptualise it, and thinking of herself as Serenity was one way to do it.

Mal was still watching her when she blinked and refocused on him. "Might be right," she admitted thoughtfully. "I'll need to work on it."

He grinned at her. "That's my girl. You do that instead of spending your time running and hiding." He raised their interlocked hands for a moment so the chain jingled. "I want you out of these cuffs as soon as possible, you hear me? Can't have my pilot stuck in here for long."

River felt herself flush. _That's my girl_. She couldn't help but smile at him.

They looked at each other, and for a moment River felt like she was standing on the brink of something – like standing barefoot on the catwalk railing, perfectly balanced but knowing that the ship jolting unexpectedly was all it would take for her to fall...

It was too much to cope with right now, and River redirected her mind with an ease she was only beginning to realise she'd acquired, distracting herself with the comparison with Serenity's engine room. She knew a lot about how it worked already, but she'd speak to Kaylee in the morning, ask her what strategies she used when things went wrong or didn't work the way they should.

"Thank you," she told Mal, sincere. "I'll work on it."

"You do that," Mal said. He squeezed her hand one last time before pulling away. "But for now, get some sleep, darlin'."

She lay down again obediently as he left, taking their mugs with him, but now her thoughts were full of circuits and switches and wiring.

* * *

River knew that Kaylee was surprised to be assailed with engineering questions when she'd stopped by to check up on River that morning and bring her breakfast. But one of the things River loved about her friend was that she would hold back on asking awkward questions if she knew you didn't want to answer them.

Another was Kaylee's passion for her work and their ship, and given the chance – the invitation – to talk about them to a genuinely interested audience, Kaylee was soon rattling away, talking about a few of the modifications she'd made to keep Serenity running smoothly.

River soaked up all the information, her mind breaking it all down to see how she could apply it to herself. It would take time and it wouldn't be easy, but she thought she could see a way forward. It was more hope than she'd had before, at least.

_Wo de tian, a!_

"Mal needs you in the engine room," River said before the intercom could even click on.

"Kaylee –" Mal's voice came over, but Kaylee was already running. "On my way, Cap'n!"

River could see through his eyes, see what had inspired the curse that had alerted her. They were approaching Ita, a tiny moon, as far out of the way as they could expect to get – except that there was an Alliance cruiser just outside orbit.

It couldn't mean anything good, a cruiser this far out.

It was there for her, River realised abruptly, numbly. Kuen was planning to trigger her here. Now. And the cruiser would be right there, in position to pick her up.

Mal, Zoe and Kaylee were having a rapid-fire discussion over the intercom about whether they could outrun the cruiser and whether it was smart to even try. River knew that they would never get the chance.

_You don't know a thing_ , Kuen said into her mind. _There's more than one kind of trigger, River._

_Kuen_ , she thought, but there was nothing. _Kuen!_

Between thirty-seven and forty-nine seconds, she'd told Mal. As she set to work breaking out of the cuffs, she could only hope that would be fast enough.

* * *

"We're in good shape right now, but I don't think we've got enough fuel to go further than one of the other moons," Kaylee said into the intercom as Simon held it up for her. She offered him a strained smile – she appreciated him coming up to help her out when he'd heard the captain's intercom message. No doubt the rest of the crew were on the bridge by now, or on their way there.

She kept working, making sure the engine was ready to go to full burn at a moment's notice. What the hell was an Alliance cruiser doing all the way out here?

"All right," Mal said over the intercom. "We hold steady, see what they do. Any luck, they won't pay us a lick of attention and we just fly on past. Kaylee, I want you standin' by there just in case, though."

Kaylee turned to acknowledge the order, only to find that Simon had put the intercom unit down. She frowned and looked up to see him disappearing down the corridor in the direction of the bridge.

He could have _said_ something, she thought irritably.

The captain's voice barked out impatiently over the intercom again, "Kaylee!"

She abandoned what she'd been doing and picked up the intercom where Simon had left it. "Got it, Captain."

She glanced up after Simon again, frowning, and saw that he had stopped, standing in the corridor that ran from the kitchen to the bridge, outside the crew bunks.

He was holding a gun to his head.

For a moment Kaylee couldn't even process what she was seeing, and then she was running as fast as she could, with no clear idea of whether she was screaming out loud or only inside her head.

The gunshot was impossibly loud, but nothing in comparison to the sound of Simon collapsing to the ground.

Kaylee was on her knees beside him an instant later, but already there was a pool of blood spreading around him. His eyes were closed and he wouldn't open them, not when she said his name, not when she _screamed_ his name.

"He's alive," were the first words that made any sense, even though it took a moment for them to rearrange inside her head. It was the captain, his fingers pressed to Simon's neck where the pulse should be.

Zoe was pressing a cloth to his head, to the – the wound, oh god, he'd shot himself in the _head_ , what, oh god, he couldn't have, he would never have –

"Kuen made him," River whispered, and at some point she'd broken out of her cuffs and was now kneeling next to Simon as well, though Kaylee had no clear memory of her arriving. River was horribly pale and there were tears streaming silently down her face.

" _Fix this_ ," Kaylee told her, desperate.

There was arguing going on in the background. "Ita doesn't have medical facilities for something like this –"

"We don't have a choice –"

Kaylee ignored them all in favour of leaning in and pressing her lips to Simon's, just for a moment, just to remind him that she was there and she wasn't going anywhere, and she wasn't going to let him go anywhere either. She'd told him they were already married, for all intents and purposes, and that was the truth. He didn't get to leave her. Not now, not ever. It didn't matter what it cost, she was not going to let it happen.

"Kaylee, we need to move him down to the cargo bay," Mal told her. He and Jayne were already sliding the stretcher underneath Simon.

"Ita don't have med facilities," Kaylee said, watching them work. Her voice sounded strange in her own ears. "Not for anything like this."

"We're docking with that cruiser in two minutes," the captain said grimly. He and Jayne timed their lift with a look and then set off, walking Simon down towards the cargo bay.

Kaylee followed, shrugging off the arm Inara tried to slip around her. "He's wanted, Cap'n! They won't help him!"

"They will when I've had words with 'em," Mal said flatly.

"I'll talk to them too, sweetie," Inara told her, her voice shaking for all that she was trying to sound reassuring. "They'll listen to a Companion. It'll be okay."

Kaylee looked at the cloth pressed against Simon's head, which was rapidly turning red, and knew that no, it was not going to be okay.

She knelt back at Simon's side the moment Mal and Jayne lowered him down to the ground, and paid no attention as they docked and the doors opened, focused on holding Simon's hand, stroking his forehead, trying to _will_ him to stay with her.

Even so, she couldn't help but be aware of the captain's voice, growing angrier and more strident, and then Inara's, growing more desperate and worried.

"I'm sorry, Lady Serra," the Alliance hun dan who'd come to meet them said, his voice radiating insincerity. "Even for a woman of your standing, I'm afraid I can't possibly grant your request."

Kaylee managed to tear her eyes away from Simon and look up. The officer looked – not evil, even, just a man who obeyed whatever his paperwork told him, and damn the rest of humanity. Inara and the captain both looked furious, but they weren't going to be able to change his mind, not in time to save Simon.

Kaylee opened her mouth with no clear idea of what she was about to say, but she never got the chance to find out, because River spoke up instead.

"If you can't grant their request, then I suggest you obey my order, Captain."

The Alliance bastard turned a disbelieving gaze on her. River had stepped forward from where she'd been hovering in the background. Her back was straight, her shoulders back like Inara had shown her all those weeks ago. Her eyes seemed clear for the first time since she'd started taking the medication again, and they were dry now. She looked – older.

"And you are...?" the Alliance captain began superciliously.

"My name is River Tam," she said, "and I'm an Operative of the Parliament."


	6. Chapter 6

_This is a dangerous game you're playing, darlin'_ , Mal thought as loud as he could as he walked with River through the hallways of the Alliance ship. The ensign that had been sent to show them the way strode ahead, darting an occasional, nervous glance back at them.

Mal understood all too well why she was doing it. She was playing the only card she had left that might save her brother's life. That box-ticker of an Alliance captain hadn't been about to listen to reason, not even with a life at stake. Mal had a deep and honest loathing of men like him, men who valued stupidly thought-out rules and orders ahead of actual people. He hadn't listened to Mal, hadn't even listened to Inara.

He hadn't wanted to listen to River, either, until he'd run her name and the ident number she rattled off for him through the system. Whatever was in her records, it had made him damn cooperative damn fast.

Cooperative was all well and good. But Mal would bet that River's records hadn't looked anything like that five minutes earlier. And that didn't bode well, not in the slightest.

Still, one problem at a time. At least the doc was getting the treatment he needed – Captain Box-ticker had seen to that sharpish after River started issuing orders. They'd watched the surgeons take over, then River had demanded a room with secure Cortex access where she 'and the captain of my vessel' could work. Captain Box-ticker hadn't been happy about that, but he wasn't about to start arguing with someone whose records said 'Full cooperation mandatory'. Mal didn't like splitting up the crew, but Zoe was there to keep an eye on things, Jayne to help out if they needed muscle, and Inara was there to keep Kaylee from flying apart – or attacking the Alliance officers with her bare hands, which had seemed a damn sight more likely. It should be fine.

He still didn't like a gorram thing about the situation.

"Here you are, sir – sirs," the ensign said, turning sharply to the left and opening a door. "If you require anything –"

"That will be all," River said flatly.

The ensign hesitated for a second and River turned to look at him. The way she'd been giving orders, Mal had heard echoes of himself in there, but the way she looked at and through the ensign now – that was all River at her most creepifying.

The ensign bolted without another word, and River closed the door, engaging the privacy lock.

Mal opened his mouth and closed it again as she moved straight to the computer. He waited, not particularly patiently, until she straightened a minute later. "Disabled monitoring on this room. They can't see or hear us."

"Great," Mal said, dismissing that consideration. At this point, it was damn low on his list of priorities. That hun dan Kuen was clearly around here somewhere, after all –

"No," River said. "He's not on board. The captain doesn't know about him."

"I know you ain't asking me to believe it's a coincidence, this ship being here right now," Mal said.

River shook her head. She'd wrapped her arms around herself as if she was cold. "Kuen engineered it. All of it. The ship... Simon." She swallowed. "He told me there was more than one kind of trigger."

_I am going to kill that son of a bitch_ , Mal promised himself fervently.

River gave him the barest hint of a smile and shook her head again. "Not polite to push ahead in the line, Captain. Wait your turn."

Mal was surprised into a rough chuckle. "Fair enough, darlin'. Can you use the computer to see how that brother of yours is doing?"

River's smile was gone as if it had never been there. "No need," she said. "Listening in – the doctors are still working. They're optimistic. Bullet hit at just the right angle."

"I'm guessin' that wasn't coincidence either," Mal observed. "So. What're you doing, River?"

"The only thing I can," River whispered. The confident exterior she'd projected in front of the Alliance officers was gone now, and belatedly Mal realised that might be why she'd wanted to make sure no one could see or hear them. "They weren't going to help him otherwise."

"So Kuen had you where he wanted you, and he offered you a deal," Mal said grimly. He'd known it already, and he had an even worse feeling about what came next. "What's the price?"

River looked up at him, the faint sheen of tears in her eyes that she was refusing to shed. "Me," she said simply, and Mal took three strides across the room to grab her arms.

"That is _not_ acceptable," he said, low and absolute. "Your brother wouldn't want –"

"I know," River whispered, "I know he wouldn't, but I get to decide this time. I can't let him die, Mal. And it wouldn't stop. It could be you next time, or Kaylee. It could be Sying. I won't let it happen. I _won't_."

Mal exhaled sharply, because none of this was River's fault, and damned if he was going to take his rage out on her. "We'll find another way."

"There isn't one," she said, and met his gaze steadily, even though her eyes still shone with unshed tears. "Not against an enemy who can kill you with his mind. He's won this round. There's no way around it."

Mal thought frantically. They could play along until the doc was well enough to transfer back on board Serenity; they could run, Kuen must have to be close to pull this kind of trick or he'd have done it sooner –

River shook her head at him. "Can't fool an enemy who can see your thoughts." He still had a death-grip on her shoulders, but she reached up to curl her hands around his forearms. "There's a time and a place for running and hiding, and there's a time and a place when you have to make a stand and fight. Learned that from you."

"So we fight," Mal said, his voice sounding steadier than he felt. "We –"

River shook her head again. "Not we, not this time. I." She swallowed. "You've all protected me, kept me safe. Learned so much from you all. But I'm an adult now. It's time for me to face this, by myself."

Mal managed an incredulous snort at that – not because River wasn't an adult, but because if she thought being an adult meant you had to stand alone... Like he'd have survived a day without Zoe at his side.

River met his eyes and nodded. "I know. But this is something I do have to face alone. And Kuen'll let you go. That's my price. It's a stalemate – if he hurt any of you, I'd turn on him. He can't go back on his word, not if I do this right."

"And what about you?" Mal demanded.

River gave him a tiny smile. "He wants me to be a weapon. But a weapon can be turned on its owner –" She broke off for a moment, then he felt the tension flow out of her beneath his hands. "Simon's stabilised. He's going to be okay."

"Good," Mal said, relieved. He and the doc were most likely never going to get along too well, but Simon wasn't weak, and he had his head on straight when it came to his sister, and he made Kaylee happy, and he was good at his job. He was a part of Serenity's crew, and that was the long and the short of it.

River drew in a deep breath. "I need to go."

Mal's attention snapped back to her. "There has to –"

River shook her head frantically, a tear finally escaping, and she surged forward to press the fingers of one hand to his mouth. "Please. Please, Mal. We both know there's not. I wish there was. But I'll try to come back. I'll try for as long as I can, as long as I'm still me. If I can take out Kuen and his puppeteer – I'll come back, I will."

"You'd better," Mal said roughly against his fingers. "You're still on my crew, River. That ain't gonna change. You hear me?"

"Counting on it," River whispered, managing a smile for him through her tears. Bright as ever, in spite of everything. _Shooting-star girl_ , he'd thought once, and it was the truth.

It was going to be a dark sky without her in it.

"Counting on you not to give up on me. Counting on you to believe in me," River said softly. "You said you'd bet on me, before. Need you to bet on me now."

Mal looked at her, taking in the stark, strained lines of her face, the resolve in her eyes. He'd watched River grow up, watched her find herself and rebuild herself. He'd laughed with her and confided in her. She wasn't just brilliant, she was strong, and she knew herself now.

He'd bet on her. He'd bet on her against anyone and anything, and the force of that feeling raging inside him was almost painful.

River inhaled shakily, holding his gaze, her eyes wide and knowing, and then she surged forward and pressed her lips to his.

Mal didn't think, didn't second-guess her or himself, just kissed her back fiercely, trying to put every ounce of the tangled whirlwind of emotions he felt for her into the kiss, trying to make her _know_ that he knew she could do this.

Finally she drew back and he allowed it. Her eyes were fierce and bright, and Mal had no idea what she was seeing in him, but it didn't matter.

"Look after the others," she said softly. "Don't let Simon blame himself."

"Do my best," Mal said. His voice sounded rough to his own ears.

River squeezed his hands one last time, then slipped away and strode towards the door, her posture changing as she moved, her shoulders coming back, her head raising. She didn't look back.

Mal stared after her, his hands balled into fists, and wondered when he'd see her again.

* * *

River hadn't detoured to the medical section after meeting with Captain Box-ticker – _thank you, Mal_ – to give him his orders. Saying goodbye to Mal had been hard enough. If she were to think about it too much, or all the things she'd seen and felt in his mind, she'd fall apart. And she couldn't afford that now. She'd headed straight to the shuttle bay, because she couldn't stand to say goodbye to anyone else from her family.

She'd just forgotten that one member of her family would be there.

Serenity looked out of place next to the neat ranks of identical Alliance shuttles. Worn, battered; home. River ignored the Alliance lackeys talking at her and strode across the shuttle bay.

There was no time to go on board, and she wouldn't want to even if there were. She'd left Serenity behind her now, and there was no going back. But she pressed a hand to one of the panels within her reach and closed her eyes.

_Thank you, Serenity. Please look after them, keep them all safe. Please._

The ensign who'd drawn the short straw of having to follow her was standing several feet back, still trying to work up the courage to clear his throat. River didn't wait; she asked without turning, "Shuttle port C-3, correct?"

The ensign said nervously, "That's correct, sir."

"Dismissed," River told him.

He hovered a few seconds longer, but retreated before she was forced to turn and glare at him.

_Time to go_ , River told herself, and lowered her hand slowly, stroking over Serenity's surface. _Goodbye, Serenity. Fly true._

She turned resolutely and found her way to the shuttle port she'd read from the ensign's mind. It would have been impossible to miss, whether she'd had the number or not; she could sense what was waiting for her there.

The ship was small, far smaller than Serenity, but still larger than a shuttle – big enough for three or four people, perhaps. It was modern but not top of the line, the kind of ship that no one would notice or give any thought to.

The door opened at her approach. River didn't request permission to go aboard; she simply stepped inside and took the thud of the door shutting behind her for the signal it was.

_Welcome aboard_ , Kuen thought to her sardonically. _You might as well come through to the bridge._

She could feel the ship moving already, taking off now that she was on board. The distance between her mind and Mal's, Simon's, the others', was already growing.

She reached the bridge in time to see the Alliance vessel receding into the distance behind them as Kuen pushed his ship to full burn. A last moment, two, and then the touch of her family's minds was gone and there was only Kuen, all around her.

He was sitting in the pilot's seat, ignoring her for the moment as he punched course calculations into the ship's computer. He looked much as he had at the party where she'd seen him again for the first time – dark brown hair, pale skin, dressed less finely now. She wouldn't have recognised him based on his appearance alone – it was strange to think, but they'd only met physically at the Academy once or twice, and neither of them had been in good condition on those few occasions. It was his mind that was unmistakable, the same mind she'd clung to for balance and flinched from when it echoed back his pain on top of hers.

She'd have passed him in the street, just like anyone else would, would have taken him for the nondescript nobody he appeared to be. Except for that mind, which she would know anywhere.

Kuen finished up plotting their course and swung his seat round to look at her, assessing her. River held his gaze.

"I suppose we might as well get started," Kuen said. "We've got a lot of work ahead of us."

River didn't have time to do more than brace herself before his mind was tearing into hers again, cutting his way in deeper and deeper, reaching for the knives buried deep inside her and dragging them out into the open, uncaring of whether he sliced her open in the process.

River screamed as the blood spread in her mind, and she was still screaming when darkness overtook her.

* * *

_Blood, blood, drowning in a sea of it, metallic tang of it at the back of his throat –_

Mal opened his eyes, breathing hard, and scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to force the residue of the nightmare away.

Ten days since River had left, a week since Simon had been transferred back to Serenity and they'd taken off before the Alliance captain could shake off his fear of River and change his mind about letting them go. Ten days with a grieving, gutted crew and ten nights with bloody dreams.

Mal got up, splashed water on his face, pulled on enough clothes to be decent, and headed out of his bunk to prowl around his ship.

Serenity seemed empty. It always did, when he lost a member of his crew. The hole Inara had left behind hadn't really healed until she'd come back – and he was still all manner of grateful that she'd stayed after they'd reached the end of the road between them, because that had been hard enough to recover from without losing her from his crew as well. He'd felt Book's absence more keenly than he'd expected; the preacher had crept up on him, and Mal had found himself valuing his counsel, if not his god. Wash... There was a wound that still ran deep, and even if it was slowly starting to heal around the edges, it would be a long time before Serenity and her crew stopped feeling it. He wasn't sure Zoe ever would.

Mal paused on the catwalk, resting his arms on the rails, staring down over the silent, dark space of the cargo bay.

And now River. It was strange to think how long ago it was since she'd come aboard as just a slip of a girl, half-crazy and wandering around in the shadows of his ship, saying things that made more sense than he'd wanted to admit to himself. But she'd fought her way back from what they'd done to her, fought her way through the demons inside her own mind, and the woman who'd emerged out the other side... Well. She'd been a shooting star on his ship, right enough, and he almost hadn't realised how much he'd been drawn in by her glow until the Alliance had reached out and taken her away again.

"Captain."

Mal didn't jump, but it was a near thing. He turned to see the doctor walking towards him. Simon was dressed for sleep, barefoot, a pang of reminder of his sister that Mal didn't need. The doctor still didn't look himself; it would take time for the hair the surgeons had shaved off to grow back, though the bandages were down to a small, neat patch that would probably be gone soon enough.

"Doctor," Mal acknowledged. "Kaylee know you're up and about?"

Simon's face flickered with one of those not-quite smiles he had a tendency to use around Mal. "She's sleeping. Which is good, I don't think she's been getting much sleep."

True enough, Mal knew. Kaylee had been like a lioness watching over her mate ever since Simon had been shot; Mal had taken note and decided that all teasing about their relationship was well and truly off-limits for the foreseeable future.

"But I've been sleeping a lot, and I wanted to talk to you," Simon went on.

Mal nodded, because it was obvious enough what this was about. "Speak your piece, Doctor."

Simon came and leaned back against the rail beside him. "I'd rather you did, actually. I know River spoke to you before she left. What did she say?"

Mal looked down at his hands tightening around the rail. "A lot. She told me she'd made a deal with that hun dan. They weren't going to treat you otherwise."

From the corner of his eye he saw Simon's jaw clench, but the doctor was no fool and this was nothing he hadn't already worked out for himself.

"She said not to let you blame yourself," Mal added more gently.

Simon was silent for a moment. "I remember what it was like to have him in my head," he said finally. "It was... easy."

Mal did shoot him a glance at that, because it wasn't what he'd expected.

"And I can't help but think – if I'd fought harder, if I'd found a way to resist, if I'd..." Simon trailed off, then rallied. "But it wouldn't make a difference. It could have been Kaylee. It could have been Sying. It could have been anyone. I know that. I just – but none of it matters. All that matters is getting her back."

"She promised she'd come back," Mal told him.

"It's not that I don't think she wants to," Simon said. "She loves this ship, she loves... but it's not as easy as that. If they're hurting her again – you didn't see her, last time."

"I saw enough," Mal said tightly, "and you know me well enough by now to know I ain't got no love for the idea of her in Alliance hands."

Simon shook his head. "I didn't mean –"

"She's strong," Mal said. "She'll be all right. She'll do what she needs to, and she'll find her way back to us."

He believed in River, and maybe if he told himself that often enough, he'd believe it really would work out like that, and she'd walk back onto his ship one day like she'd never left it.

"You're not going to do anything?" Simon demanded, his voice rising. "You're just going to carry on as if –"

Mal turned on him and stared him down. "I don't see a good gorram thing else I _can_ do. We've no clue where that hun dan took her, no idea what's going on, and no way to help even if we found out –"

"I'm not just going to _let her go_ and I can't believe you are either!" Simon yelled.

"Don't try me, Doctor," Mal warned. By god, but the man could infuriate him like no one else. "I've killed for her. I've risked my life for her, and my ship and the lives of my crew. You want us to go chasing after her? Fine. Do we just pick a direction at random? Oh, and when we find her, what then? Swoop in and hope he doesn't make you shoot Kaylee in the head next time? _What?_ "

Simon was the one to break their staring match, looking down at the metal mesh of the catwalk, and Mal cursed himself for the thrice-bedamned idiot he was. _Look after the others_ , River had asked him, and _Don't let Simon blame himself_ , and here he was having a yelling match with her brother in the middle of the night, with Simon still pale and not quite steady on his feet and sick with worry about her.

He put a hand on Simon's shoulder, ignoring the way the doctor tried to flinch away, and steered him firmly into the kitchen. He sat him down at the table and busied himself digging the moonshine out from where Kaylee had hidden it a week ago, then poured them both a generous measure.

"I'm not sure I'm supposed to drink alcohol quite yet," Simon said faintly, staring at his mug.

Mal sat down opposite him and picked up his own mug with a shrug. "You're the doctor. Doubt anyone'll argue with you over it."

Simon eyed the mug for another moment, then picked it up and took a hesitant sip. He grimaced at the taste, then took another, more determined sip.

"Ain't nobody letting her go," Mal said finally. "Not you, not me – nobody. Even Jayne wants her back, and I'll admit I didn't conjure I'd ever see that day."

They'd landed on a backwater moon two days back, just long enough to refuel. Jayne had vanished into the village for three hours and come back reeking of alcohol, one hell of a shiner on his face, and muttering about how bar brawls were no rutting fun any more.

A weak smile flickered on Simon's face, but it was a real one, not one of those plastic grimaces he usually turned on Mal.

"Minute we find a way of helping her, we will," Mal said. "She finds a way to get free, if she needs help, anything – I told her we'll pick her up anywhere in the 'verse, minute she gets word to us."

Simon nodded. There was a faint suggestion of colour reappearing in his face. Probably just the alcohol, but Mal would take what he could get.

"There are people we could contact," Simon said finally. "The group that helped me get her out the first time – they might know something. Or be able to find out."

Mal felt his heart pound harder, because he hadn't thought there was anything they could do but wait, and the idea that there was something, no matter how small – "Write down their names, how you contacted them, everything, and we'll do it."

Simon nodded and looked down at his mug. "They might refuse to talk to us," he added quietly. "I gave them all the money I could the first time. They know I don't have any now."

"I'm sure we can make them listen to reason," Mal said lightly, because he'd found that Jayne and Zoe with guns in their hands made a mighty persuasive sight to most folks.

Simon gave him an odd look, half-wary, half-amused, and drained the rest of his mug. "I'm sure."

" _Here_ you are," Kaylee said, appearing in the doorway, her expression a mixture of alarm and exasperation and relief. "What're you – are you two _drinkin'_?"

Mal drained the rest of his mug. "Not any more?" he offered.

"The doctors said no alcohol until you was done with those meds," Kaylee said, already levering Simon up from the table.

"I'm fine, Kaylee, honestly," Simon said. "The captain and I were just – talking."

Kaylee was a smart woman, smart enough to probably put together the entire sequence of events from that. Smart enough to smile, because she knew that whatever argument they'd had, they'd sorted it out if they were far enough along to be drinking together.

"Well, enough talkin' for the middle of one night," she said firmly, leaning against Simon until he was forced to wrap an arm around her back, then setting off before he could figure out a way to take his own weight. "Bed now."

Simon cast Mal one helpless look over Kaylee's head and Mal raised his mug to him in a silent toast. Resigned to his fate, Simon let her lead him down the hallway, and Mal grinned and poured himself another mug.

He took it up to the bridge and settled down in the pilot's seat, looking out at the black. Sitting up here, River felt close, like she'd slip in any moment and curl up in the co-pilot's seat.

_I miss you_ , he thought, like she was close enough to hear. _I miss you, River_.

* * *

_Blood, blood, drowning in a sea of it, metallic tang of it at the back of her throat –_

_The needle punches into her head and she screams and screams –_

_Thoughts and memories and secrets, they cut deep and they're not hers but they're inside her –_

The cup shoved into her hands forced her back to the here and now. She blinked and studied the cup. It was only half full of water, but her hands were shaking badly enough to slosh it over the sides anyway.

"Drink," Kuen said. "You'll get dehydrated."

Mechanically, River raised the cup to her lips and drank. It was a battle not to vomit it straight back up, but she managed to keep it down.

She still couldn't seem to stop shaking.

"It's because you suppressed the memories for so long," Kuen said clinically. "It's a kind of shock. It'll pass eventually."

River took another sip of water and struggled for control of her mind.

She'd fought him, at first. That first week had been a kind of hell, almost worse than the Academy itself because there had been no respite. Kuen had ripped out every suppressed memory and held it up to the light, torn down every block she'd raised to defend her sanity, forced her to remember and relive every moment she'd spent at the Academy.

River had fought back. She'd thrown every ounce of pain she'd felt and was feeling straight back at him, flaying the walls of his mind. She'd thrown her rage and grief at everything he'd done to her – attacking Kaylee, attacking Simon, forcing her to leave Serenity.

He'd hit back with his own experiences at the Academy. The burning jealousy that someone had cared enough to get her out. The sense of betrayal that she'd left him, even as he envied her and knew he'd have done the same. The rage that had grown as the scientists had refocused their attention on him. The despair, because no one was coming for him – not even her.

They'd fought for a week, without pausing because they couldn't ever stop thinking, trapped in each other's nightmares, unable to stop their minds from lashing out, unable to escape each other or stop feeling, stop _hurting_. The ship's computer had told them later that it had been a week; to River it had seemed an endless span of time, full of blood and screaming and darkness.

After a week, they'd reached... not a truce, but an exhaustion. There was a limit to how much they could endure. And after a week of constant exposure to each other's memories, each other's pain, each other's point of view, they'd found it was impossible to hate each other.

Kuen had forced Simon to shoot himself. But he'd chosen the bullet's path very carefully, for her sake.

River had left, and she hadn't come to rescue Kuen and the others. But she'd been placed in cryo and taken halfway across the system before she'd even woken, and she'd been mostly out of her head for a long time afterwards.

Kuen had killed Enlai, in a dark fit of despair and resentment, and River hadn't forgiven him for that yet, still didn't understand how he could have done it.

For the past three days, they'd tried to accept rather than lashing out at each other. They hadn't always succeeded; they still found themselves in spiralling mental conflicts every few hours. But in between they tried to rest, and just listen without lashing out.

River was still trying to make sense out of the chaos in her head. The memories Kuen had dragged out into the light were nightmarish, all the things she hadn't been able to cope with. They kept hitting her, more real than the ship around her, leaving her shaking and fighting for air.

Kuen left her to it, most of the time, intervening only if he thought she was trying to suppress something again, in which case he'd drag the memory back out and force her through it.

"Better now than later," Kuen said now. "You'll be the stronger for it. Otherwise your mind will always be a house of cards. And you're no use to anyone like that."

River hated him for the callous way he said it, and there was a moment when they could have tipped over into another mental clash, but she looked down at the cup of water instead and forced herself to think of another memory.

_It's not safe inside my mind_ , she'd told Mal once, his hand resting warm over hers.

Kuen pulled up another memory and pushed it at her. _Having no-go areas inside your own mind, that ain't good for you_ , Mal had said.

_He was right_ , Kuen added. _Believe him, if you won't believe me._

River had the sick feeling he was right, they were both right. But Mal wouldn't have done this to her. He wouldn't have torn her apart like this.

"He doesn't know what you're capable of," Kuen said. "I do." And he was remembering, at one and the same time, her killing the Academy's psychiatrist and her having sex with Enlai, despair and hope, all her extremes.

River shuddered at the two overlaid memories, shook her way through another flashback of blood and lights and panic, then rested her head against the wall, gasping.

_Rewire your mind_ , she told herself _. Be Serenity. Patch what won't work, repair what you can. She can still fly true, no matter how badly she's hurt._

Ten days ago, Kuen would have responded with cutting sarcasm, but ten days of exposure to her mind had affected him as much as it had affected her. He understood her attachment to Serenity and her crew now, had experienced it from the inside, and he remained silent and let her think what she wanted.

_Remember the engine room_ , River thought to herself. _Remember the things Kaylee taught you_.

She dozed again, after a while, and for once her dreams were full of spinning engines and sparking wires instead of blood and knives and needles.

She woke eventually and felt more present in her surroundings than she had since she'd first come on board. She'd been so caught up in her head and Kuen's since then that she'd paid no attention to where she was.

She was sitting on the floor in a small kitchen, huddled against the wall. The furthest point away from the bridge, she realised after a moment; at some point early in their week-long war of mutual annihilation, she and Kuen must have retreated to opposite ends of the ship. For what little good it had done them: their combined mental range was far too great for that tiny distance to make any difference. But neither of them had been thinking rationally at the time.

River picked herself up. Her legs were shaky, as if she'd been ill; it was perhaps not so far from the truth. She helped herself to a fresh cup of water and a small slice of a protein bar, then wandered slowly through the ship to the bridge.

Kuen was guiding the ship down into the atmosphere of a planet, but he actually spared her a glance as she entered, judging her by her physical appearance as well as her mental state. River sat down in the co-pilot's chair and looked at the instruments to distract herself from her homesickness for Serenity.

"Greenleaf," Kuen said. "We'll be here for a day or two."

River studied the planet; Serenity had visited it a few times, but Kuen seemed to be steering his ship to a different port.

"There's money through in the common area," Kuen said. "You can go and buy some new clothes while I'm gone."

_He has a mission_ , River thought, and the word sent a jolt through her body. The feeling passed after a moment and she drew her legs up, hugging them against her body, trying to stop shaking.

"An assignment," Kuen corrected her sharply. "I don't – we don't do missions. We carry out assignments."

River frowned, but he was holding the explanation and the details of the assignment away from her, keeping her out of that part of his mind. She turned to look at him in surprise.

Kuen gave her a sardonic, tight-lipped smile. _Did you think I hadn't picked up any tricks in the past three years?_

_How are you doing that?_ River asked.

_You're not ready yet_ , Kuen said. "You can't build on a house of cards," he added out loud.

He guided the ship down into the allocated berth at the docks and ran through the post-landing sequences. River observed silently, noting the similarities and differences to Serenity and her shuttles. She would be able to take off, fly and land now if she had to.

"Restock the ship's supplies if you want something useful to do," Kuen said curtly, and then he was gone, just like that.

River stayed curled in her seat for a while longer, lost in her mind. But eventually she forced herself to her feet, collected the money Kuen had mentioned, and left the ship, setting the security locks behind her.

She wandered slowly through the crowded docks. It was strange to be surrounded by people again after that terrible, endless week with no mind but Kuen's in range, while his was inescapable. The crowds were loud and impossible to shut out, but they were also fleeting and impersonal, soothing after the stifling atmosphere on board Kuen's ship. River let her feet guide her through the crowds. There was no rush.

She could run, of course. She could try to hide, try to find a ship that would take her off-world – she could even steal Kuen's. But there was a reason why Kuen hadn't bothered to issue any warnings or threats. The situation hadn't changed, not really. If she tried to run, Kuen would be able to find her. If somehow she did manage to escape, he would be able to find Serenity and her family. Kuen didn't need to stand guard over her or hold a gun to her head. He had far more effective means of keeping her under control.

The marketplace just off the docks was like the marketplaces she'd visited on a dozen larger worlds. River drifted through it, and finally stopped at a clothing stall. Kuen had had a point about buying clothes. She'd left the Alliance vessel with nothing but the clothes she'd been wearing, and after wearing them for the past ten days she was in dire need of new ones.

She took her purchases back to the ship, retreating from the press of minds all around her for a little while, and washed and changed and ate. She felt... better, she thought. Not right, yet, but less shaky than before, and less like she'd only just recovered from a serious illness.

She went out again a few hours later, as the sun was setting and the air cooling, the wind ruffling her hair. It was strange to be alone, even as she was surrounded by strangers' minds. She'd never been alone on Serenity, not really. She'd always had people who cared about her nearby.

They were probably thinking about her now, wondering where she was and whether she was all right. She hoped they weren't trying to find her. She hoped they were still flying.

River bought paper and pen and then sat for at least an hour, staring at the blank page. There were so many things she didn't dare say, even though a message on paper was less likely to be intercepted than a wave. And even more things that there was no point in saying. There was no way to explain what Kuen had done, the terrible hell that the past ten days had been, or how she felt now.

Eventually, she wrote, _I miss you all. Take care._

She marked it for Captain Malcolm Reynolds and arranged for it to be sent to one of the points where the crew had mail and supplies sent. There was no way to know when they'd receive it, but it didn't really matter.

The sentiment would remain true, regardless.

* * *

Mal retreated to the bridge after dinner to work on the course calculations. Wash had been a whizz at them, and River had loved doing them, her genius brain speeding through them like Serenity at full burn. Mal was nothing like as fast as either of them, but with a decent computer he could get them done.

In the six weeks that River had been gone, he and Zoe and Inara had all had to spend more time on the calculations and on flying. He and Zoe had never actually discussed the fact that they didn't want to take anyone new on as a pilot, but he knew they were both united on it. So they all three put in more shifts and none of them complained. The workload was the least of the ways that River was missed, after all.

"Need a hand, sir?" Zoe asked from the doorway.

"Sure," Mal said, sitting back with a sigh. He enjoyed the solitude of being on the bridge by himself, but Zoe didn't count. And he could use a hand with the fiendish math, he wasn't going to lie.

Zoe settled down in the co-pilot's seat and they worked in silence until they'd completed the calculations. Probably in less than half the time Mal would have needed by himself, if he was honest.

Work done, Mal leaned back in his seat with a sigh and took a sip of his tea, which was stone cold at this point. He drank it anyway.

He'd half-expected Zoe to leave, but she settled back in her own seat, studying the black outside.

They sat in comfortable silence for a long time before Zoe spoke. "I thought we might find her on Lux."

"It was a long shot," Mal said. A long shot, but he'd been as sorely disappointed as Simon, as all the rest of the crew. They'd put out a lot of feelers, shaken down every contact they still had – Inara had even used her channels. But there had been nothing but dead end after dead end, and even the planet where River's Academy had been located had yielded no sign of her. Mal hadn't given up, but he'd had to accept that for now there was nothing he could do but wait.

"That it was," Zoe agreed. "Even so."

They lapsed back into silence until finally Mal asked, "Might be a stupid question..."

Zoe raised her eyebrows, eloquently conveying _You? Ask a stupid question? Imagine my shock_ , but at the same time also _It's me, it's not like I'm going to judge you any more than I already do_.

Mal acknowledged the dual message with a slight shake of his head and went on. "You been dreaming much, since River went?"

Zoe frowned. "Some, but nothing out of the usual, or at least not that I remember." Her gaze sharpened. "I take that to mean you have?"

Mal shook his head again, more in uncertainty than denial. "Yeah. But I'm not rightly sure what it means. Maybe nothing."

"You think it might be River," Zoe said rather than asked. "You think she's close? Or are there times where the dreams stop?"

"No pattern that I can see," Mal said, "and don't seem like it would be her going out of range and coming back closer. Don't see how she could have been within range all that time, we've surely travelled far enough since we lost her." He looked away, staring out at the black. "Might just be nightmares that don't mean anything."

They were silent for a few moments before Zoe asked, "Bad?"

Mal knew she wouldn't press if he didn't tell her. He also knew that Zoe knew a thing or two about nightmares – and that what she was really wondering was what they might reveal about what was happening to River, if it really was her reaching out to him. "Bad, but nothing... literal. Blood, lots of blood. Sometimes knives and needles, but for the most part just – drowning in blood."

Zoe gave that some thought. "Might be her," she said finally. "Could well imagine you having nightmares about what happened with her, but that don't necessarily sound like what I'd expect your mind to come up with. Sounds more like River's kind of thing."

"Maybe," Mal said. "No way to be sure. Anyway, I was just wonderin' if you'd noticed anything. I know you two are close."

Zoe shrugged. "We are. Maybe not like you and her are, though."

Mal slanted a careful look in her direction. "We've always gotten along, I guess," he said. "And she's reached out to me with her mind in emergencies before."

"There's that as well, of course," Zoe said, her poker face firmly in place, and that was what told Mal she already had her suspicions.

Mal sighed, but Zoe could out-wait a dead man. "We kissed," he admitted finally. "Right before she left."

Zoe's eyes widened for a moment, but she simply nodded.

Mal waited, but nothing else seemed to be forthcoming. "Go on, you might as well say it."

"What's that, sir?" Zoe asked neutrally.

"That I'm a dirty-minded old man who will richly deserve it when the doc drugs me and amputates crucial parts of my anatomy," Mal said, meeting her steady gaze.

Zoe's mouth twitched. "Sounds like you're already telling yourself that."

Mal slumped back in his chair, suddenly exhausted. "Maybe I am."

Zoe was quiet for a few minutes, thinking, before she spoke again. "If I didn't know either of you, maybe I'd think that way. But I do. And I notice you didn't say that _you_ kissed _her_." She shrugged. "River knows her own mind, and I respect her. She's young, I'll grant you, and you'll need to keep that in mind. But she's an adult, and she ain't exactly your average twenty-year-old. Can't really picture her with your average twenty-year-old, either." Her smile broke through, teasing and fond. "I won't be the one who warns Simon to sharpen his knives, sir."

"That's all manner of comfortin'," Mal said, deadpan. And yet it was. Zoe knew him as well as anyone could, and he trusted her judgement over anyone else's. She knew River, too. If she didn't think Mal was heading straight to the special hell over this... well, it was something.

"Not like it makes any difference now anyway," he added quietly.

Except it did, because he hadn't been able to get that kiss out of his head. It had been unexpected, but over the past six weeks he'd found himself going back and re-analysing everything, every time he and River had touched, every time they'd confided in each other. And unexpected it may have been, but the kiss hadn't come out of nowhere. It was impossible now to pinpoint exactly when his feelings for River had begun to shift, but they had.

And now she was gone.

"She'll find her way back to us," Zoe said with complete confidence. "Give her time."

* * *

"We'll be here for three days," Kuen said as they ran through the post-landing checklists together.

River had spent almost two months now crashing up against the mental walls he built around what he was doing, what he wanted with her, and she felt rage abruptly surge up in her like it hadn't since that terrible first week.

Kuen spared her a wary sideways glance.

"I want to know what's going on," River said, sitting back in her chair and looking at him. "It's been months. You didn't go to the length of _making my brother shoot himself_ just to get me to sit around on your ship. I know the Parliament's pulling your strings, and they definitely didn't –"

_You know **nothing**_ , Kuen's mind lashed out at her, and for a moment they were locked together again, struggling the way they had in the first week, his mind tearing into hers –

_The guard's gun in her hand, a way to win after all –_

_Blood, so much blood, drowning in it –_

_A warm hand over his, **I promise** _ –

River regained awareness of her surroundings to find herself huddled on the ground next to the console, shaking. Kuen was crouching in front of her, his hand outstretched. He drew it back as she blinked and looked up.

"That's why," he said shortly. "You're not stable yet. You're not _ready_ to do more than sit around on the ship."

River didn't bother to argue the point, not when she was still trembling. Her episodes, as Simon would no doubt call them, had become a lot less frequent, but they were still happening regularly.

She thought Kuen would simply leave to take care of whatever assignment he had waiting for him, but he settled back into the pilot's seat instead, watching her steadily.

River swallowed and forced herself to her feet and back into the co-pilot's seat, taking his continued presence for the olive branch it was. "You said I know nothing. Fine, but that's not going to change if you shut me out of your mind and refuse to tell me anything."

Kuen studied her, and she felt his mind press closer, assessing her mental state and thoughts and intentions. She made no attempt to resist, letting him read what he would. It wasn't like she had any secrets left from him at this stage; he'd already seen all there was to see. She'd seen a lot of him too, that first week, but most of that was still fragmented and nonsensical in her mind, impossible to piece back together without his help.

"The Parliament's not what you think," Kuen began.

River couldn't help her flash of cynical certainty that this was the Academy's brainwashing speaking.

Kuen glared at her. "I told you, you've no idea what you're talking about," he said sharply. "The Academy was sanctioned by a parliamentary subcommittee, not Parliament as a whole. Six Members of Parliament knew about it, no more. Not all of them are like that."

_And you know that how?_ River thought.

"I know because a Member of Parliament shut it down," Kuen said, cold and deliberate. "You vanished without a second thought for the rest of us, sailing off into the black, but _I managed to get Parliament to shut the Academy down_. So don't you dare sit there thinking I've been brainwashed into being a good little puppet, because you don't know what you're talking about."

River stared at him and swallowed hard. "Shut down?"

The hard line of Kuen's jaw softened somewhat. "Yes."

_The others?_ River thought. Because no matter what Kuen wanted to believe, she had thought about them. But for so long she hadn't been able to get more than a tenuous grip on what was going on around her, and after... After, she hadn't been able to bear thinking about the Academy, hadn't wanted to remember anything about it.

"Safe," Kuen said. "When Parliament shut down the Academy they were moved to an institute where they're receiving specialist help." His voice was stripped bare of all emotion, but his mind wasn't, and he wasn't trying to keep her out, not right now. "No one knows if they'll ever recover. They were all in a bad way. But they're getting help." _They're not being hurt any more._

She could see the facilities in his mind – Kuen had visited them before the others had been moved there, to make sure they would be adequate. She could see the progress reports he received from time to time. They weren't hopeful, but...

_Lian's making some progress, and Will. The others... they just need more time_ , Kuen thought, his mental tone shaded with determination, hope, worry. _Even if they don't recover completely – they'll get better. They will._

_I hope so_ , River replied, and let him see how much she meant it. _Maybe you're right, they just need more time, and help. I did. You did too, didn't you?_

Kuen's mind pulled back instantly, barriers holding back whatever his mental reaction to that had been, and he got up.

"Three days," he said curtly and was gone.

River drew her legs up and allowed herself the luxury of shivering, letting her body work out some of the shock from the latest flashbacks. It took time to recover, it always did. Kuen wasn't entirely wrong when he said she wasn't stable enough to get involved in whatever it was he did yet.

_That's because he destroyed all your mental defences_ , she reminded herself. Because Kuen had forced her to come with him, had hurt Kaylee and nearly killed Simon, and he'd caused such damage to her mind that she still hadn't recovered, months later. Whatever he was, he wasn't blameless.

And yet she couldn't help wondering just how badly he'd been brainwashed before the Academy had been shut down. What else they'd managed to do to him in the months after her escape. Which puppeteer was pulling his strings now, and whether or not they had his best interests at heart.

He wasn't blameless. But River suspected he was a victim too, even now.

* * *

_Hands of blue –_

_Red hands, blood on them, blood everywhere –_

_Minds made up of rage and horror, no mercy –_

River emerged from the flashbacks and didn't realise she was screaming until the noise she'd been vaguely conscious of cut out as she threw up.

She knelt on all fours, her body racked with sobs, fighting for breath, to stop shaking, to stop retching, to _stop_.

_Kuen!_

There was no reply, of course – it was the evening of the second day on the planet and there had been no sign of Kuen since he'd strode out the day before. But right now River didn't care if he was carrying out an assignment, didn't care if Kuen would simply lash out at her, didn't care if neither of them had any idea how they really felt about each other – she needed to feel the mind of someone who knew her, who cared if she lived or died.

She reached out with her mind, skimming the thoughts of the crews of other ships, the usual port traders, dock security, tourists and visitors and residents, workers and thieves and people who fell somewhere in between –

And Kuen, his mind familiar and focused, who had a gun in his hand. He fired and the mind nearest him winked out even as River brushed it.

She shouldn't have been surprised, not after everything he'd already done, but feeling it immediately after her flashback sent a shock right through her, and she was violently sick again.

_Stay back_ , Kuen told her, batting her mind away just the way she'd thought he might, and the world spun dizzily around her as she lost her connection to his mind and her grip on where and who she was.

_A little girl, sleeping five floors up, dreaming of stones rolling down a hill._

_A woman, her mind stark with grief and pain as she stared at her husband's corpse and screamed._

_A sniper, finger already tightening on the trigger, staring through his sights at Kuen._

**_Kuen_.**

There was a split-second when their minds locked again, teetering on the brink. There was no time for Kuen to locate the sniper's mind himself, no time for anything but their shared realisation that all River had to do was _nothing_ and he would be dead.

She could see it in his mind and hers – she would take his ship, be out of the world before anyone could connect his corpse to it, track down Serenity and rejoin her crew, safe this time –

She would be free, and all she needed to do was –

River _twisted_ the sniper's mind, and he collapsed on the rooftop, eyes unseeing, gun clattering from his nerveless hands.

She wasn't sure whether she or Kuen were more shocked, but it echoed between them, rebounding back and forth even as Kuen started moving again, heading back to the ship. It still hadn't entirely subsided when Kuen let himself on board fifteen minutes later.

They stared at each other, at a loss for words, far too many emotions ricocheting back and forth between them: confusion-shock-anger-uncertainty-gratitude-relief-confusion.

Finally, Kuen pulled himself together. _I'll clean this up_ , he thought to her, crossing to stand in front of her, nodding to the mess she'd made when she'd thrown up. _You plot our course in the meantime._

He reached down, and River took his hand and let him pull her to her feet. He didn't let go until she was steady.

_Where are we heading?_ she asked.

Kuen met her eyes. _Londinium_ , he thought. Then, aloud: "There's someone I want you to meet."

* * *

Amnon was as welcome a sight as ever as he grinned at Mal. "Been a while, Mal. Was starting to think you might have run into some trouble you couldn't handle."

Mal managed a grin for him, though it was truer than he'd have liked. "Yeah, well, things have been busy. Kaylee's been nagging me about that part we ordered, though. It come in yet?"

"Few bits and pieces here for you, could be it's among them," Amnon said, and slapped the paperwork down in front of him. "You sign and I'll dig out what I've got for your crew."

Mal obediently signed the paperwork, then leaned against the counter and turned to scan the space station. It was as crowded as ever, people thronging to buy things, eat food, visit the amazing mutated cow foetus that was being billed as an alien. Mal supposed folks had all kinds of needs.

His crew had scattered to spend time and coin off-ship, but Mal had no concerns. They'd had no Alliance interference in the past couple of months, not since River had been taken, and he had the suspicion that her deal with Kuen had extended to that too. He'd just had to worry about the usual kind of not-smooth their jobs tended to go, not the kind of not-smooth that came from Alliance operatives breathing down their necks.

The price hadn't been worth paying.

Kaylee wandered up to the counter, her arm looped through Simon's. "Hey, Cap'n. Did it come in?"

"Amnon says there's a few things for us," Mal told her. "Should be; you placed that order, what, a week ago now?"

"Ten days," Simon said.

Zoe and Inara appeared. Sying was holding Zoe's hand, his other hand clutching an ice planet that he was devouring eagerly if inexpertly, and Mal couldn't help but grin at the sight.

"Here we go," Amnon said, reappearing and slapping a few deliveries down on the desk. "Hey there, Kaylee, I hear one of these is for you."

"Hope so!" Kaylee said cheerily, dropping Simon's arm to inspect the biggest box. She tore into it and beamed at whatever was inside. "This looks good."

Mal was more interested in the rest of their mail. A package for Jayne, that would be from his mother – something for Inara, probably from her Guild – and a thin envelope addressed to him. He slit it open and stiffened, taking in the six words in an instant.

_I miss you all. Take care._

"– should mean I can – Cap'n?" Kaylee trailed off at whatever his expression was.

Mal paid her no heed, already rounding on a startled-looking Amnon. "When the gorram hell did this arrive?"

"A month or so back," Amnon said with growing wariness. "Weren't marked priority or I'd have waved you –"

"Ni ta ma de. Tianxia suoyou de ren. Dou gaisi," Mal muttered devoutly.

"Is that –" Simon snatched the page from him, all colour draining from his face. "Oh my god. River."

The others were congregating round now, all talking at once, trying to look at her message. Mal ignored them all. "Amnon, I need to know where it was sent from, and when – exactly when. And anything else you can find out, and by anything I mean _everything_ , or so help me –"

Amnon raised his hands placatingly. "I'm on it, Mal. Calm down."

Mal was in no mood to calm down, but Amnon was already hurrying to track down the relevant paperwork, so Mal settled for glaring after him.

Zoe was a steadying presence next to him when he turned around. "This is good," she said quietly.

Mal forced himself to exhale. "Yeah," he agreed roughly.

"It's not a code, I don't think," Simon said, still peering at the letter as if he could force it to tell him more by sheer force of will. "She's used codes in the past, when... when she wrote to me from the Academy. But this isn't..."

"Here," Amnon said behind him, and Mal turned back to him, examining the paperwork Amnon placed down on the counter.

"Greenleaf," he read aloud. "'Bout two weeks after she was taken. Paid in cash."

"We should go," Simon said at once. "Greenleaf is what, five days from here –"

Mal turned round and glared at him, because the situation was bad enough without the doctor trying to give orders. But Simon was clearly desperate with hope, flushed and unthinking, and this was River. Just this once, Mal would give him a break.

"No point," Mal told him simply.

"This is the best lead we've had!" Simon said.

Mal shook his head, exhaustion settling into his bones. "We know where she was six weeks ago. Like as not she was gone again hours after she sent this, or she wouldn't have been given the chance to send it in the first place." He turned back to Amnon before Simon could do more than open his mouth to argue. "We get any more mail like this – anything where you ain't certain what it is – you send me a wave right away, you understand? And include where and when it was sent in the wave. Dong ma?"

"Got it," Amnon said steadily, and that was why Mal liked the man. "Sorry, Mal. If I'd known..."

Mal waved off the apology tiredly, because there was no way Amnon could have known. Mal hadn't known himself – though he should have done. He should have known that River wouldn't send a wave, not when it could be so easily intercepted or tracked. He should have been checking in at all of their mail drops, just in case.

Which was a thought.

"All right," he said, turning back to his crew. "Here's what's gonna happen. You've all got two hours – stock up on what we need, refuel, visit the amazing mutated cow foetus, whatever. And track down Jayne. Then we're taking off, so don't none of you be late." He looked round at his crew, meeting each gaze in turn. "Greenleaf's a wasted trip. But there's a few other places we pick up supplies and mail, and I reckon it's time we went and stopped in at them. Two hours. Go."

His crew scattered – Kaylee tugging Simon back in the direction of the ship, her parcel clutched under one arm, Simon still holding River's letter; Inara exchanged a look with Zoe and then led Sying away towards the stalls.

"I'll let Jayne know," Zoe said. "Probably stocking up on ammo."

Mal nodded and she nodded back before striding off.

Amnon was too smart to offer any more apologies, but as Mal gathered up Jayne's parcel and River's envelope he said, "I'll wave you. You have my word."

"Thanks, Amnon," Mal said and set off back towards the ship.

Kaylee had clearly gone to deal with refuelling, because Simon was alone when he came up to the bridge while Mal was plotting their course. He still had River's letter in his hand.

"Do you really think it's likely she's sent anything to the other mail drops?" Simon asked without preamble.

"I don't know," Mal told him honestly. "But I conjure it's worth checking. And I'll feel better for knowing they all have instructions to wave us if she does in future."

Simon sagged back against the console. "Oh. That's true."

Mal gave him a hard look. "If I thought there were any chance she was still on Greenleaf, or even that we'd be able to track her from there, we'd be on our way already, believe me."

Simon nodded slowly. "I do, actually." He looked down at the letter, still clutched in his hand. "I wish – I wish she could have written more. Given us more to go on. This doesn't tell us anything."

"That's where you're wrong," Mal said, turning away from his work to look at Simon properly. "It tells us she's alive, and unharmed enough to write a letter. It tells us she's still enough in her right mind to remember us. It tells us she had enough freedom to write a letter and send it. All of which is a damn sight better than some of the things I've dreamed of, and I reckon you as well."

Simon stared at him, then looked down at the letter again, swallowing hard. "You're right," he said.

"'Course I am," Mal said, more cheerfully than he felt. "Now get out of here and do somethin' useful while I finish off these calculations."

"Yes, Captain," Simon said drily, but his voice was far calmer than before. The sound of his footsteps receded down the hallway.

Mal paused and then pulled out River's envelope from where he'd tucked it into his pocket, running his finger across the address. _Captain Malcolm Reynolds_ , his name in her calligraphic penmanship.

_We miss you too, darlin'_ , he thought to her, wherever she was now, whether she was close enough to hear him or not. _You take care your own self_.

* * *

River had only visited Londinium once before, with a school group as a child. They'd visited Parliament's visitors' centre and sat through a horrendously detailed lecture about parliamentary procedures. They'd visited museums and art galleries and locations of architectural interest, and River had been interested but not sad to return to Osiris three days later. She'd enjoyed travelling on the ship most of all, had annoyed Simon for weeks after by going on and on about it.

The capital city looked much as it had then, as they came in to land, but River saw it with different eyes now – eyes that had seen the hardship and deprivation outside the Core. And with a mind that had been opened: now she could feel the mental pressure of all the millions of people living there.

Kuen guided their ship down towards the military section of the docks, which surprised River, though perhaps it shouldn't have. His mind impatiently batted aside her half-formed concerns, however, and when he reeled off their ident codes and an authorisation number to the controllers they were given the number of a berth to land in without any delay. Passing through all the security to leave the docks was intimidating, but her ident card was accepted without any problems. Even so, she was relieved to leave the docks behind her.

Even on the streets, security was high: feds every few streets, cameras and sensors that monitored everything that was going on, random ident controls. After the comparative freedom out on the Rim, where you were more likely to have to show the colour of your coin than your ident card, it was unsettling.

The minds of the people around her were the same, though. Absorbed in their own lives, showing only the barest interest in what was going on around them.

_People are the same everywhere_ , Kuen said into her mind, bitterness-cynicism-resignation. "This way."

It was a long fifteen minutes to the apartment block Kuen led them to, a tall metal and glass monstrosity that River couldn't help but grimace at. Kuen shot her a glare and led the way to the elevator.

The elevator gave a discreet ding as they reached the seventh level. His ident card opened the elevator doors, which led directly into an apartment.

"Marie?" Kuen called out, striding inside.

River followed him, looking around at her surroundings curiously, a curiosity that was immediately redirected when a young woman hurried through from a neighbouring room and threw her arms around Kuen.

"You're back!" she said, hugging him tightly, her mind radiating relief and happiness. "It's been months, I was beginning to think you were never coming back."

"No rest for the wicked, you know that," Kuen said as they finally pulled back. He was smiling, and it was amazing how it transformed his face. His mind felt different too, lighter.

"Don't I ever," the woman agreed with a groan. Her eyes shifted to River and widened. "Is this –"

"This is River Tam," Kuen said. "River, this is Marie."

"So that's why Kuen's been gone so long. I'm so pleased he finally managed to persuade you to come back," Marie said enthusiastically, stepping forward to shake River's hand. "I'm sure it can't be easy for you, after everything that was done to you."

Her mind was open and bright and radiated sincerity, and River found herself subsumed in the woman's thoughts.

_– do him good to have someone like him – look at her, what lovely hair – brave to give us a second chance – someone to watch his back – can't blame her for running – those poor children – wish she'd come back sooner – Member Simmons will be pleased –_

River blinked and forced herself to focus on what was being said aloud. "I'm pleased to meet you," she said politely.

"You don't mind if River stays here for a while, do you?" Kuen asked.

"Of course she can stay here," Marie said. "Listen, I need to run, I'm going to be late, but go ahead and get her settled in." She kissed Kuen's cheek, picked up a thick folder and rushed out of the apartment, calling back, "I'll see you tonight!" over her shoulder.

River and Kuen were left standing in the apartment, looking at each other a little awkwardly.

"Come on," Kuen said finally. "I'll show you the spare room."

River followed him slowly, still sifting through the myriad impressions she'd picked up from Marie's mind. Twenty-eight. Idealistic. Ambitious. A staffer for a high-profile Member of Parliament – Member Simmons.

Kuen was very pointedly ignoring her thoughts. "Here," he said. The room was small, smaller than her bunk on Serenity, furnished in cream and pale green. River looked around without much interest. One prison cell was much the same as another.

_Not true_ , Kuen thought, a bitter memory resurfacing of the Academy that shook them both until he thrust it aside. _Besides – you could have just left me to die. We both know I'm not holding you prisoner at this stage._

River didn't bother replying even in her mind. There was a grain of truth in that, but only a grain: if she were to announce that she was returning to Serenity, they both knew that Kuen wouldn't just stand back and wave goodbye. _Tell me about Marie. She's the person you wanted me to meet._

_Yes_ , Kuen said, leading the way back through the apartment to the kitchen. He busied himself preparing drinks for them both, while River leaned against the table, watching him.

"She's the one who got me out," Kuen said finally, passing her a mug.

River had suspected that, from a dozen hints she'd picked up from their minds, but it was still interesting to have it confirmed. "How?"

Kuen settled down on a chair. "Member Simmons is chair of the Parliament's Scrutiny Committee. He'd heard something about the Academy and he sent Marie to Lux on an official visit on his behalf. Dr Mathias and the others got me to put on a show for her, but she knew something wasn't quite right."

His mind was recalling it – the clean yellow of Marie's thoughts and how it had felt to be in her mind after so long surrounded by the scientists and psychiatrists and security staff at the Academy. The way she'd looked at him and seen a person, not a weapon.

"You told her the truth," River said.

"Yes," Kuen said. "She insisted on speaking to me alone for a minute – they had surveillance on the room, of course, but they couldn't do anything: she's a staffer for Member Simmons, they couldn't exactly just kill her. She asked me if I was okay."

He fell silent but River could see the memory in his mind. How he'd told Marie that the students at the Academy were hurt, experimented on, that the staff cut into their brains – how he'd looked into her shocked hazel eyes and asked her to please, please help them.

How Marie had leaned forward and placed her hand over his, warm and unthinking, and told him, _It's going to be okay, Kuen. I promise._

"And she did it," Kuen said. "Her and Member Simmons, of course. She was gone an hour, maybe. She waved him and persuaded him to get the Academy shut down. I still don't know how they did it so fast, but she came back an hour later with a stack of paperwork taller than I was and took me out of there."

He'd been dazed, not quite able to believe it was really happening. Marie had kept hold of his hand, her mind bright with outrage and concern and fierce gladness that she could help him, and she'd led him out despite every argument and protest Dr Mathias and the others had marshalled.

_The others?_ Kuen had asked finally, still dazed and unresisting, and Marie had promised him that a team from the local hospital was on its way to pull them out and give them the care they needed.

_But I'm not leaving you there a moment longer_ , she'd thought fiercely, a vow to herself and all the more reassuring for that, and Kuen had clutched her hand and let her shepherd him to her ship.

She'd stayed with him through the doctors' examinations, her presence the only thing that could keep him calm, and then she'd brought him home to her apartment on Londinium and let him do little more than sleep for weeks, putting off the Members of Parliament who wanted to question him until he was stronger.

"She didn't originally mean for me to stay," Kuen said. "It was just going to be while I recovered. But my family..." He shook his head, and River remembered that feeling, that moment on Osiris when she'd realised her parents weren't her family any more. "And Marie is... amazing. So I stayed."

For a moment River could see again the wonder he felt at the touch of Marie's mind: someone who was determined to change the world to help others, someone who'd listened to him and helped him when no one else had. How it had been impossible to force himself to turn his back on that.

"I'm glad," River said. For all of it, and she knew Kuen was picking up on that – glad that the Academy had been closed, that the others were safe, that Kuen had someone of his own now.

She was glad, but it still didn't explain everything. Not the things she most needed to understand.

Kuen knew that, of course, because that sense of dazed wonder was gone as if it had never been, and in its place was the complicated tangle of emotion he felt towards her. _Anger/envy/uncertainty/longing/frustration/need_.

River pushed gently at his mind – not an attack, just a nudge, a reminder. _You've told me this much. You might as well tell me the rest._

Kuen's lips thinned, but he nodded. "I met Member Simmons after I'd recovered. He was very – sincere. He actually apologised for what was done to us –"

River was certain that her thoughts and her expression clearly telegraphed her opinion of that.

"I told you, he's different," Kuen snapped. "He didn't know, and the minute he found out, he put a stop to it."

"So you started doing his dirty work," River said.

For a moment, his mind was oppressive as it pushed at hers, but he reined himself in. "Courier work, to start off with. When I proved capable, I started obtaining information and other things for Parliament –"

_Spying and theft_ , River translated mentally.

_Yes_ , Kuen agreed without guilt or shame. "I was glad to be able to help. To be able to repay them for helping me. Don't tell me you don't know anything about that." His mind pushed at hers, tugging out the memory: pacing barefoot through a bank, Mal's faith and approval bolstering her, _I swallowed a bug_.

River took a deep breath and allowed the memory to subside again. "And then you moved on to assassination."

Kuen was quiet for a moment, even his mind – he had a barrier up again, one she could probably shatter if she needed to, but there didn't seem much point. "I came to see that I'd be good at it. That I'd been trained for it. That it was what I was made for. And Member Simmons gave me the opportunity to use it for a good purpose. That's why I came to get you."

Not to kill her, River understood. Kuen's mind was swirling with the emotions he was feeling, but the hatred in that mixture wasn't directed towards her.

"At first they just wanted to know whether you were a threat or a potential asset," Kuen said. "That's why I tested you a few years back – to see how much of your conditioning was still intact. I told them you might be an asset one day, that they shouldn't just terminate you. They'd been considering it."

River waited.

"But when Member Simmons offered me this opportunity, I knew it was time to track you down again. I knew that once you really understood –"

"If you'd thought that, you would have explained it to me and let me choose," River interrupted, her thoughts pushing her disbelief at him. "You knew I wouldn't."

Anger rose to the surface of his mind for a moment before he wrestled himself back under control. "You're right, I wasn't sure then. But I am now. That's why you're here."

River threw her scepticism at him, but his mind countered with the hard, satisfied edge of his certainty. Kuen _was_ , in fact, very sure that she would agree.

"Member Simmons has given me – us – the opportunity to hunt down the people responsible for the Academy," Kuen said, leaning forward and holding her gaze. "The ones the law can't or won't touch, the ones who got away. And to make sure they can't hurt anyone ever again."

River stared at him, his satisfaction and savage pleasure in the memory of those he'd already killed pulsing through her.

"You'd been running and hiding for far too long," Kuen told her. "It's time to fight back."

* * *

"Really you should have an official pass, of course," Marie said as they waited at the security checkpoint. "But it can take months for applications to be approved, what with all the checks involved. It took eight months for me, when I first started working for Member Simmons, and that was years ago now, they say it's only gotten worse since then. So if you don't need to come here every day, it's generally easier just to make do with a visitor's badge."

River was only half-listening. The Parliament building loomed over her, blocking out the sunshine. There were feds everywhere, even now they'd passed through the first two checkpoints. And the inside of the building was crowded with thousands of minds: Members of Parliament, staffers, security guards, visiting diplomats, other guests...

After years on the run, it was terrifying to find herself at the very heart of the Alliance.

Kuen nudged her, and River accepted her ident card back from the security guard in charge of the checkpoint, as well as her visitor's badge. She followed Kuen's example and clipped it to her top. Marie was already wearing her official staffer's pass.

"Great, let's go," Marie said brightly, and led the way past the checkpoint and up to the visitors' entrance.

River swallowed as they stepped inside and yet another set of security guards checked her badge and scanned them all for weapons. There were two dozen guards at least in this area alone, and another dozen just a few feet away in what was apparently the start of the restricted area for Members only. Not to mention the hundred or so feds they'd passed to get in here.

Even she would struggle if she had to try to fight her way back out.

_That's not going to happen_ , Kuen told her, but his tone was understanding rather than irritated. _I wouldn't have brought you here if there was any danger, River. You need to remember that you're not a fugitive any more._

River continued looking around, cataloguing all the security measures she could see. _I still feel like one._

Kuen's hand brushed hers unobtrusively as the guards cleared them to move on. _Don't forget that there would be two of us, if we did need to fight our way out. Between us, we could do it._

River blinked and looked at him, and he returned her gaze steadily.

"This way, you two," Marie said, leading them out of the entrance area and into the building proper. "I'm sorry I can't take you up to our offices, it'd be much more convenient, but those are the rules. The conference rooms in the public area are a bit soulless, but it'll probably just be a quick meeting anyway, I know Member Simmons has a committee meeting in half an hour."

She held her pass up to a sensor and the door to the conference room slid open. It was as soulless as promised, mostly because of the lack of windows and the bland abstract art hanging on the walls.

"You two go ahead and take a seat," Marie said, hovering in the doorway. "Member Simmons should be here any moment –"

"I think you have my schedule timed to the second, Marie," a voice said from behind her.

Member Simmons looked almost exactly like he had in Kuen's memories: in his fifties, grey hair, distinguished looking, wearing an expensive suit. His eyes were sharp and alert, but he was smiling at Marie. His thoughts were full of fond amusement.

Marie beamed as she turned around. "Of course I do. That's what you pay me for." She handed him two data pads. "Your files for the committee meeting. I'll go make a start on analysing the Endale report, but I'll come back and escort them out once you're done here."

"Thank you," Simmons said, and Marie gave Kuen and River one last smile over her shoulder as she slipped out, shutting the door behind her.

Member Simmons came across and shook Kuen's hand. "It's good to see you again, Kuen, it's been far too long. Though I gather you've been doing sterling work."

"Thank you," Kuen said.

Member Simmons' attention shifted to River. "And you must be River Tam. I'm very pleased to have the chance to meet you at last, River." He held out his hand, and River shook it politely, if warily.

"Please, do have a seat, both of you," Member Simmons said, sitting down himself. "I'm sorry I don't have more time for you today, but I did want to at least meet you, River, and answer any questions you may have."

His mind radiated welcome and polite interest, and River slowly began to relax, in spite of everything. "Kuen told me that you're the chair of the Scrutiny Committee."

"That's right," Member Simmons said. "It's a small committee, but quite an important one. We have two main tasks: overseeing the work of Parliament's operatives, to make sure all the rules are being followed, and scrutinising the implementation of the budget, to make sure that the funding allocated to different areas is being spent on the right things." His expression turned graver. "That was how I first became aware of the Academy. There were a few irregularities in the budget which I felt should be investigated. Of course, I had no idea what we'd uncover when we did so."

River nodded. "If you oversee the work of the operatives," she said carefully, "then I'm sure you're aware that one was sent after me a few years ago."

Member Simmons sighed. "Yes, and I must apologise for that. To clarify, when I say 'oversee', I mean after the fact. We establish general rules for the operatives' work, and we scrutinise past assignments to make sure they were upheld. The actual assignments come from other committees – the Defence Committee, the Federal Affairs Committee, one or two others. The Scrutiny Committee is actually legally barred from issuing assignments to operatives, to ensure we're fully impartial. In your case, the order came from a subcommittee of the Defence Committee, the same subcommittee that seems to have been involved with the Academy project. I suspect that certain forces were attempting to cover their tracks. The Scrutiny Committee criticised the subcommittee in the strongest possible terms, and we recommended that the operative in question be sanctioned, though I understand he went missing after that assignment, unfortunately. We're still investigating; I'm optimistic we'll track him down eventually."

River nodded thoughtfully. There was no lie in his mind; his regret about what had happened was sincere, if shallow. Of course, to him it was all abstract. He hadn't been hunted; he hadn't watched his loved ones die. To a politician, it was simply regrettable that the rules had been broken.

_You're being unfair_ , Kuen told her.

_Maybe_ , River allowed.

Out loud, she said, "You said you had an idea of which Members were involved with the Academy."

Member Simmons sighed again. "Yes. I know which Members signed what little paperwork we were able to track down, but the paperwork provides so little detail that it's difficult to be certain whether all of them truly understood what was going on there. Kuen gave me as much detail as he could about the Members who personally visited the Academy, however, which is a much better indicator. Unfortunately, I must admit that it's very difficult to move against an elected Member of Parliament without cast-iron proof. So I'd appreciate it if you could provide a written statement with everything you remember: names, dates, but even things like what they were thinking. If all else fails, we might be able to use that to put pressure on them in other ways."

River hesitated, but nodded. "All right."

"Wonderful," Member Simmons said. "I hope you'll have a few days to do that before the next assignment comes up. Not to mention that Marie might kill me if you're sent away again too soon, Kuen. She's missed you a lot, these past few months."

Kuen's smile was small but irrepressible. "I missed her too." His thoughts were glowing with a slight giddiness and awe at the idea of her missing him.

"I'll try not to keep her here too late tonight, but I'd better not make any promises I might have to break," Member Simmons said with a smile. "In the meantime, I suggest you introduce River to your handlers. I doubt you require any training, River; if you're as capable as Kuen you'll be more effective than any of our other operatives. But if there's anything you do need – weapons, clothing, equipment, anything like that – Kuen will show you how to obtain it."

River nodded again, not quite ready to thank him.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave you now, I have a committee meeting," Member Simmons said. "But Marie should be back any minute to escort you out. In the meantime, though, you can take a look at this." He took out a data pad and passed it across to Kuen.

Kuen accepted it and shook his hand. "Thank you for everything."

"Not at all, thank you both," Member Simmons said. "It was wonderful to meet you, River, and I'll look forward to receiving your statement."

River shook his hand politely, and watched as he left, shutting the door behind him. It locked with a _beep_.

_We're locked in?_

_It's automatic. They can't have visitors wandering around unaccompanied_ , Kuen told her. _Marie will be here in a couple of minutes, anyway_. His thoughts seemed distracted, and River pressed a little deeper into his mind, trying to see why.

_The data pad_ , Kuen told her. _It's an update on the others._

He sat back down beside her and set the pad down so they could both see it. River swallowed hard and leaned in closer as Kuen pulled up the data.

> Patient: Cara Tse
> 
> Age: 19
> 
> Condition: Comatose state. Some improvement in response to stimuli in recent months...

They read it together quickly, fighting not to let their reactions and memories overwhelm them. River remembered Cara: the serious, quiet girl she'd met at the initial interviews for Academy applicants, and the girl who had screamed so loudly that the staff had moved her to a separate wing, not that it had been any respite for River and Kuen, who'd been unable to block her out mentally. Then there was Will, who'd been left brain-damaged by one of the surgeries, but was reported to be making slight progress. Lian, who'd come through the surgeries as well as River and Kuen had, but hadn't been able to cope with the pressure of hearing everyone's thoughts. Matt, whose update reported that even now he attacked everyone indiscriminately whenever his restraints were removed.

_Wen? Dana?_ River asked as they reached the end of the data.

_Wen died on the operating table a few months after you escaped_ , Kuen told her, his mental tone clipped. _Dana killed herself in training. I'm not sure whether it was intentional or not; she was confused._

River exhaled slowly, shaking with grief and guilt and rage. She'd known them all. She'd only ever physically met Cara, Matt and Kuen, back at the initial interviews and in their first day or two at the Academy, before its real nature had become clear. But after the first few rounds of surgery, when her mind had opened up, she'd lived in all their minds, shared their pain, their nightmares, their psychosis.

_They're getting help now_ , Kuen told her. His mental tone was still somewhat brusque. They both knew that he would have escaped too, in her place; they both also knew that he still couldn't help but resent her for it. River understood that, even when it hurt.

_I hope it makes a difference_ , River thought.

The door beeped and Marie stuck her head in. "Ready to go, you two?"

Kuen switched off the data pad. "We're ready," he said, and passed it to Marie. "Could you give this back to Member Simmons?"

"Of course," Marie said cheerfully. "Come on, I'll escort you out."

River was relieved to escape the Parliament building – a much faster and simpler process than getting in – but her relief was overshadowed by the reminder of everything that had been done to the others at the Academy. She couldn't shake off the sick feeling in her stomach.

"None of us were stable or well enough to testify," Kuen said quietly, after they'd passed the last checkpoint and were walking through the streets. "And the one mistake Marie made in shutting down the Academy was leaving with me immediately. They must have used the time to destroy most of the records. So there wasn't much in the way of evidence left. No one was brought to trial, they all just walked away. And they're still out there. Living their lives, continuing their work..."

River looked at him. His jaw was set, his eyes dark and reflecting the fury she could sense in his mind. The same fury she felt herself.

They walked on in silence until Kuen paused outside a sleek, modern-looking building, a ten-minute walk away from the Parliament building. "This is it."

There were no signs to indicate what was inside, and no one sitting at the reception desk when Kuen led the way in. But he kept going confidently and led her to an empty office room, completely impersonal.

"Our handlers will be here in a moment," he told her. "They monitor everything, they'll have seen that we're here."

River nodded. "This is the building where all the operatives are based?"

Kuen shrugged. "Not sure, but I doubt it. I've never sensed any other minds whenever I've been here, just Jones and Wu."

_What are they like?_ River asked.

_Businesslike_ , Kuen thought after a moment's consideration. _Former military, before they moved into this field. Impatient, a lot of the time. See for yourself, though, here they come._

Sure enough, she could sense their minds as they approached, and a few moments later the door opened.

Jones was a woman in her late forties, grey beginning to streak her red hair. Wu was slightly older, his muscular physique and military bearing a clear indicator of his previous career, even if River hadn't already known.

"River Tam," Jones said, giving her a nod but making no move to shake her hand, for which River was grateful. "Glad to have you on board."

"Let's get down to it," Wu said, setting down a data pad on the table. "We need to debrief on your last few assignments, Kuen. And we need to assess you, River –"

"No, you don't," Kuen interrupted. "You know what her capabilities are."

"I know what you've told me her capabilities are," Wu said with a scowl. "It's non-negotiable, Westmore. We need to know."

River didn't like the idea of being assessed – too much a reminder of the Academy and the endless tests and training and demonstrations there – but she could see in their minds what they wanted to test: her skill with various weapons, her physical fitness, her mental range. Nothing which should cause her any problems.

"It's fine," she said. "I don't mind."

"Good," Wu said, and nodded for her to follow him. "Let's go."

He remained equally brusque throughout the tests, regardless of her results. He fired questions at her – "What types of weapon do you have experience with?" "How long are you able to hold that position?" "Does your ability to pick out a single mind suffer in crowds?" – and scowled thoughtfully as he noted down her answers. His mind was analysing everything, deciding what he thought she was capable of doing, satisfying himself that she wasn't going to screw up any assignment he gave her.

Kuen hovered quietly in her mind as she ran through the tests, keeping an eye on her. River wasn't certain whether he was making sure she didn't do anything stupid, or making sure Wu didn't cause another set of flashbacks.

_It can't be both?_ Kuen thought wryly.

He and Jones appeared in the doorway a few minutes later; debrief over, River gathered from their minds. Wu looked up and nodded, then said, "I want you two to fight each other next, so we can get an idea of –"

"No," River and Kuen said in unison, sharp and instinctive. They'd been forced to do that once at the Academy, and they'd both sworn they would never let it happen again.

Jones frowned. "Wu's right, it would be a useful exercise."

"No," Kuen repeated flatly. " _That_ is non-negotiable."

Jones rolled her eyes. "You might as well both come back through, then."

She and Wu took a few minutes to review River's data together. Kuen and River sat next to each other and waited.

_I'm not sure I like them_ , River thought.

_Most of the time they get straight down to business_ , Kuen said. _They're not so bad._

"Your results are impressive," Jones said, as she and Wu rejoined them. "Though of course there's a world of difference between these kinds of assessments and the assignments which operatives undertake." Mentally, she was questioning whether River would really be capable of killing.

"We're going to keep you working together for now," Wu said. "Working separately would be more efficient – most operatives work alone – but you lack experience, River. We'll review your performance after your first few missions –"

River flinched, and Kuen said sharply, "Assignments."

Wu scowled. _Gorram high-maintenance kids_ , he was thinking, but aloud he agreed, "Assignments. You have two weeks downtime now, special request from on high, and then you'll be getting down to work. So we'll see you back here in two weeks."

Jones nodded to them, and she and Wu gathered their data pads and left.

_Yes, I can see why you like them_ , River thought wryly in the ensuing silence.

Kuen gave her a half-smile as he stood up. _I like that in their eyes I'm either a professional or a mouthy kid. They don't see me as a test subject, but they don't treat me like some traumatised victim either. So yes, I get along with them just fine._

River followed him out of the building in thoughtful silence.

They reached the street before the flashback hit her:

_Another demonstration, and the woman watching her is imagining all the uses she could be put to..._

_These are our two most promising subjects..._

_How do they perform against each other?_

"River."

She blinked back to herself to find Kuen gripping her arm, supporting most of her weight. "I'm all right," she said.

_Like hell you are_ , Kuen thought. His own breathing was unsteady from her flashback, from memories that hit a nerve for both of them, but he allowed her to start walking again. _I knew letting them assess you today was a mistake. Too much all at once, when your mind hasn't recovered yet._

He hustled her into a shuttle across the city, and not twenty minutes later they were back at Marie's apartment.

"You get some rest," Kuen told her. "Do your mental rewiring or whatever it is you do."

River was feeling too tired to argue. "What are you going to do?"

"Go shopping," Kuen said, already moving towards the door, like it wasn't ridiculously banal compared to everything that had happened that day. "If Marie gets home tonight and there's no dinner organised, she'll have a few choice words for me."

Once he was gone, River retreated to the guest room. She stared up at the ceiling and wished she was in her bunk on Serenity. Where were the rest of the crew now? Had Simon made a full recovery? Was Kaylee making sure he didn't blame himself or worry about her too much? Mal had said he would keep an eye on him too.

Mal...

She'd known that she'd miss him, but she hadn't known how much. She wanted to sit on Serenity's bridge with him and talk. She wanted to dance with him and bask in the warmth of his thoughts. She wanted to kiss him again and...

She could remember it when she closed her eyes, her perfect memory a blessing, for once. The feeling of his mouth against hers, the way his grip on her had tightened, the way he'd _meant_ it.

She wanted to see him. She wanted to see all of them. And she couldn't.

At some point River must have managed to doze off, because she was woken by the sound of Marie entering the apartment, her thoughts still absorbed in the report she'd been working on.

She smiled when River emerged from the guest room, though. "So there is someone home! I take it Kuen went out?"

"He went shopping," River said. "I don't think he expected you to be home this early."

Marie smiled. "I didn't expect it either. Member Simmons said I should leave early, since Kuen's home after being away so long. I was about to make a cup of tea, would you like one?"

"Please," River said politely, following her through to the kitchen.

Marie busied herself with making the tea. "Member Simmons was very pleased to meet you today. He said how impressed he was with you."

River shifted awkwardly, because she hadn't done anything but ask questions. "How long have you been working for him?"

"Six years now," Marie said. "It's strange, sometimes it feels like it can't possibly be that long, the time's just flown by – yet when I try to think back, it feels like I've been working for him forever." She passed River a cup, and smiled. "Won't you sit down?"

River did, sipping tentatively from her cup. "Thank you."

Marie waved her thanks aside and took a seat herself. "I love working for Member Simmons. He's doing such important work; I really feel like I'm making a difference to people's lives. Of course, the work you and Kuen do is vital too –"

River tilted her head thoughtfully. Marie knew that Kuen was an operative; she knew he spied and performed other assignments for the Parliament. But her thoughts offered no sign that she knew assassination was part of his job.

"...protecting democracy, making sure people can live in security – truly vital," Marie was saying. "My work's important, but I could never do the things you do."

She really didn't know, River decided. She didn't know what Kuen really did. And she didn't know what Kuen had done to force her to come with him.

In a way, River could understand that. Marie's mind was open and positive, rock-solid in her ideals and principles. River knew what it was like, not wanting to let someone down. She knew that it could sometimes be a burden, having someone believe in you completely, and to be afraid of what would happen if they saw all of you.

She would keep Kuen's secrets for now. "Kuen's very good at what he does," was all she said.

"Member Simmons says he's the best they have, even though he's so young," Marie said, smiling. "I'm so proud of him. To go through what you two did and come out the other side the people that you are... I know I couldn't do it. He's amazing."

"Thank you," River said abruptly.

Marie blinked, surprised. "I don't –"

"Thank you for saving him," River said. "The others, too, but especially Kuen. For caring."

Marie's face hardened, and River watched, fascinated by this new side of her. "That place was an abomination," Marie said quietly. "What they did to you all was an abomination. You don't need to thank me. I'm glad I was able to help, but I only did what any halfway decent person would do."

River looked down at her cup. "You'd be surprised how many people aren't halfway decent."

"No," Marie said, "I wouldn't." Her thoughts had been dwelling on the Academy staff, but now they flickered to a memory of Kuen's parents.

River looked up sharply. "They turned him away?"

She only realised the mental jump she'd made after she'd said it, but Marie followed her with the ease of someone used to living with a reader. "As good as. I couldn't believe it. I thought – I was so sure they would be horrified at what he went through, that they'd feel guilty for letting it happen. That they'd want to help him. But they refused to believe him."

Kuen's mind had avoided exactly what had happened with his parents, and River hadn't pried because she understood the feeling. But she could see the memory in Marie's mind now: how she'd thought she was reuniting the family, only to see Kuen's parents' disappointment in their son, their conviction that the Academy couldn't possibly have been that bad. Their concern that his actions might lead to a scandal.

Marie wasn't a reader, but she'd watched Kuen's face grow tighter and tighter until she couldn't stand it any longer. And then she'd taken his hand and told him, "Let's go home."

"I understand your brother came for you," Marie said gently, shaking off the memory.

"Simon," River whispered. God, she missed him. "I owe him everything. But our parents... They didn't want to know either. I'm glad Kuen has you."

"I'm glad to have him," Marie said. She smiled. "And I'm glad he has you again now too. Partly for selfish reasons, I must admit. I know the work he does can be dangerous – he's not allowed to talk to me about it, of course, but I know that much. And it takes him away for long periods of time. I've never liked the idea of him being so alone. I'll rest easier knowing the two of you are together and looking out for each other."

She smiled and saved River from trying to find an answer by getting up and busying herself with their cups.

_How are you feeling?_ Kuen thought at that moment, still a few streets away.

_Better_ , River thought. _Marie just told me how glad she is that you and I are going to be working together._

She felt Kuen's steps slow. _And? Are we?_

He hadn't given her much choice when he'd taken her away from Serenity. But this, here and now, was a choice. And this time, she knew that if she said no, he wouldn't stop her from leaving.

She wanted to be back on Serenity so much she ached. She missed Simon, she missed Mal, she missed everyone.

But there was a sick feeling in her stomach that hadn't subsided since she'd read the update on the others' condition that morning. Broken though she'd been when Simon had rescued her, she'd been the lucky one.

And the people who'd done it to them... _They're still out there_ , Kuen had said earlier, _living their lives, continuing their work_.

The rage she'd felt then surged up in her again, and she felt Kuen's echo it.

She missed Serenity, she missed her family. But she couldn't go back to her life knowing that those responsible were still free, knowing that she could have done something about it but had chosen not to.

She'd left the others behind when she'd escaped. She couldn't have done anything else. But she couldn't abandon them now.

Kuen's thoughts were bright with understanding and a hard edge of satisfaction.

_Yes_ , River thought. _We are_.

* * *

Mal dreamt of Serenity Valley.

Not the way it had been at the end, and not the way it had been before, either. This was the beginning of the middle, when they'd been huddled in their fortifications, waiting for the order to head back out.

There was a rattle of machine-gun fire, but it was distant, background noise, he could sleep through it these days. Otherwise all was quiet. Zoe was probably around somewhere, but there was no one in sight.

"Inaccurate," River said. She was sitting cross-legged next to him, all in grey, her hair tumbling down around her.

"You weren't here a minute ago," Mal said. He frowned. Something about this was off. "What's going on?"

River looked around thoughtfully. "I'm dreaming, I think."

Which didn't make a lick of sense, except –

The world shuddered around them like a bomb had hit, and River was abruptly in front of him, her forehead pressed against his, her hands on his face. "Don't go, don't wake up, don't leave me," she was whispering feverishly. "Stay here with me, be _here_ , Mal –"

Mal took a deep breath and let her steady him. "Wo de ma. River. How exactly are you in my dream?"

River's eyes were darker than he'd remembered. "I'm dreaming too. Possibly – proximity."

"Proximity," Mal parroted, working that one through. "You mean – you're somewhere nearby?" Hope came crashing in. "Tell me where you are, darlin', we'll come and –"

River shook her head, looking down, breaking eye contact for the first time since the dream had stabilised around them. "Can't," she whispered. "Just – can we just be here together? Can we just talk?"

The urge to try to drag a location out of her was overwhelming, but Mal took in her strained expression and decided to let it go for the time being. "All right. It's all right, River."

River's eyes flicked up to his and she nodded. She pulled back, releasing him, and Mal caught her hands before she could retreat too far.

"Talk to me, darlin'," he said quietly. "You doing okay?"

The dream had shifted around them, now that Mal's focus was elsewhere; a vague, grey shapelessness that would disturb him if he thought about it too much. River seemed all the more real by contrast, surrounded by that indistinctness.

"Don't know," she said, looking down again. Her hands were cool in his, and he rubbed his thumbs across her palms, trying to warm her. "I killed someone today."

Mal was careful to make sure his worry didn't break the movement of his hands. "Ain't like neither of has killed before, River. You'll have a long wait if you're lookin' for judgement from me."

"You'll be awake, you'll be facing me, and you'll be armed," River whispered, and it would seem like nonsense if Mal wasn't used to the leaps her mind made by now. That was something he'd told her brother, back when the Tams had first come on board. "He wasn't."

Another jump, but Mal followed it. "I'll wager you had your reasons, even so."

"He used to cut into my brain," River said, looking up at him, and there was rage in her eyes now – a rage he'd never seen in her before, but a rage he'd felt himself, more'n once. "He took me apart, and I thought about doing the same to him, but in the end I killed him in his sleep."

"Well, seems to me like that's a fairly compelling reason," Mal said.

River looked down at their linked hands again. "It's troublesome."

Mal sighed. "Don't matter if you're lookin' for judgement or absolution, darlin'. You won't get neither from me. It ain't all black and white. Seems to me that no one could blame you for hurting them as hurt you." He gentled his tone. "But it also seems to me that you said you didn't want to become a puppet assassin for the Alliance."

River's hands tightened for a moment before she relaxed her grip again. "I did, didn't I?" she said, and laughed, a horrible, fractured sound that made Mal want to take her in his arms and keep her safely away from a 'verse that could make her sound like that. "Things seemed simpler back then."

Mal squeezed her hands to recapture her attention. "Some things are still real simple, River. You're still on my crew. You still have a place on Serenity. And I'm still gonna find you and find a way to get you out of this."

River shook her head. "I think this time I need to get myself out of it," she said. She managed a smile for him, though, and Mal took heart from that.

"So, has it really been you all along?" he asked, looking around again. Still grey nothingness. It would be a mite disturbing if River weren't holding his hands.

River tilted her head. "You've been dreaming," she said slowly. "Of me – with me. Blood, blood, drowning in it –"

Mal looked back to her in concern which rapidly gave way to alarm, because there was blood flowing from between their palms and the grey all around them was shifting colour, grey-brown-red. "River –"

Her eyes were wide and panicked. "Didn't know, didn't mean to –"

"River!"

The blood rose around them, faster than should have been possible, and Mal struggled to his feet for what little good that would do them, pulling River up with him, keeping hold of her hands, refusing to let go even as the blood surged up –

– and he sat up in his bunk, gasping for breath.

_River_ , he thought as loudly as he could, because surely to god if she was close enough to stumble into his dreams, she was close enough to hear him. _River!_

But there was no response.

* * *

 _You dream very loudly_ , Kuen informed her, his thoughts tinged with his disapproval. He'd caught a fair bit of it, and could see the rest in her mind now.

River slowly got out of bed and wandered out into the common area of Kuen's ship. She started making herself tea. _It wasn't intentional_.

_You shouldn't be feeling guilty about Quentins_ , Kuen told her, somewhere between scolding and comforting. _I know you haven't forgotten what he did to us_.

River could feel his rage like it was her own, burning its way from his mind into hers. _I haven't forgotten_ , she agreed, because it was true.

But what she was feeling wasn't quite as simple as guilt or regret: it was a tangled knot that she couldn't fathom herself. Quentins had deserved what she'd done to him –

_Deserved worse_ , Kuen inserted with cold certainty.

– she just wasn't sure whether she... whether it had been worth the price. Whether she...

Kuen's door slid open and he emerged from his bunk, rubbing the last of the sleep from his eyes. A faint nudge of his mind and she obligingly poured a second cup of tea for him.

"The first few are the worst," Kuen said quietly, taking the cup from her. "I'll admit, I struggled at first too – but you'll see. The work we're doing – we're making sure they won't hurt anyone again. That's a good thing."

_We're doing such good work_ , River's traitorous memory cast up, rocking both of them for a moment.

_This isn't like that_ , Kuen thought at her, his mind like a sharpened knife. _We're not like them!_

It hurt when he lashed out like that, but River was strong enough now to block the worst of it. It turned into a quick, testing struggle, their minds grappling with each other – almost like sparring, though nothing like fighting with Zoe had been – before Kuen withdrew and River relaxed her guard again.

"You're tired," Kuen said determinedly, as if excusing her. "Look, we have one more assignment on our way home, then we'll be back on Londinium, all right? And we'll have a break before we get back to work. You need more time to adapt to all of this."

"Londinium isn't my home," River murmured.

That hadn't changed, even though Marie had made her welcome and River had slowly come to like the woman. Marie's affection for Kuen was both very clear and very sincere, and River understood his attachment to her.

They'd been away from Londinium for two months now. Most of that time had been spent on simple assignments – courier work and spying. Kuen had killed one person, one of the security guards who'd dragged the Academy students from their cells to the rooms where the experiments were carried out. River had watched and wondered what she was supposed to be feeling.

Today – yesterday now – had been the first time she'd done the killing. It had been very, very easy. It was the aftermath that was proving less simple.

_Give it time_ , Kuen said. _You'll see_.

River didn't respond; she concentrated on her tea, forcing her mind to dwell on the taste, the temperature, the motion of swallowing. Focus.

"Get some more sleep if you can," Kuen told her. "We've still got a few hours before we reach our destination."

River shook her head. It had been almost unbearably good to see Mal again, but a shock to realise that she'd been reaching out to him subconsciously in her sleep. She'd never meant to inflict her nightmares on him. Bad enough that she and Kuen couldn't escape them. "I don't want to dream again."

_That's easy enough_ , Kuen said, and she only had a moment to realise his intention and set down her cup before he was deep inside her mind, pressing somewhere that made darkness swim up around her. _Sleep well, River_.

* * *

When she woke again she was back in her bed, and the ship was landing.

_You feel steadier now_ , Kuen said with muted approval. _We're going to be seekers of inner peace and wisdom, so dress appropriately_.

River sent him a wave of irritation – for knocking her out, though she knew by now that was his brand of protectiveness, and for that useless instruction, because what the hell kind of clothing was 'appropriate' for seekers of inner peace and wisdom?

Kuen shot back a few suggestions, ignoring her irritation, and River shook her head and got up. This particular seeker of inner peace and wisdom would be wearing a long grey dress. If anyone decided that wasn't appropriate, well, she'd change their mind.

_That's the spirit_ , Kuen said, amusement threading through his mental tone. _Hurry up._

When she reached the bridge he was ready and waiting. "The target's located in a monastery, not too far outside the city."

River let her confusion filter through to him. "A monastery?" There hadn't been a shepherd at the Academy, or anyone she could have ever imagined turning to god afterwards.

"Some people seek refuge there," Kuen said. "Some monasteries aren't too choosy about who they take in – any supposedly repentant sinner is welcome, so long as they've got coin."

True enough, River knew, taking a moment to remember Shepherd Book, the sharpness of his thoughts. You could find all sorts of people in monasteries. "What's the name?"

Unexpectedly, there was a sense of hesitance in Kuen's mind. "No name," he admitted finally. "Only the coordinates. And – a message."

She could see it in his mind, how he'd had to decode it after decrypting the wave containing their orders, how he'd turned the message from their handlers over and over while she slept, considering the implications. _A welcome home gift for R._

River let her uneasiness filter through to Kuen, who responded with his own uncertainty and curiosity.

River sighed and tied her white shawl over her hair. "Let's find out what's going on, then."

It took them an hour to reach the monastery and they hung back at enough of a distance to be able to observe it without being observed in turn.

The building had been created using local materials, a reddish rock. It was quite a few decades old, River estimated; it had probably been built by the first settlers on this world.

_No one there that I recognise_ , Kuen said in her mind. _You_?

River reached out. There were almost two dozen minds inside and around the monastery. It only took half a second for her to find the mind they were there for. _Laotianye_.

Kuen saw the knowledge in her mind even as the realisation formed, of course. _He's all yours. Come on._

Slipping inside was easy, and finding their way through the monastery to the right room was as well, now that River had found his mind. She would have recognised it anywhere. She'd had nightmares about that mind.

They didn't bother with stealth once they reached the room. It was small, one of the tiny rooms where the shepherds slept and lived, and Kuen simply opened the door and walked in.

The Operative was on his feet already, his wide eyes the only sign of his surprise. He didn't attempt to attack them or call for help, however; he watched them both silently, waiting.

River closed the door behind them.

"River Tam," the Operative murmured. "I wondered if I might see you again someday."

River stared at him. This close, it was impossible to stay out of his mind. It was still recognisably the same mind that she'd sensed while he'd been hunting her, but it had changed, too – all his old certainty cut away from beneath him, leaving the cold walls of his mind listing and crumbling, despair creeping through the gaps.

"There's a certain poetic justice that you're the one sent to kill me," the Operative said.

A large part of his mind welcomed the idea, accepted it. He would not win this fight and he knew it. He wouldn't bother to fight in the first place. He had come to believe that his death was richly deserved, and he sincerely found it fitting that it should be at her hands.

_So that's why Jones and Wu wrote that this assignment was a gift for you_ , Kuen observed silently. He was standing back, letting her handle the situation, content to watch. _You caught that his sword is under the bed, didn't you? You could use that._

River considered it. Running the Operative through as payment for Wash, for Shepherd Book, for all the others who'd died because of him. She could imagine how he would look, how she'd feel.

"What is your name?" she asked him.

The Operative said, "I don't have one." He paused, then went on, "I gave up the name I was born with when I first began training to be an operative. After that there were only codenames. I do not consider my birth name to be my name. Not now. In this monastery, I am known as Peter. That is not my real name either, of course, but closer than anything else is, you might say."

River studied him. In her memory, she remembered the horror of Wash's bright mind abruptly slipping away out of her reach, the blood and fury in the Shepherd's thoughts as he was lost.

And she remembered the endless moment when she'd waited, the thoughts of Alliance troops all around her, Mal's mind an inferno of pain and fear and _River River River_. She'd been ready to die fighting, when the order _Stand down_ had come through and she and Mal had exhaled at last.

Kuen's mind was incredulous as he realised the direction in which her thoughts were moving. _We have orders!_

"It's not polite to tell the recipient of a gift what to do with it," River said out loud, turning to look at Kuen. "It's my choice."

"He hunted you!" Kuen objected.

"So did you," River reminded him.

The wave of shock Kuen felt at being equated with the Operative almost knocked her back, but she held her ground and his gaze. "He wasn't involved with the Academy. He killed Dr Mathias –"

"I must confess," the Operative said carefully, "that I didn't do so because of his crimes, but because of his incompetence. I wouldn't want you to have a false impression of me."

"I know," River said, turning back to face him again. " _Great works_ , you said. _We're building a better world_..."

The memory dragged her in for a long moment – the sword in her hand, Dr Mathias's disbelieving, horrified expression, the blood starting to pool on the floor. It was an effort to tear her mind free.

"I'm not under any illusions about who you are," she told him. "I don't owe you any debt. Captain Reynolds let you live – you simply returned the favour. Now it's my choice. And I'm not going to kill you."

_You're just going to –_ Kuen protested.

River sent him a wave of anger and determination that silenced him, at least temporarily.

The Operative was staring at her. "I – truly, I would almost prefer – ah. I see."

"You would almost prefer to die," River completed. "Well, you don't get to. Your life is mine, now, and you don't get to throw it away."

The Operative looked down at the bare floor of the monastery cell. "It has been – difficult, living without purpose."

"Find a new one," River told him without pity. He was hardly the first to have to do so. She thought again of Shepherd Book. Had he once had to choose as well? She wished she'd understood enough at the time to ask. "But not here. You've been compromised."

The Operative looked at her for a long time, his thoughts wrestling with the prospect of having to live. Finally he bowed his head. "I... will abide by your decision, River Tam."

River nodded and walked back out the door.

No one troubled her or Kuen as they made their way back out of the monastery. Kuen's mind was still giving off sparks of incredulity and anger, but they were both making an effort to focus on their surroundings and avoid launching into an argument until they were well away.

They were almost back at the ship before Kuen's control slipped and he lashed out: _That was a mistake_.

_It was my decision_ , River insisted.

_We were given orders to kill him –_

_He didn't have anything to do with the Academy. We were only given his location because they thought I'd be pleased to have the chance to kill him. So I can choose to leave him alive if I want._

Kuen's objections became more muted. _I still think it was a mistake._

_Maybe it was. There's no way to know_ , River said, as they boarded the ship. _It was still my decision. And it wasn't the merciful option._

_True_ , Kuen admitted, his anger melting into grudging acceptance. _Fine. I don't think Wu and Jones will be happy when they hear, though._

"So we'll tell them that I appreciated the gift and that we encountered no problems," River said aloud, now that they were away from anyone who might be listening in. "They can draw their own conclusions."

Kuen frowned, but finally nodded. "All right." His mind said that he was going along with it to protect her more than anything else; he didn't want their handlers to conclude that she wasn't performing well.

_I killed Quentins_ , River reminded him, the thought still bitter-edged. _I don't think they'll have any complaints_.

_Probably not_ , Kuen agreed, reassured by the reminder. _Fine, have it your way._

They were already preparing for take-off with the quiet, unthinking automaticity of routine. Kuen spoke to the dock controllers and obtained clearance for take-off, and River finished programming the course to Londinium into the computer.

_I still can't believe you compared me to him_ , Kuen thought once they were out of the world.

A slip, River knew – he hadn't meant to think that where she could hear it, but they didn't bother trying to keep much from each other these days.

"Someone who hunted me across the 'verse," River said quietly, without looking away from him. "Someone who killed people I cared about, who threatened my family and friends –"

"He was your enemy!" Kuen burst out.

_So were you_ , River thought involuntarily, and they both froze in shock: Kuen at being called her enemy, River at the tense. Were. Not are.

"I did what I had to do," Kuen said, his voice rough. "I didn't kill your brother –"

_You shot him_ , River thought, _you shot Kaylee, you killed Enlai –_

Kuen grimaced. _Your brother's life was never in danger. Kaylee wasn't supposed to be hurt, but I made the mistake of hiring an amateur, I thought that would give you the best possible chance. Enlai – was an error. I shouldn't have, I didn't even have orders, but I wasn't... I'd just..._ His mind shied away from the specifics, but the way he'd felt bled through – anger, self-hatred, and a sickening despair that made River's breath catch, even without knowing its cause. Then he dragged himself away from the memory and met her eyes. _Even so. I was never your enemy. How could I ever be your enemy?_

And his mind shifted, recalling the Academy again, dragging River's own memories to the fore.

_Screaming together as the needles were driven into River's head, both of them overwhelmed by her pain._

_Disoriented by the drugs and nothing was real, nothing existed but the touch of each other's minds, the only real thing left in the whole 'verse._

_The moment Laurie had snatched the gun and blown her brains out, mind winking out as if it had never been there, and their minds clung together in panic as they screamed, **don't go don't go don't go**_.

It took a concerted effort from both of them to force down the tidal wave of dark memories, and it left them both shaking, staring at each other across the cockpit.

There had been times when the presence of Kuen's mind had been the only thing River could rely on, the only thing that was real. They'd been each other's anchors through the drugs, the operations, the conditioning. There had been times when they'd hated each other, hated being unable to escape each other's pain as well as their own, and there had been times when they'd been each other's only refuge.

_You're the only one who understands_ , Kuen thought, even his mental tone shaken. _You're the only one... I'll never be your enemy, River._

Slowly, River extended her hand and he clasped it in his.

_Nor I yours_ , she thought at last.


	7. Chapter 7

Zoe led the way through the warehouse and Mal followed her, Jayne hanging back to keep watch. The job was going pretty smooth so far – the access codes their employer had given them had got them through the first set of doors easy – but Mal was old enough now to face facts: the smoother a job seemed to be going, the more screwed up it was likely going to get.

He'd come to rely on River and her uncanny abilities a little too much, maybe. Not that a job couldn't get screwed up good and proper with her around too – and of course she brought her own set of complications to everything – but usually she gave them the edge they needed to get out safe and sound and, for the most part, paid. Without her, he was all too aware of all the unknown factors that could come out of nowhere and wreck things.

He needed this job to go smooth. The take was good, but more importantly they weren't going to be able to run if anything did go seriously wrong. Inara was off at some fancy shindig with a client and wouldn't be returning to the ship until the next evening. Only Kaylee and the doc were actually on Serenity, so there'd be no way they could manage a quick take-off anyway.

No one had suggested hiring someone on as a pilot, and Mal didn't reckon anyone would. And he'd have to be a gorram sight more desperate before he reached that point.

Zoe turned to look at him properly, her eyebrows raised – _Are you even paying attention, sir?_

Mal grimaced his apology and pulled out the keycard their employer had given them. He inserted it carefully into the slot beside the door and punched in the second access code.

Red light.

He exchanged a look with Zoe. "How many shots d'you think we get before security join the party?"

"Three's traditional," Zoe said. "Five-four-five-nine-seven-zero-three-eight-two-five, right?"

"That's what I heard him say too," Mal said grimly, and punched it in again.

Red light.

Jayne's voice came over the comms, crackling just a little. "What's the gorram hold-up?"

Mal exchanged another look with Zoe.

"Code's been changed," she told Jayne. Jayne started cursing.

"Bizui," Mal said sharply. "Let me think."

Their options were limited. The door was good and secure – would most likely take a grenade to get through it. Which Jayne no doubt had with him, and Mal would put up with Jayne's smugness if it got the job done, but a grenade would attract attention and security would be on them too fast for a getaway. Not to mention it would probably damage the goods. So a grenade was out. Which didn't leave many options –

_The new code's six-three-six-eight-one-two-nine-one-six._

Mal's heart pounded in his chest. More'n seven months since he'd last spoken to her, more'n three months since that dream he hadn't been able to shake off, but he'd know that voice anywhere, all the more recognisable for being in his head. _River!_

An agonising pause before she replied. _Mal_. His name was all twisted up with emotions – wistfulness, sadness, happiness, affection, weariness, uncertainty.

_River, where are you?_

_Working. Like you should be_ , and her thought was fond and teasing. _Six-three-six-eight-one-two-nine-one-six, Captain. The owner was suspicious, he changed the code two days ago. Be careful. I need to concentrate on playing the lady. Even if your job does seem more fun._

_River?_

But the sense of her mind was gone.

"Sir?" Zoe was watching him, her eyes sharp with concern. Mal wondered how much of what he was feeling was showing on his face.

"We should get the ruttin' hell outta here," Jayne was saying over the comms, quietly but with feeling. "What the hell are you two doin'?"

Mal ignored them both and turned to the keypad.

"Sir, we already have two wrong tries –" Zoe reminded him, voice tight with worry, but she didn't make a move to stop him as he punched in River's code.

"So we'd better get it right this time," Mal said, and punched in the final digit.

Green light, and the door clicked open.

"We're in," Mal said for Jayne's benefit.

Zoe's eyes were wide and startled, but she snapped to it, and they hauled out the five crates they needed in under a minute.

"Mind telling me how you managed that?" Zoe asked as they headed back in Jayne's direction, double-time despite the crates they were carrying.

"I had help," Mal admitted, and he could see the moment when Zoe figured it out, the flash of shock and hope that crossed her face.

"She's here?"

"Seems like it," Mal said.

"Who's here?" Jayne asked as they reached him. He took Zoe's crates like they'd planned, so she could cover them as they left. "For that matter, why are _we_ still here? Come _on_!"

"River's here," Zoe told him.

To Mal's surprise, that actually made Jayne pause. "Crazy's here?" He looked down at the crates a little warily.

Mal grinned and started walking, feeling a sudden surge of energy and determination. "She is. And we're gonna find her."

Of course, first they had five crates of stolen goods to smuggle back to the ship, but once they'd gotten the mule loaded up and made it a few streets away from the warehouse, there wasn't anything to attract attention to them – just three folks who'd been out picking up supplies for their ship. And since they hadn't set off any alarms, chances were good that no one would even notice the crates were missing for a day or two.

"Did she say where she is?" Zoe asked, guiding the mule through the streets.

"Not exactly," Mal admitted. "But I've got an idea. She said she was working. And she said she was playing at being a lady again."

Zoe shot him a quick glance before returning her attention to the street ahead of them. The docks were just coming into sight. "You think she's at Inara's party?"

"That I do," Mal agreed.

Jayne sighed in something like resignation. "That mean I need to put on that gorram suit again?"

Mal was surprised and somewhat impressed by the offer – apparently Jayne missed River more than he was likely to admit – but shook his head. "No. Ain't no point in all of us crashing the party. I'll go, and I suppose I'd better take the doc too, but that's it."

"You sure that's wise, sir?" Zoe asked quietly.

"If River thinks it's safe for her to come back to us, I don't think we'll need more'n that to make it happen," Mal said. "And if she don't... I don't think any number of us'll make a difference."

Zoe acknowledged that with a sharp nod, and then they'd reached Serenity. Kaylee was just inside when Zoe guided the mule in, showing Sying the button to press to close the ship up again, the little boy beaming.

"Hey, baby," Zoe said, swinging down and giving her kid a quick hug. "Good work, there."

"Everything shiny?" Kaylee asked, smiling at them.

"Zoe, Jayne, you two get those crates stowed away," Mal said, already moving. "Kaylee, where's the doctor?"

Kaylee's expression shifted to alarm. "Are you hurt? Did something –"

"I'm here," Simon said, coming down the stairs. "What's going on?"

"Go get –" Mal took in the doctor's waistcoat and amended, " _more_ dressed up. You and I are gate-crashing Inara's shindig."

Simon's eyebrows shot up. "May I ask why?"

"River's there," Mal told him bluntly. "Now move."

" _What?_ " Simon demanded. "How do you –"

Kaylee's eyes were wide as she chimed in, "River's – oh my god, are you sure?"

Even little Sying had joined in at the sound of the name. "River, River, River!"

Zoe picked him up and shushed him, which was just as well, because Mal was about to start roaring for silence if people didn't shut up and start moving.

"We don't have time to debate this," he told the doctor sharply. "Get ready, fast. I think she's there now, but who knows how long she'll stay?"

That was enough to get Simon moving, luckily, and Mal strode off in the direction of his bunk to get changed.

Zoe met him as he emerged, noting his appearance with one slightly mocking eyebrow but not commenting otherwise. "I checked the bridge," she said, all business. "Inara managed to send us a wave – River's there. She thinks Kuen is too. She's gotten your name on the guest list. I sent back an acknowledgment, asked her to add Simon too, but no telling if she'll receive it before you get there."

"We'll figure something out," Mal said, allowing himself a moment of warmth for Inara – it wouldn't have been easy for her to get away to send that wave, but he knew she loved River too.

"I'll keep the comms on," Zoe said. "Let us know if you need us."

Simon was in the cargo bay when they got there, and Mal eyed his outfit before giving him a sharp nod and leading the way off the ship.

"How did you know?" Simon asked as they hurried through the streets. "I know Inara sent a wave, but you already knew."

Mal supposed there was no reason not to tell him. "We ran into a spot of trouble on the job –"

Simon's sardonic expression shouted _No, surely not! The shock!_ as surely as if he'd said it aloud.

"– and River spoke to me," Mal continued. "Told me the new access code. She didn't say much, but enough that I guessed where she was."

"My god," Simon said quietly. "Seven months – and now she's right here."

Mal was starting to wonder whether it was a smart thing, taking Simon with him. But the doc was her brother, and he had the right if anyone did. All the same – "You do know the situation hasn't changed."

Simon frowned at him. "What?"

"She left because that hun dan was ready to kill any and all of us to force her to go with him," Mal said. "If that had changed, she'd have come back to us already."

Simon's frown deepened. "You're not seriously saying you're just going to leave her here?"

_He's her brother_ , Mal reminded himself, and dug up an extra reserve of patience from somewhere. "If River's willing to come back, I will personally escort her back on board. But I'm saying not to go getting your hopes up. If she ain't, even all of us together wouldn't be able to break her free. There's a reason I'm taking you with me, not Zoe and Jayne."

To the doctor's credit, he absorbed that in silence. "You think we're going to have to leave her here," he said eventually, not a question this time.

"I don't like the idea any more'n you, believe me," Mal said bitterly, more honest than he'd meant to be.

Simon looked at him for a long moment. "I do believe you," he said, his tone a little odd.

They reached the gates to the mansion at that moment and dropped the conversation. Mal gave his name and was allowed through, and was pleasantly surprised when Simon was allowed to join him without any problems. Inara must have managed to get him on the list as well. Of course, the fact that Simon could blend in well in situations like this probably helped. Mal was well aware that the Tams came from a wealthy family and that Simon, at least, was probably more comfortable in these kinds of circles than the kind Serenity's crew usually moved in.

Inside the mansion, they paused for a moment. It was a grand, vast house, in some old style with a massive hall with pillars and arches and balconies. A string quartet was playing on the far side of the room, and there were tables loaded up with delicacies that Kaylee would already have been sidling off to investigate. The main part of the floor was filled with dancing couples, all dressed up in their finery, with people congregated around the edges to chatter and flutter at each other.

It wasn't Mal's type of shindig in the slightest, but that wasn't why he was here.

Then he spotted her and froze.

River was playing the part of the lady, all right, and pulling it off well enough to fool anyone in the 'verse. Mal couldn't help but think back to the night she'd dressed up and pretended to be his wife for the job on Persephone. She'd been uncomfortable then, though she'd hid it well enough during the job itself. There was no trace of that discomfort now. Her hair was pulled up, sleek and complicated and utterly different from the River he knew. Her face was painted in dramatic colours, dark lips and darker eyes. She was wearing a long red and black dress, and she was circling the dancefloor in the stiff formal steps of the dance with a man Mal didn't recognise – not Kuen, at least.

She was recognisably River. And yet there was nothing of the River he knew there at all.

A hand closed on his arm and Mal realised he'd taken a step forward without even noticing.

It was Inara who'd stopped him. She was beautiful in her white dress and she was smiling brightly, but it was all a show – Mal knew how to look past the admittedly beautiful surface these days, and Inara was desperately worried.

"I'm so glad you could make it!" Inara said, loud enough for the people around them to hear, leaning in to peck him on the cheek, then Simon.

Mal forced a smile. "You spoken to her?" he asked in an undertone.

Inara had moved to stand between them, a hand on each of their arms, smiling out at the crowd. "She said she's working, she's fine, and not to break her cover." She hesitated. "She said she can't come back yet. But I had to let you know –"

"I appreciate it," Mal said.

"Yes, thank you," Simon said. He hadn't taken his eyes off River yet; he looked a little dazed.

"I need to get back to Amelia," Inara said, "but I'm here if you need me." She gave one more dazzling smile and slipped away in a swirl of skirts.

The dance came to an end and River allowed herself to be escorted over to the tables of food by her dance partner.

Simon inhaled sharply and Mal nodded. "Go ahead," he said. "But don't go causing a scene. Remember what Inara said."

Simon needed no further encouragement; he headed off in the direction of the table where River was standing, and a moment later he was speaking to her – pretending to be a stranger, judging by the way he was leaning over to brush a kiss to her knuckles. Mal watched intently as they drew away to the very edge of the crowd, where they at least had a slight chance of speaking without being overheard.

Mal forced himself to look away, to glance around the room. Inara was standing with a pretty red-head in a gold dress; under other circumstances, he might have taken a moment to appreciate that picture, but as it was he simply met Inara's anxious eyes and brilliantly fake smile and then kept on looking around.

Kuen was here somewhere. He had to be. And if he realised they were here and talking to River, things could turn real unpleasant real fast.

_No,_ River said into his mind, though when he turned she was still talking to Simon without looking in his direction. _Kuen knows. So long as it doesn't interfere with our assignment, he doesn't care._

_Good to know_ , Mal thought back. Then, unable to help himself, _It's good to see you again, darlin'._

Her eyes flickered to his at that, and the warmth in them – _that_ was the River he knew. _It's good to see you too, Mal._

Simon followed her gaze and saw him, but his attention returned to River immediately. Mal started moving through the crowd towards them, and got there in time to see Simon squeezing River's hand in place of the hug he couldn't give her, not while pretending they were strangers.

River smiled at Simon, then at Mal, who couldn't hold back his answering smile. He bowed to her, playfully formal. "May I have this dance, my lady?"

"It would be a pleasure," River said, and took his hand.

The string quartet was playing a waltz, thank god, because Mal only knew one or two of the fancier dances that were common at shindigs like this. A basic waltz he could pull off, though.

He settled his hand carefully at River's waist, the smooth, unfamiliar texture of her dress cool beneath his hand. He led her into the dance and River moved with him just the way she always had, following every step almost before he made it.

"I missed this," River sighed, too softly for anyone else to hear. _I missed you_.

Mal's hand tightened around hers. _I missed you too. I'm relieved to see you looking... well._

River's smile flickered. _It's been difficult, and awful, and occasionally wonderful. I can't come home yet, Mal._

Mal considered that for a moment. _Can't say as I'm surprised. I figured if you could, you would have already. I'll settle for the fact that you're still calling it home_.

_I'm glad you don't mind that I do_.

Mal had to work to keep his expression from changing. _Believe I made my thinking perfectly clear on that before you left, River._

River lowered her eyes for a moment. _A lot's happened since then._

_Nothing that could change that_ , Mal told her, and tried to put every ounce of his conviction into that thought.

River met his eyes again and changed the subject. _Thank you for bringing Simon. It's good to see for myself that he's okay_.

_I had selfish reasons_ , Mal admitted, only half-joking. _I'm fairly sure he'd have disembowelled me if I hadn't brought him._

_He would probably just have shouted_ , River said. _Even Jayne's never managed to get himself disembowelled._ She paused. _Simon told me they're waiting to have the wedding._

_They don't want to have it without you._ Mal tried to lighten his tone. _I'm pretty sure Simon wants you to give him away._

River was frowning, her unhappiness bleeding through from her mind. _They shouldn't wait. Not because of me._

_It's their decision, darlin'_ , Mal told her, and changed the subject again. _Everyone's fine. Everyone misses you. Jayne hasn't had a decent bar brawl in months._

That brought her smile back. _I miss them all too. And the bar brawls._

_I wondered if I'd dream of you again_. The thought slipped out before Mal could smother it. Oh well, damage done. _I was worried._

_I'm sorry I worried you_ , River thought. _I was upset._

_I remember_ , Mal said. He remembered why she'd been upset, too, and wondered how to ask about it without upsetting her again.

Evidently River had overheard his wondering. _You won't upset me. It doesn't upset me any more._

_Is that a good thing?_ Mal wondered, mostly to himself.

_It's how things are_ , River thought back simply. _Things aren't the way I thought they were, Mal. Kuen –_

"Has brainwashed you." It slipped out before he could stop it.

He'd expected anger, but River laughed instead, as if he'd said something terribly witty. Mostly a front for those around them, but not entirely; he could hear her wry amusement echoing in his mind as well. _No. I think things would be a lot simpler if he had._

Mal squeezed her hand again. _Then explain it to me, River._

_I should have listened to you when you told me it wasn't good for me to have no-go areas in my own mind_ , River said. _I'd blocked out a lot of what happened at the Academy. Kuen pulled the blocks apart. It... hurt._

Mal entertained another brief, murderous fantasy about ripping Kuen to shreds.

_No,_ River told him. _It was necessary. It would all have collapsed sooner or later anyway. It was awful, but it got better, and my mind isn't a dangerous place for me any more._

Mal gave that some thought. _Even so. I doubt he gave you much choice. And there would have been other ways. He didn't have to hurt you._

River seemed to consider that in turn. _Maybe so_ , she conceded, but set it aside and went on. _He's been hunting down and killing the people from the Academy. The people who hurt us. And now we're working together._

Mal studied her. Beneath the paint and the dress and the poised expression, this was still the River he knew. But she _had_ changed. This was River fully in focus. This was River the weapon, just as surely as the night she'd laid waste to the Maidenhead. She just wasn't out of her mind this time.

She didn't drop her gaze, though she'd lost a little colour. _That's why I thought you might mind, now._

Words were hopeless, even in his mind. Instead he took the tangled ball of emotion he felt and pushed it at her – his worry for her, about what she was mixed up in, about the motivations of whoever was pulling the strings behind the scenes. His fierce satisfaction at the idea of the bastards who'd hurt her being destroyed. The memory of their kiss and how it had stayed with him, all this time. How good good _good_ it was to see her, and to see her physically unharmed. How much he wanted her to come back to Serenity with him. How much he wanted it to always be her home.

The colour had crept back into River's cheeks, stronger than before. _Mal_ , she thought, her emotions open to him in return. How much she wanted to come home. How much she missed him, and the others. How much their kiss had stayed with her, and how very much she'd meant it, and still meant it.

Mal held her gaze, his heart pounding harder. He'd thought, he'd hoped, but he hadn't known for certain, not until now.

He wanted to lean in and kiss her again, could imagine exactly the way her lips would feel against his. River inhaled deeply, and he knew she was picturing it too. They watched each other, desire flaring between them, but neither of them closed the gap.

They danced in silence, neither of them looking away, but exchanged no more words even in their minds.

_You should go_ , River thought eventually, as the dance drew to a close. _You have cargo, if I remember rightly_.

_That I do_ , Mal said. _Cargo a-plenty. Just a pity I'm missing part of my crew._ He let go of her waist but kept hold of her hand. _I still want you to come home when you can, darlin'._

_I will_ , River thought, and there was an honest happiness to her thought. _I promise_.

"Good," Mal murmured aloud, and stooped to press a kiss to her knuckles – much as Simon had earlier, but it burned through him, and their minds were still linked enough for him to feel it surge through her as well.

Releasing her hand and walking away was one of the hardest things he'd ever done, but Mal forced himself to do it.

Inara caught his eye as he walked towards the door. He gave her a brief shake of his head to indicate she should stay, and Inara nodded back.

Simon joined him at the door and they left together in silence.

Everyone was waiting when they got back to the ship, and Kaylee's hopeful expression shifted to crushed the moment she took in the fact that they were alone. "Is she... is she okay, at least?"

"I don't know," Simon admitted, sounding bewildered and pained. He drew Kaylee into his arms and buried his face in her hair.

"Hey, hey," Kaylee murmured, shooting an alarmed look at Mal before turning all her attention to her fiancé. She ran a soothing hand up and down Simon's back. "It's okay, Simon. It's all right."

"Sir?" Zoe asked quietly.

Mal met her gaze, quiet and concerned and so steady that the tension rushed out of him, leaving him exhausted. "River can't come home yet," he said, looking round to include Jayne and Kaylee in that statement. He made himself start moving. "And I need a drink."

"God, me too," Simon said unexpectedly, raising his head again.

They all ended up gathered round the kitchen table, Jayne getting out the liquor and passing it around their little group. Kaylee and Simon were holding hands; Mal took his usual spot, Zoe next to him, Jayne down the table.

He was surprised when Inara sat down on his other side a moment later and helped herself to the bottle. "Thought you were Companioning."

Inara gave him that oh-so-familiar look that meant she couldn't believe how stupid he was, and ignored the implied question. "Is she all right?"

Mal took a long gulp of his drink. It burned all the way down. "Yes." He thought about it some more. "And no."

"It's so strange," Simon said, his voice strained. "I used to think..." He blinked and seemed to notice the rest of them properly for the first time. He swallowed and started speaking again. "She looked – great," he told Kaylee. "All dressed up, and flawless make-up, and her hair – she looked... she looked like a Companion, almost."

Kaylee blinked. Mal could almost see her thinking back to that night they'd gotten River to dress up, the night Kuen had made himself known again. River had pulled it off, but not like that.

"And when we were kids, I used to think... That was what I pictured her like, when she grew up," Simon said slowly. "I imagined her this age, I imagined her beautiful in all her finery, dancing at a ball... In my head, I thought she'd look just the way she did tonight. And all this time, I've wanted that for her. Part of me always thought it was what had been taken from her. And then tonight I saw her and – it was wrong. It was all wrong."

Jayne was frowning but Mal figured the rest of them understood well enough.

"She was different," Inara supplied quietly. "I didn't have the chance to speak to her for long, but I could tell. Not just her appearance – mentally, too. She was more..." She paused, considering. "Focused," she settled on finally.

"Don't sound like a bad thing," Jayne said. "If she ain't all feng-le no more –"

Mal shook his head and Jayne had the sense to shut up.

"She told me part of it," Mal said, looking at Simon, because she was his sister and he had some right to know. "She said that she'd blocked a lot of the memories of what happened to her, before. She said Kuen destroyed all the blocks."

Simon went several shades paler, but he nodded. "That would make – it's a common defence mechanism after trauma. I knew she'd done it to some extent – the information about Miranda's a good example, she'd buried it to protect herself. But having everything she'd blocked dragged out at once..."

"Sounds dangerous," Zoe said, sharing a look with Mal. They both knew a thing or two about traumatic memories and the tricks the mind could play to protect itself.

"But she's okay," Kaylee said, squeezing Simon's hand – more appeal than statement. "She's okay, right? I mean, it sounds awful, but she's okay."

"She is." Mal said it mostly to reassure her, but it was true enough. "She said her mind wasn't a dangerous place for her no more."

"Well, that's good!" Kaylee said brightly. "That's good, right?"

"It is good," Simon agreed, managing a smile for her. "I think that's why she was so much more focused. She's more in control of herself than she has been in a long time."

"Except for how she's jumpin' to some madman's tune," Jayne pointed out. "Ain't what I'd call 'in control'."

When Jayne was right, he was right, but he sure as hell wasn't one for varnishing the truth. Mal looked at Inara, then at Simon. "She tell you what she's been doing?"

He hadn't told them after the dream he'd shared with her – told them about the dream, yes, but not that she'd admitted to killing someone.

Simon's eyes were very sharp. "No," he said after a moment. "We only talked for a few minutes and she avoided the question."

"She only told me that she was working," Inara said softly.

Mal drew in a breath and let it out again slowly. Well, this was his crew, and River's too. They knew her, maybe better than she realised. "She told me that Kuen's been tracking down and taking out the people responsible for the Academy. And now she's helping him."

Kaylee's eyes were very wide and she was gripping Simon's hand tightly, but she understood River better than she used to. Kaylee wouldn't reject her for this. Simon wouldn't either; he was pale and more than a little horrified, but there wasn't nothing River could do that would change the way he loved her. Zoe looked thoughtful but met his gaze as steady as ever, not that Mal had expected anything else. Inara was pale but raised her chin challengingly when Mal glanced at her. As for Jayne –

"Good for Crazy," Jayne said, raising his mug in a toast to her and draining what was left in it. He helped himself to the bottle and topped it up again.

Mal couldn't stop his mouth turning up in a smile. "I told her she's still part of this crew and she's still to come home when she can. And she promised she would."

"Good," Kaylee said with relief. "That's good."

Simon nodded slowly. "It is." He hesitated for a moment as though he was thinking of adding something, but decided against it. He downed the rest of his drink instead and looked at Kaylee. "I think I might turn in."

"Yes," Kaylee said immediately. "You need sleep. I mean, we all do, obviously, but –"

Jayne rolled his eyes and got to his feet. "Just don't wake the rest of the ship," he said, wandering off in the direction of the cargo bay, mug in hand.

Simon flushed; Kaylee laughed and began pulling him in the direction of their quarters.

Zoe stood up as well. "I'd better check if Sying's still sleeping," she said and left him and Inara alone at the table together.

Inara silently topped up their mugs.

Mal clinked his against hers and took a long swallow. "You didn't have to come back, you know. Could've stayed and done your Companioning."

"Amelia didn't mind," Inara said calmly. "I'll make it up to her tomorrow."

A pretty image, no question, but Mal sighed and let it slip away.

"How long have you been in love with her?"

Mal choked on his drink and set his mug down hastily. Inara's expression wasn't anything he might have expected, though: she looked pensive, maybe even anxious, but not angry, not contemptuous, not even hurt.

They stared at each other for a long moment before Mal looked away. "A while now, I reckon. Couldn't say how long exactly."

Inara nodded and reached out to top up his mug again.

Several minutes went by in silence before Mal ventured, "Not that I'm complainin', but I gotta admit, I'm surprised you ain't decked me yet."

"Don't tempt me," Inara said darkly, but her fleeting smile reassured him. "I've suspected for a while now. I was thinking of speaking to you about it, but then she was gone and it all became rather academic. Or so I thought."

Mal felt his shoulders tense. "Mind you, if my choice is between you decking me and you lecturing me, I'm all in favour of taking the hit –"

"I'm not going to lecture you," Inara said unexpectedly.

Mal eyed her warily. "Huh." That might just be a first, and given the circumstances he wasn't inclined to take it at face value.

"I just want to be sure you know what you're getting yourself into," Inara said.

Oh yeah, definitely would've been better off taking the hit. "You mean the part where she's a psychic genius and currently workin' as an assassin? Or the part where she has an overprotective older brother who knows his way around a scalpel?"

Inara glared at him and it was almost like old times. "Mostly I meant the part where she's twenty years old and other than her brother you're probably the first person to truly believe in her."

Yeah, just like old times. That was the thing about Inara, she always knew just where to twist the knife. "Oh, right, that part."

"It's just – you need to remember that she's a reader, Mal. She's bound to see all the things you feel for her in your mind, and that must be irresistible for someone who's been through the things she has," Inara went on inexorably. "I'm not saying her feelings for you aren't genuine, but she's very young –"

Mal stared at her. "Are you worryin' that I'm gonna get my heart broken?"

"I'm worried about _both_ of you," Inara said firmly, but put her hand on his arm. "But I know you, Mal. Just – be careful. Both of you. I don't want either of you getting hurt."

Mal shook his head and leaned back in his chair, abruptly exhausted. "Think you're doing River a disservice. She knows her own mind. But like you said, it's all academic for now."

"Except it's not, is it?" Inara said softly. "I watched you dancing together tonight."

And just like that, Mal was back in that moment: River's hand in his, her eyes gazing up at him, darker than he'd ever seen them, her mind threading through his, the certainty of how they both felt stretching between them. He took another drink instead of answering.

It was unlike Inara to be merciful, but she let it drop. "You know there's got to be more to it than just turning her loose against the people responsible for the Academy, don't you? After the way Kuen came after her..."

"And knowing the Alliance like I do," Mal said sourly. "Yeah, the thought has occurred to me."

He couldn't exactly begrudge River a shot at revenge: there was more than one Alliance hun dan and not a few turncoats besides that he'd welcome the opportunity to meet in a dark alley one night. But it wasn't going to happen, and besides, he had his ship, his crew and the black, and he wasn't about to risk losing any of that just for the chance to split his knuckles open. The price tag wasn't worth it. Well, most days, anyway. Mal had never claimed to be a good man.

He couldn't help but worry about what the price tag was going to be for River.

"If you've got any notion what else we can do, I'm only too happy to hear it, 'Nara," he told her. He and Inara didn't always see eye to eye, but he'd always listen to her counsel.

Inara looked down. "I don't know. I've been trying to come up with something, but –"

"Yeah," Mal said tiredly. "She knows she can come home. She knows if she gets in a tight spot, all she needs to do is let us know and we'll be there." He took another drink. "She told me she's gonna need to get out of this one herself. I don't like it, but she's right."

After a moment, Inara squeezed his arm and got to her feet, leaving him alone in the silence of the kitchen. Mal watched her go and poured himself another drink.

* * *

_You think about him too much_.

Kuen's mental tone was irritated, but not as much as it would have been even a few weeks ago. River kept her own reaction under control as well. _You know how I feel about him_ , she told him simply, because it was impossible for a reader to miss, let alone someone who'd spent as much time in her mind as Kuen. _Of course I think about him_.

She pressed at his mind, trying to see the real cause of his irritation, beyond her memory of Mal and Simon and Inara at the party a week ago. It had been unbelievably good to see them, even if it had also thrown into sharp relief for her how much she'd changed over the past seven months.

Kuen didn't try to keep her out: they rarely bothered with that these days, comfortable with each other now. He let her see the tangled little knot of emotion, and River traced it back. His irritation masked envy, that Mal had accepted her actions without judgement when Kuen still didn't dare to tell Marie the truth about their work, and unhappiness about River's renewed determination to return to Serenity in the future.

_It's my home_ , she reminded him. _And I stayed, didn't I? You were right, so I stayed. But one day, yes, I would like to go back home. I miss Mal and Simon and all the others._

There was an edge of bitterness in his mind, something Kuen couldn't or wouldn't put into words, but he gave a mental sigh and let it slip away.

_I'll try to concentrate on the assignment_ , River said by way of a peace-offering.

Even from five hundred feet away, she could feel him rolling his eyes, but it was good-natured now, and River smiled in response.

Most of her attention had been on the house she was watching, even as they'd talked. One of the great advantages of their abilities was the fact that she could watch the front, Kuen the back, and they could see each other's perspective in real time.

_Home will definitely be the easiest option for this one_ , Kuen thought.

River sent a wordless sense of agreement. Their target, Laura Morgan, worked for a pharmaceutical company, and the building where her lab was located was secure. But each night she returned alone to this little house outside the city, which had next to no security. It would be easy.

She checked the sight lines again. From where she was lying – a rooftop across the street – she could shoot the woman almost anywhere in the living room, and a good portion of the kitchen too. Kuen offered up his analysis from behind the house – a sight line to the bedroom, if the blinds were open, and a small portion of the target's study.

_Jones and Wu were right, it would be easy_ , Kuen said. _Almost too bad that we're not going to do it that way_.

It was one of the few things they'd agreed on almost from the start. It was tempting to kill from a distance, to kill without their targets knowing what was happening or why. It was – cleaner. Less exposure to their targets' minds, to their pain and hatred and desperation as they died.

Their handlers' briefing notes suggested using a sniper approach to eliminate Laura Morgan, but Kuen always liked to look their targets in the eye. To tell them, sometimes, why they were about to die. River had found it incredibly difficult to kill someone when looking them in the eye, when feeling their panic. Which was why she now forced herself to do it that way. Part of it was something Mal had said once, but most of it was her, her own conviction. If she couldn't kill someone that way, then she shouldn't be killing them at all.

She didn't anticipate any problems this time. Their briefing notes were engraved on her mind's eye. Laura Morgan had been one of the many minor scientists involved with the Academy – not one who'd had any contact with the 'subjects', and River didn't remember her – but she'd helped to develop the drugs used on them, had used the test results to formulate more effective ones. She'd known what was happening, even if she'd never wanted to see her 'subjects' for herself.

_She'll see us very soon_ , Kuen said grimly. _Tonight, I think. We've got all we need from staking this place out._

River agreed. _Were you thinking of just walking in the front door?_

_You can break in through the bathroom window if you'd prefer. I know you enjoy a challenge._

River grinned.

They met up back on the ground an hour later, just as it was starting to get dark. River pulled her hair back and knotted it, checking to make sure that her dress was clean and she looked young and respectable and, most importantly, harmless. Next to her, Kuen smoothed his hair back.

Laura Morgan was in her kitchen, moving around as she made something to eat. She hadn't bothered to turn on the lights yet.

_Shall we?_

_Let's._

They walked easily up to the front door. Kuen knocked.

Their target opened it a moment later, frowning at them in mild confusion, but her instinctive wariness dissolved at the sight of them, so apparently unthreatening. "Yes?"

"Ms Morgan," Kuen said smoothly, "may we have a moment of your time?"

The woman hesitated, ready to ask who they were and what they wanted, but River gave her a little mental push and instead she stood back to let them in.

"Thank you," River said without smiling, and led the way inside.

Their target took them through to her study, which was useful: killing her in one of the rooms at the back of the house would be less likely to attract attention from people outside. River looked around automatically, taking in the books – chemistry and other sciences, psychology, literature – and photographs on the desk.

"No doubt you're wondering who we are and why we're here," Kuen said. His voice was still light and unthreatening, but River could feel the growing storm of rage and hatred building in his mind. "We're former subjects of yours."

The woman frowned – in growing alarm, but above all confusion. Odd, when most of the people they confronted made the connection immediately.

"You conducted experiments on us," Kuen went on, "you tried to –"

"I'm sorry," the woman interrupted unexpectedly, "but you must be mistaken. My work is with cells – rat cells, for the most part. I don't know what you're referring to, but –"

Truth. What she was saying was the truth. Although of course she was assuming that they were here because of her current place of employment, rather than...

River dug into her mind, searching back.

"It's nice to know you're more selective in your test subjects these days," Kuen said, his fury starting to bleed into his voice. "If only you'd shown the same level of concern back at the Academy."

_There_ , that brought up the associations River had been looking for – a sharp horror and hatred and grief, but it was wrong, it wasn't what she'd thought, it didn't make sense.

"What do you know about the Academy?" the woman demanded, her voice suddenly sharp.

_She didn't work there_ , River told Kuen urgently. _She's been a scientist at her company for ten years. She never worked at the Academy._

_She's lying_ , Kuen snarled in her mind.

_You're the one who taught me how hard it is to lie with your mind_ , River reminded him.

_I wouldn't put it past any of the bastards from the Academy_ , Kuen said.

_Even so, none of the rest managed it_ , River thought. _If she's lying, find the lie._

Kuen sent a wave of his anger at her, but joined her deeper in the woman's mind, inspecting her memories. River was already looking, tracing the associations back. She hadn't worked at the Academy, but she'd thought of it the moment she heard the word, not any of the thousands of other academies that could have been meant. She knew of it, and she knew of it because –

"Answer me!" Laura Morgan demanded, her face set in desperate lines. "What do you know about the Academy? What do you know about Laurie?"

Everything stopped.

After a stunned moment, Kuen thought, weak and disbelieving, _She's lying_.

River showed him the memories she'd found, too shocked to do more than direct his attention to them.

A beautiful, brilliant daughter who'd known more than she should have done.

The Academy brochure, the scholarship, her daughter's eagerness for a challenge.

Hugging Laurie goodbye. Letters, one or two, then silence. Demanding information from the Academy but getting nowhere. Turning, in desperation, to her Member of Parliament and to the press. Trying everything to find out what had happened to her daughter.

_She's not lying_ , River thought, tears springing up in her eyes.

_She has to be_ , Kuen thought back, but it was denial, nothing more.

"Answer me, damn you!" Laura Morgan shouted.

"Ms Morgan," River whispered, fighting back her tears, "I'm sorry. We were... friends with your daughter. She's dead. I'm so sorry."

Laura Morgan sank into the chair behind her desk, her face chalk white. "You're lying," she whispered.

The echo almost forced a desperate, hysterical laugh from River, but she fought it down too. Beside her, Kuen was a mess of emotions, but he couldn't deny the truth of the situation any longer: Laura's reaction was too real and too overwhelming for that.

"I wish I was," River said, forcing her voice to cooperate. She knelt down on the floor in front of Laura and met her eyes. Behind her, Kuen had started to pace back and forth. "We were at the Academy with Laurie," she said.

"Oh god," Laura whispered. She closed her eyes; tears were streaming down her face. _You knew_ , she was thinking. _You've known it for years, Laura, you knew she was dead. You've always known something happened to her there._

_We need to tell her_ , River thought to Kuen.

Kuen didn't pause in his pacing, didn't respond in words. He was still struggling with his own emotions, and with the bleed-through from Laura and from River herself. River understood. It was very hard to think straight with so much grief and confusion and anger ricocheting back and forth between them.

"I don't even know who you are," Laura said. It wasn't a rejection of anything River had said, just a dazed realisation.

"My name is River," River said. "This is Kuen."

Laura opened her eyes and stared at her. "Laurie – she wrote to me a couple of times, right after she went there. She said – she said she'd made friends with a girl called River." She swallowed hard. _There's no way she could know that_ , she was thinking. _Oh god, it's really true, she really knew Laurie, she – she knows what happened to her._

River wanted to close her own eyes, but it wouldn't have helped, wouldn't have shut out Laura's grief or Kuen's shock or her own desperation. She swayed for a second, overwhelmed.

Kuen's pacing paused and his hands settled on her shoulders. His mind pressed against hers, his whirling panic and shock dying down as they braced themselves against each other, just long enough to steady each other.

_Thank you_ , River said.

_Don't thank me_ , Kuen said. He pulled away but was back a moment later, setting the room's only other chair down behind her. _Sit down_.

River obeyed. Kuen was still very pale and reeling, but he was steadier than he had been, and he met her eyes for a moment before he resumed his pacing, slower than before.

"I'm sorry," Laura said with a huff of breath that skirted the edge of a hysterical laugh, "I'm – I'm probably being terribly rude, I just –"

"You're not," Kuen said sharply. " _We_ are."

"We didn't realise who you are," River offered by way of explanation. "We're sorry. We – we can tell you what happened to Laurie, if you're sure you want to know."

Laura straightened, her red-rimmed eyes hardening. "I have spent _years_ trying to get answers about what happened to my daughter. Yes, I want to know."

River drew in a deep breath, trying to figure out where to begin.

Kuen beat her to it. "Laurie was probably a lot like we were. Smart, maybe more than just smart. Intuitive. She probably had a knack for... reading people. Knowing things about them. Maybe you even joked about her being a mind-reader."

Laura nodded, her mind recalling a dozen incidents.

"The Academy targeted children who they thought had psychic potential," River said. "And they conducted experiments on us to try to – enhance that potential."

Laura was struggling with the idea of psychics, with the idea that her daughter had potentially had abilities like that, but she was too caught up in what she was hearing to interrupt, so River pressed on.

"The experiments were – they hurt us. There were drugs, surgeries... We were all traumatised. Laurie..."

Kuen took up the story again. "She was very badly hurt." Involuntarily, he and River both flashed back to Laurie's mind after that final surgery, the pain and despair that had radiated from her. "She wanted it to end, more than anything. She wanted to escape. No matter how."

"There were guards," River explained, her voice wavering. "They were armed. Laurie managed to grab one of their guns and – and she shot herself."

Laura was weeping silently, but her mind was screaming out her pain.

River struggled to know what to say, Kuen's thoughts reflecting the same helplessness. Finally, she went on, "She was – she was glad, at the end. Triumphant. She knew she'd won. She beat them."

She would have wanted Simon to know that, if things had gone differently. If she'd been the one to give up, if Kuen had been standing in Simon's home with Laurie at his side, she would have wanted Simon to know that she'd won, not been defeated.

_That would never have happened_ , Kuen said darkly in her mind, a promise. _Never_.

"Thank you," Laura choked out. "Thank you. I can't pretend –" _Can't pretend it's what I wanted to hear_ , her mind supplied. "But I've wanted to know. For years. I knew she wouldn't just stop writing, I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't find out, no one would tell me anything. Eventually they said the Academy had been shut down, that there was no record of her – I've been trying to find out what happened through my MP, but..."

Now that the initial shock was fading from her mind and Kuen's, River picked up on that and the memories she'd looked at earlier. "Who is your Member of Parliament?" she asked quietly.

"Member Poole," Laura said. Her mind supplied an image of a middle-aged woman with smooth brown hair and a sympathetic expression.

_She knew about the Academy_ , Kuen thought.

_She came to two of my demonstrations_ , River confirmed, fighting to suppress a shudder. _We can't leave Laura here. When they realise we haven't killed her they'll send someone else._

Kuen's mind was still off-balance. _They lied to us. They told us she'd worked there. They sent us to kill her._

_Yes._ River couldn't help thinking back to the other people they'd killed, but no, no, they'd always gone into their minds, all of them had been involved with the Academy. With the exception of the Operative, and she'd let him live.

She pushed the idea that sparked at Kuen, who paused in his pacing for a moment to look at her, then nodded his acceptance.

"Ms Morgan," River said, trying to keep her voice calm and soothing and fairly certain she was failing, "we're going to need you to come with us. It's not safe for you to be here any more."

Laura frowned at her, still looking more than a little dazed. "I don't – what?"

"We were sent here to kill you," Kuen told her bluntly, and walked out of the study.

River felt him scanning the area, trying to figure out if they were being watched, trying to put together a plan for how to get Laura out without attracting attention.

Laura was staring at her, eyes narrowed. "I don't understand."

"It's true," River said softly. "We were told you had been a scientist at the Academy, and we were sent here to kill you. If anyone finds out we didn't – they'll send someone else. It's not safe for you to be here any more."

Laura simply stared at her.

"Pack a few things," River instructed her, and pressed at her mind just enough to force her past the daze of shock. "We don't have long. Kuen and I will figure out how to make you disappear."

She left the study to give the woman a moment's privacy and found Kuen in the kitchen, examining the contents of the cupboards for chemicals they could use.

_I'm thinking a fire_ , Kuen told her. _It should buy us some time before they realise there was no corpse there. Enough time for us to get back to Londinium and figure out what's going on._

_All right_ , River agreed. _I'll try to reach Mal._

She let her eyes slip shut. She and Kuen were two moons away from where they'd been a week ago when she'd sensed Mal close by and helped him with his job. Serenity could be a long way away by now. But... Mal had come to her, had danced with her, had talked with her. Had reassured her that she could still come home. It was possible that he might have chosen to stay close for a little longer, just in case...

She'd never tried reaching out this far before, not while she was awake. Apparently she'd reached a long way in her dreams without meaning to, but her conscious mind was more aware of her limitations. And yet – there. Familiar and beloved.

_Mal._

Startlement, hope and alarm, cursing.

River winced but held on to the connection, trying to strengthen it, but Mal was too far away for her to see through his eyes. _Is this a bad time?_

_Is this a – is this a bad time?! Are you – deng yi huir. River. Just let me – don't you dare go anywhere –_

River smiled, letting the warmth of his mind flow through her. _No rush, Captain._

Kuen nudged her mind irritably and she amended, _Possibly a slight rush. But don't get yourself shot. I prefer you with a minimum of bullet holes._

_I'll drink to that. Right. Right, okay, everything's shiny. Zoe's got them under control. Where are you?_

_Ezra_ , she told him. _Where are you?_

_Kerry_ , he replied, and she could sense something like awe from him. _You can reach me from that far away?_

_It depends on the orbits_ , she told him. _They're not so far apart at the moment. Which... is why I'd like to ask for a favour. You can say no._

She could sense his wariness at the thought of anyone asking a favour, but he didn't hesitate. _Whatever you need, River, you know that._

_Could you pick someone up here and smuggle them off-world for me? If you could take them to Three Hills, I know someone who'll protect them..._

_Fine. So long as it's not Kuen._

River smiled. _It's not Kuen. Thank you, Mal._

_It'll take us a couple more hours to finish up here. And likely a few more to reach Ezra, though my favourite genius probably has a better idea of how long than I do._

_We'll get her to the docks. Her name is Laura Morgan._ She sent Mal an impression of Laura's face, enough for him to recognise her.

_You won't be coming on board?_

_Kuen and I have some problems to deal with_. River was sure the grim tone of her thoughts had carried across, and she tried to modulate it. _Besides, if I came on board, I wouldn't want to leave again. I'd rather wait until I can stay_.

She could feel that his focus had sharpened, though. _Are you in trouble, River?_

More than usual, he meant.

_I think so, yes. But no immediate danger, I promise. Mal, I need to go plan an arson and you need to concentrate on not getting shot. But thank you._

She could tell that Mal didn't want to let the subject drop, but there was no choice, they'd spent far too long talking already. _Be careful, darlin'._

Kuen had heard it all, of course, and he gave her a nod when her focus returned to him. "Make sure Laura's ready to move. I'm going to start dousing this place." He'd mixed several cleaning chemicals into a cocktail, one that River knew would be highly flammable.

River slipped up the stairs. The nudge she'd given Laura before had been more effective than she'd expected: the woman had snapped out of her shock enough to pack a small bag of clothes, money and small personal items.

"Where are we going?" Laura asked when she saw River standing in the doorway of her bedroom.

"A friend of mine is going to pick you up and take you off-world," River said. "He's going to take you to someone I know, someone who can help you disappear."

Laura frowned, looking down at her bag. "You're asking me to leave my whole life behind."

River could feel Kuen's disgust but ignored it. "I'm asking you to live," she said. "Even if it's not the life you were planning on."

Laura studied her for a moment, then nodded. "I – all right. Thank you. I just – it's a lot to take in."

"Yes," River agreed grimly. "Are you ready?"

"Almost," Laura said. She picked up a framed photograph from her bedside and smiled down at it, then tilted it to show River. It was of a younger Laura, taken perhaps six or seven years ago, when she'd smiled more freely. There was a girl holding her hand, in her early teens.

River studied it. It had to be Laurie, of course. It was a little disconcerting to realise that she didn't recognise her. It wasn't that she'd changed so much after arriving at the Academy, although no doubt she had. It was that River wasn't sure they'd ever met in the flesh. Laurie might have written to her mother that they'd become friends, in the few carefully monitored and censored letters they'd been allowed to send, but most of the students had only ever met in their minds. After their first few days at the Academy, they'd all been kept physically separated for security reasons. River had known Laurie's mind as well as she'd known her own, but she hadn't had the first idea what she looked like. The picture could have been of anyone, for all River recognised her.

Fortunately, Laura didn't seem to expect a response. She slipped the photo into her bag and closed it. She stared down at it for a moment, then pulled herself together. "I'm ready."

_We'll put everyone nearby to sleep_ , Kuen said, _then leave. I'll start the fire. Then we get to the docks. All right?_

"All right," River said to them both. "Let's do it."

* * *

"And she didn't say why?" Zoe was a calming presence as she took Serenity down into the world, a faint frown betraying her concentration and perhaps also her concern.

"I got the feeling she's in trouble," Mal admitted finally.

He hadn't said as much when he'd hustled them through the process of getting paid and taken them off Kerry faster than was strictly advisable, but no one had objected, not when Mal had told them River had contacted him.

Jayne had given him a look that suggested he thought Mal should maybe speak to the doctor about hearing voices so gorram much these days, but Jayne was fond of River in his own way and he'd left it at that.

Now, with just him and Zoe on the bridge, it was easier to admit how worried he was.

"She say what kind?"

"She said she had an arson to plan," Mal said, which actually drew Zoe's eyes to him for a second before she returned her focus to flying. "Though she also said she wasn't in immediate danger."

Zoe's raised eyebrow showed that the implication of less immediate danger wasn't lost on her either. "Maybe our passenger will be able to tell us more," she said.

"I surely hope so," Mal agreed.

They landed with no problems and Jayne and Mal opened up the ship. Before Mal could even get to wondering about where he was supposed to find this Laura, a woman approached. She was plainly dressed, with a dark scarf over her hair, but her appearance matched what River had shown him.

The woman was hesitant, looking at the name painted on the side of the ship twice for confirmation before she stepped forward. "Excuse me. I'm looking for Captain Reynolds?"

Mal nodded and shook her hand. "I'm Captain Reynolds. I'm guessin' you're our passenger. I gather you're in a bit of a rush to get off this world, so if you'd like to come right aboard, we'll be leaving as soon as we get things straightened up."

"I – thank you," the woman said. "I'm Laura Morgan. I appreciate you picking me up at such short notice."

"Ain't no problem," Mal said, which was both a blatant lie and the simple truth: River had asked, and that was all there was to it.

He allowed himself one last searching look around the docks. River had said that she wouldn't be coming aboard, but he'd still hoped that maybe... Well. Hopefully that meant she was well on her way to sorting out whatever trouble she was in.

"Didn't get to so much as sniff the dirt this time," Jayne grumbled under his breath as he closed the ship back up again.

"That's the job," Mal told him and kept walking. "Kaylee, how about you take our guest up, find her a room, get her settled."

"Sure thing, Cap'n," Kaylee said, with a warm smile. "Laura, right? I'm Kaylee. C'mon, we've got some nice rooms up this way – not that it'll take us that long to reach Three Hills, of course."

"Thank you," Laura said. "I – Captain?"

Mal paused, his foot on the first step back up towards the bridge.

"The woman, River – she asked me to give you this," Laura said, and handed him an envelope.

Kaylee's eyes had widened, but she led Laura away when Mal nodded to her.

Mal took the stairs up to the bridge two at a time, Jayne following close behind him.

The envelope contained a pouch of coins and a short note – clearly scribbled in haste, because although River's handwriting was as elegant as ever, it was on a torn scrap of paper.

> Mal,
> 
> Thank you so much. Payment for her passage. The Alliance want her dead. At the monastery on Three Hills there's a shepherd who goes by the name of Peter. He'll protect her if you can get her to him. She'll tell you more about what's happened.
> 
> Yours, River
> 
> PS – Give my love to everyone.
> 
> PPS – Please don't kill him.

Mal handed the note wordlessly to Zoe. By the time Jayne had had his turn laboriously reading through it, frowning, Simon, Inara and Kaylee had all reached the bridge and they took turns reading it as well.

"Don't kill who?" Jayne asked at last, frowning like he'd been working on that question ever since he'd finished reading.

"Curious about that my own self," Mal said. "Maybe our new passenger will have light to shed on the question."

"She seems... nice," Kaylee offered. "But kind of shocked. I don't think she was plannin' on flying off to Three Hills today."

"That makes eight of us," Mal said. "Zoe, take us out of the world, if you would. Whoever's turn it is to make dinner, get started on that. We'll ask our passenger what she knows then. Dong ma?"

The bridge slowly emptied, though Simon hung back. "River didn't – get in touch with you again while we were here?"

"We weren't here but a half hour," Mal pointed out.

Simon looked as mulish as ever, and Mal sighed. "No, Doctor, she didn't. Just the note."

Simon nodded with reluctant acceptance.

Dinner was tense, since the entire crew was waiting to hear what their passenger had to say. Kaylee managed to keep up some bright chatter about the ship and the crew at first, but even she subsided into silence quickly.

"You'll pardon me for askin'," Mal said when the table was at last mostly cleared, "but you're obviously in some trouble, or you wouldn't be on my ship right now. River said in her note that you'd tell us more."

Laura looked at him for a long moment, then nodded. "I wasn't sure how much I should say, if anything. But River did say I could trust you, all of you." She swallowed. "They told me they'd been sent to kill me."

Kaylee's eyes were wide and horrified; Simon had paled. Zoe and Inara exchanged a quick glance.

Jayne helped himself to the last piece of bread. "So what'd you do that you deserve killin' for?"

"Jayne," Mal warned him.

Jayne shot him a 'What?' glance but subsided.

"I don't know, not for certain," Laura said, unexpectedly strong. "River and Kuen thought I'd been too vocal in asking questions about the Academy, trying to find out what happened to my daughter."

Simon had turned even paler. "Your daughter was at the Academy?"

Kaylee had a hand clapped to her mouth.

"Her name was Laurie," Laura said, her eyes filling with tears. Her voice wavered. "She was very special."

Simon leaned forward to touch her hand. "I understand. River's my sister. She's special too."

Laura nodded and took a deep breath. "Then you know – you all know about the Academy."

"Yes," Mal answered for the crew. "I'd say we know a fair bit."

"I've spent the past few years pushing for answers about what happened to my daughter," Laura said. "The Academy itself stonewalled me, and then after it shut down the authorities claimed there was no record that Laurie had ever been there. I've been fighting for information ever since. The press, the education authorities, my Member of Parliament..."

Oh yes. Mal could see why the Alliance had decided the 'verse would be a more convenient place without Laura Morgan in it.

"Now I know the truth," Laura said, her voice choked. "River and Kuen told me – that she killed herself."

_Ni tama de. Tianxia suoyou de ren. Dou gaisi._

"I'm so sorry," Inara said, her tone betraying how genuinely affected she was. "River is very dear to all of us. I can't imagine – if it had been her –"

If it had been her, none of them but Simon would have ever known her. But even so, Inara was right. Mal could imagine it, all too well. Could remember the fragile, traumatised girl who'd first come on board his ship. Could imagine her a few months earlier, tortured and drugged and despairing, seeing an opening and taking it – a knife, a gun, anything.

They'd come so very close to never meeting her at all. And for all that his life would have been a damn sight less complicated that way, Mal couldn't force down his horror at the thought.

"I'm just glad to know," Laura said. Her eyes were red-rimmed, but she was holding back her tears. "Not knowing was the worst, I think. I already knew – I knew she wasn't coming home. Now I know what happened." She cleared her throat, forced her tone to become more businesslike. "When River and Kuen realised who I was, they smuggled me out of my home and down to the docks. They burned my house. For all intents and purposes Laura Morgan is dead now. It's time for me to begin a new life, I guess."

"You'll be all right," Simon said unexpectedly. "It won't always be easy, but – you'll be all right."

Laura forced a smile. "I expect I'll manage."

Mal escaped to the bridge as soon as he decently could, under the pretext of checking their course before turning in for the night. It was a fairly transparent pretext, and he was half-expecting Zoe or Inara to follow him. He was not quite surprised when it was Simon who appeared instead.

"I'm guessing you can't get it out of your head either," Simon said.

It wasn't a question, but Mal answered anyway. "It's a hell of a thought."

River was quick and she was smart. At some point, she must have had an opening. Probably more than one.

"I don't know how close she came," Simon said, sinking into the co-pilot's seat without being invited. "But – you saw the video Kuen sent us. And she told me once, right after we came on board, that she didn't think I was going to come for her."

"She would have had an opening," Mal said quietly. "At some point. She's too quick and too smart not to have found one, if she was lookin'."

"Yes," Simon agreed. "But River doesn't give up."

Mal looked at him, and Simon met his gaze steadily. For the first time, Mal wondered how much of what he felt was written on his face.

But all Simon said was, "She won't give up this time, either. She'll come home."

Mal nodded and turned back to the course calculations to avoid having to reply.

* * *

They'd waited until Laura Morgan was safely on board Serenity, staying out of sight but close enough to intervene if anyone had taken an interest in her, before slipping away to Kuen's ship.

River had been tempted, so tempted, to reach out to Mal again, but her thoughts were racing, twisting all the data to try to make sense of what was going on. Kuen's mind was in chaos too, and it had been hard just to remain focused enough to ensure no one took an interest in Laurie's mother until she was safely away.

_Laurie's mother_.

"They can't have lied to us," Kuen said. They were both good enough pilots to handle take-off without devoting much attention to it, but instead they'd sunk down into chairs in the communal area. Kuen's hands were tight in his own hair and he was speaking aloud – trying to convince himself more than her, trying to pull himself out of the whirlwind of his thoughts.

River let her silence speak for her.

"Jones and Wu must have had faulty data," Kuen insisted. "They didn't deliberately lie. They – we'd have known if they'd lied."

River forced herself to speak aloud as well, to channel the racing of her mind into thoughts clear enough to voice. "The data we were given was manufactured by someone. The inaccuracies were too great to be an error. We were deliberately given that information so we would kill her."

"Member Poole," Kuen said, his voice hardening. "Laura Morgan had been asking questions. Member Poole didn't want anyone to find out her role in torturing kids."

Entirely possible, River knew. She remembered the woman's mind, the way she'd watched as River performed for the visiting Members. The sharp-edged _appreciation_ there, the speculation about the possibilities River presented. Eliminating someone who was asking inconvenient questions was not something River would put past her. And she was a member of one of the subcommittees that could issue assignments to operatives, so the assignment could well have come from her.

"But how would she have known to say that Laura worked at the Academy?" River wondered aloud, thinking her way through it. Given that Member Poole had been involved with the Academy, she wasn't supposed to know that Kuen and River were working for the Parliament; Member Simmons had been very careful to keep their identities from those Members. She didn't know they were assassinating people involved with the Academy, so how had she known to provide that information?

_Perhaps Jones or Wu have been talking about us to the wrong people_ , Kuen suggested, his mind calming enough now for him to think to her instead of speaking. _Or maybe they did manage to lie to us. Either way, we'll find out. We'll go over their heads._

_Member Simmons_ , River agreed.

* * *

Mal very nearly had his gun in his hand before reason cut in. Reason, and the memory of River's second postscript. _Please don't kill him._

Well, Mal thought, staring at the man she'd sent him to, that made a hell of a lot more sense now. Though he'd have appreciated a less cryptic warning.

"Captain Reynolds," the Operative said, his flash of surprise already vanished.

Zoe was strong and sure at his side, and he knew she could draw her gun in well under a second if it was needed. Mal drew strength from that.

"Peter?" he said, less a question than an expression of scepticism.

The Operative – impossible to think of him as anything else – shrugged and sat back down on the floor. "As good a name as any. Did she send you to kill me, Captain?"

There was only one person who could be meant. "No. Asked me not to, actually. Don't make me disappoint her."

"You've seen her," Zoe said unexpectedly. "Recently."

Mal's eyes narrowed, but the Operative merely nodded. "A few months ago now. On another moon. She and another operative had been sent to kill me. Instead, she chose to force me to live."

An interesting way of putting it. Mal pulled out the second note River had given Laura. "She asked us to bring someone here. And give you this."

He'd read it on the ship, so he knew what the Operative was looking at now.

_You were looking for a purpose. Keep her safe._

The Operative stared at the note. "Who is she referring to?"

"The mother of a kid who killed herself at the Academy," Mal said. "Reckon she asked a few too many questions about it and someone decided life would be easier without her."

The Operative studied the note. A long moment passed in silence before he looked up, and something had changed in his face, something Mal couldn't name.

"Thank you," the Operative said quietly. "Will you take me to her, or would you prefer to bring her here?"

"You might as well come with us," Mal said. "Don't suppose you'll be staying here in any event."

The Operative nodded and got up. It took him all of ten seconds to pack up the few belongings in his cell.

It made Mal uneasy as all hell, letting the Operative on board his ship, but if River trusted him enough to ask him to do this, Mal could put up with having him on board for a few minutes. He looked at Zoe, who nodded: she'd stay with the Operative and keep a watchful eye on him at all times.

The rest of his crew were silent as the three of them came on board, with the exception of Jayne, who spat on the ground at the sight of the Operative.

"Kaylee, tell Laura we need her in the kitchen," Mal said, partly because it was true, partly to get Kaylee out of the hun dan's sight for a minute or two. As Kaylee left, he said, low enough that only the Operative would hear, "For the most part, I trust River's judgement. But if Laura Morgan says she don't want to go with you, that's the end of it, dong ma?"

"Of course, I understand," the Operative said. He paused, then added, "When you're next in contact with River Tam, I would appreciate it if you'd thank her for me. And tell her – if she is in trouble, I'll help her if I can."

"What makes you think she's in trouble?" Zoe asked sharply.

The Operative took the seat Mal indicated at the kitchen table. "She let me live. She let this woman live." He looked at Zoe, then met Mal's eyes. "River Tam is not their puppet, Captain, and sooner or later they will realise that. And the Parliament does not simply let its operatives go."

_River Tam is not their puppet_. Mal hadn't even realised how much he'd wanted to hear someone else put that into words until now. "I'll pass the message along," he said finally.

Kaylee ushered Laura Morgan into the kitchen at that moment. The woman's attention focused immediately on the Operative, who stood up to shake her hand.

"This is Laura Morgan," Mal said. "Laura, this is... Peter."

"I'm very pleased to make your acquaintance," the Operative said politely. "I understand you need to disappear."

"It seems so," Laura said. "River said you might be willing to help me."

"Of course," the Operative said, as if there had been no doubt about the matter at all. "I owe her a number of debts. Helping you is the least I can do."

"Are we certain this is a good idea?" Inara asked quietly, looking at Mal.

"No," Mal replied openly. "But River seemed to think he could be trusted with this. It's up to Laura, though."

"I should explain," the Operative said to Laura. "I was, until a few years ago, an operative of the Parliament. I was sent in pursuit of this crew, and River Tam in particular. They are, rightly, mistrustful of me. I will understand if you do not trust me either. But I would like to begin to make amends for the things I did. And as a former operative, I know better than anyone how to make you disappear and keep you safe."

Laura hesitated, looking down at the table, then nodded. "If River had wanted me dead, she would have killed me back there. If she thinks this is how I'll be safe, then I'll trust her." She looked up and met the Operative's gaze. "I'll come with you."

The Operative nodded. "Thank you," he said softly. "In that case, I suggest we do not trespass on Captain Reynolds' hospitality any longer."

Five minutes later they were gone, and Mal couldn't help his sigh of relief at having the man off his ship, whether River trusted him or not. For Laura Morgan's sake, he hoped River was right and the Operative could be trusted with this. But if Mal never saw the hun dan again, it'd be too soon.

His crew were still gathered in the kitchen, standing and sitting in nervous silence. Mal took the cup of tea Kaylee passed him with a nod of appreciation.

Simon broke the silence. "Do you think he was right? Do you think River's in trouble?"

Mal restrained a sigh. "I do. Though I also think she can handle herself."

"We're talking about the Parliament, Mal," Inara pointed out, worry sharpening her voice. "Being able to handle herself is one thing. Being able to handle the Parliament is another."

"Of that I'm well aware," Mal said. "River knows if she needs us, all she has to do is let us know – hell, she just did."

Zoe said quietly, "It doesn't feel like enough."

"No," Mal agreed, "that it doesn't." Worry had been growing in him ever since River had reached out to him, all the more after not hearing anything from her when they'd landed on Ezra. He hadn't liked anything about the situation ever since Kuen had first come on to the scene, and he was about done with sitting back and worrying helplessly. "So we're gonna take Inara to her appointment."

Everyone stared at him. "Sir?" Zoe asked.

"Inara's yearly medical check-up, for her Companioning," Mal said. "Must be about that time, right, Inara?"

"Actually, I have another couple of months," Inara said, then her eyes widened. "But it would be convenient to get it out of the way early. Of course, that means we'll have to go to the Core."

"Where we'll be close by if River needs help," Mal said, mostly because Jayne's face hadn't registered much understanding yet. "Anyone feel the need to raise any objections?"

He wasn't surprised when no one did.

* * *

Getting in to see a Member of Parliament in person was difficult, even if you followed the appropriate channels. If you wanted to bypass them – say, to avoid alerting whoever had betrayed you – then impossible was the word. The Parliament building, where the Members spent long days and long evenings, was the most secure building in the 'verse. River remembered all the security personnel, cameras and other defences from their brief visit months ago. She and Kuen discussed trying to slip in unnoticed, but quickly concluded that even they wouldn't be able to pull it off.

Fortunately, Marie had given them the address of Member Simmons' private residence.

It, too, was highly secure, but there was no comparison to the Parliament building. Getting in would take some doing, but for River and Kuen it was far from impossible. The only problem was the waiting: it was the middle of the night before Member Simmons finally returned from the Parliament building.

_Now_ rippled through both their minds at once, and they moved.

Their route in involved scaling a wall, a very narrow ventilation shaft, and several minutes moving along the ceiling instead of the floor, but at last they arrived safely in his private study.

_If you really need to speak to him privately, that's the best place,_ Marie had told them, frowning a little. _Are you sure you won't let me set up an appointment for you, like last time? It's true that he's very busy, but I know he'd make time for you two_.

Kuen had quite smoothly convinced her that it wasn't necessary, that it would be a good test for Member Simmons' security measures to see if he and River could get in to see him, that she shouldn't warn anyone they were going to try. River remembered Marie's smile now, fond and amused.

_I'll vouch for you when his bodyguards stick you in a cell_ , she'd said.

Member Simmons' study was the kind of old-fashioned that spoke of great wealth. Wood everywhere – wood panels on the wall, a wooden desk that seemed to be solid, genuine wood, not just a wooden veneer. Books in bookcases along the walls. Old-fashioned lamps. All the usual technology was there too, but carefully disguised and hidden from sight. No cameras that River could see, though, which backed up what Marie had said. The meetings and conversations held here were private.

The study also appeared to be sound-proof, as they could hear nothing from outside. But of course, since they could hear the thoughts of Member Simmons and his bodyguards, sound was unnecessary. They waited in silence as he dismissed his guards for the night and made his way slowly upstairs.

He entered the study and locked the door, and it wasn't until he turned the lights on that he saw them. Surprise and anticipation blazed through his mind for a moment before the steady calm River remembered from their last meeting reasserted itself.

"Good evening, Member Simmons," Kuen said. "We apologise for disturbing you at home, but we urgently needed to speak to you in private."

"My door is always open to you both," Member Simmons said with a warm smile. "It's good to see you both again, it's been far too long. But... business before pleasure, as every Member of our Parliament must make his or her motto." Member Simmons sat down at his desk, setting down his data pads. "Please, take a seat. Why don't you tell me what's on your mind?"

"May I ask how closely you've been following our assignments recently?" Kuen asked.

"Very closely," Member Simmons said. "The work you've been doing is vital for our Parliament and the Alliance as a whole." He smiled at them. "You've been doing excellent work; I have the impression you make a good team."

The praise sent an echo of pleased satisfaction through Kuen, but it made little headway against his troubled thoughts, given the circumstances. "Our last assignment was to assassinate a woman on Ezra. Her name was Laura Morgan."

_Don't tell him we didn't_ , River thought to Kuen suddenly. _Tell him we killed her before we realised._

It was a testament to how disturbed Kuen was that he didn't argue. "The briefing notes we were given by our handlers stated that she was one of the scientists involved with the Academy project. After we'd eliminated her, however, we established that it wasn't true."

Member Simmons studied them both. His thoughts were quiet, showing no real reaction to what Kuen had said. "Are you certain?"

"Completely certain," Kuen said.

"Her daughter died at the Academy," River said quietly. "Laura Morgan had been asking questions; she'd never been involved with the project."

She was growing more uneasy by the moment, though she couldn't pinpoint why. There was nothing threatening or alarming in Member Simmons' mind: he seemed as calm as ever.

"I see," Member Simmons said slowly. "And so you're here because you're wondering who issued the assignment for you to eliminate Laura Morgan."

It was the calm, River realised abruptly. It was the very _lack_ of reaction in his mind, the way even the shock of their unexpected presence had vanished within a split-second. His thoughts were... overly innocuous.

Kuen turned his head to frown at her. _There's nothing suspicious in his thoughts._

_That's what makes me suspicious_ , River thought back.

"The answer's quite simple," Member Simmons said. "I did."

River's fingers dug into her palms as Kuen's shock and betrayal and confusion hit her. It was like a riptide tugging her under; she had to fight to keep them both afloat.

Member Simmons was smiling still, with a sharper edge of satisfaction that now seemed far more genuine than the polite expression he'd worn when he'd first seen them. His mind was still tranquil, still innocuous. "I'm glad to be able to have this conversation with you at last and make you aware of the realities of the situation. I think it's time. You've done quite well up to now, but you can do better."

"You used us to kill an innocent woman," River said, mostly to hear the words out loud, and to hear Member Simmons' mental reaction.

Still nothing but polite attention in his mind, and River had to accept at last that here was a man who did know how to lie with his mind, who believed his own lies so completely that to him they were the truth.

"She was a potential threat to public confidence in the Parliament. Besides, she's hardly the first person either of you have killed – or even the first innocent person." The barb – no matter how pleasant the tone of voice in which it was delivered – hit home for both of them. River couldn't help but reel under the memories for a moment, and felt the same pain in Kuen. There was something there, something he – but no, this wasn't the time, and River wrenched her attention back to Member Simmons.

He was still smiling. "The two of you are experts in killing people, in fact. The very best. Of course you're being assigned to eliminate potential threats. We invested a great deal of time and money in your training, after all."

"You were responsible for the Academy," River whispered.

"Oh, I can hardly claim sole credit," Member Simmons said dismissively. "Involved, at most."

Kuen's mind was in chaos, _denial-despair-fury-grief_. "But... you were the one who shut it down."

"It had achieved all it could," Member Simmons said. "Most of the students there were – unsuccessful. It was clear they would never reach the deployment stage. One of the two successful subjects had been lost. The other Members involved were planning to terminate the remaining students – they'd grown wary of the risks of using psychics, and of course they already have non-psychic operatives available to perform missions for them. But I recognised your potential, Kuen. I decided to take control of the program and move you to active deployment."

River was already calculating a dozen ways in which they could kill him, her mind analysing the options, holding them out for Kuen to examine, to give him something to hold on to. His mind was like a dark tide in hers, full of despair.

"It's a... historical curiosity that the Scrutiny Committee isn't permitted to assign missions to operatives," Simmons said. "Who is better placed than us to know what's needed, after all? An entirely outdated rule, but sadly one that's impossible to amend. The only way around it is to have operatives who aren't on the official register, who operate outside the system. And you proved to be a very effective operative, Kuen. I was delighted when you succeeded in bringing River back into the fold as well. The two of you have performed very well together. But now that you understand the realities of the situation, we'll be able to really get down to work."

Kuen's voice was barely audible, and all the more terrifying for that. "Less than twenty seconds from now, you'll be dead."

Member Simmons raised his eyebrows. "That would be most unfortunate for your fellow students."

Horror hit both Kuen and River at once.

"It was clear that they were unlikely to ever be of any productive use," Member Simmons went on calmly. "But it was short-sighted of my fellow Members to want to terminate them. They've been able to provide us with a great deal of data. Given us a better idea of what will and won't work for the next generation of operatives. When I took control of the Academy, I installed new staff, of course. The former regime had not been as successful as we'd hoped. The new staff have proved more competent. And the students have... other potential uses, even if they'll never become operatives."

_He kept them alive to blackmail us_ , River realised numbly.

Member Simmons sifted through the papers on his desk and finally produced a data pad, which he passed across to River. Photographs scrolled across the screen. She recognised the Academy building all too well. Shots of equipment and computers filled the screen, doctors and scientists, scared-looking children.

Kuen had leaned close to watch the photos with her. Now they met each other's eyes, unable to force their thoughts into words, horror and grief and rage and betrayal ricocheting between them.

"The staff have standing orders to terminate all the students if I'm not in regular contact," Member Simmons said. "I would suggest you bear that in mind. But I'm sure you're both mature enough to appreciate the realities of the situation. Nothing has to change. I'm happy to continue using parliamentary resources to track down the people originally involved with the Academy project for you. But it's time for you to begin dealing with other targets as well. Speaking of which, shall we turn to your next assignment?"

Kuen was still reeling, his mind almost entirely incoherent, and River wasn't much better off. They both remained silent.

Member Simmons smiled at them, exactly the same smile as before, almost paternal. "Very good. There are two targets I want eliminated, as close to simultaneously as possible. They've been causing certain... problems, recently. They will be challenging targets, but I have faith in the skill you've shown. I understand you'll require some time to prepare, but I can't allow you much. Both targets need to be eliminated within the next forty-eight hours." His gaze flicked between the two of them. "If it helps, I think these targets may be to your liking. They are both Members of Parliament – and, as you know, they were both closely involved with the Academy initiative. Members Poole and Grieves."

He took the data pad with the Academy pictures back from River. "I won't keep you any longer. I realise you have a lot of planning to do. Please feel free to leave via more... conventional methods than you used to enter; my bodyguards won't trouble you."

Even now, his thoughts were warm and friendly, and it only redoubled River's urge to slit his throat. The same murderous rage was radiating from Kuen.

It made it very hard to stand and walk away, but they were no strangers to doing what was hard.

* * *

They made it back to Marie and Kuen's apartment by sheer force of will. Neither of them bothered with lights or anything else. Kuen collapsed to his knees just inside the living room and River allowed herself to drop down with him.

She reached out blindly with both hands, and Kuen took them, gripping tight enough to be painful. But River needed that anchor and knew Kuen did too. Their thoughts and emotions were raging like a storm all around them.

_You didn't know_ , River sent eventually, when she had enough control back to force her thoughts into words and not wordless emotion. _There was no way you could have known._

Kuen's mind sent back a whirlwind of betrayal, anger, guilt, self-recrimination. _I should have known_ , he managed to think eventually. _I should have suspected, I should have found out – it's my fault –_

_It could just as easily have been me_ , River told him, reinforcing the thought with her absolute conviction that it was the truth. It was what had frightened her most when Kuen had first come after her: the awareness that if things had been just slightly different – if it hadn't been for Simon – she could have become Kuen.

Kuen read that from her mind easily. _And in the end you did anyway. I dragged you back in. I left the others, I let Simmons have them –_

_They manipulated you_ , River reminded him. _They're very good at manipulating us. They were very careful to make sure you did what they wanted._

_When I first got away – I worked as a courier, I was glad to help after they closed the Academy down, but I thought I'd never kill anyone again, never do what they'd made us do_ , Kuen thought. River could sense that the claws of manipulation were becoming visible to him now as he began to see how carefully he'd been steered. _Then – I was at a meeting and I lost control. I attacked everyone, killed people, I only stopped because Simmons knew the safeword to knock me out –_

_He triggered you_ , River thought, gripping his hands more tightly; she could sense the despair and self-hatred he'd felt. _Or arranged for you to be triggered. It wasn't your fault._

_I didn't realise at the time_ , Kuen thought. _I thought – I thought I was unstable. That they'd managed to turn me into a killer, that sooner or later I'd always snap. That there was no way out. When Simmons offered me a 'productive outlet' for it, I accepted. I thought he was trying to help me. I thought at least I could use it for good ends._

River had to breathe slowly through her wave of fury and grief and protectiveness. Such a neatly rigged trap. And there had been no one to track the signal, no one to tell Kuen he'd been triggered. No one to tell him he had any other option.

Other things were falling into place now too. _Enlai_ , she thought, not quite able to suppress the pain she still felt, even now. _You killed him right after that, didn't you._

Pain, shame, regret. _A few weeks later_ , Kuen admitted. _He was – and you were so... And everything in my head – I was a killer, I knew I was a killer, there was no escape, it was all so hopeless, and – I'm sorry, River._

_I know_ , River thought, the only truthful comfort she could offer. She couldn't say it was okay: Enlai was dead, and he'd been an amazing person who hadn't deserved to die. But Kuen had been hurt and manipulated and twisted to the point where he'd done it, and the blame lay as much if not more with Simmons and everyone else who'd been involved in tormenting them. _I understand_ , she added, and that was the truth too.

She'd cared about Enlai, and she grieved for his death. But Kuen was a part of her, and he was still alive. He had to be her priority now.

River thought, at last, _We have to figure out how to kill Simmons and get the others out._

Kuen was staring at the floor, unseeing. _No. First we have to figure out how to kill Poole and Grieves._

_And give him what he wants?_

That made Kuen look up at last, his eyes very dark. _You know I don't like it either. But there's no way we can even reach Lux within two days, let alone break the others out. And if we kill him before they're free – you know the people running that place won't hesitate. You know we're just test subjects to them._

River swallowed down her grief. _I know_ , she admitted. _But..._

Kuen sent a wordless wave of understanding and anger and unhappiness.

_If we do this, he's won_ , River thought, struggling to put her feelings into words. _I feel like we really will be his assassins then. Up until now – they were our targets, really. Now they're his, for his reasons. I hate it._

_So do I_ , Kuen agreed. _I feel that way too. But – well, he was telling the truth. Poole and Grieves were involved with the Academy. We both know that._

_That's not why he wants them dead._

_No_ , Kuen thought, _but it will sure as hell help me live with killing them. We've no choice, River._

_That's what we always think_ , River said dully.

Kuen squeezed her hands. _Come on. Help me figure out how the hell we're going to pull this off. And then we'll figure out how to take out Simmons._

By the time the sun rose, they'd gone over everything they knew about the security measures at the Parliament building – which was no doubt only a fraction of the measures that were actually in place – and ruled out attacking the Members there. It was simply too secure.

_We'll need to figure out where their homes are_ , River concluded finally, pushing her hair back out of her face. _Or catch them in transit. We need their schedules. Do you think Marie could help us with that?_

A wave of conflicting emotions from Kuen made her look up. He was studying a map of the city, but he thought clearly, _I'd rather not ask her. Not when I'm not sure if I can trust her._

Belatedly, River realised the full implications of the efforts to manipulate Kuen. Marie had been the one to take him away from the Academy, Marie had been the one to assure him that the others would be helped, Marie had encouraged him to stay with her and kept an eye on him.

River had never sensed anything untoward in Marie's mind, but Simmons had been a lesson that people's minds couldn't always be trusted. If someone believed enough in what they were doing...

_I don't believe she knew_ , Kuen said. _I can't believe that. But – she admires Simmons. She thinks he's a great man. I don't know how she'd react if we told her. I don't even know if she'd believe us._

_She loves you_ , River thought softly. _I think she'd believe you._

Kuen's expression was still drawn. _She doesn't know that I kill people. I couldn't tell her. The other things, the spying, yes, but I couldn't tell her about the assassinations. If she finds out – if she sees who I really am... I'm not sure I'm ready to find out how she'll react._

It was at that moment that they felt the shift in Marie's mind as she woke. River and Kuen shared a glance and then gathered together their work in silent accord.

They were gone before Marie emerged from her room.

* * *

Mal was in a building that seemed familiar, though he couldn't place where it was or when he'd been there before. The corridors were narrow and empty; he followed them instinctively, deeper and deeper into the building, until he had to be at least several floors underground.

He reached the deepest level before he turned a corner and found himself face to face with River.

She was dressed in ugly grey-blue leggings and a top that looked more like a hospital gown than anything else, a faint trace of blood smeared on her forehead, but she smiled as she saw him and was in his arms a moment later, holding on tightly.

Mal kissed her hair and held her close.

"I'm glad to see you," River murmured. "I didn't dare hope you'd be close enough tonight."

"Just so happened to be in the area," Mal said casually. "How are you, darlin'?"

"I've been better," River admitted. She was pale when she finally pulled back, but her eyes were bright and she was still smiling. "How are you, how is everyone?"

"Everyone's fine," Mal reassured her. "Got your friend to safety. Well, if you can call that hun dan safety. A little warning next time, River."

She had the grace to look slightly sheepish. "Sorry. I was – not at my best. And no, he's not safe, not any more than you or I are. But he'll protect her."

Mal shrugged and reached up to brush the trickle of blood from her forehead. It was unsettling, even in a dream. "I'll take your word for it. But a word of warning wouldn't go amiss, that's all I'm sayin'."

River's smile was faint and not quite sure. "I promise I won't do it again."

Mal frowned but River leaned in unexpectedly and pressed her lips to his, and Mal was helpless to do anything but kiss her back, pulling her closer until her body was flush against his, his hands slipping into her hair.

When he finally drew back for air and opened his eyes, everything had changed. He was back in his bunk on Serenity, dimly lit like it had been when he'd gone to sleep. The bed was rumpled, like he'd tossed and turned for a while before getting up.

River was changed too. The blood was gone from her forehead and she was dressed differently, in something black and form-fitting that Mal couldn't help but eye appreciatively.

But none of that meant anything, because – she was there. She was back on Serenity with him. She was _home_.

River smiled at him like she'd heard the thought, her eyes luminous with unshed tears. "Mal," she murmured, and pressed his chest until he sank down to sit on the edge of the bed. He was glad a moment later when she moved to sit on top of him, her arms wrapping around his neck, her legs balancing precariously against the bed. Mal's arms shifted by instinct to her waist to help her balance, but his focus was still on her face, her beautiful dark eyes on his.

"Mal," she whispered again, and then they were kissing.

It felt like he'd spent a long, long time wanting to hold her close and kiss her without being able to, though it was impossible to remember why right now. Mal lost himself in their kisses, in the fierce joy of having her so close at last.

Her hair was soft where it trailed against his cheek, and his hands slid slowly, so slowly, along the curve of her hip and dip of her waist, up the slender line of her back. River arched into it, her breasts pressing against his chest, a shift of her pressure against his groin, and god, that was good, that was more than good, that was –

River let her head tilt back, breaking the kiss to breathe his name, and Mal took the opportunity to nip at her jaw and trace the delicate line of her throat. He pressed his lips to where her pulse was beating, feeling savage satisfaction at the flutter of it against his mouth. River. _River_.

"Mal," she murmured, her hands trailing down his naked chest, making him shudder. He let one of his own hands trace a path down from the hollow of her throat to the space between her breasts, then ran his thumb along a delicate spiral around one areola until he was rubbing one light nipple.

River inhaled sharply, and Mal dragged his eyes from his hand on her breast to her face, mouth open, eyes fallen half-shut in pleasure, the faint flush across her cheeks. God, but she was beautiful.

"River," he murmured, and the hunger in his voice made her eyes slide open again to look at him, her eyes darker than ever.

She leaned down for another kiss, and Mal pressed his free hand against her back, guiding her into rocking down against him, and god, god –

Something that had been nagging at the edge of his awareness for several minutes finally came into focus. He hadn't been naked when he'd gone to bed, and he hadn't had the chance to peel whatever River had been wearing off of her. He'd have remembered; he'd been looking forward to it. And yet they were naked now, River's skin warm and distracting against his, and –

And this was a dream.

He broke the kiss and pulled back far enough to see River's face. "River –"

She opened her eyes slowly, a gradual sweep of lashes. "Please," she said softly, and trailed her fingers along his cheeks, down to his jaw, across to his lips.

It was distracting as all hell, but Mal was aware now, and all of the reasons why they shouldn't do this were creeping in. River was young, he'd barely even kissed her in reality, they hadn't had a chance to figure out yet if things could work between them, this wasn't what he'd wanted for their first time together...

River brought their faces together again – not kissing, not yet, just pressed close, her eyelashes brushing against his skin. "I'm not as young as you think," she whispered. "Or as impressionable as Inara thinks. And this is a dream, it wouldn't be –"

Mal caught her shoulders before she could finish that sentence, pushing her back so she could see his face, see exactly how serious he was. "This might be happening inside our heads, darlin', but that don't make it any less real. Dong ma?"

River stared at him, then nodded, lowering her eyes. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Mal pushed an errant sweep of her hair behind one ear. "Reassuring to know that even my favourite genius can get somethin' wrong once in a while."

River's mouth twisted unhappily. "Get lots of things wrong," she said, then shook her head, meeting his eyes again. "Not this, though. Mal, please. You're right, it's real. All the more reason to want it. Want you. Want _us_."

Mal swallowed hard, because River's eyes were dark and honest and determined. And afraid, just a little – though not of him, he thought. "Tell me what's wrong, River."

She didn't flinch, didn't look away. "When I wake up, I have to kill one of the best guarded people in the 'verse. Odds of success are reasonable. Odds of survival are much lower."

Mal tightened his grip on her. "Then don't –"

River shook her head rapidly, almost frantic. "No, no. No choice. No time for arguing. Mal – I don't want to risk not having this. I don't want to die regretting it –"

Mal silenced her with a kiss.

It was nothing like the slow kisses he'd lost himself in before. It was frantic, furious, Mal raging at the thought of her in danger, at even the thought of a 'verse without her in it. It was unacceptable. And Mal wouldn't accept it. Whatever it took –

River dragged herself back from him, breathing hard. "No, no," she was whispering, shaking her head again. Her fingers trailed over his face. "Don't think about it, don't make me think about it. Be here, be with me. Make me be here too. Keep me here..."

Mal drew in a sharp breath and then tumbled them onto the bed properly.

He hadn't imagined River in his bed before, hadn't gotten so far as picturing her tangled in his sheets. But he'd never be able to forget the sight now: her long dark hair spilling around her, the pale skin of her body as she stretched out, the darkness of her eyes as she looked up at him.

God, but he loved her.

Her mouth quirked up, a real smile this time. "I know," she murmured, "but I like to hear you say it."

Mal bent and kissed her, the fury of before gone now, but no less resolute, no less passionate, no less determined. "I love you," he murmured against her lips. "And I'm not gonna let you go."

River's smile lit her up, and she tugged him down on top of her with surprising strength. "I love you, Mal. Now love me. Please."

It would have taken a stronger man than Malcolm Reynolds to resist a plea like that.

He kissed her again until they were both breathless, her hands restless on his back, mapping his shoulder blades and the flex of his muscles. Finally he pulled back and blazed a trail down her neck, between her breasts, exploring now with his mouth where he'd touched her before. River sighed for him, quiet but real, and Mal brushed his lips against one of her nipples, teasing it with his tongue before closing his mouth over it and sucking.

"Mal," River murmured, her hands in his hair, and her mind was opening to him, a wave of aching pleasure and want that made Mal groan against her.

It was an effort to pull back, move back far enough to trail his hands down her legs – her thighs, god, and her calves, and finally her feet. Dancer's feet, he'd thought often enough, admiring them as she wandered the ship barefoot. They were elegant and strong, and her toes curled as he caressed them, her foot flexing as he pressed his lips to the arch and the curve of her ankle.

" _Oh_ ," River moaned. "Mal..."

Mal smiled against her skin. "I like to hear you say it too, darlin'."

"It feels good," River sighed out. "It feels – like flying. Keeps her in the air..."

Mal kissed his way slowly back up her legs, taking the time to properly appreciate them this time, tracing the curve of one knee with his tongue. "Rather keep you here." _In my bed_ , he thought, because the sight of her like this...

A whole 'verse of beautiful and terrible things, but he'd never seen a sight like her before.

River surged up, kissing him fervently before moving on to mouth at his neck, sucking hard enough to leave a mark, then blazing her way down and across his chest, down to his stomach, leaving him gasping, his muscles jumping beneath her lips.

"River," he groaned when her hand touched his cock, curious and exploratory and damnably arousing.

She pulled back from where she'd been kissing his chest to look at him, taking in everything. Her hair was mussed, her skin was flushed, but most of all she was smiling, her eyes glinting with satisfaction and pleasure and excitement. God, but she was beautiful.

She wrapped her free arm around his neck and dragged him back down with her to the bed. Her other hand was still exploring his cock, her eyes taking in every nuance of his reaction. River had always been a gorram quick learner, and she was figuring out what he liked damn fast.

Mal stroked her thighs and then slid his hand higher. River inhaled deeply as he explored her in turn; she was slick and hot and he wanted desperately to know how she tasted.

River moaned beautifully in his ear, her hand tightening on his cock. "No. Need you now, need you inside me, need to have you..."

He would have argued – he _really_ wanted to taste her – but she was shifting, guiding him to her, and there was a steady beat of _want want need_ coming from her mind. Mal couldn't deny her, couldn't deny either of them.

He held her gaze, steady and sure, and pushed slowly inside of her.

"Mal," River murmured, her voice dazed. "You're inside me."

_And you're inside me_ , Mal thought to her, and did his best to push how it felt to her – how hot and tight she was around him, how good it felt, how he never wanted it to end.

Some of it must have reached her because she gasped and her muscles tightened around him, forcing a groan from him.

Things spiralled quickly out of control after that. Mal rocked into her, sweat slicking his skin, and River moved with him, gasping and arching, lost entirely in their pleasure now. Mal reached down to find her clit, working it in steady circles, and River's eyes flew open, shocked with pleasure for the last few moments before she cried out and her body tightened around him.

The echo of pleasure transmitted by her mind was all it took, that and the sight of her arched so beautifully beneath him, and Mal thrust helplessly a last few times before coming inside her.

He collapsed on top of her and her arms were fierce around him, holding him close. "Mal," she was murmuring, "Mal, Mal, Mal –"

Mal silenced her mouth with a kiss, though her mind was still radiating pleasure and a possessive happiness that he was enjoying very much. It was a long moment before he pulled back, and when he did he had to blink.

Their surroundings had changed again, sometime while he was distracted. He was lying pressed against River on the floor of a small room with grey-blue walls. A small bed was only a foot away, but its mattress had been ripped open and dismembered. There were cameras in each corner at ceiling level.

They were dressed again, Mal realised; he was wearing what he'd had on yesterday, and River was back in that black outfit he'd been admiring before.

"Well," he observed, "normally the afterglow lasts a bit longer for me, I'll admit."

River smiled, but he could see the lines of strain in her forehead now. "Your fault. Made me lose my concentration."

"Yeah?" Mal said. He could feel the grin spreading across his face, because he liked that idea a whole hell of a lot.

River traced his grin with her fingers, her expression wondering. "Thank you," she murmured.

"Believe me when I say it was my pleasure, darlin'," Mal assured her with feeling. He frowned around at their surroundings again. "So where is this place that's so on your mind? It's the same place we were before, ain't it?"

"This is the Academy," River said quietly. "This was my room. My cell."

Mal looked around again, taking it all in. The thought of her being caged like a prisoner burned, but he forced it aside. "You dream about it often?"

"Not as often as I used to," River said. "But tonight... You were right, it's on my mind."

Mal sat up, despite River's slight resistance, and guided her to sit on his lap instead, where he could wrap his arms around her and hold her close. "Tell me," he said when they were settled.

River bowed her head. "We were deceived," she admitted. "Kuen was told the Academy was being shut down, and the people who told him believed it was the truth, so he did too. Now we know it was a lie. Member Simmons is using the other students to blackmail us. He wants us to kill two Members of Parliament tonight. If we don't, he'll have the others hurt or killed."

"Aiya," Mal muttered, tugging her closer. "River..."

"We've figured out a strategy," River said dully. "We'll probably succeed. But Members of Parliament are well guarded. We'll get in, but I'm not sure we'll get out."

"Don't you dare talk like that," Mal ordered her, hearing his voice go low and dangerous. "Don't you _dare_ give up, River."

River rested her forehead against his. "Not giving up," she whispered. "Just... not hopeful." She sighed. "I wonder who they're keeping in my old room now."

Mal frowned. "They must have moved the Academy. There won't be anyone in here."

River shook her head. "They got rid of a lot of the staff, because of what happened with me. And to fool Kuen. But Simmons showed me pictures. They never even moved the others out. They're still trapped here, even now. Still being studied and dissected and –"

Mal cut her off with a finger to her lips. "River, the Academy building is empty. I don't know where the others are, but they ain't here."

River stared at him, two lines of confusion between her eyes, before they widened. "You came here."

"Months ago," Mal confirmed. "Back when you were first gone. We figured maybe he'd taken you back here, so we went to Lux. Your brother knew where the building was, but it was abandoned."

Which was why these dream surroundings had seemed so familiar to him, although he hadn't placed them until River had told him where they were. He and his crew had walked through these corridors, though they hadn't been in this cell, hadn't known which one had been River's. The place had had the same eerie emptiness as a Reaver-hit ship, like they might run across corpses at any moment. But they'd searched. They'd gone right through the place, looking for any data, any information, any sign. There had been nothing, nothing but empty rooms and abandoned surgical tools and panels of monitors with computers beneath them that had been melted and destroyed by chemicals, impossible to access in any way.

River was clearly seeing it all in his mind, because she pulled back to stare at him, eyes wide. "Gone..." she whispered. "But they'd have taken the computers and the equipment if they'd moved. The data... And the photographs were of this building, I recognised it –"

"Can only tell you what I saw, darlin'," Mal said quietly. "Place was abandoned. Wherever they are, it ain't there."

"If they're anywhere at all," River whispered. Her eyes were filling with tears, but she smiled at him and leaned in for a kiss, almost bruising in its passion. "Thank you, Mal," she said when she finally pulled back. "Thank you."

There was something oddly final in her tone and Mal tightened his arms around her in alarm. "River –"

River smiled at him despite the tears trailing down her cheeks, even as the room around them turned dim and uncertain. "I love you," she said softly. "But it's time to wake up. I have a Member of Parliament to kill."

She crushed their lips together again and Mal only had time to think _River_ –

– before his eyes opened.

He was in his bunk, the sheets damp and tangled around him. His heart was thudding with something damn close to panic.

River could pull off killing a Member of Parliament, he had no doubts on that score. But she hadn't been exaggerating about how well-guarded parliamentarians were. She would assassinate them, and then the entire Alliance would come crashing down on her. She'd never make it out of the city, let alone off-world.

Mal hit the intercom. "Wake up, the lot of you. Get up, get dressed, we're meeting in the kitchen in fifteen minutes." He paused, and added, "We're going to get River."

* * *

River opened her eyes, taking in the sight of the guest room in Marie's apartment in a split second, and reaching out with her mind. _Kuen!_

He was in his own room, not sleeping, but his mind distant – an attempt to avoid overhearing her dream with Mal, no doubt. He heard her at once, though. _River?_

River pushed her shock and suspicions at him, and a moment later Kuen let himself into her room, staring at her. _You think – you seriously think –_

_Think about it_ , River urged him. _You know what he thought of the others. Weak, unproductive, hopeless cases. Their only use was as blackmail, in his eyes. But there was no need for him to keep them alive and under control all this time to use them as blackmail. He just needed to make us think he had._

_You're reaching_ , Kuen thought sharply. _The photos, the reports..._

_We already know reports can be falsified_ , River reminded him. She was certain now that the updates they'd received about the others' conditions had been fabricated. _As for the photos..._

She was scrolling through them again in her mind. Her eidetic memory had seemed like a curse during and after their time at the Academy, but it was useful now, allowing them to re-examine the images they'd been shown. Kuen zeroed in on the details of the surroundings, satisfying them both that they really had been taken at the Academy building.

_Your captain could be wrong_ , Kuen told her. _We can't risk their lives based on his word. If he got the wrong building, if they evacuated temporarily in order to fool him_...

_I would risk anything on Mal's word_ , River thought simply. _And I saw the memory in his mind. He was in the right building. It didn't look like a temporary evacuation either._ She was still going over the photographs in her mind, focusing on the children in the images now, not the surroundings. She frowned as a memory tugged at her. Laura Morgan holding up a photograph of her daughter, and River's realisation that she could have passed the girl on the street without recognising her.

_Kuen_ , she thought slowly, _how many of the others do you recognise in the photos?_

Kuen looked at her, really looked at her. _I'm not sure_ , he admitted finally. _What are you getting at?_

_I don't recognise them_ , River thought. _I wouldn't recognise them. These photos could be of anyone. I would know their minds anywhere, but I've no idea what most of them looked like –_

She broke off because a detail had finally snagged in her mind. The photograph had focused on a boy in the chair in the foreground, a scientist examining the needle inserted into his forehead. It could have been Matt, though River wasn't certain. There had been a girl in the background of the photograph, though, being led out of the room. It was only now that River realised why she, at least, had seemed familiar. It was because she'd seen that girl's photograph recently.

The girl in the photograph was Laurie Morgan.

Laurie, who'd grabbed a guard's gun and killed herself, months before River's escape.

Kuen seized on her memories, Laura's photograph of her daughter and the recollection he and River shared of Simmons' photograph, examining them and tearing them apart, trying to find a discrepancy. River let him, but she knew, now.

The photographs were genuine, but they were old. The Academy had been shut down years ago, when Kuen had been removed. And the others, her fellow students... they had to have been killed.

River bowed her head, only dimly aware of the tears streaming down her face.

A few moments later, Kuen abandoned his analysis of their memories and slid down to sit beside her on the floor, a warm presence against her side and in her mind. River reached out and took his hand, and they clung to each other as they tried to regain their stability.

It was a long while later before Kuen thought, _We still can't be certain, not completely._

_Not unless we confront Simmons_ , River agreed. _But if it's true... there's nothing to stop us any more._

_And if we're wrong, we'll be condemning them to death_ , Kuen pointed out grimly.

_We're not wrong_ , River thought back bleakly. _I wish we were, Kuen. But I know we're not._

Kuen nodded reluctantly. _I know._ He squeezed her hand, then got to his feet. _But let's go and force the truth from him._

River rubbed her hands across her face, wiping away her tears, then stood up. She strapped her knife to her side and her gun to her other hip.

The gun Mal had given her. She hadn't used it since leaving Serenity; it hadn't seemed right, somehow. Tonight, though, she would carry it with her.

The sound of the front door opening gave her pause. It was Marie returning home from work, her mind still turning over the report she'd been analysing that evening, her thoughts as sharp and bright as ever, though tinged with exhaustion.

"I hope you two have dinner ready!" she called out. "I'm starving and I still have masses of work to get through tonight..."

River slipped out of her room just as Kuen emerged from his, his face grim.

"No dinner, I see," Marie said from the kitchen, with an edge of irritation. "I guess we'll have to –" She paused as she turned and saw them, her eyes widening as she took in how they were dressed, her irritation forgotten. "Oh. You're working tonight? ...Here on Londinium?"

_Spying_ , she was thinking, her mind racing, _but spying here? Who would the Parliament have to spy on here?_

Kuen's mind was as wary as it had been since they'd learned of Simmons' deception, but he offered her a faint smile. "Yes. We'll be out late. Don't wait up, all right?"

"I'll be up late anyway," Marie said, frowning with concern. "I have to go over and brief Member Simmons in an hour or two, once I've finished analysing this report, there's a hearing first thing – anyway, never mind all that. I'll be up late, so maybe I'll see you later after all."

River's alarm was mirrored in Kuen's mind. "A briefing, that late?" Kuen asked weakly.

Marie grinned at him. "No rest for the wicked, you know that," she said cheerfully. "Members and their staffers don't get to sleep. There's a law and everything."

Kuen didn't manage to muster a smile. _We need to warn her_ , he thought to River. _We can't risk it._

River knew there were risks either way, but she liked Marie, even if she didn't completely trust her. And regardless of whether she was trustworthy or not, they couldn't risk having her turn up at Simmons' house tonight. _Go ahead_.

Kuen had already taken a step forward to catch hold of Marie's hands. "Marie. I need you to listen to me. You've always listened to me when I had something important to tell you. I need you to listen now."

Marie's face had turned wary and pale. "What's wrong?" Her gaze darted to River for a moment before returning to Kuen.

"I need you –" Kuen hesitated. "I need you to take the evening off. Forget your report, forget your briefing... just have dinner and an early night. Will you do that for me? Please?"

A frown was growing on her face. "I'd love to, but you know I can't. You know how important my job is to me, Kuen. And it's an important hearing tomorrow –"

"Member Simmons is blackmailing us," Kuen said. His voice was quiet but it cut Marie off as effectively as any yell could have done. "He wants us to assassinate Members Poole and Grieves tonight. We're going to confront him. So I need you to stay away from him tonight, Marie. Please. _Please_."

Marie looked completely shell-shocked. "What are you – Kuen, you're not making any sense." Another wary glance at River; they both could see the unvoiced question of whether River had been filling his head with this nonsense. "What are you talking about? _Assassinate_? Member Simmons would never –"

_No time no time_ , River and Kuen thought, neither sure who'd thought it first. It didn't matter.

Marie's mind was in chaos, unable to believe Kuen but unable to believe he was lying, either. It would take her time to figure out what to believe, what to do. Time they didn't have.

"Marie, please," Kuen said, squeezing her hands. " _Please_ – if you love me." He swallowed. Marie's eyes had widened. "If there's one promise I've ever needed from you, it's that you won't go to Simmons' house tonight. Stay here and send him a written briefing instead. Please."

Marie was stunned, her mind reeling. She stared at Kuen and slowly nodded. "All right. I promise. But when you get back, we're going to talk properly."

"Thank you," Kuen said, quiet but with fervent relief, and led the way to the door.

* * *

Simmons' home was more difficult to break into this time, and it had been hard enough the first time. Evidently he'd taken some precautions after that. Even so, there was little the two of them couldn't achieve when they put their minds to it.

There was no time to pause before breaking into the study. They could sense Simmons' mind inside, could sense the instant when a note of wariness crept into his thoughts. Any moment now, he'd realise they were close. Better to surprise him.

They were through the door in under a second, guns trained on Simmons before he'd finished turning.

"Please move away from your desk, slowly," Kuen instructed him, his polite tone containing nothing of the rage River felt in his mind.

Even now, Member Simmons' mind was calm and controlled, betraying nothing more than disappointment. He did as Kuen had said, moving slowly to the middle of the room. "I have to say, I thought you cared more about your fellow students than to do something like this."

River patted him down, but Simmons seemed to be unarmed. Meanwhile she and Kuen were in his mind, looking for a way in beyond the surface thoughts that told them nothing of use. They still hadn't found a crack.

River finished checking for weapons and gladly took a step back. "They're dead," she said flatly.

Only the faintest of ripples in his mind, not enough to be certain of the truth either way. Simmons raised his eyebrows in polite enquiry. "You must be very sure of your information, considering the forty-eight hours I gave you will be expiring soon."

River was sure, but she wasn't certain, she didn't _know_ , and she had been counting on his thoughts giving him away when they confronted him.

"We're sure," Kuen said, no trace of emotion in his voice. "But we decided it doesn't really matter either way."

They hadn't, but River readied herself so she could strike at the faintest crack in Simmons' thoughts if one appeared.

"I would rather die than be trapped in that Academy," Kuen said. His eyes were dark, his jaw set, and even his mind was screaming that it was the truth. "If we're wrong and they are still alive – better for them that it should end. So it doesn't matter."

There. Simmons hadn't anticipated that, and the shock opened up a crack in his thoughts. _Better off dead – he means it – eliminates the potential for coercion –_

It was only a split-second, but River had been ready and she leapt on the inadvertent thought, tracing it back, following it deeper into Simmons' mind.

It was unsurprising, but all the more horrifying for that, how starkly the deeper reaches of his mind differed from his surface thoughts. The innocuous pleasantness on the surface hid much darker depths – almost like machinery, as he analysed the world around him, crunching data and calculating probabilities.

At that deeper level, she could see the truth. Cara, Will, Matt and all the other children at the Academy had been murdered a scant hour after Kuen had left Lux, poison injected into their veins. Those in charge had been left to analyse their data and draw up proposals for a new program until the Operative had come and shut it down completely.

She saw it all in the split-second of Simmons' shock, and then it was over and she was back in the surface calm of his mind.

Kuen had seen it all second-hand in her thoughts. _I'd still hoped it wasn't true_ , he admitted to her, his grief matching her own.

_Me too_ , River thought.

"Well, if you truly feel that way –" Simmons began.

"We know the truth now," River interrupted. Her own voice had turned as flat and deadly as Kuen's. "You gave the order for them to be killed yourself. We saw it in your mind."

_That_ got a reaction, far stronger than his shock moments earlier. An instant of panic at the thought of them in his mind, at what they could do to him – access all his secrets, control him, destroy him – it all flashed through his thoughts and, with it, his thoughts of what he could do to prevent it.

All the Academy's data on them had been sent to him. River should have known when she'd realised how Kuen had been manipulated. But it was only now that she understood the implications. Simmons knew all their triggers.

River was closer: she lunged forward and slapped one hand across his mouth to keep him from speaking, pressing her knife to his throat with her other hand.

"Don't even _think_ about –" Kuen started to say, then cut himself off.

The realisation hit all three of them at the same moment, horrifying in its simplicity: there was no need to speak aloud for a psychic to hear.

Simmons' mouth curved into a smile beneath her hand, and he thought a string of words, clear and loud, words River couldn't have repeated but which echoed in her mind regardless.

The world slowed down and snapped into a new focus.

Her target was approximately five and a half metres away, armed with a gun and a knife. Her own knife was already in her hand and she threw it instantly. Her aim would have been deadly, but the target moved unnaturally fast, dropping down to the floor and then coming up and at her –

_– metres, one gun_ , the target was thinking, _analysing what I'm thinking –_

_– The target can hear me_ , they both realised at the same moment.

It was jarring, and she continued processing that information even as she parried the target's attack, taking one blow to the shoulder for the opening it gave her to sweep her target's legs out from under him. But the target reacted even as he went down, drawing his gun and firing –

_One_ , she counted as she threw herself back, then _two_ and _three_ as the target fired again, correcting for her new position as she kept moving. Cover – a desk – but the target knew better than to waste ammunition and she needed to eliminate him, so taking cover was pointless. She hurled the chair behind the desk in his direction instead and lunged forward when it struck him, a crucial second of distraction.

It bought her one good blow that sent the target's gun skittering away across the floor, but the target hit back instantly and they rolled together, each trying to pin or incapacitate the other.

The door opened, but she and the target both ignored it – it was the other man leaving, and that was irrelevant except insofar as there was one less obstacle in the room now.

She got her hands up and wrapped them around the target's throat, closing off his windpipe. She began counting off the seconds, hearing his own thoughts echo the countdown, just as coolly, _One, two, three –_

Before they could reach four, the target had somehow managed to grab the gun that had been strapped to her hip and she was forced to release her grip on his throat to struggle for it, holding him back from firing at point-blank range.

The gun went off, the bullet grazing her shoulder, a meaningless flare of pain that she noted absently while concentrating on counting bullets and fighting for control of the gun. The second bullet went wild but didn't hit either of them. _One. Two._

She surrendered control of the gun for the split-second opening it gave her to snatch the target's knife and stab him with it, though at the last instant he twisted and it plunged into his shoulder instead of his heart. It sent his next shot off-target, lodging harmlessly in the wall behind her. _Three_ , she counted as she rolled away and smoothly to her feet, pivoting to face the target again.

He was holding her gun, and for a fraction of a second she froze because that was wrong, it was _hers_ , it was important, somehow.

_It's just a symbol. Doesn't mean what you think._

The target seized on her moment of uncertainty and fired again. _Four_. She moved fast enough to avoid the bullet, even though he'd compensated for the knife still embedded in his shoulder this time.

She wanted that gun out of his hands and back in hers, even if it had fewer bullets left now than the gun she'd kicked away before. It was _wrong_ for him to have it.

_Take a deep breath, River. Ain't no rush..._

_River_.

_River?_ said a voice in her mind, startled and familiar. _River!_

A moment of stillness when nothing made sense, and then River snapped back to herself. The burning pain of her shoulder where the bullet had grazed her. Mal, alarmed and somehow in her mind for an instant before the contact was broken. Kuen – _Not a target_ – still holding her gun, about to take the next shot.

_Kuen!_ River thought as loudly as she could, reaching out and into his mind, trying to push past the conditioning Simmons had triggered. _Kuen, it's me, it's River, come back to me –_

Another shot, and this time she was too shocked and distracted to react quite fast enough, and it burned a trail of fire across her cheek.

She had to get through to Kuen, had to find a way to break through his conditioning. Oh, she could keep fighting him and perhaps she'd even win, but their real target was getting further away with every second.

She could try to reach out to Mal again – the associations of the gun he'd given her, the memory of his words to her, somehow she must have reached out subconsciously; tian a, he must be close, closer than she'd realised. She could reach out, because Mal would know the word to make Kuen sleep. Make them both sleep. But it would surely be a death sentence for them both, leaving them vulnerable to Simmons' bodyguards and allowing Simmons to escape.

River darted forward instead, catching Kuen off-guard, and roared his name into his mind again. The distraction was enough to let her knock the gun away and kick him solidly in the head. Kuen's mind went quiet and his body collapsed to the ground.

River checked him, her heart pounding, but he didn't appear too badly hurt apart from the knife in his shoulder, and she didn't dare remove that yet, not until she had time for first aid. He would probably only be unconscious for a few minutes at most, and she would have to wait to see whether he would wake up as Kuen or as Simmons' weapon.

She left him lying on the floor, crossed the room to pick up both guns and her knife, and headed straight for the door.

The two bodyguards were waiting immediately outside – they'd had orders to wait until she or Kuen had managed to kill the other and then to take out whoever was still alive – but a simple twist inside their minds had them turning and walking briskly down the stairs, heading out of the house, out of the way of whatever would happen next.

River focused and then took the stairs at a run. Her confrontation with Kuen had happened very quickly and Simmons hadn't considered himself in any real danger after he'd managed to trigger them. He hadn't run, not immediately, the way he should have. She could feel his mind downstairs, his thoughts filled with a certain satisfaction at dealing with them both so neatly but also a genuine regret at what he regarded as a waste. So much time and effort invested in them, all for nothing...

River didn't hesitate, didn't waste time trying to be quiet: there was nothing to be gained by stealth now. She burst into the room and saw him, turning in shock, his mouth opening, and she threw her knife with every fraction of her strength.

Her aim was true. It caught him in the upper arm and kept going, lodging in the wall behind him and pinning him to it. Simmons cried out, a howl of agony, his thoughts dissolving into red pain.

River studied him dispassionately. The angle was awkward enough that he'd find it very difficult to pull himself free. At the same time, the wound wouldn't be fatal. Not that an observer would be able to tell by the way he was moaning. Perhaps Simmons had never felt real pain before. If so, it was an omission she was glad to rectify.

He was thinking the words he'd used before to trigger her against Kuen, as loudly and frantically as he could. River could feel the way they tried to tug at her mind, but she was in control now. She'd broken through that conditioning; she knew the shape and feel of that trigger and it couldn't touch her any more.

_Rewire. Build in a failsafe._

The realisation was clearly also dawning on Simmons. He was trying the words out loud now, choking them out, and his mind... Oh, his _mind_. It was cracking open, all that veneer of calm gone and replaced by panic, all the deeper parts he'd kept compartmentalised breaking to the surface.

River didn't waste any more time. Even if Simmons hadn't triggered some kind of alarm while they were in his study, the rest of the house was full of cameras and sensors. She had a few minutes at most before the feds came after her.

She plunged into his mind, digging deeper now that his normal defences had cracked and failed. She cut into his memories mercilessly, looking for everything he knew about her and Kuen, everything he remembered about what had been done to them and the others.

A moment later, another mind joined hers, steadying her and helping her. _Kuen_.

He was himself again, not a weapon, and she could feel his anger like her own as they methodically ripped open Simmons' mind.

His political secrets and connections. His ambitions and motivations. Everything he knew, everything he was, they accessed it all, inspected and assimilated it and moved on, moved deeper.

"Please, please, please, no," Simmons was begging now.

Kuen walked into the room and came to stand next to River. He'd had the sense not to remove the knife from his shoulder, and he didn't look too badly off otherwise, if you ignored the way his thoughts were raging.

_Why should we have mercy on you?_ he asked directly into Simmons' mind: quicker and impossible for the people watching the security cameras to hear.

Simmons' thoughts were barely coherent. _Gave you what you wanted – let you have the ones who hurt you – gave you a purpose – could have achieved so much – don't want to die – please, please don't –_

**_You_** _were the one who hurt us_ , River reminded him. _Without you, it never could have happened._

_And then you used us_ , Kuen thought bitterly. _The purpose you gave us was killing people who might expose you. You ordered us to assassinate your political rivals. All you wanted was power – to eventually be Speaker. As for mercy... you didn't show any to Cara and Lian and the others when you had them killed._

River took a moment to imagine killing Simmons. He deserved it, she was certain of that. She couldn't picture him changing. Now that they knew so much about him, he might be... defanged. But the risk he posed would never be entirely banished. He would always be a trigger.

She could kill him. She would enjoy it.

And that was, perhaps, the only reason that mattered why she shouldn't.

Kuen stirred beside her, still staring at Simmons with dark eyes, and slowly pulled the knife out of his own shoulder. River let their minds slide closer, until she could feel the knife as if it were in her hand too, until they were one.

They threw the knife together.

Simmons screamed as it caught him in the other shoulder, leaving him pinned on both sides. His mind was nothing but red pain and black fear, and River and Kuen pressed in a final message.

_We know everything that you know. Don't come after us, or the 'verse will too._

There were minds approaching – they'd known that the feds couldn't be far away at this point. River let her mind carefully separate from Kuen's to their normal level, and cast one final look at the moaning, whimpering remains of Simmons.

Kuen's hand brushed hers, and then they were running.


	8. Chapter 8

Zoe came down from the bridge and joined them in the kitchen. "Inara says she should be landing in about an hour. She'll send the wave shortly after that." Her gaze shifted to Kaylee. "You ready, Kaylee?"

"All ready," Kaylee said, overly bright, but Mal couldn't fault her for being nervous.

He'd had second and third thoughts about this plan already. No plan that involved Kaylee in any danger could be called a good plan. And he knew River would hate the very idea of putting her at risk. But he'd be with Kaylee the whole time, and her record was clean. Even if the Alliance took too close an interest in him, there was nothing they could pin on Kaylee. Inara would get her out, if the worst came to the worst.

Jayne was cleaning his knives at the table, Sying sitting on his lap and watching with fascination. "Still don't like this plan. Too gorram much sitting on our asses and waiting for the rest of us."

"Afraid it's a bit too late to change your mind about plan B now," Zoe said, amusement clear in her voice.

Mal didn't even try to suppress his own grin. Plan B had been for Jayne to go with Inara in her shuttle, in case they needed more muscle down on the planet. The only problem had been how to explain his presence. It had been Kaylee who'd cheerfully suggested, "He could be a boy whore!"

Both Inara's and Jayne's expressions had been priceless. And that had been before Simon had piped up thoughtfully, "Well, if you shaved him – all over, I mean... and maybe painted his nails... and he just wore one of Inara's scarves around his waist..."

Mal had been quite fond of plan B.

Jayne was scowling again at the mere memory. "Ain't nobody gonna make me shave and walk around in nothin' but a towel," he muttered. "I'm just sayin', there oughta be a better plan than this."

"The plan's solid, Jayne," Zoe said. "More of us going down to the surface would just complicate things." She turned her attention to Mal. "Feel like checking my calculations, sir?"

"Sure," Mal agreed easily, and followed her back up to the bridge.

Zoe waited until they were out of earshot of the others before saying quietly, "Sir, if something goes wrong – we're not going to be able to back you up. I don't like that."

"Two things of which I'm well aware," Mal said. "I ain't sayin' I like it either. But Inara has connections here. Not to mention that we ain't doing anything wrong, technically."

"Somehow I doubt the Alliance will see it that way," Zoe said drily.

"They never do," Mal agreed.

It hit him out of nowhere, hard enough to send him staggering against the wall. Cold, implacable calculation, _The target has the gun – **my** gun_... And most disorienting of all, his own voice, though he hadn't spoken, _Take a deep breath, River. Ain't no rush_.

He'd said that to her once. And for all that this didn't feel anything like the other times she'd touched his mind, there was only one explanation. _River?_ he thought, trying to reach out to her. _River!_

But the moment of connection was gone, and Mal found himself leaning against the wall just outside the bridge, his heart racing, Zoe bracing him with a hand on his shoulder.

"What the hell was that?" she demanded.

Mal dragged in a deep breath and tried to get his heartbeat back under control. "River," he said quietly. "She's..." He trailed off, struggling for words to describe that moment in her mind. "Wo de ma. I don't know. It wasn't good."

Zoe's hand tightened painfully on his shoulder. "Could you pick up anything about where she is? What's going on?"

Mal shook his head, trying to shake off the sense of alarm the contact had sparked in him. "No. She – she's fighting, I think. It wasn't good."

Zoe eyed him a moment longer, then nodded sharply and released his shoulder to let him stand alone. "Then we'd better get ready to give her an escape route."

* * *

Going back to Marie and Kuen's apartment was probably not the wisest move, but it was a necessary one. They both needed a chance to do some first aid, and Marie needed to be warned. Once the feds reached Simmons and he told them what had happened – and who'd attacked him – they would come looking for the two of them, and Marie's apartment would be the first place they'd look. They couldn't leave her to be caught in the crossfire.

River and Kuen had hashed all of this out in their minds on the way there. The sun would be up soon, but for now the city was dull and grey in the dim, pre-dawn light. River and Kuen did their best to blend in with the few nightshift workers heading home, but River knew they weren't doing a good enough job, not enough to fool the surveillance cameras.

They needed to get in, wake Marie, grab a first-aid kit, and get out. Find a place to lie low while they patched themselves up and figured out how the hell to get off-planet.

_We'll figure it out_ , Kuen thought as they stepped into the building's elevator. He hit the button for Marie's apartment absently; his thoughts were already on how he was going to convince Marie to come with them before answering her questions. But she'd trusted him that evening – surely she'd listen to him now –

_She'll listen_ , River reassured him, then frowned. _Wait, that's strange –_

There was no sense of Marie's mind inside the apartment.

River reacted faster than thought, leaping up so that she was pressed against the top of the elevator. Kuen caught the hand she extended and followed her up, despite the flash of pain in his shoulder. He braced his feet against the top of the walls, his body pressed to hers, his head tucked against her shoulder, both of them waiting –

The elevator gave a sedate _ding_ as they reached Marie's floor, and then the world exploded.

It took a moment for things to make sense again. The bomb had torn out the doors of the elevator – and most of the floor, when River looked down and saw the elevator shaft below them. She and Kuen had only just escaped the blast radius, and what was left of the elevator was shaking alarmingly.

The inside of Marie's apartment was filled with smoke, and the area around the doorway didn't look sound.

Kuen was cursing inside his head – possibly out loud as well, but River could tell it would be a while before her ears recovered enough for her to hear anything.

_We need to go in_ , Kuen thought to her. He was picturing Marie lying bleeding inside.

_She's not there_ , River reminded him.

Kuen's thoughts took on a grimmer cast. _Her body might be._

There was no arguing with that. River loosened her grip on him, and Kuen studied the situation for a moment before swinging down and some distance into the apartment – far enough that the floor didn't give way beneath him.

The motion made the elevator shudder even more, and River adjusted her hold and flipped down after him.

The smoke was thickest nearest the doors, and the walls nearby were smouldering. Kuen was moving through the apartment at a fast pace, checking each room methodically.

River took a moment to stand and think. There was no way the feds could have beaten them from Simmons' house back to the apartment, and even if they had managed it, there wouldn't have been time to rig up a bomb.

So the only possibility was that the feds had known earlier. Before they'd found Simmons.

Which raised the question – how? And if they'd known, why hadn't they gone to help Simmons sooner?

If Simmons had raised the alarm while she and Kuen had been fighting, the feds would have had no cause to come here.

_Marie's not here_ , Kuen thought, his mental tone coloured with a mixture of relief and concern and growing suspicion. He'd been following her thoughts, of course, and they both knew the conclusion they were leading to.

_She told someone_ , River thought. _And they set a trap for us._

And whoever Marie had spoken to, she'd clearly told them enough that they'd known how best to set a trap. If you wanted to catch a reader unawares, you didn't send an assassin, no matter how stealthy, no matter how well armed. You didn't send an army. You rigged up a bomb somewhere you knew they would go, because that way there was no mind to tip them off.

_She wouldn't betray us_ , Kuen thought, but they could both hear the doubt twining around that thought. They'd both been betrayed before.

River hoped for Kuen's sake that he hadn't been betrayed again.

_I'll find the first-aid kit_ , she thought. _Get anything you want to keep._

The shock of that instruction showed in Kuen's face for an instant before he blanked it. But he didn't argue. It was all too obvious that he wouldn't be able to return here again.

It only took River a moment to get the first-aid kit, and not much longer to check the guest room for anything she wanted to take with her. There was very little. For all that it had been almost a year since she'd left Serenity, she'd accumulated little but weapons and camouflage – clothes, make-up and the like. Nothing that mattered. Nothing that she wanted to take with her.

Kuen had only a small bag when he joined her. River didn't comment, even mentally, just held up the first-aid kit.

_Not here_ , Kuen thought. _We need to get away from here. They'll know the bomb was triggered. It won't be long before they come to check whether it took us out._

_We have enough time to clean up that knife wound_ , River thought stubbornly. _It'll give us time to figure out where to go._

Kuen grimaced, but acquiesced, largely because he didn't know what came next either. His mind was still racing in circles – Simmons, Marie, the others, how badly he'd been manipulated.

River tried her best not to listen in too closely, preferring to focus on his shoulder wound. The wound she'd inflicted.

_Don't_ , Kuen thought. _It was Simmons. You were just his weapon._

_Not any more_ , River thought fiercely, mostly to herself. _Not ever again._

_Never_ , Kuen agreed.

The wound was deeper than she'd have liked, and had been damaged further by their acrobatics to avoid the bomb blast. But Kuen was in no danger of bleeding out, and River concentrated on cleaning the wound and stitching it together, trying to remember everything she'd ever picked up from Simon, remember all the things she'd seen in his mind when patching up the crew's wounds.

And then suddenly, unexpectedly, she was in his mind, his worry surrounding her. Worry for her, for Kaylee, for all of them –

_Simon?_

She felt his shock and flash of relief before the worry took over again. _River! River, is that you? Are you all right? Did they find you?_

Her eyes met Kuen's. _He must be close_ , Kuen thought, _for you to reach him unintentionally like that._

_It's me, Simon_ , River sent. _I'm all right, don't worry about me. What's going on, why are you worrying about Kaylee?_

_She went down to the planet with the captain –_

**_What?_ **

River pulled away from Simon's mind and reached out frantically, searching for familiar minds.

And there he was, closer than she'd felt him since the ball where they'd danced together, months ago. _Mal!_

_River! Are you –_

_Mal, what the hell, what are you doing here? You can't be here! **Kaylee** can't be here!_

_River –_

_They'll kill you! Both of you! Mal, you need to get out of here, now!_ She pushed all of her urgency and panic at him and felt him reel under it.

_Wo de ma – River, calm down. Darlin', we're fine, we know what we're doing. And I'd take it as a kindness if you'd stop pushing at me like that before my reaction attracts the attention of all these feds watching us –_

_Liu koushui de biaozi he houzi de ben erzi!_

_Now, darlin'. Be nice. We've come to take you away from all this, after all._ Mal's mental tone was almost giddy with his delight in being able to act at last, but River could sense his usual watchfulness as well, the adrenaline rush and satisfaction of a dangerous job going well.

_C'mon, River_ , he added, _you know me. You know I wouldn't put Kaylee at risk. Nothing's gonna happen to her. We're just taking a little trip across the city, that's all._

River couldn't force down her panic. _They'll know who you are! They'll know you're here for me and they'll kill you!_

_They ain't gonna kill us. But maybe having them focus on us will buy you some breathing space to move. Now that Simmons is dead –_

_What?_

Kuen had been listening in; his expression was already shifting from shock to realisation.

Mal thought, _It's running on every news screen. Found dead in his apartment._

_They killed him_ , River and Kuen thought together, their eyes locked. They'd left Simmons badly wounded, but not fatally.

_Mal, they left a bomb to try to kill us. You need to get Kaylee out of here._

_You try convincin' her, darlin'._

River ground her teeth. _Kaylee?_

_River!_ Kaylee's delight at sensing her rang clearly through her thoughts, overpowering her nervousness. _I wondered if the captain was talkin' to you, he went all still –_

_Kaylee, you need to get back to the ship, you're in danger!_

The fear Kaylee felt was visceral, and Kuen caught River's wrist to ground them both through it. But a moment later it ebbed, overpowered by the strength of her resolve.

_I'm doing this, River. I'm already here. 'Sides, ain't like I'm doing anything wrong. The captain and I are just going across the city to repair Inara's shuttle. Ain't no law against that._

_Kaylee_ –

_River._ Kaylee's thought was firm and cut River's objections off entirely. _I'm doing this. If there's a way for me to help you, I'm gonna do it._ A note of forced cheer crept into her thoughts. _'Sides, we need you back on the ship. Serenity don't like flyin' without you. And there's no way Simon and I can get married without you there._

Kuen squeezed River's wrist, painful enough to force her to focus and keep her from flying to pieces. "You'd do the same for them," he said aloud, for only her to hear. "And they're already here. Stop putting them in more danger by distracting them. Figure out how to use what they're offering you."

River had to blink fiercely to force back the tears that were threatening. Both Mal and Kaylee were thinking her name worriedly, and River thought to them, _I'm here, I'm all right. Thank you. Thank you both._

_What are families for?_ Kaylee thought, still nervous but furiously determined. _Be careful, mei-mei._

Mal's mind was warm and welcoming, soothing her. _Time to come home, darlin'._

_Yes_ , she thought, and took a deep breath. _I'm ready to come home, Mal. Tell me more about your crazy plan._

_It ain't any crazier than usual._

_The usual is already pretty crazy_ , River thought back. _And I know a thing or two about crazy. Just ask Jayne._

Mal's amusement was more reassuring than anything else could be. _Well then. It's real simple. Inara took her shuttle down to the guild house here a few hours back. She sent us a wave to say it was acting up, though. It needs Kaylee's magic touch. So her and I took the other shuttle down, and now we're crossing the city to join Inara. Then it's just a question of how long Kaylee can pretend to be fiddlin' with the shuttle's engine. Reckon the feds will be breathing down our necks, making sure you ain't slipped on board. With luck, that'll buy you some space to get to the docks._

River nodded, considering. _They'll still be watching the shuttle at the docks._

_Sure they will. But if they think you're at the guild house, might be as you can get on board the shuttle and get out of there. If not, if they're waitin' for you there... use the shuttle as a decoy and find a different ship. Shuttle's easier replaced than you are, darlin'._

_I've missed you_ , River thought helplessly. _I've missed you so much, Mal._

_I've missed you too_ , Mal thought back, and all his feelings for her were right there in his thoughts. _Get to the docks, dong ma? Be careful. And keep me updated._

_You be careful too_ , River warned him.

_Always am_ , Mal thought, with a last wave of warmth.

River refocused on her surroundings: Kuen kneeling in front of her, gripping her wrist, in the middle of the smoke-filled apartment.

"It's a decent plan," Kuen said quietly. "With that kind of diversion, you should make it to the docks."

River frowned and started sewing up his shoulder wound again. Their mental conversations had only taken a few minutes, but they needed to get out of there very soon. "You mean 'we'."

Kuen gave her a sardonic half-smile. "Somehow I don't think your captain is going to want me on board."

"Don't be stupid," River said, stabbing the needle in harder than strictly necessary. Kuen winced. "He wouldn't ask me to leave you."

Kuen shook his head impatiently. "It doesn't matter. I can't leave, not yet. I need to find Marie."

River slowed in her sewing for a moment before she could rein in her reaction. "You think..."

"I don't know what to think," Kuen admitted. "But I need to know. No matter what the truth is."

River tied off the stitches and started bandaging his shoulder. _Fine_ , she thought. _So let's find her._

_I didn't mean you_ , Kuen thought. _You should get to the docks –_

_Don't be stupid_ , River told him flatly, and reached out with her mind, searching for the familiar sense of Marie's thoughts, feeling Kuen reaching out as well.

It was Kuen who found her – unsurprisingly, given how much closer they were. River followed his mind the moment she felt his shock of recognition.

_Marie!_

_Kuen! Are you all right? They said all kinds of things, I've been so worried._ Marie's mind was still echoing with that worry, though relief was slowly gaining ground.

River dove into her mind, not harshly, not doing anything that would even alert Marie to the fact that she was there, but deeply, deep enough to find the truth. Marie's concern and relief were both sincere. Whatever had happened, she hadn't deliberately betrayed Kuen.

River was the one holding Kuen's hands now, grounding him through his relief at that confirmation.

_I'm all right,_ Kuen thought to Marie. _What happened? Where are you?_

Marie's thoughts grew more hesitant, wary of his reaction. _I know I promised to wait at home until you came back, but – after what you said about Member Simmons, I couldn't just sit there and do nothing, not when you might be hurt._

_You told someone_ , Kuen thought unhappily.

Marie's mental voice strengthened with the conviction that she'd acted correctly. _Yes, I did. I contacted Member Poole. You said Member Simmons was blackmailing you, that he wanted to force you to kill her – I knew she'd listen and help you. She sent security forces to Simmons' house to make sure you were all right._

_No, she took the opportunity to have Simmons killed_ , River thought privately to Kuen. _She can pin it on us, and use it as grounds to have us eliminated, now that she knows we're still out here._

Kuen's eyes met hers, agreement clear in them. _Where are you now?_ he asked Marie.

_Member Poole asked me to come in and brief her_ , Marie thought. _I'm at the Parliament building._

_Wo de ma_ , Kuen cursed.

_Kuen!_ Marie thought, shocked.

_Marie, I need you to listen to me_ , Kuen thought urgently. _Whatever you do, don't let them know I'm talking to you. Don't say anything, don't give it away with your expression. All right?_

_You're acting like I'm in danger_ , Marie thought uneasily. _I'm at the Parliament building, Kuen. It's the most secure building on Londinium – in the whole 'verse, maybe. I'm perfectly safe._

_Just listen_ , Kuen thought, and began to tell her the truth. Everything, from the first few months after she'd taken him from the Academy, to the meeting at which Simmons had triggered and then carefully manipulated him, encouraging him to believe he was hopelessly damaged and offering him a 'productive outlet'. His work as an operative, and assassinating those involved with the Academy. Killing Enlai. Forcing River to join him. The work they'd done together, and how their doubts had grown. Their confrontation with Simmons, how he'd triggered them, and how they'd regained the upper hand. What they'd learned about the extent of his deception.

The fact that Simmons had been killed by the security forces Poole had sent. The fact that a bomb had been rigged in Marie's apartment to kill him and River if they returned there.

Marie's horror grew more acute as Kuen went on. Her mind was racing in tight circles of disbelief and rage and horror. It was impossible to think through it: River clutched Kuen's hands as he made his confession, ploughing on regardless of Marie's reactions.

River understood. She knew how difficult it had been to face her crew's reactions when they'd begun to realise what she was capable of doing. Before Jubal Early, when they'd realised she was a reader and Kaylee had admitted that she'd seen River kill with unnatural skill. After she'd been triggered on Beaumonde, when Jayne had been all for putting a bullet in her head and Mal had chained her up.

He'd trusted her, in the end. He'd holstered his gun and listened to her; he'd taken her where she'd needed to go and fought to get the secrets that were cutting apart her mind out into the 'verse. He'd bet on her again and again, even this last time, and now he'd come to Londinium, the very heart of the Core, all for her.

She held Kuen's hands and waited to see how Marie would react.

There was silence when Kuen was done, only the turmoil of Marie's thoughts and the sickening sense of fear and loss Kuen felt.

_I'm sorry_ , Kuen thought finally. _I shouldn't have lied to you –_

_You're gorram right you shouldn't have!_ Marie snapped – the first time River had heard her swear. _Oh god. Oh god, and I led Poole right to you. You could have been **killed**. And all this time – Kuen, I'm so sorry. I should have realised, I should have known something wasn't right. If I'd been paying attention –_

_None of this is your fault_ , Kuen thought, his mental tone weak with surprise and relief. _Listen. Tell them the truth, that you knew nothing about what River and I were really doing. They'll believe you – they'll probably want to question you for a while longer, but then they'll let you go. You'll be fine. Simmons is dead, but I'm sure you'll be able to transfer to work for another Member of Parliament, you're amazing at your job –_

_What about you?_ Marie interrupted.

Kuen met River's eyes. _River and I are going to try to get off-world. We'll go on the run. Don't worry, we'll be fine._

Marie's dismay was sharp. _You're leaving? But..._

_They want to kill us_ , Kuen said gently. _We can't stay._

_I don't want to never see you again_ , Marie thought, helpless and unhappy.

Kuen's eyes were bright with tears as he gripped River's hands more tightly. _I don't want that either. I'm sorry. But there's no way I can stay._

Marie's turbulent thoughts abruptly settled into determination. _Then I'm coming with you._

Kuen's stunned wave of emotion hit River like a sledgehammer. _But..._

_No buts_ , Marie said sharply. _Just tell me where to meet you. I'm coming._

River dove deeper into her mind, but Marie's determination was real. She meant it. She understood the ramifications of her choice, at least as much as anyone could when taking such a major decision so quickly.

River shared her conclusions with Kuen, who was still stunned. "She means it. She wants to come with you."

"She'd be giving up everything," Kuen said. He'd shut his eyes but hadn't released his grip on River's hands.

"Except you," River said softly.

Kuen drew in a deep breath. "You go. Get to the docks. I'll get Marie out."

"They're holding her in the Parliament building," River reminded him. "You won't be able to get her out by yourself."

"I'll manage," Kuen said. "You'll miss your diversion if you don't go now."

River squeezed his hands hard enough to hurt. "I'm not leaving you behind a second time."

She felt the shock that sent through him, but she was simply stating a fact. She couldn't leave him. She'd be leaving a part of herself behind.

Kuen opened his eyes and they looked at each other in silence for a long moment.

"Let's go," River said finally. She stood up and reached down, and Kuen took her hand and let her pull him up.

* * *

Mal returned his attention to Kaylee, whose face was alight with surprise as she stared at him. He winced, abruptly wondering how much of his conversation with River had been audible to Kaylee too.

"Well," Kaylee said, and surprised him with a sly, growing grin. "Anything you want to tell me, Cap'n?"

Mal gave her the sternest look he could muster. "Matter of fact, there is. Get your ass in gear. Inara's waitin' for us."

Kaylee's smile didn't dim as they started walking again. "She's not the one you've been _missing_ , though, is she?"

The only reason Mal didn't snap at her was because he caught the nervous way she glanced around them, and realised she was trying to distract herself from what they were doing.

The capital city on Londinium was huge, the largest city in the 'verse, they said. Mal could believe it. The Companions' Guild had a guild house in a huge park on the far side of the city from the main docks. That was where Inara was. He and Kaylee had taken three different shuttle transports just to get to the outskirts of the park, and now they were continuing on foot.

"Not that I'm saying I disapprove or nothin'," Kaylee rambled on as they walked. "I mean, not that I was expecting it, but – it's sweet. Simon'll have a conniption, mind –"

"Of that I'm well aware," Mal muttered, and regretted it an instant later when Kaylee's face lit up at his inadvertent confirmation of her suspicions.

"Oh my, you really are – oh my goodness. How long has this been going on under all our noses?! Is that why you and Inara –"

"No," Mal said hastily. "Wo de ma, Kaylee, whatever you're thinking – it ain't nothing like that. We ain't..."

"Really?" Kaylee asked, sounding disappointed.

Mal gritted his teeth. "You'll remember what things were like right before she left," he pointed out. "We kissed when she was leaving. Ain't like we've seen much of each other since." He definitely wasn't about to mention his dream the other night.

"Oh," Kaylee said softly, then smiled unexpectedly. "That's actually real romantic, Cap'n."

Mal shook his head and walked faster. "C'mon, let's get to Inara."

The guild house was a beautiful building that left Kaylee wide-eyed and sighing and Mal rolling his eyes at the sheer impracticality of it. 'Course, that was the point. Companions sold a dream, after all, and all the details and trimmings had to fit.

"Ain't it _pretty_ ," Kaylee sighed. "And this ain't even the overall headquarters, that's on Sihnon. I bet that's something to see."

"Not this trip," Mal said firmly. He was uncomfortably aware of the feds following them. It had to be clear by now that they were heading for the guild house, and Mal had a feeling the feds wouldn't like that.

He sped up and caught Kaylee's arm to hurry her along.

There were what looked like a couple of hundred steps leading up to the grand doors. Kaylee automatically headed in that direction, but Mal tugged her away and walked around the bottom of the stairs instead, underneath them. There were doors there too, much less grand.

"How'd you know...?" Kaylee started.

"Doubt they get their deliveries brought to those doors up there," Mal said. "Or open them for normal folks like you'n me." And no doubt there'd be another, less obvious set of doors somewhere for clients who were prepared to pay for discretion, but this would do for now.

He could hear raised voices somewhere behind them: evidently the feds had been counting on them having to go up all them steps. Mal grinned, then grinned wider when the doors swung open at their approach.

There was a woman standing there. She had a long sheet of white-blonde hair tumbling behind her and was dressed in icy blue to match her eyes. "Captain Reynolds, I presume."

"That's me," Mal said. "And this is my ship's mechanic, Kaylee."

"Lady Serra asked me to meet you," the woman said. "Come in. I'll escort you to her."

The doors shut behind them before the feds could reach them. Mal grinned again when he heard the knocking and shouting start up.

"That gonna be a problem?" he asked as the Companion led them silently away into the building.

"Law-enforcement officers should know better than to come to the private entrance," the Companion said neutrally. "If they wish to obtain information about anyone on Guild property, there are official channels for them to go through."

And knowing how the Guild guarded its independence and the privacy of both its Companions and its clients, Mal had an idea of how difficult those channels would be to go through.

The guild house was grander than the training house Mal had sneaked into a few years back. Kaylee's eyes were getting wider and wider. Mal contented himself with being glad that he hadn't needed to dress up in red velvet this time.

The Companion led them into a richly decorated room, and there Inara was, effortlessly outshining all the finery of her surroundings, as always. She smiled when she saw them, something relieved and real, and Mal smiled back.

"Thank you, Leanne," Inara said to the Companion who'd escorted them. "I appreciate your assistance."

The Companion dipped into a slight curtsey. "It's my pleasure, sister. I'll go and deal with the police."

"Thank you," Inara murmured, and Leanne withdrew.

"She knows?" Mal asked.

"No," Inara said, "but I spent several months here before I came on board Serenity. I trust her. She'll buy us as much time as she can. We'll only be able to hold off the feds for so long, though. Were you able to reach River?"

"She got hold of us, technically, but yes," Mal said. That had been the weakest part of the plan, really: they'd had no way to get hold of River to let her know about it. He knew her range extended more than far enough for her to hear them – hell, she'd managed to reach him several moons away, not long ago – but if she wasn't expecting them or reaching out... But that concern was buried now.

"She's going to head for the docks," he told Inara. "With luck she might be almost there already."

"It would be good to know how long we need to stall," Inara said. "Kaylee, how long will it take you to fix the problem with the shuttle?"

Kaylee's grin was impish. "That kind of fault, if you know where it is, it takes five seconds to fix. If you don't, well, you need to check all the wiring. Could take hours to pinpoint it."

Mal grinned. "Well, we wouldn't want to trespass on the Guild's hospitality for longer than necessary, so why don't you go and start lookin' into the problem, Kaylee – but be... thorough. Nothing but the best for our Ambassador, after all."

"Shi, Cap'n," Kaylee said cheerfully. "Where is she, 'Nara?"

"We'll all go," Inara said, with a raised eyebrow at Mal for the 'Ambassador' joke. "Leanne will keep me updated."

She led them through a seemingly endless succession of hallways and up several flights of stairs until they finally reached an outdoor landing platform, large enough to offer berths for half a dozen small shuttles, of which four were in use. Kaylee eyed the other shuttles critically but made a beeline for Inara's, murmuring to it under her breath as if she were greeting an old friend she hadn't seen in years.

Inara and Kaylee went inside, and Mal wandered over to the edge of the platform. It was quite a view out across the city, if you liked that kind of thing.

_River_ , he thought. He hadn't the faintest idea how to go about reaching out to her; she was the reader, not him. But he reckoned she'd be keeping tabs, now she knew they were on Londinium, so he settled for trying to think loudly. _River, darlin', you there?_

Thirty agonisingly slow seconds ground past before she said _Mal_ in his mind.

_There you are_. Mal couldn't quite hold back his relief. _How are we doin'?_

River's resignation and resolve in his mind told him he wasn't going to like the answer. _You know how you say things never go smooth?_

_Gou-shi_ , Mal thought, but he was already resigning himself to it. It was true enough, things never did go smooth. _What's happened? Docks locked down? You could try to make it here instead, if they ain't expectin' you –_

_It's not that_ , River thought. _It's Marie. Kuen's Simon. She's being held in the Parliament building. Kuen and I need to break her out before we can run._

_Oh, zhe zhen shi ge kuaile de jinzhan_ , Mal thought. _The Parliament building? River..._

_I know, I know_ , River thought, and he could hear the stress in her mental tone. _But we don't need to get in, just get her out. It's feasible._

Mal scrubbed both hands over his face and tried to fight down his alarm. _We're at the guild house. The feds were breathing down our neck by the time we got here. We'll stall as long as we can but... we're gonna have to take off sooner rather than later. And the minute we're in the air, your diversion is gone._

River was silent for a moment. _I understand_ , she said finally.

_River..._

_Mal, it's fine. Thank you, thank you so much for coming here. But I can't leave without doing this. If I don't make it off-world in time to rendezvous with Serenity, I'll find another way. I'll find you. I'm coming home. I promise._

Mal forced himself to draw in a deep breath and not punch Inara's shuttle, because it'd be a draw to see whether Kaylee or Inara would have his head faster, and River likely wouldn't be too pleased with him either.

_We'll stall_ , he thought finally. _We'll stall as long as possible. Check in with me as often as you can, dong ma? And work fast._

_I'd better get back to work, then_ , River thought. _Mal..._ She let the thought trail off into a wordless mix of gratitude, sorrow, resignation and worry.

_River_ , Mal thought back helplessly. _Be careful, darlin'._

* * *

Careful was not a word that could be used to describe what they were about to do, River thought.

They'd moved, unable to risk staying in the badly damaged apartment complex any longer, not when emergency services – or the feds, or parliamentary operatives – might find them at any moment. They'd changed outfits in an attempt to pass as tourists and were now at the top of Brandt Tower.

River had come here with her school group, years ago. It wasn't the tallest building in Londinium's capital city, not by a long shot, but it was close to the Parliament building and offered an excellent view across the entire parliamentary district, which the taller skyscrapers couldn't match. As such, it was on the itinerary of every tourist and visitor to the capital.

There was absolutely no peace and quiet to be had at the top, not even on the little outdoor viewing platform a few floors above the main one, which only a fraction of the visitors bothered to take the stairs up to. But it wasn't as though she and Kuen needed to talk aloud, and they had a good view of the Parliament building.

_How long does your captain think he can hold them off?_ Kuen asked.

_Not long, I think_ , River said. _We need to do this fast._

_Yes, this wasn't quite challenging enough without a timer running_ , Kuen thought sarcastically, but there was no heat in it. _We're going to need to have everything under control before we even start this. We'll only get one shot at it._

River sent him a wordless wave of agreement and got to work.

It was fortunate that they'd spent a night researching the building not long ago. The layouts and everything they knew about the security measures were already burned into their memories. Now they were reaching out with their minds to the people there – figuring out who they were, what their jobs were, looking through their eyes for long enough to learn whatever they needed to, then moving on to the next person, leaving just a faint touch of their thoughts behind so they could find them again quickly.

There were a lot of people in the building.

Kuen was starting with the exits and working his way in; River was starting with Marie's mind, located in an interview room three floors below ground level, and working her way out.

They layered their impressions over their mental plans of the building. _Here_ was a security camera, and _here_ was the control room and the people monitoring them. _Here_ was a sensor, and _here_ were guards.

_Here_ was the person responsible for security, and Kuen and River joined forces and dug deeper into her mind, careful not to let her sense them. There were plans in her mind, too, much more detailed than anything they'd been able to track down. Hidden routes through the building, unmarked rooms, information about plain-clothes security guards.

Once they'd extracted all the information they could from her mind, they went back to where they'd left off.

It took time, precious time that River was well aware they didn't have, that could cost Mal and Kaylee and Inara dearly. But she couldn't give in to her panic or let it distract her. Kuen was right that they'd only have one shot at this, and if they missed anything, it would all fall apart.

Finally, though, they'd worked their way through the entire building.

They conferred for several more precious minutes, twisting their mental plan of the building to examine it more closely, mapping out route after route, figuring out what each would involve.

River finally made a quick circuit of the viewing platform to avoid attracting attention for standing in one place for too long, listening in as Kuen reached out to Marie's mind again.

_Marie, are you ready?_

_More than_ , she thought fervently, though there was nervousness there too. _What do I do?_

_River and I will walk you through it_ , Kuen said. _Just listen to us and do exactly what we say, all right?_

River was already at work, tightening her grip on the mind of the guard responsible for watching the monitor covering Marie's room. Then she extended her reach, taking in half of the people in the security control room, as Kuen reached out to the other half. They would be most likely to spot something wrong and raise the alarm. River and Kuen would need to control them for the entire escape.

Even so, all it would take was one alarm going off anywhere and the entire escape attempt would collapse.

_I'm still not sure how you think I'm going to be able to just walk out of here without anyone even noticing_ , Marie thought nervously. _Have you done this kind of thing before?_

River and Kuen carefully didn't look at each other. _Not on quite this scale_ , Kuen told Marie, which was the kind of understatement that verged on being an outright lie. _But it'll be fine. Sit still a moment or two longer, but we're almost ready._

River took a deep breath and did her best to interfere with the mind of the main guard in the control room in such a way that when he looked at the monitor showing Marie's room, he'd see what he was seeing now, even once she was gone.

Contrary to what Kuen had implied, they'd never done anything remotely like this before. Reading someone's thoughts – that was easy. It was impossible to shut them out, in fact. Projecting thoughts to someone was fairly easy as well, though some people's minds were easier than others. Plunging deeper into someone's mind to track down a specific piece of information – that was hard and had taken practice. Interfering with a very specific part of what someone was seeing and maintaining it... that was incredibly difficult.

_I think it might be easier to just knock out everyone in the building_ , she thought to Kuen, half-seriously.

_Easier? Definitely_ , Kuen agreed. _Wouldn't work, though._ They'd considered it. But it was too much to hope that it wouldn't trip alarms and sensors and back-up security systems. That was why they'd chosen the harder approach.

_I know, I know_ , River thought. _Okay, we're shiny. I've got him._

_And I've got the guards in the first corridor. Ready?_

River sent a wave of agreement. _Marie, go. The door isn't locked, but there are two guards right outside. Don't talk to them or pay them any attention – turn left and walk straight to the end of the corridor. Walk, don't run – we want you to look as normal and uninteresting as possible._

To her credit, Marie didn't hesitate or ask any more questions. She stood up with every appearance of calm and let herself out the door, closing it behind her, and started walking down the hallway without more than a glance at the guards. Who were, thanks to Kuen, lost in a very vivid daydream about their upcoming vacation and the gorgeous guy they'd bought their coffee from that morning, respectively.

_Wo de tian, a_ , Marie thought in nervous disbelief when the guards didn't react.

_Wait at the end of the corridor until we tell you to go_ , Kuen told her. He and River were already working – him to find the next set of guards, River to find the control-room staff watching the next set of monitors, all without either of them letting go of the people they were currently deceiving.

Three hallways later, River was exhausted and she could feel how tired Kuen was as well. This on top of the night they'd had might just be too much for them.

_Don't think like that_ , Kuen snapped at her.

River took another deep breath and rested more of her weight against the rail around the viewing platform. He was right, of course. Thinking like that wouldn't help. But merciful Buddha, she was tired. They were going to need to find a short route for Marie.

_There's an elevator at the end of this corridor_ , Kuen told Marie. _Wait in front of it until we give you the go-ahead._

Getting an elevator to Marie involved tracking down all the security staff who'd notice an elevator moving to that floor, as well as turning aside everyone who was considering using that elevator, on any floor. There was also the fact that they wanted it to stop on a floor where access was restricted to a very few, very high-ranking parliamentary officials. Marie didn't have the pass she would need to get there. 

There was, however, someone in the security control centre who could override the elevator, with some very careful nudging to make sure he did so without realising it.

_Go ahead_ , River told Marie. _Don't push any buttons, though._

Marie raised her eyebrows, trying to cover her nervousness with a joke. _If you two are trying to tell me you can lift elevators with your minds now..._

_Now that would be useful_ , River agreed. _Don't think you want to be in the elevator when we try that for the first time, though._

_You've got that right._

Kuen exhaled sharply, a wave of triumph and exhaustion coming from his mind, and the elevator began moving upward.

_Good work_ , River told him.

_You get to do that next time_ , Kuen told her. _Renci de fozu_...

_It's gone past the exit level_ , Marie thought anxiously.

_It's meant to_ , Kuen reassured her. _It's taking you to a floor where you can get all the way across the building without meeting anyone._

Marie's scepticism was clear. _This is the Parliament building, Kuen. It's crawling with security and staffers and visiting delegations._

_There's a hidden corridor – an escape route for the Speaker in an emergency_ , River told her. _Trust us._

Through Marie's eyes, they saw the elevator doors slide open, even though the elevator panel was indicating that she was still somewhere between floors four and five.

_Go_ , Kuen instructed her. _Head left and keep going. Walk fast, but be ready to stop if we tell you._

The corridor was very plain compared to what they'd seen of the rest of the building. Plain white walls, a low ceiling, an ugly grey carpet that screamed 'bureaucracy'. But considering it was only for emergency use, it was unsurprising.

River and Kuen were kept busy tracking how far Marie had come and dealing with the people monitoring the various sensors and screens. All seemed to be going smoothly until bells started ringing loudly. River jumped and felt Kuen's jolt of shock as well.

_It's not an alarm_ , Marie thought urgently, her mind echoing her own shock. _It's the signal that there's going to be a vote – it means Members have five minutes to get to the chamber._

River and Kuen exchanged a rueful glance, acknowledging their moment of panic. And so they saw each other's eyes widen when a door near the end of Marie's corridor opened and the Speaker of Parliament stepped out of his office.

_The head of security thought this corridor was for emergency use only!_ Kuen thought in panic.

Marie had frozen, but there was nowhere to hide, not in the plain little corridor. The Speaker was staring at her, already raising a hand – perhaps to alert someone –

River dove into his mind.

It was a swirl of impressions, there and gone too fast for her to process immediately. There was no time for finesse. She reached deep inside his mind and _twisted_.

The Speaker collapsed on the floor, and Marie barely stifled her squeak. _Is he – renci de fozu, did you –_

_He's unconscious_ , Kuen said tersely. _But this won't go unnoticed for long – move, fast!_

Marie broke into a run as River and Kuen scrambled to get the situation back under control.

_Emergency use only_ , Kuen snarled again, turning minds away from the stairwell at the end of the corridor. _That's what the security officer thought._ His mind was filled with panic and rage – not directed at River, she knew, but at the security officer, the Speaker, himself.

_He was in a rush to reach the chamber before the vote_ , River thought. She was trying to track people heading for the Speaker's office, but her thoughts were scattered with shock. _Security officer didn't know he cheats by taking this route sometimes. Spur-of-the-moment decision, so we didn't sense it from him earlier._

Kuen swore mentally, then forced down his anger and panic to let himself concentrate. River tried to do the same. The next part was always going to be the hardest, but now that she'd had to take out the Speaker – and River was far from certain that Kuen's hasty assurance to Marie was correct, she had no idea if he was still alive or not – they could only have a few minutes at most before the entire Parliament building went on full alert and security lockdown.

And if Marie were captured now – when she had undoubtedly been caught on security footage with the Speaker right before his collapse... Her life was in danger now, without question.

_Stairs are clear_ , Kuen thought to Marie. His mental tone was calm now, even though River knew he must have heard her thinking. _Four flights down. Fast as you can._

The stairs would take her down to a private lobby, restricted to Members only. From there she would be only feet away from the main entrance and exit for official visitors, the same one River and Kuen had entered by months ago – but the two areas were separated by a security cordon stricter than almost anywhere else in the building.

River tightened her grip on the minds of the people in the security control room, and felt Kuen working to take control of the security guards at the exit.

_Wait_ , Kuen told Marie as she reached the bottom of the stairs. _We need a minute longer..._

Marie waited, although River could hear her nervousness and impatience growing with every second, as well as the subconscious refrain of _Merciful Buddha, the Speaker, what if he's dead, what if –_

River and Kuen conferred rapidly and agreed on what to do. _Marie_ , Kuen said, _when we tell you, come out through the door in front of you. Walk normally, look businesslike. Have your pass ready._

_My pass won't let me go through this lobby_ , Marie protested.

_It will today_ , River said grimly. _You'll be met by a security guard. Tell him you're acting on Member Poole's orders. You're meeting a visitor for her, someone important. He'll have to explain it to her if he interferes with you. Sell it as best you can._

_Go_ , Kuen interrupted. River could hear what he'd sensed – two minds approaching the Speaker's office, and though he'd turned them aside for now, neither he nor River could spare the attention to keep anyone else away. _Now!_

Marie pulled her pass off its clip and pushed her way through the door.

It took an iron control to keep the security guards from rushing her: River and Kuen forced disinterest on them, boredom, tiredness. Just another staffer, taking shortcuts they weren't supposed to, thinking they owned the whole gorram building and security regulations were things that applied to lesser mortals. Nothing new, nothing noteworthy.

River tightened her grip on the head security agent and pushed him forward to meet Marie.

_Now_ , Kuen urged Marie.

Marie brandished her pass for the security agent to see and started talking before he could. "I'm so sorry, I realise I'm not meant to come this way, believe me, I do understand, but Member Poole – well, I'm sure you know what it's like as well as I do. She made herself _very_ plain."

"This area is off-limits to staffers, it's for Members only," the security agent said, frowning at her pass.

"I told her that too," Marie said ruefully. "Much good it did me. She said if I wasn't at this entrance to escort the ambassador in two minutes, she'd – well, anyway, I wasn't going to argue with her. We're there to obey their every whim, you know how it goes. I'm so sorry to cause you trouble, but she wouldn't listen."

River and Kuen were working frantically inside the security agent's head. Pulling up his memories of Member Poole, exploiting his sympathy for a harassed staffer. Nudging him to consider just letting her through – it wasn't worth the trouble he'd be in if Member Poole found out he'd obstructed her staffer. Her pass was legitimate, after all. What harm would it do to turn a blind eye just this once?

The agent sighed. "Look, just this once, I'll let you cut through here. Next time, take the proper route, all right? Even if it means you're a few minutes late to meet the ambassador."

"Thank you so much," Marie said fervently as he led her through the security cordon and into the entrance lobby proper. "You've saved my life, you've no idea."

"Yeah, I know Member Poole," the security agent said with a sly grin. "Good luck with her."

"Thanks," Marie said again, and River and Kuen nudged the security agent into returning to his post.

_Wait a few more moments_ , Kuen instructed Marie. _Act like you're waiting for the ambassador to turn up._

He and River were on the move again, heading down from the tower. It would take them two or three minutes to reach the ground, and they were several minutes away from the Parliament building from there.

_Say you're going to check where the ambassador is and head out the doors_ , Kuen told Marie. _Then you should be able to walk straight past the checkpoints with your pass. Walk fast, but not so fast as to attract attention._

Marie made a show of checking her watch. "I'd better make sure the ambassador isn't being held up at one of the security checkpoints, or Member Poole will have my head," she said to the closest security guard, and walked out the doors before he could say anything in response.

She hurried down to the security perimeter, where the guards waved her through with only a glance at her pass. After all, people going out weren't a threat; their attention was on the people trying to enter.

_I can't believe that worked_ , Marie thought as she strode rapidly away from the Parliament building. _I can't believe you pulled that off!_

_We're not away yet_ , River warned her. _We need to get to the docks. Head towards Brandt Tower, we'll meet you en route._

A second later alarms could be heard. River and Kuen exchanged a glance, but it was obvious what had happened. Either Marie's absence had been noticed, or the Speaker had been found.

Time to move.

* * *

"I'm really not clear why you're here in the first place, Captain Reynolds," the lower-ranking of the two feds said.

"And I'm really not clear where the problem is," Mal said. "Lady Serra's shuttle developed a fault during her trip here. Our mechanic needed to take a look at it, and I wasn't about to send her off by herself, she's never been to Londinium before."

"Really," the underling said with insulting scepticism. "And I suppose your arrival at about the same time as Member Simmons' murder was purely coincidental?"

Mal raised his eyebrows. "If the news screens are to be believed, his body was discovered around about the time we landed on Londinium. If you're suggesting we were somehow involved from the black..."

The higher-ranking officer leaned forward for the first time. "Don't insult our intelligence, Captain –"

"Would surely pose a challenge," Mal muttered, not quite low enough.

The officer kept going. "We're well aware that River Tam is a member of your crew. She's suspected of murdering Member Simmons."

Mal chose his words carefully. "Your information's out of date. River Tam left my ship eight months ago."

_Mal?_

_River, tell me you're at the docks!_

_Almost_ , River thought. He could feel exhaustion and worry bleeding from her mind. _We're almost there. Don't hold off any longer, get out of there._

_Gonna have to_ , Mal admitted grimly. _Feds are starting to ask very pointed questions. We wait much longer, we might have trouble getting away._

"But if she contacted you for help, you'd provide it, wouldn't you?" the senior officer asked.

"I'm sure you have an eye on what waves we send and receive," Mal said. "Haven't received a one from River since she left my ship."

_Do me a favour, darlin'_ , he thought to River, _ask Inara to organise our retreat to the shuttle now._

_Done_ , River thought a moment later. _Mal – I should warn you. We didn't get away clean. Things might heat up – you need to get the three of you off-world and back to Serenity fast._

_Are you hurt?_ Mal demanded sharply.

An ominous pause before she answered. _No. Tired, banged up, but nothing too bad._

The door swung open unexpectedly and Leanne walked in. "Captain Reynolds," she said imperiously, "Lady Serra has completed her business here and asks you to make certain her shuttle is ready for departure. Immediately."

"Of course," Mal said, getting to his feet. "If you gentlemen will excuse me..."

"Not so fast," the underling said.

"When Lady Serra says immediately, she means _immediately_ ," Mal said. "You could always take it up with her, but I really don't recommend it."

Leanne escorted him back to the shuttle platform, the two feds following close behind, arguing the whole way.

_We're at the perimeter of the docks_ , River told him. _Go, Mal!_

_I'm headin' for the shuttle right now_ , Mal reassured her. _You worry about your own self._

Leanne turned to the feds as they reached the shuttle platform. "I'm afraid you'll have to remain here. Access to this platform is, of course, restricted. I'm sure you understand."

Mal kept going, ignoring their protests. Leanne had a commanding presence; he wondered how long it would take for the feds to recover enough to force their way past her.

To his surprise, the shuttle was empty – no sign of Kaylee or Inara. He frowned, but began running through the start-up sequences anyway. He had a feeling it was going to have to be a quick take-off.

A moment later, he saw Inara and Kaylee emerge from one of the other doorways. Inara looked as cool and elegant as ever; she had one hand on Kaylee's back, escorting her quickly towards the shuttle. Kaylee –

Mal frowned. _What in the name of –_

Kaylee looked different. She was wearing a dress instead of the overalls she'd had on before, for one thing. Something dark blue and floaty, not Kaylee's usual style at all. And her hair – Inara must have done something to it, because it looked longer and darker than usual.

But it wasn't until the fed flunky yelled, "Hey! Hey, it's her! She's right there!" that Mal realised what the hell was going on.

_Wo de ma_ , he thought in genuine shock. _River, you've got your diversion, right now. Make the most of it._

Kaylee didn't look that much like River, not to anyone who knew them both. But from behind, with Inara's tweaks to her appearance, getting into a shuttle they thought was meant to be her escape route... Mal could see why the feds would make the mistake.

"I hope we're ready to go," Inara called as she and Kaylee came on board.

"When did you two cook this one up?" Mal demanded, rushing through the final preparations for take-off.

Inara nudged him and Mal was only too happy to relinquish the pilot's seat to her. Inara's word carried more weight here on Londinium, and after that little stunt he had a feeling they were going to be fending off air traffic controllers and the feds as well.

"While you were talking to the feds," Kaylee said. She was beaming when he looked round. "Pretty smart plan, huh?"

Mal swallowed down his objection that she was gorram lucky the feds hadn't shot her before she'd even made it on board. "That was real dangerous, Kaylee."

Kaylee raised her chin in that way he didn't see too often, but which always spelled trouble when he did. "River's family. If I can buy her another few minutes, it's worth it."

"It wasn't that big a risk," Inara said, and flipped a switch. "This is Inara Serra requesting permission for take-off."

"Permission denied," a woman's voice said. "Please shut down your engines, Inara. I will be coming on board in a moment."

Inara looked very nearly as shocked as Mal had ever seen her, and for a wonder, she didn't even argue. "Of course, revered sister," she said, already powering down the engines. "It will be an honour."

"What was that?" Mal demanded as soon as the connection had been closed.

"That was Lady Ju," Inara said. She was visibly paler. "The head of the Companions' Guild."

"The entire guild?" Kaylee asked nervously. "Is that bad?"

"I don't know," Inara said, and she had to be even more shaken than she looked if she was willing to admit that. "I haven't seen her in... years. Not since I left Sihnon. Mal, let me do the talking."

Mal opened his hands in a protest of innocence. He had no objections; this was Inara's world, not his.

A moment later, the shuttle door opened and a woman stepped inside.

She was older, though Mal wouldn't have wanted to wager any money on what her age actually was. She had rich dark hair, pulled back elegantly; there was no sign of grey in it, but the tiny lines in her face and something in her bearing suggested she was older than she looked. But the strength of her presence... Mal barely resisted the urge to snap to attention.

Inara dipped into a curtsey. "Lady Ju, we are honoured..."

"And my heart is the lighter for seeing you again, Inara," the woman said. Her eyes took in the inside of the shuttle, missing nothing. "I will have your word that River Tam is not on board this shuttle."

"Revered sister..." Inara began.

Lady Ju cut her off with an impatient gesture. "I won't accept any prevarication on this point, Inara. The situation is more sensitive than you realise." She paused. "It will perhaps be of interest to you that the Speaker was attacked in the Parliament building less than an hour ago."

Inara's eyes widened. Mal barely bit back a curse. That was certainly one definition of 'not getting away clean'.

"He appears to be recovering," Ju said. "The woman who attacked him has not yet been caught, but it has been ascertained that she was brought into the Parliament building by Member Poole, and she gave Member Poole's name when making her escape. Interestingly, Member Poole is also the one who suggested that River Tam and Kuen Westmore were responsible for the murder of Member Simmons."

_Well played, darlin'_ , Mal thought admiringly.

"You will understand that my first duty is to protect the Guild," Ju said. "There is a great deal of confusion about recent events, and the political consequences if the Guild were to be implicated would be... far-reaching."

"Of course, revered sister," Inara murmured.

"If you give me your word that River Tam is not currently on board this shuttle, I will gladly grant you permission for take-off," Ju said. She smiled unexpectedly, a sly smile that made Mal glad he would never have to play cards against this woman. "And I will make it clear to the authorities that any act of aggression against this shuttle will be seen as an act of war against the Guild, since one of our most respected Companions is on board and I have offered my personal assurances that the person they're seeking is not, no matter what the police thought they saw."

Inara recovered her composure quickly. "I give you my word that River Tam is not on board this shuttle," she said. "And I thank you for your advice and your assistance, revered sister."

"Then that's settled," Ju said with satisfaction. She stepped forward and brushed a kiss to Inara's forehead. "Be well, little sister. I understand your reasons for leaving, but do come back and visit us from time to time. You are missed more than you know."

"Thank you," Inara whispered.

Ju smiled at her, then turned in a swirl of skirts and swept back out of the shuttle.

"Close us up, Kaylee," Mal said. "Inara?"

Inara snapped back into motion and started bringing the engines back up. "She meant it," she said. "For a moment I thought – but she's protecting us. If she backs us, the Alliance won't dare to stop us leaving."

"You think they're gonna take her word for it?" Mal asked sceptically.

"No," Inara said, but there was a smile growing on her face. "No. They won't attack us or hold us back, not now, but they'll still think River's probably on board –"

"And they won't be expecting her at the docks," Mal finished. He could feel his grin growing. "In that case, let's get the hell off this godforsaken piece of rock."

* * *

The docks were bustling, as always, and the security personnel were more alert than usual. But after the Parliament building, everything else seemed like child's play.

They wouldn't have much time: the docks had cameras everywhere, and there wasn't time to try to track down everyone watching the screens. Not to mention that the docks were just too huge and too crowded for them to use the approach they had in the Parliament building. They needed to rely on slipping past the on-site guards and breaking out too quickly for security to notice them until they were in the air.

A news screen embedded in the perimeter wall of the docks changed from a nonsensical advertisement to a picture of Member Poole's face.

"...arrested in connection with an attack in which the Speaker of Parliament was injured. More details as we have them."

_I think that's our cue_ , Kuen thought to River and Marie.

_The shuttle's in berth B-583_ , River thought. _If we –_ She broke off at the tangled knot of emotion coming from Kuen. _Oh._

_Your captain wouldn't want me on his ship_ , Kuen thought. _Not after what I did._

_He'd agree if I asked him_ , River said.

_Probably_ , Kuen agreed. _But he wouldn't like it, and nor would the rest of your crew. Understandably. Besides... I don't want to leave my ship._

He and Marie would never be able to return to the apartment they'd called home. River could understand Kuen's refusal to give up the ship he'd spent so much time in.

And after all, she knew better than most what a ship could mean.

_I understand_ , she thought. And realised abruptly: this was goodbye.

Kuen reached out and took her hands, and their minds flashed back to the moment on his ship when Kuen had sworn he'd never be her enemy, and the moment in the smoke-filled apartment when River had refused to leave him.

_It's not goodbye_ , Kuen thought fiercely. _Never that. Not between us._

River managed a smile, though she could feel tears threatening. _You're right. We'll probably be able to reach each other even when we're systems apart._

_Exactly_ , Kuen thought, and tugged her impulsively into a hug.

_Kuen_ , River thought helplessly, and remembered again the way their minds had tangled round each other at the Academy, when they'd each been all the other had left.

That wasn't the case any more. But they had each other again, and they wouldn't allow that to end this way.

_River_ , Kuen thought back, endlessly fond. _Be careful._

"You too," River said aloud, pulling back. She offered Marie a smile and a nod, then slipped away through the entrance into the docks proper.

Finding the shuttle wasn't difficult, but reaching it without attracting attention was much harder. River did her best to stick to the crowds. All the time she could feel Kuen and Marie making their way to Kuen's ship. It was harder with two of them, and the ship was in a more secure area, but despite his exhaustion Kuen was manipulating the minds around them skilfully.

_See?_ Kuen thought to her wryly, catching her in his mind. _No such thing as goodbye for us._

River smiled slowly, and suddenly reaching the shuttle didn't seem as difficult a challenge after all.

There were only two feds stationed at the shuttle, chatting to each other. Their thoughts radiated their boredom: there was no point in standing around here when everyone knew the bastards had gotten away on another shuttle, no matter how much the Companions' Guild denied it. They should just impound this gorram shuttle and be done with it, but orders were orders.

River shook her head in wonder. They'd done it. Somehow, Mal, Inara and Kaylee had pulled it off.

She nudged carefully at the feds' minds to keep their attention elsewhere, then slipped on board. She shut the door behind her, turned around and then paused.

It was a homecoming of sorts. Not Serenity herself yet, but close. River knew this shuttle – had taken refuge in it now and then when the press of minds on board the ship grew too much, and flown in it on jobs occasionally. She knew the colour of the walls, the tricks of how to fly it, the way it would respond beneath her hands.

_Not to rush you or anything_ , Kuen thought sardonically, _but Marie and I are ready to take off, unless you want to go first._

River took her time moving to the pilot's seat, trailing her hands along the familiar, welcoming walls as she went. _You go first_ , she thought back. _They think we're already gone. If you can fool them into thinking you're another ship for long enough, you might even get away clean._

_All right_ , Kuen thought. _But make sure you're ready to go the minute it looks like there could be trouble._

_Stop worrying about me and start worrying about finding the minds of the dock controllers!_

They worked on that together, and nudged the feds guarding Kuen's ship to move away, newly convinced it was the ship one further along they were guarding.

_Do you want to move the feds outside your shuttle too?_ Kuen asked.

_I'll wait until it's my turn, just in case someone's watching them on the cameras_ , River answered.

She listened to the mental echo as he communicated smoothly with the dock controllers, giving them fake details. Together they turned attention aside, convinced the staff that the request for take-off was expected and routine, and generally nudged at people's minds until permission was granted.

River waited tensely, lingering in Kuen's mind as he guided his ship into the air. She watched through his eyes as the ground fell away, as he moved past the security perimeter and headed for orbit.

Kuen gave her a mental shove that threw her back fully into her own body. _Concentrate on what's going on there, in case they figure out something's wrong and come down on you! I can handle this from here._

He had a point. But the feds outside the shuttle still seemed unperturbed, and she didn't sense any alarm yet from the dock controllers. That would soon change if anyone was watching the cameras closely, however. Best to get away fast.

She nudged the feds aside at last, and opened her intercom to contact the controllers. "This is shuttle Cora II in berth B-582 requesting permission for take-off."

She carefully pressed on the minds in the control room to keep them from realising that she'd given the wrong shuttle name and berth number.

"Shuttle Cora II, you're cleared for take-off in the next two minutes, be careful until you're well clear of the dock area," a controller said.

"Acknowledged," River confirmed. She flipped off the intercom and got to work.

The shuttle soared into the air. She could feel Kuen in her mind, listening in just as she had for him, making sure the controllers hadn't realised what was going on, making sure the feds now standing guard outside the wrong ship didn't figure out they'd been fooled.

She was out of the dock airspace in under a minute and soaring up into the atmosphere. Londinium dropped away beneath her, far more picturesque from a distance, where you couldn't see what really lurked behind its rich, elegant surface.

_I'm clear_ , Kuen thought. For an instant she was looking through his eyes again as he programmed in his course out of the Core. In a moment he'd be going to full burn. _River..._

_No such thing as goodbye for us_ , River thought back, and it felt true now. They'd be seeing each other again before too long.

They smiled together, a moment that stretched out like forever, and then Kuen hit the controls and took his ship to full burn.

His mind receded from her – not completely, not yet, but she could feel the distance growing. It didn't trouble her now.

She reached orbit and carefully reached out one last time, doing what she could to obscure the dock controllers' and feds' memories of her and Kuen. Their deception would undoubtedly be spotted sooner rather than later, but she was confident now that they would both be too far away to track by then.

They'd both have to fly under the radar for a while. Maybe forever. But that was nothing new.

River took a deep breath and set her course for the wonderfully familiar ship waiting a few hours away in the black.

* * *

She'd never actually performed a docking manoeuvre with Serenity in space before, but she'd been on board Shuttle Two when Wash had, that time when they'd all been forced to abandon ship. She could do it.

She could have reached out with her mind, but some things ought to be done the traditional way. And so she flipped open the comm channel. "Serenity, this is Shuttle Two."

"River." Zoe's voice came through clearly, though River could hear excited chatter in the background. She could imagine them all gathered on the bridge, waiting for her to check in. "It's good to hear your voice, mei-mei. Did you get away clean, or do we need to be ready to go to full burn?"

River smiled, suddenly close to tears. Zoe's voice was warm with affection and happiness about her return, and River had missed her. Missed all of them. More than she'd let herself realise, when she'd known she had to keep going.

"Clean for now," she said, "but putting some distance between us and the Core would probably be a good idea."

"Always true," Zoe agreed. "Starboard hatch is green for docking on your mark."

River manoeuvred the shuttle carefully into position. "Locking in five... four... three... two... one."

The shuttle locked into place, and River carefully powered down the engine, running through the shutdown procedures, half on autopilot herself. Slowly she stood up and crossed to the doors.

When she opened them, the entire crew was gathered on the other side, waiting for her.

It had been months since she'd seen Mal, Simon and Inara, and not far short of a year since she'd seen the others. And it showed: Sying was so much bigger than she remembered; Kaylee had done something to her hair; Jayne had a new scar on his left arm... A thousand tiny changes that she'd missed. And no doubt a thousand more they'd missed in her.

River took a deep breath and met Mal's eyes. He was staring at her, his eyes dark with triumph and relief. "Permission to come aboard, Captain?"

By way of answer, he stepped forward and pulled her into a crushing hug. "Welcome home, darlin'."

A moment later she was swept into Simon's arms, her brother pale with relief, and then Sying was clutching at her leg so she crouched down to hug him, before Jayne pulled her up and into an awkward half-embrace from which Zoe rescued her a few seconds later, after which Kaylee and Inara demanded their turns, and all the while everyone was talking over each other and laughing and offering explanations and joking.

_Home_ , River thought.

_Welcome home, River_ , Serenity hummed back.


	9. Epilogue

River brushed her fingers over the fabric of her dress, frowning. It was hers – well, one of her hand-me-downs from Kaylee, but it had been hers for a few years now. It had been almost a year since she'd worn it, as she'd left it behind on Serenity with all her other belongings, but it still fit her.

And yet something about it didn't quite feel right any more.

There was a knock at the door to her bunk. Zoe, River realised from the sense of her mind. "Come in!" she called.

Zoe came down the ladder a moment later. She was already dressed in her outfit for the day, a fine green dress she didn't wear too often. River remembered vividly how Wash had reacted once when Zoe had worn it, and bit her lip, wondering whether to mention it.

Zoe raised her eyebrows. "Whatever it is, mei-mei, go ahead."

River smiled ruefully, caught, and shared the memory, the heat and love and pride that had been in Wash's mind, the way he'd thought Zoe was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

Zoe was very still for a moment, and she swallowed before she spoke. "I remember that day."

"Sorry," River murmured. "You must have enough reminders. Particularly today, maybe."

Zoe shook her head, dismissing her apology. "They're good reminders. I miss him, of course I do. But reminders of all the good times we had together – those help." She took a seat on River's bed, smiling, and changed the subject. "Decided what you're wearing?"

River frowned down at her dress again, tugging at it. "No." She paused. "It's silly. It fits. It's a nice dress."

"Don't mean you have to wear it," Zoe pointed out reasonably. "If you don't like it..."

"I used to," River said quietly.

She felt Zoe's attention sharpen. "People change," Zoe told her simply. "And people's tastes do too. Ain't no one saying you've got to wear it, River."

River looked up to meet her measuring gaze and sighed. "Everything's the way I left it. Just... don't always know how things fit any more," she admitted.

Her first week back on Serenity had made her more and more aware of that. She'd known that her time away had changed her, but she hadn't realised just how much until her return. There had been Simon's frown when he'd realised she was carrying a knife even on board the ship, and her frustration when he hadn't listened to her explanation and instead spent ten minutes worriedly reassuring her that none of them were going to hurt her. The way Kaylee and Simon orbited around each other now, and the occasional awkwardness when Simon would start worrying too much about River. Sying's moments of shyness, because he didn't remember his Aunt River very well any more. The fact that Jayne had stopped calling her Crazy, and seemed at a loss as to what to say instead.

The way she and Mal had been watching each other without ever coming too close or discussing what came next for them. They hadn't so much as kissed since her return. River didn't doubt or regret anything that had happened between them, and she could still feel the strength of his feelings and her own, but Mal seemed to be waiting for something. She hadn't quite figured out how they fit together now.

"After the war was lost," Zoe said into the silence, "the captain and I were stuck in a POW camp for a while. Alliance turned us loose eventually. And then we both realised... we didn't have anywhere to go."

River listened, her interest immediately captured. She'd never heard Zoe or Mal talk about that time before. She could see the memory in Zoe's mind: a younger Mal, physically unharmed but psychologically destroyed; a younger Zoe, career and cause gone, no ties left but one.

"That was a tough time," Zoe said. "We've had hard times since, but not many as tough as that. The captain found this ship and set his heart on it. But even then, we had to learn how to run her, how to earn a living, how to work with other people – how to be around each other, even, now we weren't fightin' a war. Didn't happen overnight. Took a while before things fitted properly."

River considered that in silence.

"Give yourself time," Zoe said. "Give the rest of us time, too. It's only been a week. We've all changed, I'll warrant. But we'll adapt. Things'll fit again before you know it, even if it's not the same way as before." She smiled. "Might be better."

River considered it a moment longer, then smiled back, a little shyly but with real warmth. She'd missed Zoe, missed the way she could always rely on her, missed her advice and her understanding.

"I don't want to wear this dress," she said finally, and tugged it decisively up over her head, tossing it aside.

"What would you feel more comfortable in?" Zoe asked easily. "A different dress? Or it don't have to be a dress at all. Those black leggings I've seen you wear a few times this week, maybe."

River bit her lip. It was true that she felt more comfortable in them. She'd hardly worn dresses at all in the past year, except when she was dressed up and playing a part. Dresses weren't very convenient when you were fighting or breaking into buildings. But... "Not really suitable for a wedding."

"Mei-mei, everyone's just glad you're here," Zoe said gently. "Ain't no one going to care what you're wearing. But Inara said last night that you could help yourself to anything of hers, didn't she? We could probably find something to dress them up a bit, if you wanted."

That sounded... good, actually. River nodded slowly. "Thank you, Zoe," she said as she started dressing again, and she knew Zoe understood that she wasn't referring to fashion advice.

* * *

When River let herself into Simon and Kaylee's quarters, Simon was sitting on the bed, staring at the wall. He turned his head in her direction, but River knew he was only half-seeing her.

"I'm getting married today," he told her blankly.

"I know," River said, frowning. It wasn't as though anyone could have missed knowing. Kaylee and Simon had decided it was time two days after she'd come home, and there had been endless talk about it since then. It had been Simon's decision just as much as Kaylee's, so it couldn't be news to him.

"Married," Simon repeated. He still sounded shell-shocked.

River considered her options. She wasn't entirely clear on what her duties as Best Sister involved; the only instruction Kaylee had given her was 'Make sure he turns up!' Still, that probably included stopping Simon from having a nervous breakdown.

A distraction, then. "Did you ever imagine your wedding day? Before?" She didn't have to clarify what she meant: 'Before' only ever had one meaning for the two of them.

"No," Simon said slowly. He still sounded like half his mind was elsewhere, but at least he was coming out of his daze. "I was busy, and there was never anyone I was that serious about, and... No. No, it wasn't something I thought about."

Simon had given up everything to save her, and River knew she'd never be able to repay that debt. It was some comfort to know that, despite everything he'd given up, he'd also found some things he'd never thought to hope for before.

"I imagined yours, though," Simon added unexpectedly. His voice sounded much more normal now. "I used to picture you all dressed up in white, dancing with someone... I imagined walking you up the aisle and giving you away."

River turned away and busied herself with finding his cuff-links. "You dreamed of a lot of things for me."

"I did," Simon agreed. "Some of them – like that one – I still do, even. But... all I really want is for you to be happy, mei-mei. You know that, don't you? Whatever that means."

River paused, then picked up the cuff-links and went back to stand in front of him, threading them carefully through his cuffs, concentrating on that to avoid looking up. "I know," she said quietly. She fiddled with the second cuff, making sure it was lying correctly. "So... if I were to say that Jayne and I..."

Simon choked in a truly satisfying manner. "What?!"

River laughed out loud at his horrified expression. "Your face!"

Simon recovered quickly, trying to scowl at her and succeeding only in looking relieved. "You are still such a brat."

River beamed at him.

"Besides," Simon added, not quite managing to keep his tone casual, "my impression was that it's not Jayne you're interested in."

River blinked and looked up slowly from his cuffs. She hadn't thought Simon knew; he'd watched her all week, but she hadn't sensed any anger or panic in his mind, not about this. "You know," she said, and it came out as a statement rather than a question.

Simon gave her a wry smile. "You might be the genius of the two of us, but I know you, mei-mei. And I've watched Mal over the past year. He isn't really the most subtle of people."

River swallowed. She was sure of her feelings and what she wanted, but the idea of Simon's disapproval was unbearable. "Are you mad?" she asked at last, her voice smaller than she intended.

"No," Simon reassured her swiftly, and tilted her head up to make her look at him. "No, mei-mei," he repeated gently. "I'll be honest, it took me a long while to get used to the idea, and I'm still not exactly... I mean, he's a lot older than you, and... well. But..."

In his mind, she could see the memory of her at the party when she'd played the lady for an assignment. How he'd watched her, sane and beautiful and untouchable, and been hit by the realisation that so many of the things he'd wanted for her were wrong.

"All I really want is for you to be happy," Simon went on. "Just – be careful, okay?"

River studied him for a long moment, then smiled at him, a little watery, and let him pull her into a tight hug.

"Anyway, I suppose it could have been worse," Simon said. "It could have been Jayne."

River laughed and pulled back, swiping at her eyes. "Jayne's not so bad. But no."

"Thank god," Simon said fervently, and let the subject drop. "Now, Best Sister, I'd better give you the rings."

River accepted them, studying them curiously. They were plain gold bands, simple but classic. "Did Kaylee steal yours this time?"

Simon choked again. "No! Of course not!" There was a pause as he stared at the rings in her hand. "Oh god, do you think she might have?"

River tucked the rings away. "Well, she does love that you stole her engagement ring," she reminded him helpfully.

"Oh god," Simon repeated, and River congratulated herself on having thoroughly distracted him from all panic about getting married.

She was going to be the best Best Sister ever. After all, she had the best big brother in the 'verse, and he deserved no less.

* * *

The ceremony itself seemed to fly by. One moment she and Simon were standing in the field, her brother so pale that she thought she was going to have to prop him up; the next, Kaylee and her daddy were walking up to them, Kaylee smiling brighter than the sun, outshining even Inara, walking behind her. And a moment after that, it seemed, the vows had been made, the rings – stolen or otherwise, because River knew but had no intention of telling Simon – had been exchanged, and Simon was flushed bright red after Kaylee got a bit carried away when it came to the 'you may now kiss' part.

"That was lovely," Inara said, as she and River walked across the field together to where the food had been set out. She was smiling softly, glowing with happiness for her friend.

"Yes," River agreed. She could feel the dazed happiness of her brother and her new sister, walking just a few steps ahead of her and Inara. It was good to feel Simon so happy.

"Do you have a speech prepared?" Inara asked.

River looked at her, eyes wide. "Speech?"

Inara smiled. "Well, it is traditional for a best man. Or Best Sister, in this case. But I'm sure no one will mind if you don't give one."

River gave that some slightly panicked consideration. "I don't think I'd be very good at speechifying."

Inara chuckled. "I'm sure you'd be wonderful if you put your mind to it. But don't worry about it. You look lovely, by the way. That colour is really striking on you."

"I hope you don't mind," River said, because she was wearing Inara's long blue blouse over her own leggings and a tight black top. If anything happened, it would only take her a moment to shrug out of Inara's top and then she'd be ready for anything, but it made her look smart enough for a wedding.

"Of course not, mei-mei," Inara said with a smile. "I did tell you to help yourself – if Kaylee hadn't needed her maid of honour this morning I'd have been there encouraging you to try everything on. I had a feeling you wouldn't want to wear one of your old dresses."

River looked at her, a little shy. "Didn't feel right. Even though they still fit. Zoe said I should wear something else."

"Zoe's a very smart woman," Inara said. "And I'm not surprised. Remember what we talked about once, about clothes and everything else just building on what's beneath? The past year has changed you, so of course your preferences will have changed too. Next time we get the chance, we should go shopping together and figure out what suits you now."

River had hated clothes shopping in the past. It was always so petty and trivial, and what was the point of dressing her up when everything was darkness and blood inside her head? This time, though... this time, maybe she wouldn't hate it as much.

She was saved from answering when they reached the tables that had been set up at the far side of the field. She and Inara were at the table of honour with Simon and Kaylee and Kaylee's parents and brothers; the rest of the crew were one table away, Mal giving her a grin and a wink as he sat down next to Zoe and Jayne; and there were half a dozen other tables, filled with Kaylee's extended family and probably everyone who lived within a three-village radius.

The food came first. River talked mostly to Inara and to the nearest of Kaylee's four brothers, who didn't seem to know quite what to make of her. River hadn't known quite what to make of herself for so long that it was a surprise to realise she didn't feel that way any more, and she enjoyed his bemused expression when she said things he didn't expect. He seemed nice enough, but four was an implausibly huge number of brothers to have. River tried to imagine having four Simons and nearly choked on her meal.

Then it was time for the toasts. To no one's surprise, Kaylee stood up first, holding up her glass. Simon gazed up at her, a comical mixture of bedazzlement and apprehension on his face.

"I'd like to propose a toast," Kaylee said loudly, "to my new husband, Dr Simon Tam –"

"Cheers!" Jayne said, downing his drink in one gulp as if she'd finished. Zoe smacked his arm.

River grinned. Jayne wasn't generally a fan of speechifying, but he'd make an exception if it meant he got to drink at regular intervals.

"Back when we first met, Simon was so proper and stiff all the time that I didn't think he even liked me," Kaylee went on.

Zoe hit Jayne's arm again before he could indulge in the kind of innuendo that would send Simon hiding under the table.

"Then he explained that it was his way of showing me respect, of showing me that he liked me," Kaylee said. "After that we understood each other better. Then one day he did something that didn't agree with his oh so proper principles at all, just because I asked him and he knew it would make me happy."

River could see Simon wincing at the idea of Kaylee telling her family all about the stolen engagement ring, but Kaylee kept going.

"That was the day I knew he _really_ loved me," she said, and her smile was brighter than River had ever seen. "That was the day I knew I was gonna marry him. And I'm real glad that the day's here at last, and that you're all here –" A glance at River, and at her family. "– to share it with us."

She raised her glass again, and everyone called out their congratulations and drank.

Simon stood awkwardly. "I, um, I had a whole speech written out –"

"Ruttin' hell," Jayne said, nowhere near quietly enough.

"But someone appears to have stolen it," Simon said, with a suspicious glare at River.

River smiled at him sweetly. Saving Simon from himself was definitely part of a Best Sister's duties.

"So I'll keep this short," Simon said and forged ahead, ignoring Jayne's muttered 'Thank god'. "I'd like to propose a toast to my new wife, Kaywinnet Lee Frye –"

"Tam," Kaylee corrected, smiling up at him. "It's Kaywinnet Lee Tam now."

Simon stared at her open-mouthed, whatever he'd been about to say completely lost. "Really?"

"Pretty sure," Kaylee said, her smile taking on a teasing edge.

Simon stared at her several moments longer, then finally cleared his throat and finished, "I would like propose a toast to Kaylee, for being – more amazing than I have words for." He raised his glass and downed it all in one go, and everyone laughed and cheered and drank as well. Simon sank into his seat, still looking shell-shocked, and Kaylee beamed at him and leaned in to kiss him.

"I think it's your turn, if you want to," Inara murmured quietly to River.

River stood up and raised her glass, and everyone gradually quietened to listen.

She hadn't imagined Simon's wedding Before, either. Or her own, for that matter. She'd imagined them growing up and living in an apartment in the capital together, with Simon saving lives and her studying physics or doing something else interesting. There had never really been room for spouses in that picture, so she'd never planned what to say at Simon's wedding.

"I think I'm supposed to tell you an embarrassing story from our childhood," River said finally. Having so many people staring at her was strange, but it helped to look at Kaylee and Simon and concentrate on them. Simon was starting to look comically apprehensive again. "There are plenty to choose from..."

Jayne laughed at that, Kaylee as well, and River relaxed. "But you already know that Simon can be a boob, Kaylee."

More people laughed. Simon had flushed in embarrassment, and Kaylee pecked him on the cheek.

"But you also know," River went on slowly, "that Simon will do anything for the ones he loves. Anything in the 'verse. And especially for you." She kept her eyes on Kaylee, because if she looked at Simon now she was going to cry, and that _wasn't_ in a Best Sister's duties. Kaylee was looking back, her smile softer and understanding. "So please don't ask him to steal anything bigger than an engagement ring for you, because he's still not very good at that kind of thing and I don't want to have to break him out of jail."

Everyone laughed at that, even though she'd only been half-joking.

"To Simon and Kaylee," River finished, and drank.

She sat down in relief as everyone cheered and drank, and Inara leaned in and said, "That was perfect, River."

River glanced down at her unexpectedly shaking hands, bemused. "It was terrifying."

But when she looked up, Simon was smiling at her. _Brat_ , he mouthed across the table, and she beamed at him and everything was right with the 'verse.

The toasts kept going until the sun started to set, and then the dancing started. Simon and Kaylee first, smiling at each other. Then Inara curtsied to River. "May I have the honour of this dance, sister?"

River smiled. "It would be my pleasure, sister."

The music was a simple waltz, but dancing with Inara was always wonderful. River relaxed into it, allowing Inara to lead, following her cues when she began to add little embellishments, flourishes from old dances that almost no one knew any longer.

Others joined them, one by one: Kaylee's parents first, then her brothers and the rest of the crew, until at last the field was full of dancing and laughter. River let Inara spin her, and threw her head back, dizzy and laughing.

"It's so good to have you back, mei-mei," Inara said, smiling as she guided River closer again.

"Good to _be_ back," River agreed with a sigh, falling into the next pattern in the dance as easy as breathing. "I missed everyone. Everything."

"I know," Inara said. "Even so, it must be strange – being back on the ship again, your brother and Kaylee getting married..."

"Zoe said it'll take us all time to adapt," River admitted. "She said things will fit again soon."

"Zoe's very smart," Inara agreed. "I think she's right, you know. You'll be fine."

Her confidence was warm, like her arms around River. "You're very sure."

"You told me once that you'd fought too hard to recover yourself to give it up for anyone," Inara said softly. "I know a thing or two about that feeling. Yes, it'll take a little while for things to fit again. But you know who you are better than you think you do. You'll be better than fine, bao-bei. You'll be amazing."

River raised her head from Inara's shoulder to smile up at her. "I missed you, sister." She paused, then added, "You Companion-analysing me might make Mal's head explode, though."

Inara laughed, and they both turned their heads at the same time to see Mal sitting at his table with Jayne and Sying. He was watching them, of course, appreciation in his eyes, and raised his glass to them in a silent toast.

River shared a smile with Inara, and took the lead for the next dance.

* * *

When one of Kaylee's rather awestruck brothers finally plucked up the nerve to ask Inara to dance, River kissed her cheek and slipped away through the crowd.

Simon and Kaylee were still dancing, heads pressed close together. River smiled at them as she passed. Further away, Mal and Zoe were dancing, laughing as they mangled a turn and ended up with their arms all tangled up, almost making them fall over. Sying was running around with a group of children, shouting and laughing.

Jayne was sitting at the same table as before, pouring himself another drink from the bottle in front of him. He looked up when she sat down across from him, and raised the bottle inquiringly.

"Please," River said, and he poured some for her and gave the glass a shove to make it slide across the table. She caught it and took a long drink.

Jayne was looking at her when she lowered the glass again. His expression was... River took a moment to decide on 'thoughtful', because it wasn't a look she was used to seeing on him.

"Guessin' you probably didn't get much in the way of proper drink while you was gone," Jayne said.

River slid her glass back for him to top up. "Not much," she agreed.

"Huh," Jayne said. He was drunker than she'd realised, his thoughts slow and smoothed by the alcohol. "Musta been boring."

Her time away from Serenity had been a lot of things, but boring wasn't one of them. Still, she knew what he meant. "Not a single bar fight," she told him. "You?"

Jayne waved a hand dismissively, sloshing his drink over the table. "Nah. No _proper_ ones, anyway. Boring."

He looked down at the glasses strewn across the table, and River followed his gaze and then his thought. "No brawling tonight, Jayne."

"Kaylee won't mind," Jayne argued mulishly. "She's a real, real... real fine woman."

"She is," River agreed. "But her family might object."

Jayne sighed mournfully and poured them both another drink. "Fine, fine. Be that way, Cr – you just be that way."

River looked down at her glass, tracing patterns across it with her fingers. "You don't call me Crazy any more."

"Yeah, well," Jayne said. His thoughts were a bit too fuzzy for her to make much sense of them, but he kept going. "You ain't, are you? Not any more. You ain't done none of that feng-le stuff for a while."

Things finally began to make sense. Jayne was trying to be... _nice_. River blinked at him in consternation, but Jayne was scowling thoughtfully down at his glass.

It was all far too unnerving. River said, "I can still kill you with my brain, you know."

That made him look up sharply, his eyes widening. "Nah," he said with a failed attempt at casualness, "you was just kiddin' about that."

"I really wasn't," River assured him. "Could kill you anytime, without even laying a finger on you. It's actually very easy."

Jayne was starting to look nervous, sitting up straighter and cutting his eyes around, like he was hoping someone was going to come rescue him.

River smiled sweetly at him. "See? Still crazy." She drained her glass, then stole his and drained it too while he was staring at her.

"Hey!" Jayne protested, too late. She pushed both glasses back to him and he refilled them, shaking his head. "If you get drunk and fall over, I ain't gonna be the one pickin' you up, Crazy."

Jayne might, possibly, just this once, have a tiny point. River could feel the drink starting to go to her head. She took her glass when Jayne passed it to her anyway. "U-Day," she said. "Only a couple of weeks away, you know."

Jayne looked at her a moment, then grinned broadly and reached across to clink their glasses together so hard that the contents sloshed all over the table. "I'll drink to that," he said, and did.

River was about to follow suit when she felt the warm glow of Kaylee's thoughts approaching and leaned back to catch sight of her. "Kaylee!"

"What are you two doing just sittin' here?" Kaylee demanded mock-sternly.

"Planning U-Day celebrations," River told her solemnly. 

Jayne barked a laugh. "Yeah, Crazy and me are feelin' all celebratory-like."

Kaylee laughed at the two of them. "Well, you've got my wedding to be celebrating first, so don't think you're gonna get away with sittin' here all night." She reached a hand out to River. "Come and dance with me, sister-in-law!"

River beamed and took her hand, letting her draw her up from the table. "You're properly my sister now."

"Damn right," Kaylee said, pulling her away into the crowd. "We Tams gotta stick together, right?"

"Right," River agreed, dazzled and more than a little drunk, and let Kaylee spin her around.

They danced together, giggling and supporting each other. "You're barefoot!" Kaylee exclaimed eventually.

"Have been all day," River told her. She hadn't bothered with shoes or boots much since her return to Serenity, preferring to feel the reassuring press of the ship beneath her feet. And since she'd known they'd just be in the field all day, she hadn't bothered today either.

"Unfair," Kaylee declared, already hopping on one foot so she could tug at her shoe. She caught hold of River's arm to steady herself, then tugged off the other. "These have been cripplin' me for _hours_." She hurled them away, and River spared a moment to hope no one had been hit by them before Kaylee said, "Oh, that's so much better!" and whirled her into another dance.

"I'm so happy," Kaylee said as they spun together. "I never thought it was possible to feel this happy, River."

River smiled at her, but felt it falter on her lips. "You shouldn't have waited," she said softly. "Should've got married sooner."

"Hey, none of that," Kaylee scolded her. "Wasn't no way we were gonna get married without you there, River. Was never gonna happen."

"Shouldn't ever wait to be happy," River murmured.

"Wouldn't have been near as happy an occasion without you here," Kaylee said gently. "'Sides, what would Simon have done without his Best Sister?"

River couldn't suppress a smile. "Given a _really_ long speech."

Kaylee laughed. "I knew it had to be you that stole it! See, the wedding wouldn't have been near as good without you here."

Her mind was glowing with sincerity and happiness, and River sighed and set aside her regrets. Kaylee meant it, and for all that River hated that she and Simon had felt obliged to wait because of her, she was incredibly glad to be there.

It had been a wonderful but hard week since her return to Serenity. But as she danced with Kaylee in the light of the bonfire, with the stars shining overhead, she felt like things were beginning to fit again.

She closed her eyes as she felt Kuen's mind brush against hers: too far away to communicate properly, but close enough for him to register her presence, her happiness. She felt the surge of his gladness for a moment before the sense of his attention slipped away again.

She couldn't help but wonder where he and Marie were, what they were doing, how they were coping. But sooner or later she'd find them. For now, it was enough to know that he was still out there.

She caught sight of Simon finishing his dance with Inara, and spun Kaylee in that direction. She kissed Kaylee on the cheek, put her hand in Simon's, pecked his cheek as well, and took a step back, watching them smile at each other. They were beautiful together, and River admitted to herself again that she was glad they had waited for her, glad that she was able to be here for this.

The warmth of Mal's thoughts curled around her, and River turned to find him standing a few feet away, watching her. He was smiling, crooked and real, and he held out his hand.

River smiled back. It felt like they'd spent the past week watching each other without ever quite daring to bridge the gap. She knew why: they'd both been waiting to see how things settled, waiting for things to fit again. But now, at last, she stepped forward and took his hand, and Mal drew her closer and settled his other hand at her waist.

River inhaled sharply, heat flashing through her. Mal's eyes were trained on hers with an intensity that suggested that he was equally affected, and River wanted to close what little distance remained between them, wanted to stretch up on tip-toe to kiss him, wanted to pull him away and back to his bunk on Serenity.

They remained frozen like that for a moment, each waiting to see if they would break, but River took a deep breath and let herself ride the wave of anticipation singing through her. She'd spent months waiting and wishing for Mal, and now with the heat of his skin and his thoughts against her she could wait a little longer, could enjoy each moment without needing to rush.

Mal's smile softened. "Dance with me, darlin'?"

"Always," River murmured, a confession, and followed him into the steps of the waltz.

It was almost like the ball where they'd danced together months ago, their thoughts curling around each other, both of them painfully aware of every place where they touched. But it was also completely different, because River was home now. No one would ever be able to make her leave again.

Mal's hand tightened around hers. His eyes were serious when she looked up. "I understand better what you meant now," he said. "Some things, even though I know you mean it... I like to hear you say it."

River caught her breath. "I'm not leaving," she told him, quiet but fierce. "No one's ever going to make me leave again, Mal."

Mal didn't smile. "If I was a better man, I'd tell you to give some thought to your options. You're... you could do anything, go anywhere."

River studied him. "Not sure they'll ever stop looking for me," she said finally. "It might get worse, after what happened on Londinium."

"Was under the impression they were focusing on Member Poole for all that," Mal interrupted.

River bit her lip. "Yes. Politics. It's a useful pretext for her rivals to get her out of the way. But..." _I was inside the mind of the Speaker of Parliament_ , she added silently, because even here, even now, she wasn't willing to risk saying that out loud.

Mal's eyes widened, then narrowed. _He know that?_

_Not certain_ , River admitted. _Too many variables to be sure. If he were to find out..._

_The most powerful politician in the whole damn 'verse_ , Mal thought, _with all the secrets he must know and the skeletons in his closet... Zaogao._

_Yes_ , River agreed. _So... wiser for me to stay under the radar._ "But that's not why I want to stay," she continued aloud. "You're right, I could find other ways to hide, other things to do. But given the choice... where else in the 'verse would I want to be?"

Mal's smile was slow and fierce and warmed her all the way through. "Well, when you put it like that."

They whirled together through the crowd, and River grounded herself in his touch, in his eyes. The happy minds all around her buoyed her up, but tonight none of their emotions could encroach on the joy singing through her.

As they passed Simon and Kaylee, she heard Simon's voice saying, "You didn't actually steal it, though, right? I mean, of course you didn't. ...Did you?"

Kaylee's voice was unexpectedly serious when she replied, "Would it make a difference, one way or the other?"

There was a pause before Simon said, "...No." But his tone was coloured not by uncertainty, but by a kind of wonder.

It was impossible to miss the smile in Kaylee's voice when she said, "Well, then."

River smiled with them, and Mal's smile widened in turn. "Have I told you yet how good it is to have you back, darlin'?"

"It's good to _be_ back," River said softly. "Back home, everything starting to fit again." She pressed closer and rested her head against his shoulder, and shared the feeling with him: the _rightness_ of the moment as they danced together under the stars, the sense of belonging she felt in his arms.

Mal's hand tightened against her back, desire and possessiveness and something like awe running through him. "River," he murmured, and when she raised her head he kissed her, slow and sure and certain.

_Shooting-star girl_ , he was thinking to himself again, _lighting up the black_.

_You do that_ , River told him. _You light me up, Mal_.

Mal pulled back to meet her gaze, serious and intent, and the moment stretched out between them. Just as River was swaying in for another kiss, Mal grinned, wide and mischievous, and tugged her into an unexpected spin instead. River threw her head back and laughed, dizzy with it all.

Right now, in this endless moment, she _felt_ like the shooting star he saw her as, blazing with the fierceness of her love and happiness and hope as she spun through the darkness in his arms.


End file.
